Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Heavy Hearted

It is with a heavy heart I sent my oldest into the world today, equipped with a pack of tissues and an encouraging note full of scriptures to stand on.

I do not claim to be a great parent but I feel I do a decent job considering the facts that when I was not raising myself, the verbal and mental abuse I suffered made me crave the streets and/or alcohol. I try hard, that is for sure. I do my best to educate myself with parenting books and teachings. I ask advice from women I admire in the area of motherhood. I beg my God to help me not screw up too bad. And I love hard. My love for my girls is fierce, almost an angry love. All my 'feelings' include anger, a defence mechanism I am working on. I know I love them enough to give my life for them and even more, to do what is right by them. Even when it hurts.

Kenneth and I actually had a situation with the youngest recently and I told him I was clueless. Despite all my studies I was not sure how to handle the daughter that is so like me. I often remember how traumatic the pregnancy for her was. It was one of the hardest times in my life. It was insane what I went through while she was in utero and on occasions I think she may need some sort of deliverance exorcism Holy Ghost smack down but to be honest, I am too fearful to even go there.

I recently listened to a teaching on inner core pain and how it has to come out and be replaced with Love and I have this vision of becoming vulnerable and letting my walls down and releasing that pain and if anyone were there that was a seer, they would see demons. Yeah. Deep shit. So what do I do? White knuckle it and keep my secrets and pain to myself. It is better to keep my demons secret that to risk people knowing what I really live with. Pretty effing stupid, I know.

So last night the oldest says she needs to tell me something. She is crying and I know her. This will take hours. She, like her daddy, has trouble expressing herself in words when deeply troubled. Basically, she had a sub. who told her to move her pin for shaking her pencil. This is a child who has NEVER in all of pre-school OR 3 years of primary school ever had to 'move her pin'. Her teachers adore her, her subs usually adore her and see me in the school and run up to me to tell me how great she is. Considering the history of this child and my angry emotions, I think 'how dare that bitch!'.

I ask oldest child to show me exactly what she was doing with her pencil and if the teacher was upset. Was the entire class giving her a hard time? Did a lot of people have to move their pins? It did not make sense to me. Then she tells me she asked a question that took a while to be answered and by the time she was done with the question, she forgot to go move her pin. Now by this point, much time has gone by so I say you have to tell the teacher what happened. But I knew the teacher did not have this much time to invest so I suggest we write the teacher a letter. We do and I think it is over and put her to bed and it is not long before she is back in my room crying because she was not honest with me. She did not forget, she just did not want to move her pin. So we have to re-write the letter to be more truthful and deal with more snot and tears and prayer.

I so wanted to tell her, let's just keep the story about forgetting because this is getting exhausting. I seriously considered it but just as my daughter could not sleep on her sin, I could not condone it either. While she knew she had to do the right thing, she wanted me to do it for her. I wanted to do it for her! I want the teacher to let her off the hook for being honest and because the original offence seems stupid to me. So what if she was shaking her pencil! Give her a warning if you have some sort of whacked hang up about shaking pencils but do not mar my daughters perfect record and cause her emotional distress you CRAZY PSYCHO SUB! LET'S TAKE THIS OUTSIDE BECAUSE YOU MUST WANT TO FIGHT!

The oldest does not go to this class where it all went down till after lunch. This will be a long day. Anticipation almost paralyzes my oldest. I dare say the day will be almost as hard for me as it will be for her. What I have going for me is increased faith that my prayers are heard and answered because I pray for them to not be able to tolerate sin. If this is any indication of what kind of person she will be, my fears that my children will make mistakes like I did are vanished. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.

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