I need to say it. He needs to not hear it. I tell ya what. Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerich has truely been an asset in my marriage and my life. There is a hurt I have experienced by Kenneth that I do not think I have ever really let go off. After reading some of this book and hearing some of the teachings from it, I believe it is because Kenneth reacted to the situation in his own personal shade of blue and I reacted in my personal shade of pink. Even another pink or blue may not understand because the shades were so personal. It is possible we may never be able to resolve the issue because we truely can not be a color we were not created to be.
I feel I need to express my pink but I feel it may cause more damage because it will be heard through blue causing the Crazy Cycle to spin out of control. I do not want that. So I come here. Kenneth has never had an interest in taking in more of my words. I already overload him on my words in our daily lives. So I write to him in confidence that he will not read it because he does not want to.
I need to say some things about the wreck I got into in October of 2004. The one I was ticketed for. I feel I was not the cause of that accident. I was at fault but was not the cause. I feel you think I was the cause and I could have avoided it. I believe there was not a thing I could have done differently other than not go to work that would have enabled me to avoid that accident. I accept that legally I was at fault. My ticket was for following too close. While I may not have had the legal amount of space between me and the vehicle in front of me, I know I was not driving unsafe as a general rule. I was not speeding. I was not tailgateing. I was not distracted. I feel I was simply at the wrong place at the wrong time. When you blame me for the accident and insist I 'take responsibility', I feel like you do not have my back. I feel like you are on the opposite side as me. I feel you are siding against me.
When we have talked about it, you point out how frustrated you felt because I was not answering questions and I was confused about what was said to me and you were frustrated because you arive on scene after everything happened and could not get the info you needed. I feel my emotional and physicial wellbeing were not your priority. I felt you were more concerned about what kind of financial and legal burden I was to you at that time. I am not suggesting that is true, but it is how I felt. I was confused for several reasons. I was not talking much for the same reasons. First of all, I was scrapped and bruised AND I actually failed a FST. I remember the police officer saying to you, "either she is drunk or she has severe head trauma and seeing as how she was on her way to church with an infant and a 2 year old, my guess is head trauma". He told you in his opinion I should be taken to a hospital. That seemed to aggravate you and I felt like you could not be burdened with me in that way. I know that was not convienent with the girls and everything. I am not saying I wanted to go to the hospital. I just wanted to feel like you were concerned about me and what I needed more than your inconviences. Also, I was confused because I was being told by the officer that I was in a turning lane. I was not. I was in the center lane but the vehicle that in my opinion caused the accident lied because they were turning left from the center lane. I think they knew it was their fault and tried to lie to get out of trouble. They told the officer we were all in the turning lane when in fact we were all in the center. The 3rd vehicle involved was where the truth came out. They confirmed I was not confused and the first car was lying. I almost feel like you did not even consider that bit of information. You just wanted me to own up and take responsibility and stop trying to put the blame anywhere else. You had to carry the burden and you wanted me to take full blame for that. I was upset that someone else's foolish decission caused my family the burdens we faced. I felt we could have been upset and supported each other in this together but instead I felt ganged up on from every side. Legally I got a ticket, the one car lied about me, you seemed angry with me and I was hurt and alone. Physically I mean.
Emotionally is an entire other issue. From day one with Avery I feel like I have made the girls my priority and put myself beyond last to be the best mother I knew how to be. I have felt critized, condemmed and judged by you for just as long. I feel the thing I am most passionate about is the thing you put down the most. I think you feel I am an unfit mother at times. That shocks me. It appals me. And it hurts me in a way so deep that I have few words to describe. It is like you feel I have failed at the very thing I was created for. I am no good at my purpose for being. My life is a waste because all I was meant to be is not good enough. I had time before I hit the car in front of me to pray and consider the only other option available at the time. I could have swerved into the right lane and got hit from behind. Then I would not have been at fault. BUT. My babies were in the back. I could get hit from behind where they were or take the hit upfront myself. I had time to make that choice. I had time to understand it was my babies or me and to choose me. In fact, I did not really feel it was a choice. It was NOT AN OPTION at all to chance my girls getting hurt. I wanted you to understand that. I needed you to understand and accept that from me. I would live for my family and I would die for my family. Having to make that decision and just being in a serious accident with my babies was an emotional trauma. It was one I hoped to not have to carry alone.
I do not carry my burdens alone. My God and Savior takes the heavy end for me. I want to let go all together and give it all to Him. I hope this opportunity to express my pink will enable me to do just that. All my love. d