Monday, November 29, 2010


I am a prisoner.  Fear binds me, stripping me of my appetite and hope.  I'm hot despite the lack of heat around me & I lack the ease & comfort one normally receives from being in their own bedroom.  I sit tense on the edge of my bed doing the only thing I can at this moment.  I am thanking God.  Thank You God for You are good.  I praise You for You are good.  Over & over, without feeling, without meaning, hoping the words will work like a magic spell.

There are no accidents.  You chose my parents, my siblings, my husband, my home.  You know what You are doing & You see the big picture while I sit trapped.  Unable to leave.  Unable to stop the terrors that cause my fear to make my belly hot.  Unable to find anything to control in the madness that God knew was going to be my existence.

He continues to blow me Kisses.  After losing the job that made me miserable but would have gotten me on my own feet financially, I was out of work for 35 days, & I thought I was going to die from the depression & hopelessness.  Someone who cares about me pointed out that having that job for the 5 weeks I did got me caught up on some of my finances and if I hated it, it was best I lose the job because I never would have quit.  I see the big picture from that pain.  Some.

Then after 35 days, I am offered a gift of a job which I love & makes me happy & uses my gifts but does not pay enough for me to take care of myself.  I think maybe I am not supposed to take care of myself.  I also see the vast sickness of my codependency.  Still I can not see yet how being bullied and manipulated into taking care of other family members is going to work for my good, like Romans 8:28 promises.  Being bullied is horrible.  Having someone control you with fear is sickening.  Not being able to trust those who are supposed to take care of you & protect you is lonely.  How do I not let my circumstances blacken my soul and ice over my heart?  How can I bear the thought of sending my daughters out into the world knowing what I found out there?  How can I model to them 'God is all you need' when I don't feel that way from my prison cell?  How do I show them freedom when I am not sure I ever lived there?

I can not deny His Kisses.  He keeps blowing them & they are my oxygen.  I know the next one will always come & I believe His timing is above my comprehension.  I just get tired of feeling like I may die before my next Breath comes.  I totally understand how the disciples felt in Matthew 9:25.  'Jesus help!  We are going to drown!'

Thank God He keeps quieting my storms.