Monday, June 30, 2008


Good thing I am starting to feel better.

My oldest and I finished the Chronicles of Narnia. The Last Battle finds our people in a train accident and in the Real Narnia, aka, heaven. One of the great Queens did not make it in. She stopped believing. We finished 2 days ago and my girl is still talking about it. It really rocked her world.

I try to always be honest with my children and equip them with the truth. I want so bad to keep them in a sterile Christian bubble but this world is much to sharp and rough for any kind of bubble to last. And seeing as how my bubble was popped so early in life, I can not expect the one I errected for my girls to last very long.

What I told her was Matthew 24:24, even the elect will be deceived. I told my sweet 8 year old that even people like Pastors and teachers of the Word of God will be tricked into believing lies or into not believing by Satan. I told her because it was so easy to be deceived, we had to protect ourselves by staying in constant contact with God. Through prayer and serving and reading and learning His Word, we will know the truth and not believe lies.

While that was heavy for a young girl, I also think I took the chicken shit way out. While I told her alot, I did not go into the heart of Avery's question. She was asking where Susan was. Susan was a beautiful, valiant queen of Narnia who ruled during the Golden Years. I remember when my sister came across verse Matthew 27:5 and learned that Judas had taken his own life. We were taught in the Catholic church that suicide sent you to hell. She called me hysterical because Judas was one of Jesus elect! One of the chosen 12 who walked with Jesus through the majority of His ministry on earth. She felt it was not right that Judas went to hell. First of all, I told her it never said he did. I have no idea if he made it into heaven or not. He certainly seemed sorry for what he did. The truth is, the road to heaven is narrow, the path to hell, wide.

I should pray harder for the Rapture.

The youngest also had a problem last night. After I put her to bed, she came into my room to tell me Jesus does not listen to her. She has a Bella Dancarella Princess wand that lights up and plays music when you press the button. She informed me she asked Jesus to make her wand not make noise and He would not listen. I taught her the word manipulation.

The middle child is not quite as screwed up. This morning she did confuse Reggie Bush with George Washington, but come on, who has not made that mistake before?

Friday, June 27, 2008


I am so very tired today. This summer has been difficult for me for whatever reason but last night the 6 year old was up till almost midnight with some issue and I was awoken around 6am. Not unusual I must say.

We have had lots of 'family fun' too so combine that with all the nasty junk food and lack of time for exercise and the fatigue can be heard in my voice.

We saw Kung Fu Panda and the girls decided we should all wear black and white, like a panda and I did their hair to give them 'panda ears'. The movie was cute and we got snowcaps in popcorn. I ate till I was sick. SICK. The movie was at 3ish and I could not eat again that day my stomach was so messed up.

So today, the 4 year old comes in my room while I was reading and said her stomach hurt. Often something hurts on someone and I tell them they will be fine and go away. I was feeling lovey so I told her to come lay down and I would rub her belly. She did but said she just wanted me to pray for her so she could feel better. What a moment! Here I am feeling like I am a big fat tired, emotional, sinner and failure and I see some good I have done. I pray God equips me to continue my race till the end. Skidoosh!

Monday, June 23, 2008

New Pursuit of Happiness

My father-in-law is a hunter. He was thrilled beyond words at my excitment over this new hobby I would like to pursue, at his expense of course! That's what Im talkin bout baby!

I should update my profile to mention my interest in punching things and shooting things.

The bruise is a result of my lack of proper form. I guess I will have to practice LOTS when the PINK right handed bows come in (only left handers in stock in the store where I shot).

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Popped Can of Biscuits

Sometimes I feel like I will never again get a decent night's sleep.

Sometimes I feel like I will never catch up on what needs to be done in a day.

Somestimes I looked like a popped can of biscuits in my pants but the thought of not eating anything that taste delicious makes me want to cry.

Sometimes I get woken up by being handed a dead hamster that does not even belong to us.

Sometimes I get bit by ants when cutting grass with the push mower. Actually, I almost always do.

Sometimes I am overwhelmed and running on empty.

And sometimes I am given a cute gift for no reason outside of love. The mug is from my sister and brother in law. His Grace is enough.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Common Theme

Tuesday on the News is the story about legal gay marriage, yesterday (Wednesday) the girls and I are out at the pool and heard a weird noise that wound up being mating frogs (they guessed several reasons why one frog was on top of the other and I just kept saying 'YEAH. Maybe!'). Then last night church was about God's Purpose & Divine Order for Marriage and Family. Also, my neice living with my in laws is in a lesbian relationship, my inlaws hate each other and act like it and my mother has left her husband.

