Saturday, August 30, 2008
I will be honest. I did not really feel we belonged to this group. Not that I felt we were out of place exactly, but our hearts were going in a slightly different direction. I mean, we have had a family and did not have a desire left unfilled like some couples facing infertility and such. We got pregnant 4 times in 5 years and have done the newborn thing and while we would do it again in a heartbeat if a child fell into our laps, I just did not feel our desires were quite like those of the other families there.
Kenneth and I are both more interested in the foster care system and that was not touched on as much as I hoped it would be. I was very glad to be there and felt Kenneth was too even though we had circumstances that could have made it difficult. My love is not one that can be dragged along to pursue a passion of mine without silently protesting louder that a two year old's temper tantrum. He seemed to want to be there as much as I did. It was time well spent together but as we gathered our things to leave, I had no new direction to take my prayers.
There was a display in the back of all these profiles of kids in the foster system that needed homes and I have no good reason for not going look. The display had recently been featured at church and I missed it then also. It was information I had hoped for but never went after so when it was time to go, I said 'wait, let me go look at the profiles first'.
My love had already looked and said so. I said well now I need to. He said see if you can figure out which one I want. I said if I do, can we have that child? He said SURE because there were so many to choose from the odds were STACKED in his favor. You know where this is going. I picked the exact child he did.
His name is Leandre and he is 6 years old. He loves Cheetos and hopes to have a puppy one day. I have no idea what this means. If nothing else, that child will be prayed for like he is mine.
Now my love who said 10 years this morning said if the youngest was 8, he would take him in a second. That is in 4 years. 6 years sooner that his original plan. He also said a few other things that got my heart racing.
Now as I prep my home and family for the hurricane, I wonder where Leandre is. I wonder if storms scare him and if he has been hugged today. I wonder who will tuck him in tonight and if he will wake tomorrow smiling.
I took a profile of his and there is a number on there to call but I do not think I can yet. Until my love tells me to bring him home, I can not do more than pray. There are too many children that will not be hugged today or tucked in tonight or wake up smiling and my heart can not handle that. So for now I pray for Leandre. And all I can say is Leandre, Lord. Leandre, Lord. Leandre, Lord.
Again, I do not know what this means but I do not believe in coincidences and all my spirit says over and over is Leandre, Lord! That is my new direction. Leandre, Lord.
Monday, August 25, 2008
I decided a couple years ago to face some sexual traumas from my past and I began blogging my way through that insanity. I had all this crap to get out but did not want to share my ugliest demons with anyone I had to look into the eyes so I blogged and assumed no one read. I assumed that because I had never found a personal blog I would like to read. Once I posted a comment on our church blog and a good friend of mine informed my dumbass that a comment would link directly to my blog. ERASE!! Eventually I started a less XXX-rated blog and was emailed a link to Stuff Christians Likestuffchristianslike.blogspot.com. I wish I knew how to make the words be a link but as noted earlier, dumbass on the keyboard. I would respond and a few people checked me out and thus begins my blog addiction.
I am now interested in reading other blogs so when my pastor mentions this woman has one, I looked her up. She is cool but I do not want to respond to her blog because she was featured by my church. I am not as much of a dumbass as I was in all things blog so I just figured her blog is getting lots of church attention right now and I am attempting to NOT be center of attention in my church because that does not often turn out how I expect and is often a painful lesson in humility.
So this featured woman links to another blog and this is where my point (and title link) come in!! *WOW, I can spiderweb!! It is a gift.*
I go to this other blog and she is talking about fasting on Mondays for the orphans. I am so in!!
Here is why, one thing I want to do this school year is fast more often and more regularly. Also I need to lose 10 pounds because my clothes do not fit and I like pants with buttons on them.
Also, for whatever reason, orphans have been on my heart a lot. In this way;
- I came up with a God sized dream that was about helping orphans
- my church called me and interviewed me about my dream (WT...! Of course I spiderwebbed the hell outa my dream and the lady was done with me and I had never gotten back to my original point so not sure how that will turn out)
- I committed to 40 days of Prayer with Children's Cup, all for the orphans and stuff relating
- my husband and I are attending an adoption seminar this weekend (WHAT?!? That is GOD people!!)
- The first mentioned blog is kinda orphan related and then the fast on Mondays thing
- I got a letter from the child we sponsor through Missions of Mercy
- I am hurting more over the daughter I lost. It is intensified and I feel it is related
I dunno, I just do not believe in coincidences. It is a lot of focus in one area for me. I am excited to see where this goes.
If you are interested, click the title of this post to find the blog that started the idea. I feel something supernatural around me. Like anticipation and excitement or something. Come on in boys, the water's fine!
