Sunday, December 31, 2006
I did my grieving Christmas night. I cried a lot of the night. Sobbed actually. I am now of the mindset, 'just take her now'. I do not want this to drag on. I want her to be better off and if that can not happen here, I just want her life to end.
Today, and maybe the past few days, I think I may have been a little depressed. I seem to be feeling sorry for myself because Ned was always good to me. She was always there for me and now, for all intents and purposes, she is gone. I also wonder how this will change who mama is. Will she be more the 'poor me, life is so hard for me' maryter? I guess that is how I have been. I do not want to be.
At church I got some perspective though. I do not have it bad at all. Delin is losing her Daddy, who she is very close to. A couple from our church are praying for a miricle for their 5 month old daughter. Molly (a church staff member) recently lost her dad to cancer after an 8 year battle. My loss is minor. It is not easy but it could be worse too. It could be Kenneth or one of my girls. This brings up another issue weighing on me. Other than Ken and the girls, who is really vital to me? Even Rachel would not be a devestating loss. That sounds like a problem. I know when Thomas died, I was more jealous than anything. He was now living the good Life. And even after loosing him, then Rya a year later (which was a much bigger loss to me), life went on. There is no life without death but should I be so callous to it? Should my emotions be so shallow and cold?
Tomorrow starts a new day, a new year, a new chance to live and love. Thank God for His grace and mercy. That is what I am talkin about.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
It is one of those things that if you have not been there, do not even try to say you understand. It is one of those things that truely gives insight into the whole God thing. God is in control and there is little we can do about it. God is just and soverign no matter how much we hurt. That is hard. Our flesh is so weak. Some things hurt so bad! The pain wants to taint our perspective and have us believe lies instead of Truth. Truth that makes no sense and rips away the illusions of us having any say in how we will live tomorrow.
My Nanny was told yesterday she has cancer. It is in her bones. She has been in severe pain for 8 weeks and now we know why. She takes care of her 3 grandchildren. She is going to the beach house because she does not know if she will ever get another chance to go. She got into bed with her husband of 30-something years last night knowing her tomorrow is in God's Holy Hands, and she has no say. What was important yesterday now means nothing. How incredible to have the perspective Ned must have right now! How incredible if we had that perspective. How shitty she got hers because of cancer.
This IS life. Our story is no different than anyone elses. We will not be featured on Oprah or even the local paper. This is just what happens in life. I trust God and believe He can and will do miricles. Even if He does not for Ned, He is still good. He is still Love. He is in control because He needs to be. What a mess we would make if we controled our own lives. I watched Click yesterday and it has a powerful message. If we could choose to skip the hard times, the trials, the things our flesh rebels from, we would. We are too weak to have that option. That is why we DON'T. We need those times. Mixed in with the trials is some powerful good. We just have to be willing to open our eyes and see it.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
1 John 1:8 If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.10 If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.
Yeah, I agree with you on this one. I don't know the writer's intentions of the show, but I couldn't help but to compare my own religious beliefs. Eko said he didn't sin because he did what he thought was right to survive. He doesn't consider himself a sinner because he is trying to justify himself. He told his brother, "Everything I did, I did to save you." His brother said "You talk to me like I'm your brother."
This reminds me of Matthew 7:22-23Mat 7:22Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?Mat 7:23And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.
Eko never confessed his sins, instead he said, "Didn't I do this and this for you? I did it all in your name, to save you" His brother basically said, "You talk like I'm your brother, like you know me. But I'm not your brother, I never knew you."
I replied with this:
but don't you think the changes he made in his life were evident that he was sorry for his choices?
as a child he was forced to confess to stealing the feed his hungry brother. then he was forced to take a life as a child to save his brother. Those were not choises he should have to repent for in my opinion.
Remember when he killed the Other in self defense? Again, not a choice, but he repented and fasted for it. He took the grace and second chance when his brother lost his life and Eko got a chance to live right for a change. He killed those men in the church AGAIN in self defense. Well, maybe he did not have to kill them but this is secular tv. I do not expect it to line up with the Word. Not on any level.
Remember Eko talking about how to get to heaven in season 2? It was NOT Truth. The show never claimed to be bringing us the gospel.
Then another post in responce to mine, and this one I truely loved. I think the writers spoke more Truth than they intended:
Oh I agree with you, I don't think secular tv is spreading THE TRUTH. But sometimes it does draw out our own religious beliefs.
When Eko first said "no I didn't sin" that verse that Josiah posted (1 John 1:8-10) came to mind, that if we say we haven't sinned, then we make Him a liar. But then he started explaining why he didn't sin.
At first I thought about grace as well, but then I thought that he was trying to justify himself. He said he was PROUD of what he did to save his brother. He said he didn't ask for the life he was given, but he did his best. He would not confess or ask for forgiveness, he justified his own actions. When his brother said "you talk to me as if I'm your brother" and walked away, it was as if he was denying him.
