He will never leave me

Hebrews 14:5 reminds me that God will never leave me or forsake. Recently in a bible study lesson, I prayed for God to show me how to practice His Presence with me and to just be aware of Him more. With that in mind the girls and I decided very last minute to head on over to Lake Charles for a short visit with my sister. The drive was not bad and I had just called my sister to tell her we were almost to LC and confirm the exit I was to take. There was a bit of construstion and the 2 little girls had just woken up and I was just being silly with them and suddenly traffic went down to one narrow lane and came down to a slow crawl. I slammed on my breaks but not soon enough to avoid hitting the car in front of me. I was forced to pull off onto the exit ramp. I stopped the van and collected myself and reconized I had just avoided an accident and God was there. I was even able to back up a little and get back onto the interstate.

Honestly I did not think I was following too close or speeding but I was thankful to have avoided an accident for sure. I got back on I10 and got right into Lake Charles when the road seemed to get really rough. The girls were all hollering about how bumpy things were when my stomach got all knotted up and someone pulled up on side of me and yelled 'you have a flat tire'. I was on an over pass and had to drive a little further to have somewhere to pull over but I was still kinda in the road. I called my sister who was checking out at Wal Mart and she said she was going to find her husband-who had just gotten off work-and head my way. I called Kenneth to see if I could call AAA but he said I had Kia roadside assistance. I called them but my phone was in the red and I had been on it talking with the woman for 20 minutes about vin numbers and milage and policy and it was getting very hard to not get agravated with her. She wanted to update my info and kept asking me the color of the vehicle and FINALLY we got to my location. Well, I was not sure of my location. Not only was I out of town in an area I was unfamiliar with, I just happen to be no where NEAR any readable sign at. all.

So, Rachel beeps in and I answer hoping she can tell me where I am. She needs to know herself so they can find me. She and Josh are on their way and I am thinking it is going to be impossible for Josh to change my tire with the van half in traffic at the top of an overpass in high traffic considering I know the tire in NOT easy to change. As Rachel is figuring out where I am, a roadside assistance vehicle pulls up behind me. YAY! I am very certain it has nothing to do with the Kia conversation but my vehicle information is updated at least. They are now aware that my van is RED! The guy tells me to pull over as far as I can and gets set up. Josh and Rachel call and they can see me (they were close-even with traffic) and the guy helping me.

The guy has all his fancy stuff perfect for changing any tire and Josh and Rachel pull up and we get the girls into the truck and the tire changing commences. Now with Josh there to help. The guy jacks the van and Josh unblots the spare ANNNND it is flat. No worries (God is with us)! The fancy truck has an air pump so they pump up my flat spare, get it back on the van and in not a lot of time really, we are all on our way! The tire holds the air so well we pass the first exit we come to and opt for the next one which happens to be the one to go to their home AND what do you know but right off the exit (well, not RIGHT off but for a difficult situation things are going extreemly well!) is a Tire Shop! They are closing up and washing their hands but we pull in, plead our case and since God is with us, we get a tire to replace the blow out and the flat fixed. And Josh had enough cash in his pocket to cover it all.

A blow out alone could have caused an accident. We had God so all over us that it was almost comical. Favor. Mercy. Grace. Love. THAT is what I'm talkin about, baby.

The Fog Finally Lifts

I went into the plastic surgon's office today and the nurse asked me how I was feeling. I told her I was way out of it and very confused and mentally this recovery was much harder than the last one. I could not walk in a stright line and Kenneth had to help me do everything including go to the bathroom. Melissa (the nurse) looks at me and asks if that is my nausea patch behind my ear. I told her yes and she said that was why and I should take it off right away.

Tonight I can read and write (type) and have a conversation and my depth perception is back to normal and I am not sleeping all day and I just feel normal again. And how about these apples; Kenneth actually took good care of me! He was nice to me almost the whole time. ; )

Now, about my breast. Despite the blood and stitches, I think I can see a difference already. Now the paranoid part of me feels the bottom of the breast that still feels empty and deflated and I am horrified to think this 2nd surgery is not going to work. I guess it is the old part of me that believes God will punish me for doing something others may judge un-Christlike. Today is Thursday and the surgery was Tuesday so it is pretty un-realistic to expect final results right now. Maybe it is because I have final results on the right already. I mean really, is life not about more than food and clothes? (Mat 6:25 & Lu12:23)

I will continue to seek God and fear the Lord so I may have health and vitality. A healthy boob. That's what Im talkin bout baby.

