Tuesday, February 26, 2008

I made the call

One of my breast is so very beautiful. The other is not. I have been trying to wait it out and only have one person I know that has implants to run things by. But it has been 6 or 7 years since hers and she has different kinds and blah blah blah and even though she has been telling me it took her a lot longer than where I am at to settle into her final result, it has really been a worry on my mind to have the issues I am having.

So I kept trying to talk myself out of calling but today I just decided, let me just call them, get it over with, and have them tell me I am being parinoid and to get over myself and be paitent. That is NOT what they told me. Apparently it is not as normal as I hoped to have the issues I do so they want me to come in. She even mentioned a possible 2nd surgery. *insert big fat sad face*. What a bummer. I will try to stay positive till the doctor sees me and I know for sure what I am up against but man. Man.

I am so very glad I called and almost wish I had sooner (although the doctor is not in at all this week so I would still be waiting till next week to see him). It may not even big that big of a deal even at the worst case senerio but who wants to pay that much and go through recovery to wind up needing additional treatment. I am glad I decided to do the photo journal too because it also shows the problem but all it takes is a look at my breast to see the issues. Even in clothes it is obvious one implant is much higher than the other. I often put a shirt on and it is too obvious so I need to change.

It could be worse and I still get tons of compliments and not only do other people think I look slimmer but I do too. Who knew the results could be this good. One the one side anyway. Both sides will eventually be lovely, I am sure. In Jesus' name, right? That's what I'm talkin bout.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

My New Secret!

I have been keeping a photo journal of my breast augmentation recovery and while my recovery has been incredible, I was quite upset with my 3 week pics. First I could not find a bra that worked and had the crazy notion I would be in a sports bra forever. Then, even though I read that a normal recovery is much more tramatic than mine, I keep fighting panic that the left side will never drop like the right has. I keep thinking I will need a second surgery or live with a deformity and just basicly being silly.

So kinda spur of the moment, I went bra shopping. I looked and looked and could not find exactly what I wanted then finally tried on a few with devestating results. I thought to myself, these C cups are just not big enough! Then I realized no one ever told me I was a C. As far as facts go, I have implants that are 400cc's. People ask me my new size and I always say 36C. No idea why if I think about it.

So I went got the bras I thought woud work in D cups and what do you know? They fit wonderfully! I am a D. A 36D! OK, so. Here is where I am on that note:

First of all, a certain part of me wanted to say 'if I am gonna do this, then let's do this! Let's go Jessica Rabbit!' But it is like I told Kenneth, it is one thing to say I wanted to repair pregnancy and breast feeding damage by going from an almost B to a full C and quite another to say, yeah, I went from an A to a D. That is not repair work, that is 'I want bigger tits' work. But I LOVE them! And Kenneth loves them! I just feel like I need to keep it a secret. I am not one to lie really so if people ask I may go ahead and tell them, but so many people asked already and think C so I think I should keep that a secret and it makes me feel a little naughty and giddy.

Too bad I bought some C bras and even had a friend give me one as a gift in a size that apparently is not my actual size. So I am a size I kinda wanted to be but I do not want people to know that I am but it is kinda cool so That's what Im talkin bout BABY!

Thursday, February 21, 2008


My birthday was lovely. It really was. I got some yummy doghnuts with candles in them and Kenneth and the girls sang. I really like the card Kenneth got me and he also bought me a Valentine coffee mug that is really cute AND it was 1/2 price! I like that. I also got some super cool surprizes. My cousin works for Woman's Hospital where I had my surgery in accounting and emailed me to say I had been over-charged for my surgery and she would bring me a check on my birthday for $850! That is a BIG refund! WOO HOO!

Then, and this may be my favorite, I got a get well card from my friend Debbie who is a nurse at Woman's and she got some nurses she works with to all sign the card and each one wrote a personal message about how much my bears mean and they collected $50 for Angel Among Us bears. Knowing what I do is making a difference is what means the most to me. Those women did not even know me but they not only collected money but wrote me a personal message. It was so sweet. So encouraging.

I also was taken to lunch by a friend who gave me a gift as well. A sexy red lacy bra in my new size. I can not wear it yet but the intentions were sweet. I can not wear it because the left side is still very high and they are just not exactly fitting into any cups yet. not sure what that is about. I am keeping a photo journal and while they look better, they are just very lopsided right now.

