Tuesday, May 15, 2007

7 Books

I do this alot. I decided to make a list of all the books I am reading. There are 7. I never thought of myself as someone who starts but never finishes things. I more think I am an all or nothing person. Guess I am wrong.

The 7 are: Love & Respect
Voyage of the Dawn Treader
With All Their Hearts
Proverbs (that counts, right? A chapter a day plus 31:10-31 daily for me and my friends)
Praying God's Word Day by Day
6 Hours One Friday
and the one I want to talk about today;
Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake.

Under the title on the book it says, "Seeking God's Heart in the midst of infertility, miscarriage and adoption loss". I am only 38 pages in but I find it a wonderful resource and have already recommended it to someone else. It is one of those books that helps you put words to something you have felt for nearly a decade but could not quite figure how to say out loud. It is also a book that will force you to face yourself in the light of God's Truth. That can hurt but in that good cleansing way like a good cry.

I have found myself in a situation where I am judging the parenting abilities of others and am thinking myself the better parent and it is causing me heartache. Perhaps simply from being out of God's will from my sin. Perhaps because I am having to face some truths about myself I have been in denial about for so long I convinced myself I was right and God's Word did not apply to my circumstances.

I take it to deep heart when I feel a child is being mistreated or neglected or even not reconized as the gift they are. While some of my emotions are righteous anger many more are rooted in prideful envy. That is NOT plesant to know. It is NOT easy or fun to say outloud, 'I feel I know better than God', but that is the truth. I want to call Him to account for decisions that make no sense to me from my limited perspective. I want to look at my current circumstances and accuse God of making a mistake when I am only privy to the view of one peice of a 1000 in the puzzle. I feel I am owed something, acknowledgement, reward, payment, a seat at His right Hand or at least an explanation, yet He owes me NOTHING.

God perfectly orchestrates the necessary timing for each new life to fulfill the plans HE ordains. My opinions on who deserves children and how many and who does not are not vaild. I want to understand my being denied the gift of a child can work the same purpose as the woman who faces the trial of a child. What hurts me not to have may hurt her to have and both can be used to fulfill His purpose and plan. In both, heartache must come first.

I want to trust my Savior and His Word. I want to relinquish the desire for control in not only my children's lives but in others lives as well. I just need my heartache to result in God's Glory. That is what I'm talking about, Baby.

Friday, May 11, 2007

To unreconized Mothers

Every one is different. We all have different circumstances when it come to our angel babies. Why and how they died is different. How we grieve is different. The hardest day for you will be different from my hardest day. Mine is Mother's Day, by the way. Our babies were individuals, we are individual and our grief will be individual; but there is something we have in common. We are all Mothers (and Daddies but this is about this weekend).
I wonder if Mother's Day grieves me so because now that I have been blessed with babies after my loss, I have experienced all sides of Mother's Day. There was the one I was pregnant with the daughter I lost. It was my first baby so while I was acknowledged, all parents with living children knew I was so clueless as to what it was like because I was not really a mother yet.
The next Mother's Day, I had delivered Rya. She was dead so those who did not know about her assumed I was not a mother and those who did know about her tip toed around on eggshells making sure not to remind me I had had a baby because that might upset me. I stood by in silent rage while 'mothers' were acknowledged and I realized I was truely an outsider, not fitting any catagory from even the most expansive Hallmark isle.
The next Mother's Day experience was probablly the hardest for me. I had my prize. The baby I had dreamed about since childhood. The physicial evidence of all I ever wanted to be. The grief hit me so hard that year I could hardly stand to my feet as the call to reconize mothers was made in church. I clutched the baby I refused to put down that day and sobbed at the memories of the fight I had come through to be allowed to stand up in church that year. Again I raged, not so silently this time.
There was the Mother's Day I had a newborn and for the first Sunday since delivery was able to wear non-maternaty clothes. A family member was holding the new baby and the toddler was in her little nursery class and as I stood in church that year, a sweet gentleman standing next to me patted my arm and said "Happy Mother's Day to moms-to-be, also". I smiled at him and wondered how it was that once again I felt like I was recieving the concellation prize. The Thanks-for-showing-up-with-your-best-effort-but-you-just-do-not-make-the-grade trophy.
Was I just being overly sensitive and emotional? Did I have unresolved issues or a bitter outlook at life due to the hand I was dealt? Maybe. But then I have had the Mother's Day experiences where I look around at the faces of the women who do not stand at the call to reconize Mothers and I have seen the grief, the loss, the looks that say 'I do not fit anywhere'. There have been the Mother's Days where I could not get the numerous stories of baby loss out of my head. All I could think of were the mothers who had called or emailed and shared with me the gut wrenching pain I was so familiar with. I have had idealystic picture perfect Mother's Day celebrations by the normal standards until I counted heads and felt I had been sucker punched when my count was one short.
I have been around the Mother's Day block and if it were up to me, there would be a Hallmark isle for us, there would be the opportunity to stand without the option of judgement and opinions of how we need to get over it. There would be the grace to express the love and loss. I am working on it. From my little corner of the world, I am doing what I can. For now that may be little more than a prayer and an unread post saying I RECONIZE YOU, MOTHER! I continue my mission to give teddy bears and grief packets to MOTHERS and I continue to remember your baby and mine.
You are not forgotten this year, this Mother's Day. Not only do I remember you, but our Heavenly Father does also. He understands. Seek His face and hear Him call you to stand as He reconizes you for who you are; Mother to one of His precious children. Happy Mother's Day.

