Since I wrote last, I have hit a wall so hard and so high I can hardly breathe from the impact. It was almost exactly 5 years ago that I found myself in this very similar situation and it hurts so bad to be back I wish for the sweet release of death. No I am not suicidal. My heart is just turning to stone. Blackness is covering my soul and my being is so filled with rage and hate that I can. not. see. straight.
My mother was always very clear that she loved me but she was also very clear that she despised all that I was. I do not know what it feels like to be mothered, to be safe, to feel cared for, to not be a burden and a disappointment. My mother in law showed me to an extent. It was way cool. But she has a granddaughter that she has raised off and on that will always have priority over me. I do not hold that against anybody. It is what it is.
My mother does not even live next door yet but her poison and venom towards me has me so sin sick I feel like I would rather eternal damnation and forever separation from a God I have loved for the past 10 years over doing His Word.
I continue to read The Word and feel the powerful Truth bouncing off of me and leaving me prayerless as I realize I am not willing to Love Him enough to do what it asks of me. I can not love my enemy. I can not pray for those who curse me. I can not bless those who hurt me. I can not turn the other cheek or forgive 70 times 7.
I understand I do not deserve to be hurt like I have but how can I say I love God and believe in the Cross when I use free will to refuse It's Power? I have heard stories and testimonies of others who have been abused much more than me and they overcame the power of sin and death in their lives. Even if they still fight it, they do not consider eternity in hell as an option over forgiveness and love.
If I were only fighting my feelings this would not be so hard. I believe God's Truth trumps my feelings and emotions. It is my actions that are the problem. I chose to say vile hateful things to the woman who gave birth to me and have no remorse for it later. I even want to do it again and hurt her more. I want her to suffer and feel pain that came from me. 10 years of trying to follow my Lord and this is where I am. Hopeless, heartless and hurting. Unable or unwilling to prove my love to my Jesus by obeying Him. Where the hell am I supposed to go from here? Where the hell. Exactly.