Saturday, January 31, 2009

The twins are a year old and why I should not tell everyone

I had my 2nd appointment in counselling and it was scary. I am not sure what we were talking about...maybe what kind of goals I had set or what I wanted to change and my girl asked if I wanted to stop being confrontational and aggressive. I was all 'hellllll nooo!'. Why would I want to stop that? She asked why and I spent quite a few minutes detailing why it was not a problem and how it was a good thing and people needed to get over themselves and I hated tiptoeing around sensitive people and I was doing them a favor and she dropped the WWJD bracelet into my lap.

She wanted to know if when I read the gospels, did I remember it saying anything about Jesus getting His point across like I did. SHIT. And I realized I never even told her how I use shock value all the time. I say stuff to shock the crap outta people and then am all, well you get what you get if you are my friend so don't throw a fit.

We talked about how I may be using such a tough exterior as a defence mechanism to protect myself from being hurt. If I confront first on my terms with all my ammo stocked up, not only do I feel in more control but it is easier to fight a fight I start.

So now, for like the first time I am feeling all convicted about stuff I never had a problem with before. Not only that, I can deal with that; just do not go around telling everyone the twins are now one (referring to my breast aug. that was one year ago on Jan 30th) because that is not proper, not only conviction but fear. I do not face fear often. It is either anger or aggression or extreme sarcasm laced with inappropriate humor. But almost never fear.

When I tell you the thought of dropping my aggression and confrontation sends terror through the depths of my soul I mean it is tangible. It is cold and slimy and dank and nauseating to me. I suppose that indicates a problem that may not be healthy for me. And as surprising as this sounds, I had no clue until sitting in that office next to a box of tissues.

It is not even just the fear of how to protect myself with out those things; it is who AM I without those things? I watch What Not to Wear and never understood how upset the people on the show would get about having to make changes, even though the changes were all for the better, for their good, and at the expense of others. To me it made more sense to change and I saw no reason for them to say the clothes and stuff they had to get rid of (hair, make up, whatever) defined who they were and they were afraid the new stuff would not. Well. I get it now. I not only feel safe behind confrontation but I feel it is who I am and without it, part of my identity will be lost.

I am slightly amused at how blind I was to what confrontation and aggression were to me. And while it is scary, I am willing to drop it if I can. I just hope I do not pick up something else that is worthless to keep me safe. Jesus is my Rock and my Shield. He is my Fortress and Strong tower. The Lord is my Protector and my Refuge. He is enough. Thats what Im talkin about.


bub said...

I don't know Daphne, the Jesus that I'm reading about seems to be a pretty confrontational, aggressive dude. Calling people hypocrites and broods of vipers don't quite come across as genteel. What about him withering a fig tree? What about cleansing the temple? What about constantly challenging the Pharisees? Exorcising demons? Again, exorcising demons! c'mon!

Of course, I don't think that Jesus used this as a defense mechanism. He was just going about his business. I guess it matters where our hearts are when we are being like that. Some people NEED to be told what time it is. I just don't want "That's what I'm talking bout baby!" to become "that's what I'm talking about, maybe?" Jus' saying...

HappyFLMom said...

LOL - I love Bub's comment!!

I need to see your shrink. I have the same aggression problems as you, I think. Maybe if I saw her my site would go from Candid Chatter to It Doesn't Matter. LOL!!

Proud of you for the insightful introspection. There, those are my big girl words of the day.


daphne said...

I hear ya, Bub. I do. But I aint casting out no demons. When someone pisses me off or curses me or falls into that enemy catagory for me, I want to murder death kill them and then I want to cut down a forrest of trees and have them thrown into hell so it is seven times hotter than it was and I want my 'enemies' to have a view of me from hell as I chill in my mansion, or van down by the river, in heaven. I think my passion and confrontation would be good if I had the love to go with it. I lack Love often because it was shown to me in such skewed ways. Right now, I am kind of a gong. I am hoping to learn about how God loves me so I can learn how to love others. Then those demons better watch the fuck out cuz it aint gonna be pretty for them.