Saturday, January 31, 2009

The twins are a year old and why I should not tell everyone

I had my 2nd appointment in counselling and it was scary. I am not sure what we were talking about...maybe what kind of goals I had set or what I wanted to change and my girl asked if I wanted to stop being confrontational and aggressive. I was all 'hellllll nooo!'. Why would I want to stop that? She asked why and I spent quite a few minutes detailing why it was not a problem and how it was a good thing and people needed to get over themselves and I hated tiptoeing around sensitive people and I was doing them a favor and she dropped the WWJD bracelet into my lap.

She wanted to know if when I read the gospels, did I remember it saying anything about Jesus getting His point across like I did. SHIT. And I realized I never even told her how I use shock value all the time. I say stuff to shock the crap outta people and then am all, well you get what you get if you are my friend so don't throw a fit.

We talked about how I may be using such a tough exterior as a defence mechanism to protect myself from being hurt. If I confront first on my terms with all my ammo stocked up, not only do I feel in more control but it is easier to fight a fight I start.

So now, for like the first time I am feeling all convicted about stuff I never had a problem with before. Not only that, I can deal with that; just do not go around telling everyone the twins are now one (referring to my breast aug. that was one year ago on Jan 30th) because that is not proper, not only conviction but fear. I do not face fear often. It is either anger or aggression or extreme sarcasm laced with inappropriate humor. But almost never fear.

When I tell you the thought of dropping my aggression and confrontation sends terror through the depths of my soul I mean it is tangible. It is cold and slimy and dank and nauseating to me. I suppose that indicates a problem that may not be healthy for me. And as surprising as this sounds, I had no clue until sitting in that office next to a box of tissues.

It is not even just the fear of how to protect myself with out those things; it is who AM I without those things? I watch What Not to Wear and never understood how upset the people on the show would get about having to make changes, even though the changes were all for the better, for their good, and at the expense of others. To me it made more sense to change and I saw no reason for them to say the clothes and stuff they had to get rid of (hair, make up, whatever) defined who they were and they were afraid the new stuff would not. Well. I get it now. I not only feel safe behind confrontation but I feel it is who I am and without it, part of my identity will be lost.

I am slightly amused at how blind I was to what confrontation and aggression were to me. And while it is scary, I am willing to drop it if I can. I just hope I do not pick up something else that is worthless to keep me safe. Jesus is my Rock and my Shield. He is my Fortress and Strong tower. The Lord is my Protector and my Refuge. He is enough. Thats what Im talkin about.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

A Black President & No More Meat

As bad as my last year ended, the start of 2009 has really been pretty amazing. While I did not vote for Obama, I am a supporter of the President of the United States of America and also, I can not overlook the significance of electing our first black president. It was only 48 years ago that the first black student went to what was an all white school in New Orleans LA. The girl was 6 years old and in the first grade. Her life was not only threatened that day simply because of the color of her skin, but she was the only student in attendance that day. Every white child in her class was kept home by the parents because they did not want their children in the same room as a black child.

I have a 6 year old daughter in the first grade and there a lot of children in her class that I can not tell what race they are. There are also obvious white, black, Spanish & Asian children. It hurts my heart to even think of the kind of treatment that little girl experienced 48 years ago. I did not remember the inauguration until almost noon on the 20th but once I put the TV on, I watched for the remainder of the day. Once again, I surprised myself by being kinda emotional about the whole thing. Who knew I had so many feelings?!?

Today starts another big change in my world. I have a friend fighting cancer and she decided to try a vegetarian diet in an attempt to beat the disease. I offered to do it with her so she would not feel so alone. I have been telling everyone what I am doing to avoid situations like today. I told my in laws yesterday. Today I was offered sausage, a burger and chicken by them. As day one, it was easy to say no thanks but will it always be? I do need to drop a few pounds. 5 will work, 10 would be better. Lots of my clothes do not fit. Not sure if going veggie will help with that but I want to make healthier choices anyway. So, yeah, I am now a vegetarian. Meat is NOT what Im talkin bout, baby.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Cartoon Reaction

I finally had my first appointment with a counselor. Bless her heart, she tried not to flip her legal pad and use a second sheet of paper for her 'getting to know me' notes but she had to end up writing very small and she was all up in the margin and every other blank space on that yellow sheet of paper.