It was an old school pastor and I was so pleased that he was brave enough to preach on homosexuality the way he did. He was so all about love the sinner, not the sin. It was powerful. The old man has SKILLS. I recommend anyone, married, single, straight, gay, red or yellow listen to the message. I linked the title to the church's online sermons and the date was June 18th. He also touched on living together before marriage and the divine order God wants for our homes.

I took mad notes besides the 3 pages we were given but the one thing that stood out to me most, possibly because I needed it, was how we need to view our spouse as the image of Christ.

Romans 8:29 says we were created in the image of Christ. If our spouse ask us to do something (I am talking take out the garbage or clean up the kitchen, not rob a bank type thing), if we were to look at it like 'I am taking out the trash for Christ' it will 1. be easier for us to do 2. show the love of Christ IN us 3. set the example of Divine Order and Christian Love to those in our home 4. earn us rewards in heaven 5. please our Lord, shall I go on?

I have noticed lately my eyes are dull. I can smile but it does not reach my eyes. My eyes look tired and old. My light has gone out. I think it is because I am outside the will of God. I need divine order in my home.
It should be:
If God and Christ are equal (which they are), then man and woman can be equal and still stay in the order God designed.

Sadly in my home it is often: Children, Woman, Man, then Christ & God.

I titled this post common theme because what I see in the Spirit is an attack on the divine order in Christian homes. Satan does not have to wait for us to tip toe into the world to attack us when he can do his best work in our marriages and families. The battle rages in our homes and I have been so completely oblivious lately.

Nehemiah 4:14 says fight for your family. I have been fighting against mine.

Thank God for the Cross where I can repent, take up my sword and charge back into the battle, this time on the right side; the victorious side! That's what I'm talkin bout baby!

I am gearing up for a big fight. My plan is to fast the internet, junk food, possible meat, everything I can think of and seek God's Face until He shows me His Glory.

I pray for divine order in all the homes of all the people I know. Christian or not. My purpose has been redefined. It is to show the world Christ in me. I will not stop until the Light is back in my eyes.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Chocolate Milk Martinis

Chocolate milk taste better in a martini glass. Or is that a margarite glass? As many things I can be crazy nuts about, I hope doing little things like letting my girls drink out of a martini glass will imprint good memories.

I feel the rage boiling up in me again. Strong and forceful, yet still no match for the Power of the matchless name of Jesus. Yet I fight. I even threw some stuff and kicked something the other day. The Martini day.

I love my family. I love my life. I love my Savior. And nothing is easy.

At prayer last night with my girlfriends, I shared about the cussing thing and church and the alter call and how I did not respond because there were so many more important things I needed to focus on. Cussing is a symtom, not a root.

I mean, just today I had to explain same sex marriage to my 8 year old because my grandparents watch the news while my girls are over and convince the 4 year old you can not:

  • drag a hamster by its tail

  • put a hamster in a purse and swing it around

  • drop a hamster on a ceramic tile floor

  • throw the hamster in anger at a sister (yes, she is me with curls)

The 6 year old is here. She is just easy most days. She did have 'bleeed' quite a few times today but nothing a few bandaids could not fix. Well, except her tongue. She wanted to put one on her tongue that got bit in a wresteling match and I had to say no. Even though it had bleeeeed on it.

I am not going to meet my quota for my business, need to make a large purchace for my ministry and the credit card is maxed. The dog that was missing is back in all her nasty glory, knocking over the trash can, rolling in every stink she can find, trackin in the outside. My husband got a new position at his job and is working every single day although he is more work when he is home. I am not trying to whine but maybe it is normal for me to feel like not getting out of bed some days.

Hopefully pancakes for supper will help my girls not notice the strain of life sucking the energy out of me. Maybe I just need to drink chocolate milk in a martini glass.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Calendars do not control me

The only time in my life I ever wore a watch was while I was in the Army. It was almost required. I just have never been one to need to know the time. In fact I have to set an alarm to alert me when to get my children off the bus (often forgetting them on early dismissal days) because I am not aware of time too much. I do not like to keep track of where we are on the calendar either. Now, I do use a super FAB calendar I got from my girl the FLYLady. Click the title of this post for her website and believe me when I say, the FLY calendar is worth every penny I paid for it. I need a good calendar to keep track of our family happenings. Kenneth's shift work, EARLY DISMISSAL DAYS, when I need to be to church on time for a change because I am working Children's Church, stuff like that.

