Nostalgia

I had to search for a picture of my cousin for a birthday party and got to take a sweet stroll down memory lane. Good times, good times.

Livin the Dream

While I occassionally feel I am not comfortable in my own skin, today was not one of those days. I made my 6 year old feel especially beautiful, my 4 year old allowed her 8 year old sister help her get dressed and after doing my mom a favor-a long favor-my girls and I hung out at the pool for a while.

My pool has always been one of those places where I can totally see how good my life is. As a child I wanted 2 things. I mean consistantly and passionatly. I wanted to be a mother and I wanted an inground pool. I so very much love to lay in the warm sun and watch and listen to my children play in the pool and I reconize the luxery of it all.

My mom is in a vulnerable place right now so it is easy for me to show her love and not be in that constant state of bracing myself for the next blow. I thought to myself while lounging at my pool today that my mom never got to enjoy a day like I had today. Whatever the reason, even self inflicted; financial strain, too busy, too stressed, to emotionally spent, too burdened, too over committed, she quite possible never had a day like mine. Comfortable in her skin and appreciative of her situation in life. I was a little sad for her. I am often too stressed, too spread thin, too ungrateful to reconize God's Fingerprints all over my life, but when I find myself slathered in sunscreen lying under the Sun my God created hearing the music of childhood while floating in the best $30,000 ever spent, I can appreciate the story of my life.

I have often thought my life may make for entertaining material. Be it pride or conceit or whatever, I felt my story was worth telling. Today I got a picture of my Story and it was the Red Letter edition. What I saw was more red letters than not.

I did not spend hours in prayer today. I have not even read my bible yet and on top of that I fit in a good 40 minutes with Dr. Phil. I was not religious or spiritual and I even wore a 2 peice to swim in but my day was still all about God and His goodness to me and mine. I have no veils or strongholds blocking my view of the truth. Today I was free. I was livin the dream. That's what I'm talkin' bout baby.

The Donuts did it

My husband recently did something to hurt me and I was pretty mad. He talked to a friend of his about it and the friend actually sided with me and suggested flowers. Now I have to give it to my husband, he is hit and miss a lot of the times when it comes to knowing me and what I want and need. I tell myself it is the thought that counts. A lot.

Well, I guess Kenneth thought about flowers but he had tried a couple other things that did not work. Actually, one worked ok the other made things worse. He likes to play the baby card. He found an exceptionally cute picture of one of our girls (so not hard to do) as a fat baby and emailed it to me. It made me smile while I was mad but I still find that a lame way to say 'I am sorry'. Honestly I have often wondered to myself why those words were so hard to say when it makes things so much better. I think for myself I rationalize that it is counterproductive because it just let's people off the hook with no solution to the problem. If I thought taking the blame for a situation, my fault or not, would make things better, maybe it would be easier to do. I just think saying sorry for peace's sake is not productive in a situation where resolution is scarse.

For example, if I say I am sorry for never doing laundry and leaving people with no clean clothes to wear but do not actually start doing laundry, how can that be right? Take it up a notch or 8 and say I am so sorry I had that affair. I am so very sorry and I want to make our marriage work. Even if the affair stopped, if the offender continued to be unavailable and not make an effort to earn back trust what is the point? Both of those examples were just that. Examples. I do laundry every day and Kenneth helps with the laundry often. Also, neither of us have ever had an affair so that is not from our lives. Just saying that saying 'Im sorry' for Im sorry's sake is lame.

So in lieu of flowers, I got donuts! That's what Im talkin bout BABY!
OH! But that did not get him off the hook. I still need clean clothes to wear. Ya gotta start somewhere though.

Movies I want to see

I enjoy movies. I love to read but make more time for movies these days. Not that I am getting a mushy brain in my yogert eating old age but I tend to get so absorbed in a book I neglect the rest of my life. So we got this new cable channel that is nothing but movie previews. Wow.

Often the previews are the best parts and a lot of times the movie is a big let down after an incredible preview but I still love watching them. Ken and I actually found ourselves glued to this new channel for over an hour the other day and here is the list of movies I want to see after watching the previews:

Wanted starring Angelina Jolie and Morgan Freeman. WOW! This looks bad ass. Angelina did not cover any of her tats for this one. YEAH BAby!

The Happening starring Marky Mark. Normally I would not want to see this type of movie but I will see anything with Marky Mark in it. He is yummy and oh so talented in my opinion. In your face NKOTB!

Prince Caspian I read the book, I read the series, and I heard it was great plus I try and support Christian based movies.

Adam Sandler's movie called something like Dont Mess with Zohan. What can I say. I am a fan. I make no apologies.

Lakeview Terrace with Samual L! Love him too! Not as much as Danzel but I gotta see this because a black cop (Sammy) tries to run off his new neighbors which are a mixed couple. Gotta support interracial marriages. It is a requirement or something.

