Monday, September 15, 2008

Romans 8:1

I became a Christian while pregnant with the daughter that will turn 9 next month. I was about 25 I guess. Those 25 years before were chock a block full of some dirty, nasty, freaky sin. I even went through a phase where I purposely tried to rebel & sin against God. So when I became a Christian I had to accept some heavy grace. I had to set my mind on the Truth that Jesus loves me despite what I have done and He has made me so fresh and so clean and now I am a new person all together. No matter what happens, I will never deny that Christ loved me enough to take on every one of my sins and pay the full price for them until death. I have that Truth in a death grip that whitens my spiritual knuckles because I need that to survive.

Because I can hold on to that Truth, I find it easy to tell people who are battling guilt that there is no condemnation for those of us in Christ. I figure, He can forgive me, He can forgive you and us wallowing in that muck will do nothing but keep us from doing His will. Looking back keeps us from moving forward so leave that shit behind and let's GO!

So why am I now camped out in condemnation? The title of this post links to some pics of the aftermath of Ike. Galveston Island is where my love and I 'honeymooned' back in '99. I was pregnant with the oldest (NOT the first, we married between the 2).

There is a couple at our church campus my love and I like and they just got power back this weekend. Almost 2 effing weeks without power!!! There are people around here (my neighbor included-posted a pic of his house in an earlier post) that sustained serious damage! Our insurance company finally made it out yesterday and chances are, our damage costs will not exceed our deductible which means out of pocket because it is so minor. Then I look at what Ike did to Galveston and I want to cry.

I want to cry and I am so pissed I was such a baby about my 5 or 6 days without power! I think Katrina and Rita was easier for me because of how much my family sacrificed. We moved 10 people in from Katrina and 3 more for Rita, most of which were here almost 3 months. My girls were 1, 3 & 5 and we gave up their bedrooms and all 5 of us stayed in my room. It was hard. I also was able to reach out to other families affected and even offered childcare, friendship and practical support to some strangers that evacuated here and knew no one. I loved on people at church and prayed for people. Basically I did some works that alleviated my guilt for not losing anything other that some privacy at home.

I do recognize my reaction to our loss of power and water was probably so strong because I felt so out of control. I am really starting to see how much I try and control and how directly related my emotional well being is connected to it. I think I need to go back and face a little more of the abuse I experienced and maybe I can learn to trust God a little more. I want to learn how to let Him be in control and let go of it myself.

Can I just say I totally do not get that whole 'let go and let God' saying. What the hell does that mean? How in the world do I do that? When people say that I just get angry because I can not process that. Show me. Tell me in a step by step process. Lay it at the cross. That's another one. The hell? What?!? I do not GET THAT! Where is the translation for people like me? Seriously. You may as well tell me it smells like the color nine.

So if you read this, please pray for those affected by Gustav and Ike. And pray for me to let go and let God. That's what Im talkin bout.

4 comments:

daphne said...

It is as if God has a Google page of sorts and when I typed in 'what the hell is wrong with me?' I got tons of info that helped me big time. Time spent with God = it is well with my soul

bub said...

OK, you're my buddy so I'll give it a shot. I like "laying it at the cross." I haven't heard that one. But going to AA and NA since I was a wee teen I know about letting go and letting God. I know about struggling with that particular phrase also.

The problem that I have, much like you are talking about, is that I have the need to control everything around me. People, places and things. The thing is, I actually believe that I CAN do it. As much as I hate to admit it, that's not the truth. Someone once told me to go out into the ocean and try to "control" the waves. He said that's how much control you have over things that are thrown at you in this life.

So how do I let go and let God? First thing, realize I ain't Him. I have no idea why things happen the way they do and it's really none of my business, as hard as that is to accept. That's #2 I think. Acceptance. Really believing that God has a handle on things way better than I could ever hope to. Believing down to my bones. How did I get to that point? Getting my ass whipped by the many "hurricanes" that have blown through my life and still coming out of it a little disheveled but OK. The last part is "allowing" God to do what's needed to be done, and accepting them for what they are.

Practical example. This is going to hurt a little. My oldest daughter was molested by her step father. Not once. Twice. Once when she was 7 or 8. The dude got "help", the ex took him back, and he did it again. This time when she was 11 or 12. It's painful just typing this. I had to live with this guilt and shame and anger that I wasn't there to save my own kid from something as hateful and horrible as that. How in the world do you get past that? When I finally let God have it. Here it is God. I don't understand. I never will. Take this from me. I asked Him over and over. I prayed for the creep. I prayed for my daughter. This was even before I found Christ and was just going to NA. Finally, he took it from me. I just had to be finally willing to give it up to him.

That sure is a long, yucky explanation. Maybe I needed to get that out more than you needed to hear it I suspect, lol. I'm constantly having to remind myself that I have little or no control of people, places and things. My serenity is directly proportional to my acceptance. Anyway, I hope someone can give you a better explanation than that. Sorry to hog the comments. Oh, and P.S. Getting out of yourself and helping others, like you did when Katrina and Rita hit, always makes us feel better. I think it's amazing how God works things...

daphne said...

Dude. I know you are a Christian since you didnt kill anybody. You didnt kill anybody did ya?

No, I get what you are saying.
I could not put my thermastat on an even number or multiple of 5.
I also could not control how my body felt. I could not stop the sweating or feel cooler and not being in control of my body is tough for me because of the past abuse I experiences. I am so so sorry your daughter was abused. That fucking sucks and I pray God's justice and healing for all involved.

I even realized why I want more tattoos. It is because I get to control what is done to my body. It must be why I like the ones I have to be seen. To show I choose how my body would be decorated, ya know? A visual of my control.

Your explanation may have been yuck, but I get it. Thanks, man. Grace & Peace to you. d

HappyFLMom said...

So you like Chris Rice too (smell the color 9). :) Me too!!

Anyway...

The only way I can explain it is that you have to let it go. Whenever a thought -- even a slight one -- comes to your mind you have to pray right then and there and declare in your heart "nope, this ain't for me, this is God's and I'm not touchin it for another second". Then you don't wallow in it. You walk away. You distract yourself. You REFUSE to accept any control, responsibility, or concern in the matter. Talk about being stubborn -- here is your chance. Stubbornly REFUSE to take the burden.

The most recent for me was in the waiting period knowing that something could be wrong with my unborn baby. Before that it was the overwhelming grief due to my miscarriage.

You have a right to feel things. But when you "let go and let God" or "leave it at the feet of Jesus" or whatever Christian slang you want to throw up there, then you do just that. If you're a visual (I am) person, think of it this way. You have a balloon. Your balloon is your problem. It is filled with helium. You are in the middle of a field. If you hang onto that balloon you are responsible for everything associated with it. If you let it go, it becomes God's property.

Let go. Walk away. Fear not.

XOXO,
Heidi

PS: Bub -- I am so sorry your daughter and family has gone through that. I am stunned silent and very angry. I'll be praying. XO to you too!!