Surgery

My surgery is tomorrow. I would like to be too busy to think about it until it is time to go. Grr. I just want to be a two year old about this and stomp my feet and scream IT'S NOT FAIR! I prayed before the first surgery that this exact thing would not happen and that I would not need a second surgery and here I am going into my second surgery and not sure how to pray before this one. I would LOVE to come away from this with another easy recovery and results on the left like on the right. I would love for 6 weeks from now to be saying it was all worth it in the end. At least I am not one of those people scared of surgery and being put under. The only thing I am concerned about is going through all this again, putting out all the money for this surgery and wind up having to have the implants removed all together. I love the one! More than I thought I would. I just want to learn what I am supposed to learn (rest????) and have beautiful breast. It is funny how that was never on my wish list before.

I did not trust Kenneth very good last time. I will try to be a better paitent and allow him to care for me and the girls without micromanaging him. Really. I will. I will try harder than last time.

I would like to book a bunch of TS parties too. I want to make more money. I think. Maybe. I did back out of the New York trip. Kenneth asked me once if I really thought that would ever actually go through and I have to admit, I really had hopes for it too. Then again, Rachel and I did not respond the way we did when we were told about it if we actually thought our mother would pay for us to fly to New York and see a Broadway show. It never made sense on any level and I must say I feel a lot better not being under that 'gift' anymore. It is so much more familiar for us to not go. No one offers a gift like that to someone then asks for money to buy food because they have not had food in the house for 3 days. The latter is familiar. I do not want to go off on that topic. I need to clear my mind and focus of perfect lovely breast. Now, thats what Im talkin bout BABY!

Reading List and a Random thought or two

As is the norm for me, I am reading many things at once. Some more than others. Here is my current list:

1. The Bible. More specificly Numbers and Mark.
2. The Beloved Disciple by Beth Moore. As great as I find this one, I am not giving it much priority. Maybe during my 2nd recovery from surgery it will get more play.
3. Loved by God by Liz Curtis Higgs. This is actually a bible study the Moms group at my church is working on. I enjoy it a lot and waiver from giving it full attention and rushing through the lessons to get to something else I am working on.
4. Prayer Portions by Sylvia Gunter accompanied by the daily study guide written for Prayer Portions by Amy Bills. One or the other is deeper than I take the time for but I love it. One days lesson in the study guide could easily take me a week and I would not have done much more than waded into the waters.
5. The Final Quest by Rick Joyner. This one I begrudgingly started at the pressing of a good and respected friend and now I do not want to put it down. Also it is one of those books that jump starts me into wanting to give myself more fully to Christ and here come the random thoughts.

I want to be more fully committed but I feel my life and circumstances does not allow that. For example; I will not watch a movie my husband downloads that is not released yet where as he has no problem doing so. On the other hand I will watch just about any movie out no matter how vile or perverted it is. I justify this by saying I gotta have something in common with my husband besides our children. Am I holding back me or him?

I do not want to be so desensitized to evil and I know some areas I dabble I should not but other areas I am not sure about. The Final Quest talks about the good vs. evil thing and Christians are on both sides. The ones on the evil side are decived and believe they are on God's side and are fighting for Him when in reality Satan is just using the crap outta them to defeat their own. Part of me wants to know where I stand. I am not a seer and find myself so oblivious sometimes to what is going on around me. Part of me wants to have a glimps of which side I am fighting for but the other part of me is so content to have no idea and just continue blindly on. Man, I sound so LAZY and lukewarm. Bleck!

I know I want to fight for Jesus not against Him. I just gotta decide how much I am willing to pay. How much of a sacrifice am I willing to give. How much am I willing to die so He can reign? Stupid flesh! I hate the influence it has over me.

One more random thought. Kenneth is upset and got on me about not doing enough laundry and house work. He says he has to work and does as much as he can on his days off. I am doing quite a bit more than I should and am facing even more limitations with this next surgery and I am not sure where to go with this. He pointed out I should be fine now because it has been almost 6 weeks and I pointed out he stopped helping after less than one week and he spends lots of his off days with his computers and scratching his balls. He said touche' but now what.

