Monday, May 11, 2009

To be

If I had to pick the hardest day of the year for me, it would be easy to say Mother's Day is it.  Not only does it seem to remind me of my rocky intro into motherhood and the missing daughter in my life, it reminds me of how my childhood expectations of motherhood were warped.  That or my expectations today are warped.  Either way, not fun.  

I found a site called where you write your self an email and it sends it in the future.  I told myself to stop hatin.  I also sent one saying to stop getting tattoos although I think my love likes my latest since he keeps taking pictures of it.

I have had a lot of internal chaos to face since deciding it was time to grow the hell up and deal with the issues that have not budged in the 10 years since I have met Christ and I gotta say, my world was rocked.  In an extremely different way that I anticipated though.  

I went through the phase of trying to fit in the church box and look like a cute little Christian should and I went through the screw that phase where I was going to be who I was and yall can kiss my ass.  I was just always conflicted because I wanted to do the right thing but the view of that was never quite clear to me.  Through it all, I simply held tight to a God Who loved me despite me and figured there was no point in trying to figure that reasoning out because it was not possible to.  

I wanted to 'continue on my path' and 'mature to eat solid food instead of just milk' and  'live the purpose driven life'.  I was jealous of my friends who seemed to progress through the Christian class system and move towards fame and success and I was frustrated at how I never seemed to move from the rock I was planted on.  

I had this small, quaint little shack (think Sawyer's place on the beach) while my friends had moved into the suburbs and had cute little manicured lawns and neighborhood pools (Dharma and then The Others).  We all accepted each other and even loved each other but I gotta wonder how much of the grass is greener on the other side possibly taints the relationships and holds them back from the glory that could be unleashed.

I have never been a neighborhood kinda girl and my love would crack under the pressures included and get us kicked out or ruin us financially trying to save face; yet, we long for something we do not even want.  It frustrates me at times to see so many cookie cutter lives all around me and every once in a while, someone gets brave enough to break the mold and gets lifted up as a novelty for a time before coming apart at the seams.  

I used to fail to see the hope but since I am the darker more morbid type, I think my vision is adjusting to the lack of light.  I am starting to see my shack on The Rock for what it really is.  I do not need landscaping when I have the sand.  I do not need a neighborhood pool when I have the ocean.  Sure, I might get stung by a jellyfish or even bitten by a shark but I also am recognizing that the pain I have felt in my life, the times I have given into it and not tried to escape with numbing tactics, that pain only intensifies my joy.

It hurts on Mother's Day to only have 3 daughters with me; but the joy the 3 bring is clarified by the lack.  I can try to be better.  I can try to be me.  But maybe I just need to be.  If I am sad, I am sad.  If I am pissed, I am pissed.  If I am elated, let it be.  I like where I am.  Why move?  Back to the Lost references again, Sawyer decided to be.  And it cost him his love.  And it was beautiful.  That's what Im talkin bout baby.