It has been a while since I faced the victomization I experienced in my past. I pretend it does not define me but last night my friends gave me a wake up call that it does. I like control. I mean the responsibility and lack of freedom that binds me is not fun but I feel I need it. I like even numbers and multiples of 5 and revealed that even though the most comfortable temp for my house to be is 77 degrees, I can not keep it on 77. It has to be 76 (too cold) or 78 (too hot). An even number or a multiple of 5.
I also get angry at my husband for spending the majority of his time in 'his chair' in front of his computer in our bedroom and not interacting with me often. Often I want to discuss something that I feel will affect us and all he says is 'I dont care', and even gets mad. I thought because I was disturbing him and he did not want to be bothered with 'us' (me and the girls and our issues).
My friends pointed out that if he is nonconfrontational and avoids conflict then dealing with me on any level may be difficult. It reminded me of the question I so often got asked as a child, "why dont you ever come out of your room? Why do you isolate yourself in there so often?". To me it was a no brainer. Why would I come out when every time I did I got critized and put down and all my wrongs were pointed out? It was safer to stay in my room and get lost in a book or occassionally music. I realized last night in horror, it may be the same for my husband.
That hurt. I mean, he has issues. Big fat ones. But I was not seeing so many of mine and was totally falling for the lie that I was done with certain parts of my past. I do not want to be vulnerable to my husband or anyone, ever, including God. That can not be good or fun. And how can I grow as a person when I am in such a bondage.
I want another tattoo. On my foot I believe. I just need to figure out what I want to say. I do not know what I want to say! I say so much so often but last night's discussion showed me it is all defence. I do not even have an offence. I spend so much of my time fighting and ensuring I have some control that I stay in the defencive mode most of the time.
I want to learn how to be vulnerable. I think. Maybe.