Sunday, January 18, 2009

Cartoon Reaction

I finally had my first appointment with a counselor. Bless her heart, she tried not to flip her legal pad and use a second sheet of paper for her 'getting to know me' notes but she had to end up writing very small and she was all up in the margin and every other blank space on that yellow sheet of paper.

My cartoon reaction happened when she mentioned we really needed to face the sexual abuse and assaults I faced in the past. My eyes got wide and just like in a cartoon when a huge anvil gets unexpectedly dropped on the character's foot, my eyes filled half way up with tears and started to spill down my face. I mean at the first MENTION of it. My resolve was left red and throbbing just like the cartoon foot would have been. I was surprised at myself.

Now I am kinda an all or nothing girl so as soon as my counselor shut the door, I dropped all walls and opened the vault. I am just not interested in playing games and totally believe in just ripping the band-aid off. It may hurt like a bitch but at least it is off quick. I am aware my situation is a bit more than a band-aid, more like a limb reattached with staples but whatever. Fear has never been something to hold me down.

I tried to get back to my unhealthy hatred for my mother and my counselor mentioned my reactions may be based on how the traumas changed me. So I am game for diving into that hell and know I will come out victorious. I even think I can take down a few demons along the way. God knows, I am pissed off enough.

Funny thing, my girl asked me if I had trouble making friends or in other relationships in my life. I told her I get along great with most people. I am actually very social and very much an extrovert. As long as people do not try to harm me, I am cool. It is when I feel threatened that I kinda go psycho. If I feel cornered, that is the only time for concern. But maybe that will all change. And who knows, maybe it will be band-aid quick. That's what I'm talkin bout.


katdish said...

I hate when people say they're gonna pray for you and then they don't. So I just said a prayer for you and would like to encourage you to work through the various layers of pain as you're ready to deal with it -- or rip it off all at one time if you're up to it. Funny, it wasn't until I had kids of my own until I realized that my mom wasn't some kind of self-less superhuman who only thought of her kids. I have a good relationship with my mom, and I'm not having to deal with the issues you face, but now I see that she is just as flawed as I am. I'm pulling for you!

Stacy from Louisville said...

I look forward to reading about your journey. It's awesome that you're diving in. Being a patsy solves nothing. And you ain't no patsy!

I Whisper to God said...

Bless you heart. You are much braver than I. I'll be praying for you and following.