Snatch. Dont remember a thing about it but I wanted to see it enough to write it in one of my notebooks. Mushy yogert brain!

Surfwise. Now this looks so awesome! This old dude had a bunch of kids, like 8 or 9 and they lived in a mobile home and traveled and surfed and he was a bastard but in the good way so now his kids are wanting to give their kids the same experience. It is either a documentery or like one.

What Happens in Vegas I like Ashton mainly because Bruce does and if you are alright with Bruce you are alright with me. I am NOT a fan of Diez however and the movie may or may not be funny but I am sure one day I will need a mindless watch and it will fill a need.

So, there it is. The List. Hopefully one of these will be a winner. Like when I saw the Village I had to tell everyone to see it. And Man on Fire. And She's the Man. That's what Im talkin bout!!!!!111

Communication aka the breakdown of Pink vs. Blue

I read this fab book on marriage and it really opened my eyes to a lot of things. I am guilty of hearing a message or word or whatever and thinking 'MAN! My husband needs to get this!' when just as often I need something too. I just can not tell what that something is because of the stoopid plank in my eye. Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs rocks for lots of reasons. The main one was it showed me what an ass I was being to my husband and how great he had been; I just did not reconize it. Eggerichs used a concept that was so brilliant to me. He broke it down to this; men speak and hear blue and women speak and hear pink.

If your marriage is jacked up, read this book. If your marriage is good, read this book. If your marriage is perfect, read this book and share what you learned with your married friends. I love communication and it is an area my marriage needs work in. My husband will often say he told me something and I remind him if he does not say it out loud and to me that does not count. He feels he communicated something to me but when it is too blue I miss it. Now my Love is one who will think to himself he should tell me something and not remember that he never said it out loud but most times I think it boils down to pink vs. blue.

Our latest communication misshap occured when I went to him and asked how he felt about me getting another tattoo. I had been inked 7 times already but all before our daughters and I felt it was a big decission that I did not want to make alone. He gave me one of his standard answers of 'I dont care'. I knew what I wanted but wanted his imput of where and, well, just his imput. All I could get out of him was 'I dont care. Do what you want. I dont care.'

So the day I was to get said tat he seems annoyed and even teases me about being too old for a tattoo. We had some major life stressors occuring at the same time and I was having trouble reading him so I kept asking him if he was ok with what I was doing. 'I dont care'.

Can you imagine my shock when I get back and he freaks on me?!? DUDE! What the hell? He freaks about it being on my back and the size. He says to me, 'I thought you would get something small and tasteful on your ankle or (he said some other location-I heard BLUE BLUE BLUE, BLUE BLUE!). I was like, 'well Simple, what's done is done. I can not take it back.' With the location it is in I need help taking care of it and I hated having to ask him but what could I do. Last night we were lying in bed and he says 'it really is a beautiful tattoo'. I said 'that you wish I did not have?' He said 'yeah'. Blue bastard.

I have a ring I call my family ring and that is what the tat is of. Jesus is the center of our family. The 2 hearts are Kenneth and I joined as one. The colored jewles on the tips of the cross are the birthstones for each of our daughters. Our firstborn, Rya, is green (peridot). Next is Avery in October. Then Emery and last Adrian, both in March. Joshua 24:15 As for me and my family, we will serve the Lord! That's what I'm talkin bout BABY!

Twitter

I found this new site that I thought was cool. Well, I did until I started using it. The site has issues. I like the concept still. And I guess I should say maybe it is not the site but the user but whatever. Be not afraid of greatness/she's the man quote.

Speaking of She's The Man, I have to say, it is one of my favorite movies. Granted, it is not of the same caliber as Man on Fire but really, who can compair to Danzel? Let's be fair, now. I have few words to use up today that are not She's The Man quotes so until I can get someone to take a picture of what my next entry will be about, I am going watch the rest of She's The Man. Thats what Im talkin bout.

Bon Qui Qui and Offence

I love to tell my friends 'you get what you get, and don't throw a fit'. I am who I am and I do not like walking around egg shells with people who are supposed to accept me. It just gets old when I feel like it is best to not be myself all the time. If you want to see something funny, click the title of this post and feel free to laugh. It is ok! I will not be offended; Bon Qui Qui will not be offended; my black husband will not be offended. It is what it is. My husband and I often say 'it's funny cuz it's true'. Bon Qui Qui is funny cuz it's true.

I had a Bon Qui Qui email incident with my friends and I think maybe God allowed that to happen to allow me to see that I am not The Norm. I do not want to 'fit the mold' and I do not. I want to rock the boat and I do. I TOTALLY understand that what I find funny and entertaining is NOT what others enjoy and I accept that. That is not my problem. I do not get offended easily. I was offended to have my friends think I would be offended. Ha! No, actually I was just surprized that as transparent as I am, some of my friends do not get me at all. I will be ok with that though because I have to think Jesus must be able to relate. He did not go with the flow; He offended others all the time, He was transparent but misunderstood and He came to give me fullness of joy (Ps 16:11). Now, that's what I'm talkin bout baby.

