Saturday, January 26, 2008


I am 3 days away from my surgery which I have been waiting for since May or June from last year and now I am fighting a cold and face snot stopping me! SNOT! I will be better by Wednesday. I WILL! I am knee deep every day in God's Word and the bible says Jesus sent forth His Word and HEALED them (Ps 107:20). Proverbs 4:21-22 says God's Word will penetrate deep within my heart and bring me life & radient health. I will be in RADIENT HEALTH on Wednesday! In Jesus' Name!

On a so very sweet note, I called my father-in-law and expressed concern over not having anything more than a mattress on the floor for company to sleep in while staying here to care for me and the girls during my recovery. I knew there was a bed upstairs but my husband was not that interested in putting it up. So Dad (I am trying to call them Mom and Dad) came over and looked at what we have. He also looked in my fridge and freezer and I was not sure what for. He leaves to go get what was needed for the bed and that was great! I mean, he was going to do whatever was needed to meet my needs (which were really more in the wants than needs). So he calls me from Sams and says 'You do not have enough in your fridge and freezer, tell me what yall eat so I can buy it for yall.'

No one has ever looked at my food and expressed concern over whether I have enough or not. I am not trying to say my parents or other loved ones never tried to meet my needs but this is more than I am used to. I can get so overwhelmed by the concern and care Kenneth's parents show me. I love them so much and it is not about the amount of money they spend on me. It has more to do with how they give to me with no alterior motive. I have never felt in debted to them or like I owed them anything in return. I feel like they want to help me. Not something I am used to.

Thank You Jesus for my family. Help me to love them and modle Christ to them. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008


With only 5 days left I have had to eat some. A piece of bread and half a plain pancake yesterday, today crackers and spinach and mushrooms. I was just at the point where I was about to buy a WalMart red velvet cake and consume it. I feel like avoiding certain things such as sugar, desserty things, even meat, will still be a sacrifice, but I am just getting to a point that I am not sure I should be. Grouchy, weak, wanting to avoid the girls and stay in bed and sleep or worse, watch tv.

The worse part is my clothes fit again. I mean, that is GREAT. But that should not be the great-est. I have enjoyed God's Word and making more time with Him. I just seem more excited about my pants. Maybe not but I just want so bad to have a right heart. I mean that is why I wanted to do this. To have a right heart. I will seek the Lord until I find Him. Again and again and again! That's what I'm talkin bout BABY!

Saturday, January 19, 2008

testimony part 2

I was seeing a guy in Florida so I packed my car up and headed to Florida to look for a job and place to live. I had been there a few weeks and my brother told me he was going home for the summer. He had been in collage in Mississippi. As much as I thought I would never go back to Prairieville, all I wanted was to go home so with my car still packed, I headed home for what I thought would be a long weekend.

My siblings and I had such a good time, I wound up staying. I even took a job that was to last a few weeks. I still intended on going back to Florida mainly for the beach, not the guy. But for now I was having fun. Then on June 13th, I got a phone call that my brother had been in an accident. He was dead at 19. My brother was everybody's favorite and loved life and had so much going for him. I was SO angry it was him and not me. Alcohol was no longer enough to deal with this kind of pain.

I sent for the things I had left in Florida knowing I once again had to step up and take responsibility for my family here. I took a job in a local club as a stripper and when drugs were offered, this time I had no reason to refuse. My pit just kept getting deeper. One night after a shift at the club, a co worker and I went out looking for our drug of choice. The dealer we found liked me and gave us a deal. He also started coming to the club I worked at and soon we hooked up. I had a regular that spent lots of money at the club I worked for and one night he was a little annoyed I was not drinking enough. I never drank much if at all while working but that was not good for the club because they made money off men buying me drinks. I was given a hard time and figured what was the harm in a few drinks so I gave in. They got me so drunk I did not even protest when the customer wanted to take me home. We did so much coke that night I remember being awake for days trying to come down. I was so mad the club sent me home with this guy! That was supposed to be against policy. I was told if the customer pays enough, they would let them do whatever they wanted. I quit that day.

I also decided I needed to sober up because I was way more out of control than I wanted to be. I even decided to get a more respectable job, even if it meant min. wage. 2 weeks later I had another kink in my plan. I was pregnant. I was so thrilled! I had always wanted children and now I had a reason to stay sober and I immedeitly told God I was sorry and I would be good and thank you for my baby. For the first time, I had a reason to live. Not an easy one though. I was not married and the baby was for a black man. Every single person in my family except my 16 year old sister disowned me. I lost my min. wage job because I had no medical coverage to see a Dr. and you have to get a Dr.s approval to work during pregnancy. Kenneth was not able to work because his withdrawl was severe and lasted for months. I did not know what else to do so I took over his job and became a drug dealer.