Friday, May 04, 2007


I need to say it. He needs to not hear it. I tell ya what. Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerich has truely been an asset in my marriage and my life. There is a hurt I have experienced by Kenneth that I do not think I have ever really let go off. After reading some of this book and hearing some of the teachings from it, I believe it is because Kenneth reacted to the situation in his own personal shade of blue and I reacted in my personal shade of pink. Even another pink or blue may not understand because the shades were so personal. It is possible we may never be able to resolve the issue because we truely can not be a color we were not created to be.

I feel I need to express my pink but I feel it may cause more damage because it will be heard through blue causing the Crazy Cycle to spin out of control. I do not want that. So I come here. Kenneth has never had an interest in taking in more of my words. I already overload him on my words in our daily lives. So I write to him in confidence that he will not read it because he does not want to.

Dear Kenneth,

I need to say some things about the wreck I got into in October of 2004. The one I was ticketed for. I feel I was not the cause of that accident. I was at fault but was not the cause. I feel you think I was the cause and I could have avoided it. I believe there was not a thing I could have done differently other than not go to work that would have enabled me to avoid that accident. I accept that legally I was at fault. My ticket was for following too close. While I may not have had the legal amount of space between me and the vehicle in front of me, I know I was not driving unsafe as a general rule. I was not speeding. I was not tailgateing. I was not distracted. I feel I was simply at the wrong place at the wrong time. When you blame me for the accident and insist I 'take responsibility', I feel like you do not have my back. I feel like you are on the opposite side as me. I feel you are siding against me.

When we have talked about it, you point out how frustrated you felt because I was not answering questions and I was confused about what was said to me and you were frustrated because you arive on scene after everything happened and could not get the info you needed. I feel my emotional and physicial wellbeing were not your priority. I felt you were more concerned about what kind of financial and legal burden I was to you at that time. I am not suggesting that is true, but it is how I felt. I was confused for several reasons. I was not talking much for the same reasons. First of all, I was scrapped and bruised AND I actually failed a FST. I remember the police officer saying to you, "either she is drunk or she has severe head trauma and seeing as how she was on her way to church with an infant and a 2 year old, my guess is head trauma". He told you in his opinion I should be taken to a hospital. That seemed to aggravate you and I felt like you could not be burdened with me in that way. I know that was not convienent with the girls and everything. I am not saying I wanted to go to the hospital. I just wanted to feel like you were concerned about me and what I needed more than your inconviences. Also, I was confused because I was being told by the officer that I was in a turning lane. I was not. I was in the center lane but the vehicle that in my opinion caused the accident lied because they were turning left from the center lane. I think they knew it was their fault and tried to lie to get out of trouble. They told the officer we were all in the turning lane when in fact we were all in the center. The 3rd vehicle involved was where the truth came out. They confirmed I was not confused and the first car was lying. I almost feel like you did not even consider that bit of information. You just wanted me to own up and take responsibility and stop trying to put the blame anywhere else. You had to carry the burden and you wanted me to take full blame for that. I was upset that someone else's foolish decission caused my family the burdens we faced. I felt we could have been upset and supported each other in this together but instead I felt ganged up on from every side. Legally I got a ticket, the one car lied about me, you seemed angry with me and I was hurt and alone. Physically I mean.