Then the black smoke attacked him. I thought the black smoke was like sin. He died in his sins/his sins killed him because he justified his own works and did not confess. Killing someone, even to save another's life, is still killing. And according to the law, it is a sin. Eko could have said, "I killed a man to save you, and I am glad that you were saved, but please forgive me for having to take another life to do so." Instead, he said he was proud.
Now if the LOST storyline had ended with Eko's speech, I might have continued to believe that he was justified for what he did. But their storyline of his brother walking away and the black smoke killing him only made me think of the scriptures about Jesus not knowing those who claim to know Him. And the black smoke killing him made me also think that he was not right in what he said.
Mr Eko has been by far one of my favorite characters (yes, even more than Sawyer-shh). In a general way I related to him and felt like I had some insight into his character because of it. As a child, he made a decision, a sacrifice really, that left his brother to the Light side while Eko had to go the way of the Dark side. Sure he had a choice. But sometimes that choice is kill or be killed. Reguardless of our intentions and lack of choice in certain situations, the Darkness hardens your heart. Remember, it is kill or be killed. As a survival mecanizm, we even choose to harden our hearts more than the circumstances we find ourselfs in. Eko was bad because he was good. *sob*
Then enters Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound! In this weeks episode, Eko was told over and over to confess. To me that represented the legalism that had him bound most of his life. Be bad to be good. Be good to be bad. A Truth of God that Satan twisted to keep God's children in slavery. When Eko's life was spared and his brother's lost, it could be easy to say Romans 8:28 is not true (all things work together for our good for those who love God and are called according to His purposes). Satan would want Eko to believe he was being punished for his sins (legalism). But the Truth is, he was being given grace, a second chance. God spoke to me when Eko decided to say he was NOT sorry for what he did. God said ALL THINGS NEW.
When my first daughter died I was not a Christian and I believed for a while I was being punished. When I finally became a Christian and learned of God's love, I no longer thought that way. I also realized that when Rya lost her life, I found life-eternal life. Same with Eko and his brother. The brother lost his life but because of it, well, I am getting ahead of myself.
But when, as a new Christian, I learned about repeantance and confess your sins to one another and that line, I got angry and almost turned my back on God.
See, I was married and pregnant again but was not married the first time and I refused to repent for having pre-marital sex because my daughter resulted from it. It was a short life but it meant the world to me, still does. I told my spiritual mentor I was through with God and I was not sorry for creating my daughter. That was when she introduced me to Grace.
I feel like in the episode, Eko had to face his past (his fears) and view them in light of God's Truth. Remember, he is now a man of God. He took his second chance seriously. When he was able to see the Truth, he then had the strength to accept the grace (NOT an easy thing to do) and refuse to give in to legalism. It was then that Eko recieved Peace.
I am sad to not have Eko on the show anymore but I am happy for the way it ended. Romans 8:28 is still True on The Island. That's what Im talking about Eko!
Monday, October 30, 2006
I actually learned something at church this weekend. In the story of Elijah and the sacrifice after the 3 1/2 years of no rain, I thought he drenched his sacrifice with water to show up the followers of Baal and say after your god did nothing, mine will show up with fire even though all this wet stuff will be really hard to burn. I kinda looked at Elijah using water to mock the followers of Baal but he gave what was hard to give. There was lots of wood but there was not much water. He sacrificed what hurt to give not what was easy because he had so much excess. There was no pain in sacrificing the bull or the wood or the stones. It was the water that was precious and Elijah was generous with his sacrifice of water. Way cool!
I have an event coming up that I can give away bears at. In the past at events like this, I know some people will take anything that is free wether they need it or even want it. I have had people take my display items before and then go and take from every table in the room. I want to give freely and I do not want to not give to those who need because of the ones who dont. But I have been debating what to do because once you give to some, those who want free stuff will want their share too.
Each bear is just over $4 with tax and shipping so to give away 25 will cost me $100. Not an easy decision to make right before the extra cost of Christmas right around the corner. At the Fall Fest last night (that Kenneth and I volunteered to work), a woman came up to me. I kept her son when I worked nursery and we see each other around but I do not even know her name. She heard about AAU somehow and said she had something for me. She handed me $100 cash.
That's what I'm talking about baby.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
As her mother, my heart hurt and my stomach turned when I saw how bad her little scrape was. I know it was not like she broke a bone or was diagnoised with some horrible diesease but I hurt for her none the less. It is one of those scrapes that will hurt every time your knee bends a little and when the bath water hits it and when your pants rub against it. It will take a while to heal and have a scab for a long time.
Why am I blogging about a scraped knee? Well, I kinda felt like God said to me, "How do you think I feel when your sin scrapes your knee? How do you think it affects Me when I try to warn you of the danger of the direction you are going, the speed which you are moving at and the surface you are treading on, but you are not listening because 'it is just a little harmless fun'? How do you think I feel when I have to pick you up and bandage your boo boo because you did not trust My objections? How do you think My heart hurts when I see my precious daughter in pain, minor as it may be?"
Today I experienced the Love of Christ, though it is so great I will never fully understand it (Eph 3:19). Thas what Im talkin bout baby.
