Where do I even start? The Friday before Thanksgiving we found out Ned had cancer. Christmas day we found out she can not beat it. Her doctor did not want us to know till after Christmas but she was so bad off she wound up being rushed to the ER and her son aided in reviving her. She almost did not make it through Christmas. Two days later, on Ned's 52nd birthday (which she spent in the hospital) her youngest daughter lost her baby. I do not even think they plan to tell Ned. The doctor has decided not to tell Ned she is terminal yet. Not sure why.
I did my grieving Christmas night. I cried a lot of the night. Sobbed actually. I am now of the mindset, 'just take her now'. I do not want this to drag on. I want her to be better off and if that can not happen here, I just want her life to end.
Today, and maybe the past few days, I think I may have been a little depressed. I seem to be feeling sorry for myself because Ned was always good to me. She was always there for me and now, for all intents and purposes, she is gone. I also wonder how this will change who mama is. Will she be more the 'poor me, life is so hard for me' maryter? I guess that is how I have been. I do not want to be.
At church I got some perspective though. I do not have it bad at all. Delin is losing her Daddy, who she is very close to. A couple from our church are praying for a miricle for their 5 month old daughter. Molly (a church staff member) recently lost her dad to cancer after an 8 year battle. My loss is minor. It is not easy but it could be worse too. It could be Kenneth or one of my girls. This brings up another issue weighing on me. Other than Ken and the girls, who is really vital to me? Even Rachel would not be a devestating loss. That sounds like a problem. I know when Thomas died, I was more jealous than anything. He was now living the good Life. And even after loosing him, then Rya a year later (which was a much bigger loss to me), life went on. There is no life without death but should I be so callous to it? Should my emotions be so shallow and cold?
Tomorrow starts a new day, a new year, a new chance to live and love. Thank God for His grace and mercy. That is what I am talkin about.
