Thursday, May 03, 2007


I have been meaning to post for a while. I have even come here a few times and left again. I do not find freedom here much any more.

Anyway, here are my questions:

Is my tithe and offering pleasing to God? I want to give more but I also want to buy things for myself. I would like a yes or no answer.

Should I get breast implants? I look at this question in 2 ways. 1. Life is short, enjoy it as much as possible by doing things you want. 2. Life is short, why bother spending time and money on anything you can not take with you.
Is there a balance to my views and which side do implants fall under?

Something happened yesterday to make me even more unsure of everything. I recently 'met' a new friend. She was close to a lot of my friends and we had gotten pretty real with one another over email. She had breast implant surgery scheduled for May 14th and God had told her to 'jump' into a relationship with a black guy. She wanted to talk to me about what that was like and share with me her concerns about having mixed race children. We emailed back and forth about a few things and she signed off saying she was getting in her car to drive to Destin for a retreat with Roz. I told her that was 2 of my favorite things and we would talk again when she got back. She was coming over Monday to meet face to face. She got in that car and was driving towards her retreat when she lost control of her car and was killed.

I am flattering myself when I say this but I could have been the last person she spoke to before she left. Probably not but still, I talked to her soon before she died. Why did God bother telling her to jump? Why when she prayed did she feel peace about her surgery? Why did she not have her seatbelt on and how did she lose control of her car?

I origionally was going on that retreat. Kenneth told me it was ok and I backed out right before the money was due. I am glad I did not go because Roz made those at retreat face their issues with death and loss. I just want to be angry for a while and eat. I realized I eat when depressed or hurting. To make up for the emotional pain I feel, I try to gain pleasure from eating something delicious. I want to feel good over my bad. I am mad at Gabby because I got emotionally involved with her. I know some of the people who love her and this hurts them. That pisses me off. She gets paridise, we get pain.

I know death is a part of life. I expect death almost daily. I see death a lot. Amy asked if I was numb to death. No. I am not numb. I wish I were. Anger is exhausting.

God spoke to me last night through Isaiah 61:10. It says I am overwhelmed with joy in the Lord my God. For He has dressed me in the clothing of salvation and draped me in a robe of righteousness.

I feel anger. Not joy. I want that s.o.b. (death) to come for me. But I know God's Word is true. So I guess I am overwhelmed with joy. Now if I can keep my self from eating and buying myself stuff to make me feel better while I fake it...

Ya know, with Ned it was easier because I wanted her out of her misery and wanted her loved ones to stop watching her suffer. Gabby is different. Of her I am just jealous.

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