Thursday, November 29, 2007

Shoppin for a hooker

I love my church. I attend a Moms bible study which is geared towards stay at home moms and their young children. Today was so awesome. A lot better than usual in my opinion. A woman who does inner city outreach shared about the things she does with the homeless, with the dealers, with the strippers and the hookers. She gave us suburban middle classed have enough money that we dont have to work dressed in our trendy fashions latte sippin moms an insight into her world and invited us to join her on whatever level we wanted to. Our origional plans for the next time we met was to bring a pair of earings or a bracelet to do a gift swap with each other but after hearing this woman talk about how touched these women she encountered are to get the smallest gift, we decided to step it up and give all the gifts to the strippers and hookers. I Love my life and want the steril safe environment I created to stay intact on a lot of days. I would love my daughters to not know the ugly side of life and often I am too tired and overwhelmed with the Others in my life to look across the street to the person in the ditch. When I see them, then I have the pressure of reaching and streatching some more and I admit most days I just would rather avoid all that.

Now I have had a heart for strippers for a long time and wanted to get involved with the out reach to them. I plan to try to make the next outreach on December 21st but when I got home Kenneth said he wanted to go get a pair of shoes and some shirts. I got pumped and told him I was coming because I needed to get a Christmas present for a hooker!

Bless his heart, he tries to understand me. He thought the stuff I bought was too hookerish and I should get them something more modest but I think I did good. I also spent a bit extra on a lovely velvet gift box. He asked who the gift box was for and when I told him the hooker he tried to stop me but after 10 years together, he reconizes unstoppable passion in me when he sees it. I need my boat rocked sometimes. I need to see that the more I stretch the farther I can reach. I have to face the ugly to appreciate the Beauty.

God has given me so much beauty for ashes and pulled me out of so much ugly and I KNOW He did not do that for me to just settle into comfort and a world of nice. He did it so I can shine my light to someone like who I was so they can become the trend wearing latte drinking girl I have become. I do often feel like I am uncomfortable in my skin and while I know I have issues to work out I also think that can be the itch of comfort. We think comfort is good but I think it is deceptive. Was Jesus ever comfortable? Then why should I strive for that to be the norm. God knows my hooker's name. I pray she experiences the love of Christ. Tonight as it dips into the mid 40s and when she gets my pretty velvet box. That's what I'm talkin bout, baby.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Last Week before the Secret Reveal!

So last night I went shopping and spent some of the funnest money EVER! My origional intentions were for new kicks for myself (I do not own tennis but felt I needed some for the Disney trip) and the annual PJs for the girls' Christmas tradition. This year I thought I would do them with a twist.

It is important to Kenneth and I to have some annual traditions and one of them for Christmas is new PJs for the girls. With the surprize Disney trip just over a week away I came up with the idea to get the PJs early, get Disney ones and pack them to give the first night of the Disney stay. Well, there I was with money, shopping on the brain, the trip a week away and mounting excitement, not to mention Sale signs, and my ideas kept growing. I bought 2 additional outfits for each girl plus some Disney attire for my self. And after looking at hundreds of pairs of shoes and trying on a dozen pairs AND talking with quite a few over zealous sales people, I FINALLY found some new kicks I liked so much, I bought it in 2 colors!

I was so excited I came home and put the girls to bed as fast as I could so I could start packing! Then this morning I realized I needed some stuff I packed already. But I am super stoked!

So tomorrow is Monday and we just have to get through the entire week (which is pretty full!) and the Secret will be REVEALED!!! Om my gosh so many times I went to say when we got to Disney... or when we get back from Disney... or HEY GIRLS LETS GO TO DISNEY!!!

The plan is to wake them Monday and say time for school. Go get in mama and daddy's bed and I will bring you your clothes. I bring in the Disney outfits and when they say ANYTHING we will start screaming at them LET'S GO TO DISNEY!!! On an AIRPLANE no less!!! This is gonna be so stinkin fun!

I gotta go make a buncha lists. Oh my gosh, so close! THATS WHAT IM TALKIN BOUT BABY!!!!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

9 years

Today is November 20th, 2007. I married my husband 9 years ago, just 3 months after our baby girl died. I often realize what a good husband Kenneth has been to me despite our rough start. He did not have to stay with me for the first baby, or after we lost her and had nothing commiting us to each other. He has worked hard and despites his faults, has provided extreemly well for me and our girls all this time. I am not always good to him. I have often been horribly disrespectful to him. I do not often support him, but he loves me and shows me and continues to try to do right by me. I love him more, and even better, I like him more the longer we are together. He makes me laugh. He melts my heart. He is a gift from God to me.

I have to admit our Anniversary did not start too great. We both hate to wait with gifts and want to give them right away so we exchanged gifts last night. I did not like mine and he did not like his. I was even upset because I thought to myself, 'I gave the man a list of what I want and I already HAVE what he bought me (if you know Kenneth, no surprize, he got me the upgrade) and I love what I have and just because HE thinks I need an upgrade, it does not do what the old one does that I love and how can he do this to me WHINE WHINE WHINE!

