Wednesday, October 06, 2010

no respecter of persons

Besides maybe one day getting out of debt, working again may gain me some really valuable lessons.  What I want does not matter.  How honest I am does not make people trust me.  No matter how much you plan and organize (& pray & wish), there are only 24 hours in a day.  You will not always get applauded for doing the right thing.

I hate when I think i have learned a biblical truth only to find out I just got the basic concept and the real lesson is a lot more likely to strip away big chunks of flesh.  We can rejoice too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.  And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.  Romans 5:3-4.

As adorable as that verse is, I am in the gross part right now.  After 5 weeks of working all but full time, my kids are still a wreck, my finances are even worse off (dumb stuff keeps happening; truck repairs, speeding ticket due, credit card scam, etc, etc) I never see my spouse to work on our relationship, I still cant seem to do things right at work, so much so my job may be threatened, even though I am giving it my all.  I have not been able to make it to church except the days I was asked to volunteer and it is getting cold.  There is no time for friends and fun, only function and never frivolity.  I live where the good die young and evil is blatantly rewarded. 

while the end is no where in sight, I still hold to the belief that there will be a Light there.  I remember that there always has been One before.  The Light has been so faithful that I am not doubting the Light exists, but I really only continue to put one foot in front of the other out of habit.  Out of pride.  Out of spite.  Out of lack of options.  I just hope I make it to the end without getting lost.  I expect some bumps and bruises along the way.  Endurance, strength, character blah blah.  So I keep at my rat race.  Never giving up.  Growing weary but never quitting.  Waiting & working & falling & bruising and knowing one day I will again see the Light.