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Middle child actually has a birthday on the 4th and she is the non-official favorite if such a thing were allowed without CPS being called and if the other 2 were grounded enough in my love to not need therapy later in life. Anyway, her birthday is the 4th and that is a weird dynamic because it is the very same birthday as my mother. My mother turned 50 the day I had a baby and I chose that induction date because she wanted it that way but I almost feel like I will pay for it the rest of my life. Middle child is the sweetest thing ever in the whole wide world. God still reigns.
Sometimes the number 4 hits me like a soccer ball to the bagina and knocks me on my ass. That is what happened yesterday. I have 4 daughters. But I do not get to be a part of the 'I have 4 children club'. There are only 3 car seats (boosters) in my van, 3 pair of pink cleats littering my kitchen floor, 3 kisses goodnight, 3 different voices saying my name.
Sometimes the number 4 hurts. And sometimes it just represents.
Every year my oldest has been in soccer, I have made a t-shirt to wear to games. Avery's Biggest Fan or Avery's Soccer Mom. This year all 3 are playing. I have been trying to decide what to do because I need a shirt for all 3. My love calls me from work to say he found a deal online and is getting me a professional shirt this year! I am stoked as we talk about options. We decide on Team Haynes and some other things and he asks if I know what my number will be. I take a guess and with a touch of pain in my voice (from getting slammed in the croutons earlier) I say I guess 5 because that is how many we are. My love says, "No. Your number is 4".
Oh, that man knows my heart! DAMN!
My Father knows it too. Sometimes 4 hurts and sometimes it represents. That's what Im talkin bout BABY!
Thursday, August 21, 2008
I am so disappointed she did not trust me with the truth and she lied. And lied. And lied..
Really, I could care less about the trouble she got in. I just do not get why she did not trust me with the truth. I can even understand lying. I mean I struggle with telling the truth and I am an adult. But she lied to me.
I want her to trust me and I think she needs to be punished for lying so much. My husband does not agree.
She is taking it pretty hard and I am glad. I pray my children can not tolerate sin in their lives. I still feel my prayers are being heard and answered. This just hurts my pride. Which I guess can be a good sign. I do not want to raise up my children in the way they should go so I can be admired as a great parent. It should be for God's glory.
Looks like we both need to move our pin.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
I do not claim to be a great parent but I feel I do a decent job considering the facts that when I was not raising myself, the verbal and mental abuse I suffered made me crave the streets and/or alcohol. I try hard, that is for sure. I do my best to educate myself with parenting books and teachings. I ask advice from women I admire in the area of motherhood. I beg my God to help me not screw up too bad. And I love hard. My love for my girls is fierce, almost an angry love. All my 'feelings' include anger, a defence mechanism I am working on. I know I love them enough to give my life for them and even more, to do what is right by them. Even when it hurts.
Kenneth and I actually had a situation with the youngest recently and I told him I was clueless. Despite all my studies I was not sure how to handle the daughter that is so like me. I often remember how traumatic the pregnancy for her was. It was one of the hardest times in my life. It was insane what I went through while she was in utero and on occasions I think she may need some sort of deliverance exorcism Holy Ghost smack down but to be honest, I am too fearful to even go there.
I recently listened to a teaching on inner core pain and how it has to come out and be replaced with Love and I have this vision of becoming vulnerable and letting my walls down and releasing that pain and if anyone were there that was a seer, they would see demons. Yeah. Deep shit. So what do I do? White knuckle it and keep my secrets and pain to myself. It is better to keep my demons secret that to risk people knowing what I really live with. Pretty effing stupid, I know.
So last night the oldest says she needs to tell me something. She is crying and I know her. This will take hours. She, like her daddy, has trouble expressing herself in words when deeply troubled. Basically, she had a sub. who told her to move her pin for shaking her pencil. This is a child who has NEVER in all of pre-school OR 3 years of primary school ever had to 'move her pin'. Her teachers adore her, her subs usually adore her and see me in the school and run up to me to tell me how great she is. Considering the history of this child and my angry emotions, I think 'how dare that bitch!'.
I ask oldest child to show me exactly what she was doing with her pencil and if the teacher was upset. Was the entire class giving her a hard time? Did a lot of people have to move their pins? It did not make sense to me. Then she tells me she asked a question that took a while to be answered and by the time she was done with the question, she forgot to go move her pin. Now by this point, much time has gone by so I say you have to tell the teacher what happened. But I knew the teacher did not have this much time to invest so I suggest we write the teacher a letter. We do and I think it is over and put her to bed and it is not long before she is back in my room crying because she was not honest with me. She did not forget, she just did not want to move her pin. So we have to re-write the letter to be more truthful and deal with more snot and tears and prayer.
