Monday, August 27, 2007

Seeking my Call

Church this weekend was...Powerful. Like make you want to vomit and thankful for it, power. John Bevere spoke. I am a fan of he and his wife and most of his messages are Pepto material. Mr. Bevere issued a challange to my church, to me this weekend that really shook things up. My friends that heard the message before me warned me. It was all the buzz. When I heard it, it still was a hard hit to the gut but I PRAY the Words spoken are imbedded in my heart.

Ok, it was about Eternal rewards. We can be saved and get the big rewards or get nothing. This to me is not about the rewards. I have been without Christ. Better is ONE DAY in His Courts than thousands elsewhere! The thought that I let my God, my Father down by not living my call seems too much to bear. The thought that because of me refusing to die to my rotting flesh, a soul (or numerous souls) would have eternal damnation is too heavy. Now I know my God; He will find someone else to do my job if I do not step up and the lost will be witnessed to. He is Fair and Just and He will not come back till all have had their chance. But how much more effective is the first choice? If I were choosing a babysitter for my children and had to go with my 3rd choice because 1 and 2 did not come through, what then? I will not be as happy, my children not as happy and there is a..ripple, if you will, that changes the course of things. Maybe not a life altering change, but maybe. The way we were going had to be altered some and is no longer as pure, as right, as..The Way.

This all makes sense in my head. God created me with a purpose, with a direction He wanted me to go. The main thing is to get there but like the children of Isreal that were brought out of Egypt by Moses, do I really want to be known as the daughter that, for simple refusal to listen to SomeOne Who knows better, wandered the wilderness for 40 years before reaching the finish line? Eternal perspective should be a no brainer! Like the Promise Land I guess. Hmm let's see, do we want slavery and oppression or freedom with milk and honey?

Lord, You made me; You created me. Now give me the sense to follow Your commands. Ps 119:73. I want to honor my God by living my call out of adoration for Him. My love for Him is beyond words, but it is NOT beyond actions! It seems so stupid to ever focus on my circumstances. An eternal perspective makes much more sense. So what is with all the sand and cactus in my views?

I do not care about the rewards as much as I need to love Jesus. How can I love Him? John 14:15 If you love Me, obey My commandments.

Worship equals obediance. My reward is my Father in heaven being aware of my love for Him. The Word says if I seek God, I will find Him. (1 Ch 28:9) Plus He gave me the best roadmap! That's what I'm talking bout baby!

Thursday, August 16, 2007


Yesterday was a Pepto day. I talked to lots of my girlfriends who cried as they sent their little ones off to school. Instead of some sweet mama tears I am stinkin up the bathroom with direaha and drinking Pepto straight out the bottle hoping not to vomit. Why I gotta be so gross?!? Then my OBGYN office calls to say they have booked my Hysteroctomy for January 16th. So I have to get up off the couch where I am laying with my pants unzipped with my plastic trash can 'just in case' and an ice pack on my head to take that call. And if giving up my uterous is not hard enough, I will be getting breast implants also. I feel my reasons are honorable. I will go to a C to balance my body. We spent much more on remodeling the house with things that were not 'necessary'. It seems the decission should not be that tough. So why am I more scared of breast than terrorist?

While many women may buy clothes to enhance their larger bust I keep looking at bigger stuff to make sure 'no one thinks I am trying to be a whore'. As a wife, a mother and a Christian, I never know what to do when I am hit on in public. It is only when I am not with my husband or girls but keeping them with me does not seem to be an option. While I am so flattered to still have men find me attractive after 4 children and almost 9 years of marriage, it sends terror through my soul when it happens. And at the same time I crave it. Could it really be simple? Could it all just boil down to my past where I only seemed valued for my looks? It is hard to explain and I have not found many people who understand, but while I know I possess physical beauty, I usually feel it is more of a curse than a blessing. I have wished too many times to be scarred or disfigured but at the same time, I now have freedom in Christ.

Freedom to get boobs? That's what I'm talkin bout Baby!

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Happy Birthday Baby.

Nine years ago today I delivered my first baby. My first daughter. She was tiny and she was silent. I was only 3 weeks away from being full term but she died before she was born. Rya has taught me much. Her life and death have not only impacted my life, but the lives of many. Romans 8:28 And we know all things work together for our good for those who love God and are called according to His purposes. That's what I'm talking about baby.