I have been wanting to write about the emotional turmoil I have been experiencing but honestly, I could not put into words what was wrong with me. Basicly I faced some situations that resurfaced my past and kinda freaked and thought I wanted my implants out.
First, a few set ups. Recently I came face to face with a guy I 'dated' for lack of a better term. I have been raped twice and as weird as this sounds, neither time was that tramatic. Well, the one in Korea was violent but kinda anti-climactic, no pun intended. This guy would threated to kill himself if I broke up with him and his mom would call me from the hospital and beg me to be his girlfriend. I was 13 and did not know how to get out. After the date rape, he found out, told me he was supposed to be my first and insisted I give it up to him too. Like that. We now attend the same church service every week.
Then I shared my testimony with the bible study group so my past was just brought up again and I was forced to revisit places I do not often go. That was not so tough but I think maybe using so much ugliness for God's glory may have needled the devil some, savvy? Then, my trip to Chicago.
Hmm. Ok, let's see. To sum up that trip I would say lesbians and liquor. My cousin lost her lover of 34 years and her best friends are in her wine club. So, yeah, I got drunk and talked about ex-girlfriends. Faced a little condemnation from that.
So in light of that, I realized, well, not at the time, I could not put it into words until now and at this point I am over it but I digress. I realized my new breast size was causing me some uncomfortableness. First of all, padded bras conceal nipples. Now, in regular bras they just scream at everybody all the time. Plus, being a D they are just out there. I like the way they look but feel like that is wrong. I am not wearing anything revealing but unless I am in something very baggy I just feel I am doing something wrong. I realized I was confusing how I used to be with who I am now. Maybe I used to use my body in a perverted way but my heart is pure now. It is harder to not be sexy but just because I have larger breast does not mean I am going to use them for evil. That souns funny. Like ATTACK OF THE KILLER BREAST!!! Run for your lives! Do not look directly at them or the nipples will poke your eyes out!! ; )
Ok, so how did I get over all the lies? With the Truth. Psalm 33:15 was part of my daily reading and it says He made my heart so He understands everything I do. I felt like a huge weight was lifted off me when I read that. It should not be such a struggle to not look like the world, especially when I do not look like the church either. So I will just believe the Word of God for what it is; TRUTH. I am going get a tattoo. That's what IM talkin bout baby.