I got a small cookie bouquet and a way cool journal from Erin and my father and mother in law brought supper and cake and ice cream (plus they give me a check-usually $50). My dad came by this weekend and weirdly gave me soap, lotion, a candel and a card with $100. After the New York plane and show ticket from my mom, I feel my cup is overflowing.

The last thing I felt was a huge gift, this one from my Heavenly Father, my tree bloomed this year! Full up and on time! For the first time in 8 or 9 years! My sister bought it for me when I was pregnant for Avery but I did not know I was pregnant yet. I took the test on March 4th, Em's future birthday. Back to the tree; she gave it to me my birthday February 1999. I guess that was 9 years ago then. There was also a lunar eclipse but it was too cloudly and too late to see anything.

All in all, it was a super great birthday. I loved it. That's what I'm talkin' bout BABY!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

His Words

This is a vent. Nothing more. It has not even been 2 weeks since all my surgeries. My floor has never been mopped and things are getting gross. I have found Avery's uniforms in Emery's closet and my socks in Em's sock drawer. Kenneth stayed in bed till after 10am and once he got out, he slept on the couch. He also does not feel good. His ear hurts. This is what he said;
"It is like my body responds to you having a need. When you need me, it is like my body reacts by getting sick or something."

I know what I should be doing and what I should not be doing but then there is what needs to be done and what is important to me. I understand that what is important to me may not be best for me physically but what about my mental needs? My emotional wellbeing should be considered too, right?

I know he did not get sick on purpose. He said he did not mean to get sick on me. And really, if you think about it, at least he has a reason to not help and be there for me. It really is worse when he is fine and still does not step up. Now this is funny considering what God told me about needing and trusting him and all. I am just unsure how to proceed when I have needs, the girls have needs, the house has needs. I believe God meets all my needs. I guess He will find a way to get my floor mopped if I just trust Him. Help my unbelief!! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Unusual Recovery

I understand my surgery situation is not the norm. For so many reasons. First of all, I feel God's favor and mercy all over my situation. I have not found anyone who has heard of someone who has had as much surgery as me recover so fast. I have been reading a lot of breast augmentation sites on line and I can not believe how easy my recovery has been compaired to what I read. I understand I slept through the worst of the breast aug. recovery. I told my mom I really do not remember a lot of the first few days Post Op.

The sites I read had the first few days of recovery as very difficult. I remember a lot of pressure on my chest. I remember feeling like I worked out my chest too hard. I know I vomited a lot from my pain pump but I also remember thinking it was not that bad considering all my surgeries.

I told 2 friends considering a breast aug. it was easy peesy lemon squeezy. I wonder if I lead them astray. I went to church 11 days after 3 doctors did surgeries on me. Now as far as the breast aug., I did talk to other women who had an easy go themselves. And I was very stretched out already, I have been bigger than I am while nursing. I dunno. Maybe it is just a huge blessing from God. Maybe I am just God's favorite. That's what I'm talkin bout, BABY!

Thursday, February 07, 2008


I had a little revelation from God. First He told me NOT to read a book I was reading and I did not listen. So I had horrible pornagraphic dreams that turned bloody and violent before my dumb butt finally realized I needed to obey. I am asking for the Word of my God to bring life and radient life (Prov. 4:20-22) to my family and I can not expect to be rewarded for my blatent disobedience.

I put the book away. No more dreams. Still need radient health because my daughter is breaking my heart. And Kenneth not being well and me recovering and being so uncomfortable with depending on anyone had us fighting yesterday. He was hurt because he did so much that needed to be done while feeling so bad and I found a few things to complain about. I was suprized to know how hurt he was by my complaints. I knew it was not good and tried to keep from doing it. I think I just hated feeling so helpless and dependant. We talked it out. I told him I felt like God told me something about the situation. He told me He used Kenneth getting the flu to show him he needed to step up and take responsibility no matter how he felt. It is something he avoids and finds crutches every chance he gets. This time Kenneth was not only not let off the hook, but he actually had good reason to want to let someone else take the slack. I think Kenneth maybe learned something about himself. I hope he did.

I was NOT off the hook. I needed to trust Kenneth to be there for me when I needed him and my way is not the only way that is right or even better. I need to depend on Kenneth on a much deeper level than I do. I need to NOT depend on myself. I need to trust God. I need to trust Kenneth. He came through. He did. He not only came through, he came through while he had the flu. How can I critize that?!? Yet, I did. And I am sorry.