We live in a world where time is money and it is the responsible and right thing to keep track of time; HOWEVER, I am not controlled by time. Yesterday was especially annoying. June 13th; Friday the 13th. Eleven years since my brother was killed, also on a Friday.

While I am aware that I seem to reguard death and loss from a harder point of view, I was so annoyed yesterday at the people who let the lining up of the stars dictate their emotional wellbeing. Way too many times I heard my mother (who spent waaay to much time at my house yesterday for me to not be annoyed no matter what day it was) ask people who called her if they were 'making it through the day' and to 'just hold on, you can make it'. Like their airplane ride of a life hit some turbulance and the fasten seatbelt light came on and the oxegyn masks dropped down.

A friend asked me if it was a bad day and I say NO FOOL! This is the day the Lord has made! I saw some beautiful things and some very ugly things but it had nothing to do with the month, date or day of the week. My mom even texed me later to ask for prayer because she saw (or prolly heard about knowing her) a wreck where 2 people died and it was just '2 hard!'. People die every day. God still reigns. My cousin fell and needed stitches. When I called to check on her, she blamed it being Friday the 13th. She was fine. In fact, she still made it to the party she was going to when she fell where she was encouraged to drink to amp her meds from the ER.

Maybe my mom is not my favorite person but she actually told someone this yesterday, 'my son died on the 13th, my dad on the 14th, my mom on the 16th and my sister on the 17th so it makes for a real tough week'. The thing is, the deaths were not all the same month. Do people just want an excuse for their negitivity? My mom loves attention and sympothy has been the motherload but I mean in general.

My inlaws told us we were insane for going to Disney in December. They said it was only magical during the summer. I am serious. I think the heat made them see things they took for magic. It is like the people who can not attend church on Saturday because it just does not feel right. Or family members who feel you can only celebrate a holiday ON it's designated day. Kenneth works weekends and holidays; we make our own holidays! We are not controlled by the calendar.

Do I ever say, 'well, sure today sucks, it is Monday' or 'sure I am depressed, it is December' or 'of course I am in a bad mood, the date is not an even number or a mulitple of 5! (truely, I can not breath right if the radio volumn is not on an even number or a multiple of 5). I do not want to be that person. I want to be greatful for every day I am given, every breath I take, every chance to attempt to do what I do, yo!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008


Oh my GOODNESS! So during the summer we go to Wednesday night service. It starts at 7pm and during the school year the girls go to bed at 730 so we opt out. Well, after my explosive cursing post earlier today, I go to church to hear a message on speaking the Gospel Language. I am thinking Love, Forgivness, Service.

I took lots of notes and enjoyed the message, praying for God to remove bad words from my vocabulary. Works like doubt and unbelief. The ending prayer, well, it went long. Actually, Pastor felt lead to pray again. He prayed for people who wanted to stop cussing. Like, he said sorry I am keeping yall here so long but I feel there are people here who want to be set free from cussing.

Then he shared how afer being a Christian for only about 5 weeks he responded to an alter call for someone who wanted to stop cussing and got delivered. MAANNN!

Listen, I respect my Pastor. I do not take his word for Truth, only THE Word, but I do submit to my Pastor's authority. So what does this mean?!? Am I wrong that cussing matters little? I do not cuss around my kids. Much. I try not to around others. I watch tv with cussing and my kids will be in and out the room and recently I said 'shit' where my friend's daughter could hear me. Not on purpose but I did not have to say it. My friends have corrected my language before. Things like crap, pissy, oh, and yummy! I refered to a good looking guy as yummy and some of my friends freaked. They asked if I said that about my husband and I said YES! Well, they did NOT approve. That is, until we were all at a women's conference and Tammy Trent said it. Then they said it was ok. A little funny but also kinda crappy.

So here are some of my notes:
  • words build up or they tear down
  • we speak life or we speak death
  • Time does NOT heal all things but our words can bring healing
  • God can cleanse a dirty mouth (anyone have an Orbit gum commercial pop into their head?!?)