I also started going back to church. I went back to the one that kicked me out. I did not know where else to go. Determined to do things right for my child, I began volunteering and eventually was put in charge of one of the church ministries and was even offered a staff position. Once Kenneth was able, he began working, like me starting at min. wage and slowly working his way up. We were trying to do what was right and do the family thing and while every day was a struggle, life seemed good.

On August 2nd, I delivered our first daughter. She was stillborn. No reason was ever found for why after a normal, healthy pregnancy, our baby had died. Out of all the hard, dark times I had been through in my life, nothing came close to touching the intensity of the pain I felt from losing my daughter. I feel like I actually shattered. But this time I did NOT run from God.

Kenneth and I eventually married and got pregnant again. I also got kicked out of church again. Same reason, questioning doctrine. I had met a woman at a pg. & infant loss support group and we became best friends. We spent a lot of time together because we both had lost babies and understood each other and one day she invited me to a bible study. I went because I was so broken I was desperate for ANYthing to hold on to. I was pregnant again and when I walked into the bible study, the teacher sees my belly and says, "Oh, todays lesson is just for you!". It was about how sometimes you have to go through labor but the results, like having a baby, make it all worth the struggle. I was so stinkin mad! After the bible study was over I found out when and where they were meeting again and told them I would be back. I planned to go back so I could prove that woman wrong. She obviously had no idea what she was talking about. The second time I went, I do not remember what the lesson was on but hearing the Word of God had done something to me and I was told about having a personal relationship with Christ and that was it. I took hold of my Jesus' Hand and I have not let go since. I was delivered from alcohol when my oldest daughter was about a year old and I even started dancing again while pregnant for my 4th daughter. Only now, I do it for my Savior and realize my beauty is simply a reflection of Him.

Jesus said in John 12:24 unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. It is never easy to experience death, but with Christ, it is always worth it.


I believe every Word in the bible is true. I may not always act like it but I believe in the Word of God fully and completely. I believe according to Jer. 1:5 that before I was even concieved, God knew me, He loved me, He set me apart. Eph. 1:4 & 18 tells me that because I have trusted Christ, I am chosen & called. I also believe Romans 8:28 which says all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purposes. I believe Satan knew I was to be a daughter of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords and from as early as I can remember, he tried his best to stop me. He failed.

My childhood was not ideal. It was not as bad as some but I grew up not knowing love or security or acceptance. As the oldest of 4 I had too many responsibilities and to this day I have more of a mother role to my siblings than one of a sister.

I was raised in a Catholic church and while I do not think there is anything wrong with being Catholic, the church I was raised in caused me a lot of pain. I had no knowledge of the Word of God but found myself questioning doctrine. I held on to "God" as tight as I could because I needed something to keep my head above the water. My life was drowning me and I was not trying to cause problems but I questioned things in the church and that did not go over so well. I became know as a trouble maker, I was told I was going to hell and eventually I was kicked out.

Back up a few years before I was ex-communicated and my already difficult life took another dive. At 13 I lost my virginity to date rape. I was very confused and could not seem to find anyone to help me or side with me so I started drinking. By the time I was a Sr. in high school, I was drinking on the way to school in the mornings.

High school brought with it all the trauma most girls experience I guess. But my world was tainted by alcohol and loss of hope. When I was kicked out of church, I felt like I lost my faith. I felt like I had nothing to believe in and was so angry at God I wanted nothing to do with anything I thought He represented. I also began believing that the beauty I possessed was a curse that only caused me hurt and pain. I would think I had finally found love and acceptance and find I was only wanted for what I could give.

As I sank deeper into alcohol and hopelessness, I became desperate for escape. So in order to get away from my life, I joined the Army. I was a military police officer and left for Alabama 21 days after I graduated from high school. Unfortunatly I found myself in the same circumstances just with different people, mostly men. From Alabama I went to Korea for a year and before I was in country 2 weeks, I was raped. He was more up there in rank and had a good reputation and in the end I was told 'sorry for the inconvienence'. That was a rough year. From Korea I went to Georgia where things just continued to get worse.

