Sunday, November 30, 2008

Backsliding

Since I wrote last, I have hit a wall so hard and so high I can hardly breathe from the impact. It was almost exactly 5 years ago that I found myself in this very similar situation and it hurts so bad to be back I wish for the sweet release of death. No I am not suicidal. My heart is just turning to stone. Blackness is covering my soul and my being is so filled with rage and hate that I can. not. see. straight.

My mother was always very clear that she loved me but she was also very clear that she despised all that I was. I do not know what it feels like to be mothered, to be safe, to feel cared for, to not be a burden and a disappointment. My mother in law showed me to an extent. It was way cool. But she has a granddaughter that she has raised off and on that will always have priority over me. I do not hold that against anybody. It is what it is.

My mother does not even live next door yet but her poison and venom towards me has me so sin sick I feel like I would rather eternal damnation and forever separation from a God I have loved for the past 10 years over doing His Word.

I continue to read The Word and feel the powerful Truth bouncing off of me and leaving me prayerless as I realize I am not willing to Love Him enough to do what it asks of me. I can not love my enemy. I can not pray for those who curse me. I can not bless those who hurt me. I can not turn the other cheek or forgive 70 times 7.

I understand I do not deserve to be hurt like I have but how can I say I love God and believe in the Cross when I use free will to refuse It's Power? I have heard stories and testimonies of others who have been abused much more than me and they overcame the power of sin and death in their lives. Even if they still fight it, they do not consider eternity in hell as an option over forgiveness and love.

If I were only fighting my feelings this would not be so hard. I believe God's Truth trumps my feelings and emotions. It is my actions that are the problem. I chose to say vile hateful things to the woman who gave birth to me and have no remorse for it later. I even want to do it again and hurt her more. I want her to suffer and feel pain that came from me. 10 years of trying to follow my Lord and this is where I am. Hopeless, heartless and hurting. Unable or unwilling to prove my love to my Jesus by obeying Him. Where the hell am I supposed to go from here? Where the hell. Exactly.

7 comments:

HappyFLMom said...

Daphne: I have no profound advice. What I can offer you is a reminder that you are not perfect. Give yourself a break. Pray for God to HELP YOU with your prayerlessness, hatred, unforgiveness, hurt, pain, random acts of insanity. I remember a story in the Bible of a man who wanted to believe but asked Jesus to "help me with my disbelief". God honors honesty. Be honest (as you have been) and try to wait on Him to lead you. The things you are feeling towards your mom are normal emotions. There isn't anything wrong with you. You aren't backsliding. The very fact that you posted this proves that you're struggling. Not that you've lost your faith. We all go thru stuff that makes us feel less than worthy. Trust me, you're worthy. Every "stripe" he endured, every drop of blood he poured out, every single beating he felt, everything proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are worth it to Him. Everything else pales in comparison.

I'll pray for you in the meantime. Hang in there. You are doing the right thing by seeking Him and help.

Heidi

Brenda said...

Right now in my life, there is a certain issue that I'm struggling with. I know what God wants me to do about it, but I'm not yet completely willing to do it because it's extremely difficult and sometimes seems impossible. It's like that verse, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Of course my situation is completely different than yours. I cannot begin to know what you are feeling and going through. But I agree with what Heidi said as far as you are struggling to obey God not rejecting Him and your faith. I don't have any profound advice either, only encouragement. God knows your situation, your heart and your mind more than anyone else can. He is your rock, your strength, your healer, the lifter of your head, your forgiver, and the lover of your soul. Please don't give up seeking Him. Even if everyone else in this world lets you down and fails you... He never will. I'm praying for you Daphne.

FeatherIron said...

There have been times where all I could say was "help" in a very small defeated voice, but He heard, He hears and He did and will continue to answer the cry for help. Just ask, take the gift by the second and if five minutes later you have to cry "help" again, do it, He never grows tired of us because His love is endless.

Call me if you need anything 225-439-7327

Badger said...

Remember that God is still the same great God He was last week...and He is bigger than any storm you will ever walk through. Remember not to limit Him. He still has power you cannot fathom, and though you may not know how to ask, and you may not know what you need, the Spirit intercedes for you as long as you have faith of a mustard seed. Mustard seed magic, baby!

Love you,
A

HappyFLMom said...

Just came by to let you know I've been praying for you. I hope today is better.

Hugs,
Heidi

bub said...

I was at a friend's blog today and she asked if there were any blogs that move them to cry and I mentioned yours. More than a couple of times. You state your humaness so profoundly it touches me deeply. I'm praying for ya Daphne. I don't have a clue what God does when we rebel against what He wants from us. I would imagine that He pulls us even closer to Him and loves on us even more. Remember, He is the One that left 99 other sheep to find His lost one. We are all lost sheep at some point, even after we have given our lives to Him. If our actions took us away from God forever we would all be screwed. Remember, His blood, His sacrifice covers all!!! Even when we can't help ourselves from acting like asses. God works in His time not our time. When He is ready to heal you of your anger towards her, he will. Just don't kill her. That's a type A sin and who knows what the hell will happen then! Again, sending all of my prayers to you Daphne to help you get through this.

I Whisper to God said...

Daphne,
Hi my name is Lorna. I'm the friend that Bub recommended your blog to. I've actually been here before and read a few of your blogs through Bub's link, but today I am going to add you to the blogs I follow.

I have the same hateful relationship struggle and feelings that you do towards my Dad and some not so hateful but struggling feelings toward my mom. God has been working with me on this for a couple of years now. My father is a homeless alcoholic who is the biggest ass I have ever known, so selfish and self centered that he would rather lose it all to continue to drink whiskey on the streets than change. My mom and dad have been divorced since I was four and I actually thank God for that everyday even though I was sexually milested by my stepfather. And that's where I struggle with my Mother. Because I told her what was happening to me and it fell on deaf ears and I at eight years old had to find a way to stop the abuse. which I did, I think with God's help.

When I look back I can clearly see where God placed and put people in my life to help me through. He knew what I needed and he took care of me needs in spite of my free will.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that your feelings and anger are normal. But don't give up on God because he will NEVER give up on you.

Lorna