It is too easy to think I am a good Christian while judging him. I do not want to be used by Satan to bring both he and I down. Can someone help me get this plank out of my eye? It is going to scratch my monitor. Jesus is my banner of victory (1 Cor 15:57). That's what Im talkin bout baby!

Up and Down

I suppose it is normal. I cried all morning. One minute I feel strong and like I can handle everything and the next I seem to have lost all faith. One minute I have the right perspective, the next it is so very lost and I just want to have the biggest pity party. I understand the lack of truth, but I actually compaired this to losing Rya. Let me elaborate. I am the only one of my group of friends (which is large) that has lost a baby to stillbirth. Now, of allll the people we know who have implants, I am the one who winds up needing a re-do.

Then there is the issue of Kenneth and his inability to be healthy when I need care. As soon as I could hold my own, he stepped back with what little he managed. Again, easy to slip into the whole pity party. Poor me, not enough help, too much work, blah, blah, blah.

I know it will all be fine. I just gotta get through it. And this is a little funny but I kinda have to tell lots of people I have to have another surgery and I am so mad it is the aug! I do NOT want to tell just anybody about that part of it. It was easy to leave that part out with alll the other stuff I had done now the only thing that is being spotlighted is my breast. I hated wearing the medical bra because it seemed so obvious and I felt it drew attention to my breast. Now I will have drains and have more to wear than before (medical bra plus an additional band). I will not be able to do as much physically and I fear my lack of mobility will be a tale tell sign.

I must still have more guilt issues otherwise I would not worry as much about secrecy. Then again, I believe it is normal to not want to discuss a boob job with my Paw Paw who is in his late 80's. I dunno. I know in the back of my mind I still question whether I deserve to spend this kind of money on myself and it is a sort of taboo topic, especially in a Christian world. I mean it is kinda crazy how the times can complicate biblical standards. Today a breast augmentation is compaired to make up or hair high lights or even home improvements. Then again, there is the whole 'why change what God made' side. I have to be sure of myself and the choices I make. I do not want to be up and down. I need a steady foundation. I have One. I just need more time with Him. That's what I'm talkin about.

Capsulation

I finally got in to see the doctor. The nurse lead me to the exam room and asked how I was doing. I told her I was nervous and she told me not to worry and asked what side I was concerned about. Then she turned around and looked at me. I had slipped my jacket off and she said, 'Oh, I see. It looks like it is in capulation.' The doctor walked in took one look and told me surgery was my only option. So I scheduled my surgery for March 18th which is only a few days after I should be pronounced 'fully recovered' from my January 30th surgeries.

I have to admit I was very upset at first and of course second guessed the decission to even have such an unneccessary surgery and wondered if I heard God wrong and thought about the extented recovery and how a $4100 surgery is turning into a $4750 surgery with higher risks the 2nd time around. I had quite the pity party. Kenneth was great though and spoke with wisdom and compassion and support. He really loves his boobs! Bless his heart!

Funny side note!! I often say 'Bless his/her heart!' and recently at church that was the title of the message. The Pastor informed us 'bless your heart' translates to 'You are an idiot". So TRUE!!

So, the doctor is not charging me but I do have to pay for supplies, etc which is $650 and I just so happen to have gotten a refund that is more than that and normally I would have had to book the surgery 6 months out but they had a cancellation on March 18th that I was able to take. I kept getting little reminders that some people are struggling with their health and I am struggling for the perfect breasts so I got a little better perspective. I also took a few minutes, climbed into my Father's Lap and let Him love on me and accepted that even if I did hear Him wrong and did not have His blessing for a boob job, He was still with me and loves me and has had His Hand on all that has come my way. I listened to Nicole C. Mullen sing Convinced and felt my God's Presence so it's all good.

Then of course, I wound up getting personal with the nurse and she told me about the baby she lost 12 years ago and I was able to share some of my story with her and validate her feelings for her baby when she did not think she had that right. How sweet of God to use me because of a broken boob. That's what I'm talkin bout BABY!

Lyrics to Convienced:
I don’t know if light is brighter
In the earth or the soul
I don’t know which night is darker
The one I do or don’t know
Chorus: But I’m convinced
I’m persuaded
I will not be separated
From the love
I have in You
‘Cause neither death or life can severe
Neither height or depth could measure the love You have
And my love for You

The wind will blow on everybody
And rain will fall on us all
And if the, weather of my lifeIs not like I want it, still
I’ll survive thru the storm

I‘ll give it all