Before and After

I feel like all my days leading up to my surgery were part of one life, and now I am in the next part. Things used to be 'before my surgery ____' and now it is more 'since my surgery ____'.
Watching life happen from the position of being in bed and being hooked to a cathator is not a view I have had much.

My goal is to allow people to care for me (NOT easy!) and to not criticize Kenneth (even HARDer). The girls still come to my bedside and step over the cath. tubing to tell me they are hungry or thirsty. They are calling Kenneth out because he will say something that hurts them, they come tell me and he denys it for a while before they all gang up on him. Bless his heart, this may very well be harder on him than me. I mean he will bring me something to drink and want me to reach for it across the bed where his computer is rather than walk the extra 6 steps to my side. He did not think to heat my food once before giving it to me. I mean that is just him. I am not mad about it. I just see it getting to him because even he can see he is not that great at caring for others.

I bet the one night he stayed in the hospital had more to do with how he thought others precieved him than concern for me. Now I could see it was very hard for him to see me like I was. I just know that when people asked him why he was not at the hospital with me, he felt like people thought less of him.

It makes it both easier and harder to have him do so much for me. I had to bite my tongue when he was fixing Mem's breakfast. She crawled into bed with me and said she had not had breakfast so I asked her what she wanted and told her to go tell her daddy to make it for her. Well, he tends to put stuff in the microwave for much longer than needed. The girls and I put a honey bun in for 8-12 seconds. He does 30. Then it is too hot for too long then it gets chewy. It took every ounce of restraint to not hollar from my bed how long I thought he should put the microwave on. I want him to learn how to do for the girls when I am not around. Normally when I did not pick up the slack in responsibilities, he would call on his mother (who has a staff infection right now) so he would still be able to avoid it.

He needs to take up more responsibilities adn I need to relinquish conrol and stop babying him. I supposed these next 2 weeks will grow us both.

I do not know what to say about my breast at this point. I have only caught a glimps of them in a mirror and have a minimal view looking down my chest. They seem to be very out to the side and not that much bigger. We will see. I was able to stand on my feet today longer than before without getting weak or dizzy but I can tell I am still pretty weak. And this is weird. I have trouble focusing my eyes and speaking. I tried to read the girls a book last night (requiring both vision and speach) and had to stop after a while. Maybe it is the drugs. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.