Tuesday, May 15, 2007

7 Books

I do this alot. I decided to make a list of all the books I am reading. There are 7. I never thought of myself as someone who starts but never finishes things. I more think I am an all or nothing person. Guess I am wrong.

The 7 are: Love & Respect
Voyage of the Dawn Treader
With All Their Hearts
Proverbs (that counts, right? A chapter a day plus 31:10-31 daily for me and my friends)
Praying God's Word Day by Day
6 Hours One Friday
and the one I want to talk about today;
Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake.

Under the title on the book it says, "Seeking God's Heart in the midst of infertility, miscarriage and adoption loss". I am only 38 pages in but I find it a wonderful resource and have already recommended it to someone else. It is one of those books that helps you put words to something you have felt for nearly a decade but could not quite figure how to say out loud. It is also a book that will force you to face yourself in the light of God's Truth. That can hurt but in that good cleansing way like a good cry.

I have found myself in a situation where I am judging the parenting abilities of others and am thinking myself the better parent and it is causing me heartache. Perhaps simply from being out of God's will from my sin. Perhaps because I am having to face some truths about myself I have been in denial about for so long I convinced myself I was right and God's Word did not apply to my circumstances.

I take it to deep heart when I feel a child is being mistreated or neglected or even not reconized as the gift they are. While some of my emotions are righteous anger many more are rooted in prideful envy. That is NOT plesant to know. It is NOT easy or fun to say outloud, 'I feel I know better than God', but that is the truth. I want to call Him to account for decisions that make no sense to me from my limited perspective. I want to look at my current circumstances and accuse God of making a mistake when I am only privy to the view of one peice of a 1000 in the puzzle. I feel I am owed something, acknowledgement, reward, payment, a seat at His right Hand or at least an explanation, yet He owes me NOTHING.

God perfectly orchestrates the necessary timing for each new life to fulfill the plans HE ordains. My opinions on who deserves children and how many and who does not are not vaild. I want to understand my being denied the gift of a child can work the same purpose as the woman who faces the trial of a child. What hurts me not to have may hurt her to have and both can be used to fulfill His purpose and plan. In both, heartache must come first.

I want to trust my Savior and His Word. I want to relinquish the desire for control in not only my children's lives but in others lives as well. I just need my heartache to result in God's Glory. That is what I'm talking about, Baby.

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