From the very beginning of my army career I not only dealt with sexual harrasment and assault, but also with being stalked. I just could not believe how often it happened and my beliefs that my beauty was a curse intensified. Once when a stalker forced his way into my house, I had to call 911. The stalker actually convinenced the 2 officers that responded that we were just fighting and I was suicidal and he was just trying to protect me. They left him there with me that night. He slept right next to me in my bed. What could I do? The next day, one of the cops came back to 'check on me'. He said it was obvious I was not happy in the relationship and asked if I would like to go out with him instead.

So I am the type of person that you tell me I am bad, I will show you bad. I had decided if men were going to continue to use and abuse me for my looks, I was going to use that to my advantage. I had always loved to dance so I took a job as a nude dancer at a club downtown. I actually was treated more respectfully as a stripper than in the Army. No one was allowed to touch me or even say ugly things to me. My bags were carried for me, I was walked to and from my car and no one was allowed to leave after me until my car was out of sight so I was never followed home. I had this false sense of power and control not to mention, men paying me just to look. As powerful as I felt, I can not put into words the damage that did to my soul.

So back to my stalkers, I had this one kid that started following me and he was young and after some of the other more serious incidents I had been involved in, I could do little more than roll my eyes at this poor kid. Well, he would up attempting suicide after my repeated refusals. My superiors actually called me in to tell me I was to blame and I could have prevented what had happened.

The police station manager was a guy I was ok with and I barged into his office and unholstered my 9mil. I dropped the mag. out and slid it across his desk. I unchambered the round that was in the gun then forcefully slid that across his desk into his lap. I told him if he was smart, he would not put a gun in my hands again. I told him to find a way, any way to GET ME OUT. I was done. I was sent to an Army shrink and all it took was me telling just a few of my sexual harrasment stories and they quick got me an honorable discharge and all my benefits and even a little extra to keep me from calling Dateline.

Friday, January 18, 2008

half way

so I guess I am half way through. I did give in and eat soup the day of my last post. But considering Kenneth tried to talk me into a pizza buffet and I made it through his fast food runs, I feel ok about soup. I have been licking a lot more spoons that I meant to but maybe I am being too hard on myself.

I want to start compiling my testimony to share at the moms bible study I attend. There is so much to my story and I want to make sure it is something that Glorifies God and only speaks life and not death. I would love the opportunity to share what God has done for me not only for others but to remind myself of His Wonder and Goodness and just the vastness of Love He has showered me with. And I hope to be allowed to dance. I want to show other women how He took my ashes and made Beauty. Thats what Im talkin bout.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

4pm and counting

This is the first day I reeeeaaaalllllly just wanted to quit. Yesterday was my first water only day (not counting the small pot of coffee) and this morning I felt so weird. I was dizzy and just felt weird and today was one of my first HUNGRY days. I ate the peelings from Adrian's apple, a pepermint Jane gave me and 2 popcorns while fixing the kids an afterschool snack. I just want to give in and eat ANYthing. I have been drinking juice and I do not think I will do many more (if any) water only days.

Talking to a friend, she said no one does just water on a 21 day fast. Maybe not but they may do just juice. I also have not spent hours and hours in prayer or bible reading. Not sure what I expected. I have kept up with my daily reading plus other Spiritually beneficial endevers. AND I have not wasted as much time vegging in front the tv or computer. Oh. Except the horrid movie Kenneth talked me into watching. It was funny but full of nudity and casual crazy monkey sex. Not good for a time of seeking God. But then I think, do I want to shut Kenneth totally out? He spends so much time on other things I will have nothing to do with. I do not want him to think I am playing the Holier than thou game with him. It is not an excuse to sin! Seriously. I feel so much spiritual distance from him already I am careful not to create more.

If I were closer to the end I may have more endurance so for now all I can do is wait for this day to end and hope tomorrow (and the next 11 days) are easier. I am re-evaluating the plan I started with. I think I will do juice every day and maybe even soup or fruits and veggies on weekends. I have rasins and trail mix that I may need before this day ends. It does not help I really like what I made the family for supper. Neither does it help that I think my pants fit better too. I have not weighed so that is one goal I have stuck to but I keep thinking I may have lost the 5 pounds I wanted so now is a good time to eat again.

Denying the flesh and empathising with the poor is supposed to be part of fasting so maybe I just need to Praise through this. I can do all things through Christ. That's what I'm talkin bout Jesus.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Still Going...

