Monday, August 30, 2010


i believe tomorrow will make day 21 of the fast I recently mentioned. I have failed beautifully! A lot can happen in 21 days, insanity can be conceived, be birthed, breath & conquer & then die. All in 21 days or less.

Instead of floating into peaceful spiritual tranquility, I wound up stumbling Lipton Tea style into the dark abyss of pride, of evil, of sin. I hate to sound like a Christian but it was satan. Even though it is not the norm for me, I chose isolation and fear. I tried to walk into the light & instead cowered from it. I tried to stay pure & holy & wound up dirty & defiled. I tried to be strong & was weak. But that was where I found Truth and escape.

I have been noticed. I have been tossed a line. I have been rescued.

This week begins news for me. New job. New schedule. New counselor. New issues I have not cross examined. New relationships. New vulnerabilities. New hope.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

In the Sanctuary of Outcasts

I found this book to be an easy read and a quick read. It was not exactly gripping where I had to know what was next, but I definitely was anxious to continue reading. The real appeal may not have been Neil’s experience for me. His story and the lessons he learned were nice, but I was just completely curious about a place that was a prison to criminals and at the same time a refuge to medical outcasts.

The truths Neil learned are basics; a good life with loved ones does not require wealth. It is vital to be honest without worrying about your image. Helping others is nobler than winning awards. I was glad he learned those things, we all should but it was not what made the story interesting to me.

Ella was easily the character I was drawn to the most. I did enjoy Link too though. I loved the message that life changing relationships developed in this strange location where the river runs North (does it really??) though the people never would have been friends outside of the magic that was Carville. Not everyone gets a chance like that so it was definitely story worthy to me.

Some things that stuck with me after reading were in Ch 36 where Neil described how he used to date beauty queens and after time, their stunning beauty became common. He said the same thing happened with the leper patients. Over time, their deformities & disfigurements faded into the norm. On both sides of the spectrum, after time physical traits disappear. I wish more people comprehended that and put less importance into the physical. It was comical to me that Neil wanted to wear cologne while in prison so I was glad he got over his definition of beauty by the end of the book.

My favorite Link moments include Ch 30 when dealing with a leprosy patient, he called him a leper. Smeltzer got upset and told Link ‘don’t call me that’. Link said ‘you got leprosy don’t you? What you want me to call you then?’ Smeltzer did not know. That was profoundly sad to me but I love Link’s candor.

Also in Ch 38 after his wife told Neil she was divorcing him, Link asked why Neil was sad. He told Link about the divorce and he laughed. He said ‘you a liar, you lost $2 million and you in jai! What you think she gonna do?!?’ I paraphrased to keep the eff words out.

The last thing I found so noteworthy was something Neil’s mother said to him in Ch 41. He did not want to live in the town his children were in and had a long list of valid reasons why. His mom told him ‘you either live in the same town with your children…or you don’t. There is no in between.’ I don’t think people get that. I dare say fathers don’t get it. It is so important for parents to put aside their own wants for the needs of the children. I was so glad Neil got that!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


It is not happening. I have been waiting but...nothing. I have been on hold for so long now. I have been waiting for things to get better; for things to change. For people to change & circumstances to change and I have been putting everything on hold until it happened.

So it is time. Today was the start of another school year and I am no longer waiting. I have to be the one. I need to decide what I am going to do and do it instead of this being on hold bullshit. I am starting a 21 day fast today. Danielish in nature. No wine, sweets, & meat mainly. Cant give up coffee & dairy. I may actually kill myself.

I have some decisions to make and need to start living again. I need to be me again. I need to figure out who I am in the life I have. I may have hoped for a different life but who doesn't? Let's make some lemonade!

I am going to clean up. I am going to declutter. I am going to look up. I am going to move forward and 21 days from now, I hope to have a new direction. Come what may. That's what Im talkin bout.