There were a lot of Proverbs used but one of my favorite verses was not mentioned. Prolly just because so many other scriptures were used. A Word I try to live by is Eph 4:29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of my mouth but that which is good for the use of edifying, that it may minister grace to the hearer.

Granted, if I call my daughter a little shit, that is BAD. But the guy who said shit in his stats about starvation, not so bad in my opinion. I will, however take this matter to prayer. Tonight was NO coincidence. His Word does not return void. Thats what Im talkin about.

Emotional me

Tony Campolo quote:

"Last night, according to U.N. statistics, approximately ten thousand people starved to death. Furthermore, most of you don't give a shit. What is worse, most of you are more upset with the fact that I just said 'shit' than you are over the fact that ten thousand people starved to death last night."

I do not know who this guy is but I am looking into it, thanks to google. I do know the quote rings my bell hard. I understand I am not going to 'get' everyone and everyone is not going to 'get' me but some things are big enough that it should be easier. It should be easier to care aout ten thousand people starving to death than a person saying shit. It should not matter if it is the Pope saying shit. Shit should be minor when grouped with starvation. Why is that hard?

And if I have not said (typed) shit enough, go ahead and tell me I do not speak the truth. I will then say you are full of shit. Maybe you, YOU, really do not care about the use of the word shit more than the ten thousand deaths yesterday but it is just an example. Tune in to it. Really pay attention and you will see what I mean.

I will admit, I am emotional today so I could be overly hard about this. My dog is missing and my husband is devestated. It does not help that less than 2 weeks ago I called him and told him I was so over the dog, I wanted to kill her with a plastic spoon. The responsibility of the dog and lack of effort he put into his pet actually made me cry recently. Now, she is missing and I feel hopeless and confussed and want to find her more than I do not want to find her and I also want to adopt a son for my husband.

At first I thought a really black afrotastic crispy little man, but now I wonder if it would not be better, i.e. funnier to get a white one. Blond head, blue eyes, the works. Maybe I will just ask God who He has for us. He already told me we will have a son. I just need to find out what flavor he will be.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Summa Summa Summa TIME/old school big willy styles

We had family vacation early this summer. It was awesome but like any good vacation I am spent. Even after sleeping past nine and drinking a huge pot of coffee (the kind where you only have a scoop or 2 left in the bag so you add the last bit to go ahead and end that bag?). I have agabazillion loads of laundry because we had a beach front cabin on the lake, and I chose to not wash there OR at my sister's. In fact, we were not due home till late tonight or tomorrow but I could tell my sister needed us to GO. AWAY. Bless her heart, HA! She and her husband were great. I only got frustry with them a little. I tried to give them marital advice (married less than a year) and had to keep reminding myself not to try to make them feel better by downing someone else, mainly my husband.

He was super fantastic this trip, even better than he was at Disney. And this is WITH his fear of water and all things pertaining his girls factored in. Like seriously, I want to buy him something pretty, or at least something electronic. He was so engaged with us the entire time! It was livin the dream, fo shizzil!

Another cherry on top (if you like cherries, which none of us do) was coming home to my house looking like a magazine. My mom needed a place to stay and she straightened the entire house! I had every intention of using the little cash I had left to pay for someone to clean my house but now I can buy those high heeled crocks I have been wanting! God is soo bery good. I mean like, I am tearing up right now good.

I am a weird version of a nature girl. One of my daughters is a true nature girl, all up in the dirt and playing with bugs and can spend all day out doors. Trees are my favorite thing God made in nature but just to look at. Water is my favorite thing he made to put my hands on. I saw the movie and have gotten emails on the talk by Louie Giglio and that did not amaze me as much as the beach or the ocean or the huge lake we stayed on. I can not deny God after swimming in a huge body of water but I hate to garden or get dirty really.

I had such glory to look at on this trip and I kept looking at myself. God gently pointed it out and I do not know why it was so hard to look at Him instead of myself. Being in a swimsuit all sunlight hours of the day made it hard for me to not be concerned about how I looked and I was constantly compairing myself to other moms I saw. Seriously, I have no idea why I was so concerned about how I looked. I guess I still struggle with wanting attention and approvall of man. When my cup overflows as much as mine does, I do not get why I am still so fleshy but at least there is still His Grace. Thats what Im talkin about baby.

Monday, June 02, 2008

Wii Fit

Wii Fit kicked my ass today. Actually, my ass is not what hurts the most. I can not decide if it is my legs or my ego since I was told I was fat, weak and 12 wii years older than my actual age.