But I decided to wake up today and just be glad about the gift of 9 years of marriage to a man I still love. I went got him a cheesecake and told him Happy Anniversary and asked for a gift of him cleaning the stove (a job he does not mind as far as actual work not on the computer goes and one I loath). He may or may not do it but I am ok with that. I am, however a little sensitive to the fact that both my mom and his mom called and did not mention what today is. I still feel my mom does not support my marriage (she was so against it in the beginning) but I think my main issue today is Ned was the one who NEVER forgot our anniversary. I could count on her to remember when no one else did and she is not here. I was very blessed in a bunch of tiny ways today even though I woke up with a 'the whole world is against me and its not fair' attitude. How like Jesus is it to kill me with kindness. So Happy Anniversary to me. There will be many more. That's what I'm talkin about. Baby.

Friday, November 16, 2007


I must admit I am usually annoyed beyond belief at stupid Fwd emails about send this prayer to 10 people or your house will burn down or send to all your friends and the one who sent it to you so you can see how many people love you and my BIGGEST pet peve is the well intentioned ones sending me the latest warning about cleaning products, scams and other ways people have come up with to ruin my life. There are MANY websites people, to check the validity of this stuff! Google it even! Here is one for you on the off chance one of you suckers takes the time out of your life from saving the day of the common stay at home moms to read my blog: Please. For the love of all that is good and holy, do not send me crap out of the concern overflowing out of your heart for me without taking a nanosecond to find out if it is true or not. And since you had the guts to read this I will just tell you the truth; it makes you look stupid. Bless your little heart.

That said, I got a Fwd today and rolled my eyes but I opened it on the off chance the sender had included a personal note to me. She had not by the way. I did, however find a nugget. Maybe more than that even. This could almost be catagorized as a 6 peice nugget value meal. Supersized would be pushing it but I thought it worth posting here. It was titled:
I Am Invisible

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, "Can't you see I'm on the phone?" Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.

I'm invisible. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, "What time is it?" I'm a satellite guide to answer, "What number is the Disney Channel?" I'm acre to order, "Right around 5:30, please."I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going... she's going... she's gone!

One night a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, "I brought you this."

It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: "To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees."

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:
(1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.
(2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.
(3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.
(4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, "Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it." And the workman replied, "Because God sees."

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, "I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become."

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table." That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, "You're gonna love it there."As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

THATS what Im talkin bout baby.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

That time of year

In the past, I go fetal around mid-October. I guess this year I have been too busy to fall apart. I feel bounced between the thoughts of Peace and War, Rest and Work, Life and Death. It seems this year those themes are amped in my life. It has been almost one year since the day Ned was diagnosed with cancer (Nov. 17th). Two new babies have been born into our family (Ned's daughter and son each had a baby in late October). I have my annual loss exhibit in November and annual memorial service in December. I have felt slammed by battles in my mind over things I thought were part of my past, not my present. I feel no repreave from Death and this time of year, I seem to be surrounded by it. I know it is part of my calling, my ministry, but it feels too heavy sometimes. Out of balance.

I have always heard the saying 'Little kids, little problems; big kids, big problems'. I am starting to live it. My girls are growing up and getting, well, big. I can no longer keep them under my wing. I have no choice but to allow them to venture out in the world where the devil roams around like a lion looking for someone to devour. I feel so little confidence in how I have prepaired and equiped them. I feel devoured some days myself; hardly able to survive my own wars, much less fight someone elses.

My tank feels empty often and instead of turning to my Source, I just get pissed and spew venom. Like that will help. Things are not all bad, like I said, I am not balled up in the fetal position not willing to open my eyes and face the day, I just feel emotional, drained, isolated and alone. I need to be touched and talked to and it would be nice for someone to walk along side me. Jesus is there. I want Him to be enough and I am mad at myself that I will not let Him be. I mean, when He tells me to do something and I refuse, I know who's fault that is. I just feel so vurnarable and sensitive. I feel confused. I do not seem to know where the line is between the Proverbs woman who never seems to sleep and David who rests in the Shadow of the Almighty and is willing to be still and know, even in the face of turmoil.

I want to live the Word. I want to be equiped by the Word, I want to show God my love by obeying His Word. Now to decide if I should do that after I finish the laundry or if I should get to bed before it is tomorrow already. That's what Im talkin about.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Backwards Period

Now that my period is over my face is all broken out, I have cramps and I am fighting depression so bad I have to force myself to shower and brush my teeth. Kenneth is on turn around. He works every night until it is over. He comes home and wakes everyone up before the alarm then goes to sleep. He then gets up about an hour and a half before he needs to go to work again. Thank GOD I am not a single mother or that things are not always like this. I am a wreck.

Usually I have enough anger to fuel me. I have enough fight in me to keep on keepin on. I can keep going, I just do not want to as much. I want the house to be clean, I want chocolate, I want to not care about what the chocolate does to my ass, I want good sex, I want ANY sex, I want to feel somebody is on my side, I want my own room, I want someone to say 'God bless you' when I sneeze, I want to weigh 10 pounds less, I want to not be in debt, I want to never pay late fees, I want to not have to be responsible, I want to ride a motorcycle, I want another tattoo, I want to drink, I want to do drugs, I want to be so satisfied with Jesus, I do not need sex, chocolate or a God bless you. Hmm. I want the Rapture. I want Peace. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.