My cartoon reaction happened when she mentioned we really needed to face the sexual abuse and assaults I faced in the past. My eyes got wide and just like in a cartoon when a huge anvil gets unexpectedly dropped on the character's foot, my eyes filled half way up with tears and started to spill down my face. I mean at the first MENTION of it. My resolve was left red and throbbing just like the cartoon foot would have been. I was surprised at myself.

Now I am kinda an all or nothing girl so as soon as my counselor shut the door, I dropped all walls and opened the vault. I am just not interested in playing games and totally believe in just ripping the band-aid off. It may hurt like a bitch but at least it is off quick. I am aware my situation is a bit more than a band-aid, more like a limb reattached with staples but whatever. Fear has never been something to hold me down.

I tried to get back to my unhealthy hatred for my mother and my counselor mentioned my reactions may be based on how the traumas changed me. So I am game for diving into that hell and know I will come out victorious. I even think I can take down a few demons along the way. God knows, I am pissed off enough.

Funny thing, my girl asked me if I had trouble making friends or in other relationships in my life. I told her I get along great with most people. I am actually very social and very much an extrovert. As long as people do not try to harm me, I am cool. It is when I feel threatened that I kinda go psycho. If I feel cornered, that is the only time for concern. But maybe that will all change. And who knows, maybe it will be band-aid quick. That's what I'm talkin bout.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

The Start of Something New

So 2009 has begun and it has been better than my end of 2008. I have much more hope. I hear God speaking to me which blasted the lie that He can not possibly still want someone who wishes her own mother would die. I will start counseling next week to deal with that issue and I have hope about that as well.

I got to write a verse, Matthew 8:20 to be exact, in a handwritten bible Zondervan is putting out this year and that was way cool! My older girls each wrote a verse as well. The title links to a website about that.

We had a death on my love's side of the family and it was interesting to see how all these agnostic, Methodist, catholic & Bahia people reacted to the death of a very old crotchety woman who had never been all that nice and needed a LOT of care because she was so old. Sometimes I wonder if God is disappointed that I do not 'witness' to this side of my family more. I just feel it will do more harm than good to tell them 'you are stupid for not believing in God. It is the ONLY thing that makes sense and you are going to burn in hell if you are wrong so again, it is stupid to NOT believe.' I dunno. I do not have time to beat myself up over that one.

My word for 09 is Home. I feel like I am supposed to focus on home more and be home more and make home a priority and here we are 8 days into the year and I think i have been home 1 week day so far. I also committed to sitting with my Granny a few hours a week for my Paw Paw to get stuff done and to have lunch once a week with my daughters. God never said it would be easy. Last year my word was joy. I thought that sounded great until I realized I was supposed to learn to keep my joy even when my circumstances were shit.

My love booked our Disney vacation for this year and we are stoked! Only thing is this time I am not making money like I was last time we went AND we do not have credit cards anymore so we are going to have to make some cutbacks all year to splurge for those magical 5 days in December.

I typically read tons of books at once and so far, here is my Book List:

  • Crazy Love by Francis Chan (actually a book club book with SCL)
  • Created to be his Help Meet by Debi Pearl
  • 5 Conversations you Must Have with your Daughter by Vicki Courtney (I would love reviews from anyone who has read this)
  • Same Kind of Different as Me by Ron Hall & Denver Moore with Lynn Vincent

I am sure I will add more before I check any of these off but I am starting light this year so I can see how taxing this counseling stuff will be. Plus I am still working on becoming a non-profit so that needs much attention too.

So there it is. My version of a resolution. OH! And I totally plan to cuss a LOT.

Thats what Im talkin bout, baby!