Ladies and Gentlemen, CASTING CROWNS

Once again, a song by my boys Casting Crowns ministered God's love to me. I never really got this song until I just lived it out.

"East To West"
Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me
Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other

Attack of the Killer Breast

I have been wanting to write about the emotional turmoil I have been experiencing but honestly, I could not put into words what was wrong with me. Basicly I faced some situations that resurfaced my past and kinda freaked and thought I wanted my implants out.

First, a few set ups. Recently I came face to face with a guy I 'dated' for lack of a better term. I have been raped twice and as weird as this sounds, neither time was that tramatic. Well, the one in Korea was violent but kinda anti-climactic, no pun intended. This guy would threated to kill himself if I broke up with him and his mom would call me from the hospital and beg me to be his girlfriend. I was 13 and did not know how to get out. After the date rape, he found out, told me he was supposed to be my first and insisted I give it up to him too. Like that. We now attend the same church service every week.

Then I shared my testimony with the bible study group so my past was just brought up again and I was forced to revisit places I do not often go. That was not so tough but I think maybe using so much ugliness for God's glory may have needled the devil some, savvy? Then, my trip to Chicago.

Hmm. Ok, let's see. To sum up that trip I would say lesbians and liquor. My cousin lost her lover of 34 years and her best friends are in her wine club. So, yeah, I got drunk and talked about ex-girlfriends. Faced a little condemnation from that.

So in light of that, I realized, well, not at the time, I could not put it into words until now and at this point I am over it but I digress. I realized my new breast size was causing me some uncomfortableness. First of all, padded bras conceal nipples. Now, in regular bras they just scream at everybody all the time. Plus, being a D they are just out there. I like the way they look but feel like that is wrong. I am not wearing anything revealing but unless I am in something very baggy I just feel I am doing something wrong. I realized I was confusing how I used to be with who I am now. Maybe I used to use my body in a perverted way but my heart is pure now. It is harder to not be sexy but just because I have larger breast does not mean I am going to use them for evil. That souns funny. Like ATTACK OF THE KILLER BREAST!!! Run for your lives! Do not look directly at them or the nipples will poke your eyes out!! ; )

Ok, so how did I get over all the lies? With the Truth. Psalm 33:15 was part of my daily reading and it says He made my heart so He understands everything I do. I felt like a huge weight was lifted off me when I read that. It should not be such a struggle to not look like the world, especially when I do not look like the church either. So I will just believe the Word of God for what it is; TRUTH. I am going get a tattoo. That's what IM talkin bout baby.