So as I sip my glass of wine in front of my computer I am debating if I should nominate my self for TLC's 10 Years Younger or keep practicing until I can beat at least one of my kids at this latest greatest technology that reigns in my home. Being a naturally lazy person I am not sure which option would take the least effort. I kid, I kid. I actually enjoy exercise, I just do it very little. I may have blogged about this before, but I tried Spin classes and thought I would NEVER be able to hang but I LOVED IT/Jack voice from Will & Grace!! I swear after a good spin class I had that out of breath spent in a good way feeling like you get after some freaky monkey sex, WITH your spouse of course! Spin class actually turned me on, which is weird. Not sure if it was the crazy loud techno music or the black lights or the 11 other people crammed in the tiny space with me sweating and making those animal noises reserved for good sex or good spinning. I miss the gym.

Now I have Wii Fit though! I thought it would be crap. It is worth the money! Says the non gamer/non electronic lover. My problem is gonna be getting a turn that is not at 9pm. Is ok. I do not know whether to laugh or cry at the fact that my children will stay physically fit by playing their video games. OH! But this is funny. My girls figured out how to move the wii remote to make it think they are running when all they move is the hand holding the remote! HA! That's what I'm talkin bout babii!

Sunday, June 01, 2008

The Last Lecture

Church was spot on today. I actually read this morning. A luxery I do not often afford myself but seeing as how I woke up to dog poo. Again. I indulged. I am reading The Call by Rick Joyner and the chapter I read touched on a prison scene where people grouped themselves with their own kind. They despised differences and searched for the group of people most like them. It was about some other stuff too but the thought stuck with me how unwilling we, as a people, are to embrace differences.

Church was about The Last Lecture; What Matters Most. Some guy wrote a book or something because he is dying. Pastor posed the question 'what do we want to be known for?'. I thought about how individualism often leads only to judgement which drives us to find our own kind and water down who we are. Sad reality all around because we have so much to learn from others who are different and we need to be who we are or who we really are will die.

I love my tattoos (most of them anyway) and I spent way too much time trying to convince myself since becoming a Christian I should not love them. Two people that I love, respect and want approval from just can not stand that I have them and occassionally let me know. While I do not think someone who likes me needs to like tattoos, it pisses me off that someone would hold them against me. I have a friend that hates tats and loves long hair on women. He told me once that if when he met his wife, she had had a tattoo, he never would have dated then married her. And he ment it. Yet, he has never once made me feel like a bad person because my hair is shorter than his or judged me about my tats.

At church during the 20 second T.O. (5 minute break between worship and message) some parents asked if they could talk to me because I had taught their son in Children's Church the week before. The boy asked his parents why I had tattoos. The mom told her boy she would have to ask me and she did. I appreciated that. Truely.

I told her I just like them, like my favorite color or favorite food. I just like them but I do not feel getting one is a decission to be made lightly. 1 Samual 16:7 says people judge by outward apperance, but the Lord looks at a person's thoughts and intentions. I think you need to pray and have a peace from God about getting one but you also have to factor in judgement. If they can not be hidden, will it keep you from some jobs? Will your in-laws be appalled? Will you want to work in the church nursery and have parents feel comfortable leaving their children with you? I am just saying. We live in a world where people judge by outward apperance. I thank my God He looks at my heart and intentions.

So what would I want my last lecture to be about? I do believe it is impossible to predict how I would react if I really knew when my death would be but I know what I want my loved ones to know about me today. I have walked without the Lord as my Savior most of my life and I am convinced that without Him life sucks. It is dark and foul and vile and not worth it. I do not recommend doing life without God because it is hard enough with Him. If I die, I want to leave my love ones this advice, Matthew 22:37-39 says love the Lord with all your heart, with all your mind and all your strength and love your neighbor as yourself. Love God, love your neighbors and love yourself. To know what it means to love, see 1 Corinthians 13. Pray about everything and do it afraid. I want my girls to embrace who God created them to be and say screw anyone who does not approve. John the Baptist wore weird clothes and ate gross stuff and lived in the not so popular neighborhood and did what he was created to do despite what others thought about him. Now, he did need to be checked by Jesus when he let pride get the best of him (Matt 11:6) but he stayed true to who he was until the day his head was served on a platter to the king. I pray I can do the same and that my girls will follow that example.