Wednesday, December 17, 2008

The Way Things Are

I believe a good indicator of the future can be the past. Factor God in and anything can happen. I am not so cynical to believe things will never change. But I am a realist.

Right now because of a loophole, we are fighting to prove we own the home we live in. I told my love while I do believe we will get through this, something else will come up as long as my mother is alive. I believe this about sums up the Christian's life too. It must suck to not be a believer in Christ and hear that if you decide to become a Christian, things may not get better. I can say there is a difference to my trials and hardships now than there used to be. I can find hope and joy among the difficult things I face. I can find peace in knowing I am loved with a Love nothing can ever destroy. I find comfort in the fact that one day my life on earth will end and I will enter paradise.

But man, I am wasted. Just when I was getting over the holidays being traumatic, I am back to the way things are. I was talking to my mother-in-law about what is happening to us and she says she can not wrap her mind around it all. I told her I could because it is just my life. It is what I have known and what I am used to.

I tell you the difference this time; compared to 10 years ago, or even 5, the rage boils internally but Christ gives me a sliver of self control so I do not have to heap guilt and condemnation on my brokenness. The blackness of rage feels so sick as it swirls around a home Christ dwells in. It is so hard to walk into a church service, or talk to the Pastor's wife or do all the other cute little things Christians do and not let the darkness show through. Then there is the idle conversations with her about traffic and whatnot after she just said she was going back on her word and she owns everything I thought to be mine. To be honest, it is all fucking exhausting.

It matters not if we are right or wrong. It matters not what we suffer or what our children are put through. It matters not what is true or just. There is a price to pay when you sue your mother to keep your home. Especially if it leaves her with nothing in the process. On the outside, people will look at me different and on the inside, because I have daughters of my own, what it does to the inside is vile.

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