Friday, October 13, 2006
At the end of the trip we went to the souvineer shop and I found these tiny little pigs. I asked Adrian if she wanted one and she said yes so I bought one. At the last minute I decided to buy 3 little piggies, one for each of my girls. It was funny because '3 little pigs'. Adrian was thrilled and was role playing with them and they were small enough to all fit in her chubby little fist. We were walking the same path out that we came in and I look down and see a 4th little piggy. It may seem weird to some, but I felt like it was a precious gift from God. He gave me a piggy for each of my girls. And right after a day when I cried to Him about missing my Rya. How sweet is that! That is what I am talking about, Jesus.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Now for some balance. I will not talk about how while in a dead sleep from taking medications my husband woke me up when he was awake to take Adrian to the bathroom where she peed on me. No sence in making myself cry this early in the day. ; )
I do NOT NOT NOT have jury duty today. Thank You Jesus! I also have been ministering to a mother who had a miscarriage at 9 weeks and is having a hard time. She keeps telling me how much she appreciated what I do with Angels Among Us. And get this, she is a nurse at Woman's. She has never heard of me. She wants to try and do something to change that. What an answered prayer!!!
And one more little thing. I am fitting back into SOME of my clothes and the big thing is, I am happy where I am. Now, thats what Im talkin about!
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Avery's baptism has been cancelled so we are disappointed but we can get over that. I have just sent out invitations and called to order the cakes and we were just excited.
Church today was good. Look at a child from a 3rd world country, hear about any one day in their life and if you do not feel overwhelmed with gratitude let me know so I can pray for you. It is heart wrenching and makes our issues (missing a zoo field trip) seem petty and selfish.
The speaker did mention something I have been praying about. She said we are to tithe everything. I guess that means ministry money too. Now she also said a ministry should not accept a tithe from an individual because it should go to a church home. I recently got someone's tithe because they left their church home. I did not think much of it (outside of extreem gratitude) but now I wonder...
My exhibit at the convention went great. I almost did not do it because of the work involved but my confirmation came during church today. The message was titled You Reep What You Sow. It was about how serving, ministry, sowing is hard. It is never just 9-5, it is uphill all the way, it COST something. but it is right and it is God's will that we do what He has called us to do.
I gotta go do my bible study now since I get to go. God is so good! THATS what Im talking about baby.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Avery-Avery is as surefooted as a deer (Ps 18:33)
Emery-Always stay united with the Holy Spirit and bind her together with peace (Eph 4:3)
Adrian-She is like a hornet, driving out the enemies of God (Ex. 23:28, De. 7:20, Jos. 24:12)
Kenneth-He loves me like Christ loves the church (Eph 6:25)
And PLEASE Jesus, let me out of jury duty!! If I have to go I miss Em's first ever field trip. She will be so very sad. Me too!!! In the matchless name of Jesus I pray. Thas what Im talkin bout!
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
- my 'baby' potty trained and started school
- I started working out at a gym since I have gained back most of the weight I lost. I no longer look like a popped can of biscuits in my pants but I have a looooong way to go. I LOOOVE to spin and actually really enjoy working out at a gym. Who knew?!?
- Kenneth and I are praying about a vesectamy
- I have an addiction to Coastal Coffee fruit smoothies (big deal for someone who hates ice, popcicles and snoballs). And I dare you to try the advocado and NOT like it!!!
- I lead worship at Children's church at the Annex AND my husband also serves in Children's Church. We want to do it about once a month but I find myself there more often than that. Surprize.
- I apparently have NOT given up scarcasm.
I love my friends. They think I am a freak but I think they are not right. So my children enjoy naked time. If that is the worst thing they have to talk to a shrink about when they grow up, I can deal.
I recently fasted QVC totally for 40 days and I have been trying to NOT spend money unless necessary. I was becoming a big money spender. Not sure what that was about but now it is hard for me to not buy stuff. Sometimes I have to fight the urge go shopping. I think I eased into finding pleasure in food (weight gain) and shopping (maxed credit card) instead of God's Presence.
Ohhh! I am carpooling so that is cool! sometimes other people bring my girls to school and I do not have to! Gotta love that. Did I mention I love my friends? I also no longer can live without Tivo. Well, maybe I could right now, but once Lost starts back...NO.
Avery kicks butt at soccer and has asked to be baptized-WOW (Oct 14th). Emery is the smartest student in her class and the sweetest child in the world. Adrian is so stinkin funny! We ENJOY her so much. I love my life.
Angels Among Us has had a HUGE God touch. I felt God telling me to do a bear drive around Rya's birthday (she would have turned 8 on Aug. 2nd) and so far over $700 has come in. I do not know what to say. Obedience leads to blessing.
I am trying to watch (and care about) football with Kenneth. I got jury duty coming up for the first time ever. I am down to one dog (maybe it was not a good idea to name my dogs Katrina and Rita). OH, and I can FINALLY watch church on TV. Praise God and thank you WBRZ! Thats what Im talkin bout baby!