I so wanted to tell her, let's just keep the story about forgetting because this is getting exhausting. I seriously considered it but just as my daughter could not sleep on her sin, I could not condone it either. While she knew she had to do the right thing, she wanted me to do it for her. I wanted to do it for her! I want the teacher to let her off the hook for being honest and because the original offence seems stupid to me. So what if she was shaking her pencil! Give her a warning if you have some sort of whacked hang up about shaking pencils but do not mar my daughters perfect record and cause her emotional distress you CRAZY PSYCHO SUB! LET'S TAKE THIS OUTSIDE BECAUSE YOU MUST WANT TO FIGHT!
The oldest does not go to this class where it all went down till after lunch. This will be a long day. Anticipation almost paralyzes my oldest. I dare say the day will be almost as hard for me as it will be for her. What I have going for me is increased faith that my prayers are heard and answered because I pray for them to not be able to tolerate sin. If this is any indication of what kind of person she will be, my fears that my children will make mistakes like I did are vanished. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
When I was in highschool, my contrabution to saving the planet was a bumper sticker on my car that said 'Save Water, Bathe with a Friend'. That and I used o.b. tampons.
Now that I am a grown up with children that need a nice planet to live on, I have started trying to find ways that I can go green since I no longer have a uterus and that bumper sticker may or may not be appropriate.
One of the things I have done that takes a bit of a commitment is to purchase some recycled totes to shop with instead of paper or plastic. They were a dollar each and I bought 4, figuring one for each of the girls and me. Plus, I think I just had a five dollar bill and had to factor in tax. The cashier that sold them to me said she thought they should have been free but I felt it a good investment.
My church serves coffee in paper cups but from now on, I will bring my own mug each week. I did it last week and they were cool with it since it is to save the planet our God created and all.
The other thing I have done is my favorite. I now tivo Battleground Earth (title links to the show site)! Being an ex-rocker, I very much enjoy watching Tommy Lee from the Crue and while I have never been a fan, Ludacris is very easy to look at. I have only seen one episode so far but I am COMMITTED and plan to watch them all! I do it because I care.
Friday, August 08, 2008
I hate gum. Gives me a headache. Unless I am taking X and there are no girls to kiss. Then it is good.
I wish my girls could take a pack of gum to school to remember I love them and buy them gum.
Remember that bitch who wrote me up in the 4th grade for eating candy at school that time? (candy, not gum but whatever)
If my girls ever get in trouble for something stoopid I will prolly buy them more gum.
That and I will want to fight the teacher that wrote them up.
Unfortunatly I am serious. I ran into the teacher that wrote me up for candy after I had grown up and was an adult and had children of my own and the entire time I am talking with her I am thinking 'really bitch? It was a stoopid peice of candy!'. Sorry for the excessive use of the word bitch for the 3 of you who read here. Gum makes me say bitch a lot.
So now I am all anxious about anti-gum/candy bitchy teachers who will try to hurt my children and I feel the need to get out my punching bag or box on wii fit because I am all angry even though my girls have no gum/candy paraphernalia on them.
When they get home I will hug them and give them gum and tell them not to worry about mean people ('bitches' in my head) because I got their backs and they can have all the gum they want.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
So here goes. I dream to visit orphans in Africa (specifically Mozambique where we have a church plant) with my entire family to do missions work. Like, for a year. I know. My husband hates to fly, to work hard, to not have all modern conviences within arm's reach, to sweat and to be face to face with things that may invoke feelings. My children are 4, 6 and 8 and cried for their own beds after 3 nights in a posh Disney suite. We have a mountain of debt (Matthew 17:20). I can hardly stay saved around my mother. I know. It is a God sized dream. And since He reigns and all...
And listen. I understand how long a year is. I am not trying to set a time limit but I just do not feel a 6 day mission trip to anywhere other than Orlando is where my heart is. I was in the Army. While my best friends were getting drunk at Senior Frogs in Cancun, I was getting up before 4am to get screamed at while I ran agabazillion miles with a ruck on my back almost as tall as me and only about 50 pounds lighter than me. I was shipped straight out of basic training to Soul, Korea at 18 years old without even a pair of underwear that was not basic issue.
I understand what it is like to not understand the main language spoken and shove a wad of foreign money at shop keepers and pray they do not screw me too bad as they take 'what I owe' for my purchases. I understand how after a while, the thought of an Exxon gas station or a WalMart can make a person cry from a new level of homsickness. I am just an all or nothing kinda girl.
My family sponsors a boy named Tokozoni through Mission of Mercy and it makes me a little sick as I sit at my 19 inch hot pink Dell loptop shoving a buttered toasted bagel (breakfast for supper night) in my overweight mouth but I try not to go there. I cant really. I just thank God for the geographical grace He gave my family to be a 'rich American family' and join in on things like Children's Cup's Forty Days of Prayer. And I dream.
Pray with me. Dream with me. Let's move some mountains.