One week ago today I started a fast and while I licked a few spoons and fingers I am hanging in there. I have to say I am supprised that this is harder on a mental level than a physical one. I mean, I am hungry and I am trying to avoid being around food but it is not that bad. I almost feel like Weight Watchers was harder at times as far as hunger goes. I keep wanting to eat out of habit or bordom or for pleasure. I have kept up on my bible readings and have done some other things as well. I have tried to not waste idle time and have kept up with more household chores than usual. Funny what I can get done when I am not wasting time. I do see that I have more to do than I can handle though. I will never catch up and that is going to have to be ok. I will keep on keeping on and not let my joy be stolen.

Today I heard something from God that was lovely. I am not under the control of anything other than the Spirit of God. Not sugar, not coffee, not anything other than the Spirit of God. I want to be able to have A piece of cake or A serving of something delicious and not sin in my eating. Whatever I eat or drink or whatever I do, let it all be for the glory of God.

I have to admit I am still thinking about the scale and my pants size and how this fast could get me to my goal weight and I know that is not the mindset I want to have. If I am not under the control of any foods, I CAN be my goal weight and have my pants fit properly and not be too tight and uncomfortable. I just see I am not where I want to be. I am still seeking God's hand instead of His face. I have 13 days left to get there. That's what I'm talking about.

Monday, January 07, 2008

21 Day Fast

Can I blog about this? I always have the feeling it is never read so it is not like I am bragging or even letting everyone know what I am doing.

I decided to join my church in a corporate 21 day fast to start the new year. I want to stop talking about moving to a new level with God and start DOing. I have a few goals, persay, for 2008. My God Word for the Haynes family is joy. My prayer is for every member of my family to hear God's voice more, better, louder, whatever.

Kenneth wants to get our finances in order (which is an answer to a long going prayer for me) so of course I want to do whatever is necessary to accomplish that.

Personally, I want to read the entire bible in a year and finally LISTEN to what God has been telling me about my eating habits and the way I treat my body (the temple of the Holy Spirit). I have been praying about eating better and He has REALLY been speaking to me about that but I have not acted yet. Well, not before today anyway.

My clothes (the ones I can still get into) are all uncomfortable but it is not just that. It is not a dress size or number on the scale. My family has horrible eating habbits! How in the world can I teach them right when I refuse to do right? It matters not that they see me eat the salad and not sneak the 3 pieces of cake with extra icing and ice cream. God has shown me I have moved into sinning when I eat. He wants me to stop, I want to stop and I want my heart to be more interested in glorifing God and not grieving the Holy Spirit within me than how I look in my pants.

I am doing this fast for God. To hear Him, to seek Him, to finally move into that next level of intimate relationship with Him. I am on day 1. Of 21. It sounds so scary. Today was good though. My bible study brought me to 1 Cor 10:31 that says whatever I eat or drink, whatever I do must all be for the glory of God. I have failed in this area so much but I am ready to repent and start fresh.

My daily bible reading just happened to be on fasting. Hmm. I hear my Father. He says He loves me. He says I can trust Him. He says He will help me. He will show me new things if I will follow Him. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008


It is a new year; 2008. My church, HPC ( is reading the bible in a year. I have never done that. I plan to give it a go. My prayer for this year is for my family to hear God's Voice when He speaks to us and to support my husband's goals. I would also like to have more joy in my home. We choose joy despite our circumstances and I want to have more positive than negative this year.

He wants to keep his desk clean and get out of debt (which means stop spending huge amounts on our credit cards). The get out of debt thing will not be easy but I HOPE and PRAY he will stop the out of control credit card charging. My surgery is going to cost us a lot and I hope the medical bills will give him a practical reminder of his goals. I want to be positive with him and not critical. When I am critical, I know it makes it that much harder for him to follow through.

The girls and I have been watching Hairspray and we really love it. I had to explain some things because it is set back in 1962 and is about intergration and segragation. Also, they smoke and drink while pregnant because they were not aware of the dangers yet. I was quite amused when yesterday my 5 year old asked if it was ok for black people to marry white people. I asked her if she didn't think her daddy and I looked different from each other but I think I embarassed because she was like, Oh sure, I know. I was just talking about on the movie. I am not sure what she thinks. I guess it can be confusing to them. We never differentiate when people are white or black so maybe it is harder for her to tell. Especially with me being dark and her daddy being light. So now I have to decide if that is good or bad. Well, not really. I will just let it be and have joy that she does not understand prejudice.

I am getting excited about my surgery and hope I stay saved through my recovery. I plan to blog quite a bit about it. Fixed insides and new boobs. That's what Im talkin about.