I am sorry I cleaned up as much as I did. I told myself over and over I was going to take care of my self and not over do it. I want to take care of myself and allow Kenneth to love me and be the father and husband God created him to be. I have been keeping him from what God has planned for his life. He is an amazing man who has overcome so much and shined in so many areas. I am so blessed, yet I act like he is so wrong.

I hear from God and I immediately and joyfully obey. That's what I'm talkin bout baby!

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

1 week Post-Operations

So I plan to be honest here. I cleared and wiped down the kitchen and bathroom counters today. It hurt. I found socks on the kitchen counter! Like 4 pairs! It is just too much NOT getting done. It truely is in part necessity. Well, a little, anyway.

The problem is I feel good enough to be on my feet for longer periods of time and my cath. came out yesterday and Kenneth is playing the flu card big time. I mean, he ALWAYS does not feel good, I mean e.v.e.r.y. d.a.y. and then when I am down with something (i.e. pregnancy, labor, delivery, whatever) he reeeeaaaally gets to not feeling good. So it is a comical and crule irony that during the time I need him most he actually has something keeping him down.

So what do I do? All the people who say they want to help only can do so much. It is not their fault everything in my house needs to be washed because Avery is spreading her Poison Ivy around and Adrian is coughing on everything and everybody. It is no one's fault the washing machine went out. It is not a friend or family members responsibility to do daily maintainence on the house. That falls to me.

So I sort through the trash and the socks and the girl's school papers and the perscriptions and try not to focus too long on the dirt and grime I see in so many corners. I want to focus on being greatful and thankful for what help I do get and on my quick recovery and on all the blessings and wealth of my life. My breast are looking more normal and how many people get the blessing of a breast augmentation? I am doing a photo journal and have before and one week after so far. While very bruised and mulit-colored right now, I think they look nice. Not crazy or over done, but nice. Time will tell if they are what Im talkin about, baby.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Before and After

I feel like all my days leading up to my surgery were part of one life, and now I am in the next part. Things used to be 'before my surgery ____' and now it is more 'since my surgery ____'.
Watching life happen from the position of being in bed and being hooked to a cathator is not a view I have had much.

My goal is to allow people to care for me (NOT easy!) and to not criticize Kenneth (even HARDer). The girls still come to my bedside and step over the cath. tubing to tell me they are hungry or thirsty. They are calling Kenneth out because he will say something that hurts them, they come tell me and he denys it for a while before they all gang up on him. Bless his heart, this may very well be harder on him than me. I mean he will bring me something to drink and want me to reach for it across the bed where his computer is rather than walk the extra 6 steps to my side. He did not think to heat my food once before giving it to me. I mean that is just him. I am not mad about it. I just see it getting to him because even he can see he is not that great at caring for others.

I bet the one night he stayed in the hospital had more to do with how he thought others precieved him than concern for me. Now I could see it was very hard for him to see me like I was. I just know that when people asked him why he was not at the hospital with me, he felt like people thought less of him.

It makes it both easier and harder to have him do so much for me. I had to bite my tongue when he was fixing Mem's breakfast. She crawled into bed with me and said she had not had breakfast so I asked her what she wanted and told her to go tell her daddy to make it for her. Well, he tends to put stuff in the microwave for much longer than needed. The girls and I put a honey bun in for 8-12 seconds. He does 30. Then it is too hot for too long then it gets chewy. It took every ounce of restraint to not hollar from my bed how long I thought he should put the microwave on. I want him to learn how to do for the girls when I am not around. Normally when I did not pick up the slack in responsibilities, he would call on his mother (who has a staff infection right now) so he would still be able to avoid it.

He needs to take up more responsibilities adn I need to relinquish conrol and stop babying him. I supposed these next 2 weeks will grow us both.

I do not know what to say about my breast at this point. I have only caught a glimps of them in a mirror and have a minimal view looking down my chest. They seem to be very out to the side and not that much bigger. We will see. I was able to stand on my feet today longer than before without getting weak or dizzy but I can tell I am still pretty weak. And this is weird. I have trouble focusing my eyes and speaking. I tried to read the girls a book last night (requiring both vision and speach) and had to stop after a while. Maybe it is the drugs. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.