I became a Christian while pregnant with the daughter that will turn 9 next month. I was about 25 I guess. Those 25 years before were chock a block full of some dirty, nasty, freaky sin. I even went through a phase where I purposely tried to rebel & sin against God. So when I became a Christian I had to accept some heavy grace. I had to set my mind on the Truth that Jesus loves me despite what I have done and He has made me so fresh and so clean and now I am a new person all together. No matter what happens, I will never deny that Christ loved me enough to take on every one of my sins and pay the full price for them until death. I have that Truth in a death grip that whitens my spiritual knuckles because I need that to survive.
Because I can hold on to that Truth, I find it easy to tell people who are battling guilt that there is no condemnation for those of us in Christ. I figure, He can forgive me, He can forgive you and us wallowing in that muck will do nothing but keep us from doing His will. Looking back keeps us from moving forward so leave that shit behind and let's GO!
So why am I now camped out in condemnation? The title of this post links to some pics of the aftermath of Ike. Galveston Island is where my love and I 'honeymooned' back in '99. I was pregnant with the oldest (NOT the first, we married between the 2).
There is a couple at our church campus my love and I like and they just got power back this weekend. Almost 2 effing weeks without power!!! There are people around here (my neighbor included-posted a pic of his house in an earlier post) that sustained serious damage! Our insurance company finally made it out yesterday and chances are, our damage costs will not exceed our deductible which means out of pocket because it is so minor. Then I look at what Ike did to Galveston and I want to cry.
I want to cry and I am so pissed I was such a baby about my 5 or 6 days without power! I think Katrina and Rita was easier for me because of how much my family sacrificed. We moved 10 people in from Katrina and 3 more for Rita, most of which were here almost 3 months. My girls were 1, 3 & 5 and we gave up their bedrooms and all 5 of us stayed in my room. It was hard. I also was able to reach out to other families affected and even offered childcare, friendship and practical support to some strangers that evacuated here and knew no one. I loved on people at church and prayed for people. Basically I did some works that alleviated my guilt for not losing anything other that some privacy at home.
I do recognize my reaction to our loss of power and water was probably so strong because I felt so out of control. I am really starting to see how much I try and control and how directly related my emotional well being is connected to it. I think I need to go back and face a little more of the abuse I experienced and maybe I can learn to trust God a little more. I want to learn how to let Him be in control and let go of it myself.
Can I just say I totally do not get that whole 'let go and let God' saying. What the hell does that mean? How in the world do I do that? When people say that I just get angry because I can not process that. Show me. Tell me in a step by step process. Lay it at the cross. That's another one. The hell? What?!? I do not GET THAT! Where is the translation for people like me? Seriously. You may as well tell me it smells like the color nine.
So if you read this, please pray for those affected by Gustav and Ike. And pray for me to let go and let God. That's what Im talkin bout.