Thursday, May 08, 2008

Not another Prophet in an Armoni Suit

I have been hungry for God. It has been easier to choose Him over the world. I have been reading Rick Joyner's Final Quest series. I am on book 2, The Call and while still in the 1st chapter I have like 3 pages of notes. I have also been watching Todd Bentley as often as I can but not often enough. I mean to get stuff done but I just want to sit and watch or pray or worship. Title of this blog will link you to Todd's site.

I feel spread as thin as always and I am getting frustrated I can not give more time to God. I need more time with Him. Reading about visions and prophecy and watching revival and healings I need to know the Holy Spirit better so I can know what to do. I have always been one of those people that believes things are not going to get better, but worse. Maybe begining my bible studies with Revelation or maybe just my realistic, cynical outlook will not let me 'hope for a better future'/hearts and squiggles. I believe things will continue to get worse until Jesus comes back. I want that to be soon but seeing all these signs of the times that show the end is near has me nervous.

I am back to loving my new breast and I would love a tummy tuck and a little lipo and I want to be in shape and lose weight but FOR WHAT?!? To either die or be raptured?!? Something I got from reading the Call was looking at myself and all my faults is PRIDE and will keep me from God. I have been asking for more judgement and conviction *yikes* and I found that looking at myself will bring confussion and make it harder to hear the Holy Spirit. I can not abide in His presence and be self-conscious or self-absorbed. It makes sense, how can we hear from God when looking at our own inadequacies and unworthiness? We will never be worthy or adequate. That is why we need Him! We can never make ourselves into what we should be and it is Pride to try and focus there. ALl I can do is trust God to use me despite myself. The Call puts it quite simpily. Our call is to abide in the Holy Spirit and let God use us. In His Presence is where we will see Glory.

I can see in my limited understanding why Romans 8:1 is in the bible. When we are in condemnation for our sins and focus our our unworthiness, we are not looking to Jesus. I tend to struggle with not being repentant enough for my sins and chalk it up to being human then go into condemnation for NOT being in condemnation and just a bunch of stupid crap that is not SEEKING HIS FACE. Eph. 4:3 NLT says Always keep yourselves united in the Holy Spirit and bind yourselves together with peace. That's what Im talkin bout Jesus!

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