Emotionally is an entire other issue. From day one with Avery I feel like I have made the girls my priority and put myself beyond last to be the best mother I knew how to be. I have felt critized, condemmed and judged by you for just as long. I feel the thing I am most passionate about is the thing you put down the most. I think you feel I am an unfit mother at times. That shocks me. It appals me. And it hurts me in a way so deep that I have few words to describe. It is like you feel I have failed at the very thing I was created for. I am no good at my purpose for being. My life is a waste because all I was meant to be is not good enough. I had time before I hit the car in front of me to pray and consider the only other option available at the time. I could have swerved into the right lane and got hit from behind. Then I would not have been at fault. BUT. My babies were in the back. I could get hit from behind where they were or take the hit upfront myself. I had time to make that choice. I had time to understand it was my babies or me and to choose me. In fact, I did not really feel it was a choice. It was NOT AN OPTION at all to chance my girls getting hurt. I wanted you to understand that. I needed you to understand and accept that from me. I would live for my family and I would die for my family. Having to make that decision and just being in a serious accident with my babies was an emotional trauma. It was one I hoped to not have to carry alone.

I do not carry my burdens alone. My God and Savior takes the heavy end for me. I want to let go all together and give it all to Him. I hope this opportunity to express my pink will enable me to do just that. All my love. d

Thursday, May 03, 2007


I have been meaning to post for a while. I have even come here a few times and left again. I do not find freedom here much any more.

Anyway, here are my questions:

Is my tithe and offering pleasing to God? I want to give more but I also want to buy things for myself. I would like a yes or no answer.

Should I get breast implants? I look at this question in 2 ways. 1. Life is short, enjoy it as much as possible by doing things you want. 2. Life is short, why bother spending time and money on anything you can not take with you.
Is there a balance to my views and which side do implants fall under?

Something happened yesterday to make me even more unsure of everything. I recently 'met' a new friend. She was close to a lot of my friends and we had gotten pretty real with one another over email. She had breast implant surgery scheduled for May 14th and God had told her to 'jump' into a relationship with a black guy. She wanted to talk to me about what that was like and share with me her concerns about having mixed race children. We emailed back and forth about a few things and she signed off saying she was getting in her car to drive to Destin for a retreat with Roz. I told her that was 2 of my favorite things and we would talk again when she got back. She was coming over Monday to meet face to face. She got in that car and was driving towards her retreat when she lost control of her car and was killed.

I am flattering myself when I say this but I could have been the last person she spoke to before she left. Probably not but still, I talked to her soon before she died. Why did God bother telling her to jump? Why when she prayed did she feel peace about her surgery? Why did she not have her seatbelt on and how did she lose control of her car?

I origionally was going on that retreat. Kenneth told me it was ok and I backed out right before the money was due. I am glad I did not go because Roz made those at retreat face their issues with death and loss. I just want to be angry for a while and eat. I realized I eat when depressed or hurting. To make up for the emotional pain I feel, I try to gain pleasure from eating something delicious. I want to feel good over my bad. I am mad at Gabby because I got emotionally involved with her. I know some of the people who love her and this hurts them. That pisses me off. She gets paridise, we get pain.

I know death is a part of life. I expect death almost daily. I see death a lot. Amy asked if I was numb to death. No. I am not numb. I wish I were. Anger is exhausting.

God spoke to me last night through Isaiah 61:10. It says I am overwhelmed with joy in the Lord my God. For He has dressed me in the clothing of salvation and draped me in a robe of righteousness.

I feel anger. Not joy. I want that s.o.b. (death) to come for me. But I know God's Word is true. So I guess I am overwhelmed with joy. Now if I can keep my self from eating and buying myself stuff to make me feel better while I fake it...

Ya know, with Ned it was easier because I wanted her out of her misery and wanted her loved ones to stop watching her suffer. Gabby is different. Of her I am just jealous.