Sunday, March 09, 2008

Up and Down

I suppose it is normal. I cried all morning. One minute I feel strong and like I can handle everything and the next I seem to have lost all faith. One minute I have the right perspective, the next it is so very lost and I just want to have the biggest pity party. I understand the lack of truth, but I actually compaired this to losing Rya. Let me elaborate. I am the only one of my group of friends (which is large) that has lost a baby to stillbirth. Now, of allll the people we know who have implants, I am the one who winds up needing a re-do.

Then there is the issue of Kenneth and his inability to be healthy when I need care. As soon as I could hold my own, he stepped back with what little he managed. Again, easy to slip into the whole pity party. Poor me, not enough help, too much work, blah, blah, blah.

I know it will all be fine. I just gotta get through it. And this is a little funny but I kinda have to tell lots of people I have to have another surgery and I am so mad it is the aug! I do NOT want to tell just anybody about that part of it. It was easy to leave that part out with alll the other stuff I had done now the only thing that is being spotlighted is my breast. I hated wearing the medical bra because it seemed so obvious and I felt it drew attention to my breast. Now I will have drains and have more to wear than before (medical bra plus an additional band). I will not be able to do as much physically and I fear my lack of mobility will be a tale tell sign.

I must still have more guilt issues otherwise I would not worry as much about secrecy. Then again, I believe it is normal to not want to discuss a boob job with my Paw Paw who is in his late 80's. I dunno. I know in the back of my mind I still question whether I deserve to spend this kind of money on myself and it is a sort of taboo topic, especially in a Christian world. I mean it is kinda crazy how the times can complicate biblical standards. Today a breast augmentation is compaired to make up or hair high lights or even home improvements. Then again, there is the whole 'why change what God made' side. I have to be sure of myself and the choices I make. I do not want to be up and down. I need a steady foundation. I have One. I just need more time with Him. That's what I'm talkin about.

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