Pirates & Ponies

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. It will probably be nice but today kinda rocked. I mean, it had it's rocky parts but all in all, in included a lot of my favorite things. Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens does not make my list on most days. Today (and tomorrow) I did not talk to my mother. I was with my husband and kids AND my sister and her husband. I got to go for a boat ride. My horse loving daughter got to pet AND ride bareback on a beautiful creature named Playgirl. She was petting the horse while in her Uncle's arms and said to him, "I can not just pet it, I have to ride it. I just have to!" How can you say no to that?

After visiting horses (and rabbits-not exactly on my list but whatever), we went to Lake Charles Contraband Days pirate festivle. I still have eyeliner caked on my face. It was a cool event but the best part was dressing up in our pirate tee shirts, hats, eye patches and putting pirate tattoos all over us and branding plastic swords and a sleeping beauty doll going out in public as a family. Speaking of family, my sister and I have noticed an abundance of interracial couples in the Lake Charles area. That is on my list. Interracial couples with biracial kids, even better! I did see a pregnant girl smoking today and had to leave because I was afraid I would ruin my Christian witness by saying something nasty to her. You would be surprized how difficult it is to not ruin your Christian witness while trying to be a pirate, savvy.

At the pirate festivle I tried some carnival food that may just make my favorite thing list. We had deep fried oreos and chocolate covered cheesecake on a stick. The oreos tasted like a donut with an oreo in the middle and the cheesecake was covered in chocolate and on a stick!

I got to watch SNL and actually laugh. I got some great email affirmation from my friends. They think I am funny. Especially when I make fun of Catholics and have content warnings on my blog. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.

Christians may like me

This title links to a disturbing blog I recently found. Sidenote, I am learning to use some of the options on my blog!! This other blog is called Stuff Christians Like. I SO fit the flippin mold!! Man, that pisses me off! Here I am, stumbling through my life feeling like I do not fit anywhere, not in the world, not in church, not in my life and come to find out, IT"S ALL A LIE!!!!

I am being dramaticly scartastic. If you did not realize. I actually enjoyed this other blog very much and Todd Bentley is actually mentioned on this other blog (mentioned in my last post). And how funny is this? I have an appointment to get a tattoo and planned to get a scripture inked on my back, but after reading this blog, I am thinking I may not just so I will not be liked as much. Ref. # 23.

I have read or at least skimmed almost every post this dude made and I must say one I totally plan to use to the fullest advantage is post # 37 which is on Abstinence. Here is what it says:

I'm a huge fan of abstinence, especially now that I'm married and don't have to follow it. But I almost left it off this list because I think despite how much we like the idea of abstinence, we've done a really poor job explaining the benefits.

Here's what usually happens for 13-year old Christian boys. Their parents or their youth leader says, "Look, you should stay pure and not have sex so that you keep your marriage holy." That's their first option. Then the world says to them, "Look at me! Sex is wild and fun and neon and loud and whoa Spring Break!" And as a 13-year old that was an easy decision for me to make. (And if you believe that the pursuit of holiness alone will inspire your 13-year old son first let me say that's adorable, and second I honestly hope he does not come in contact with one of the 25% of teenage girls in this country that has an STD.)

Here's what we should be saying about abstinence. The best reason not to have sex until you're married is that it makes your sex life so much better after you're married. When you don't bring baggage into a sexual marriage relationship things get wild a lot faster. You get to have crazy, awesome, Prince type sex. There's no memories of other people, no hang ups to work through. It's just you and your wife getting ridiculous and enjoying the hot sexy good time that holiness makes possible. This is what it sounds like, when doves cry.

Abstinence. That's what I'm talkin bout BABY!

Not another Prophet in an Armoni Suit

I have been hungry for God. It has been easier to choose Him over the world. I have been reading Rick Joyner's Final Quest series. I am on book 2, The Call and while still in the 1st chapter I have like 3 pages of notes. I have also been watching Todd Bentley as often as I can but not often enough. I mean to get stuff done but I just want to sit and watch or pray or worship. Title of this blog will link you to Todd's site.

I feel spread as thin as always and I am getting frustrated I can not give more time to God. I need more time with Him. Reading about visions and prophecy and watching revival and healings I need to know the Holy Spirit better so I can know what to do. I have always been one of those people that believes things are not going to get better, but worse. Maybe begining my bible studies with Revelation or maybe just my realistic, cynical outlook will not let me 'hope for a better future'/hearts and squiggles. I believe things will continue to get worse until Jesus comes back. I want that to be soon but seeing all these signs of the times that show the end is near has me nervous.

I am back to loving my new breast and I would love a tummy tuck and a little lipo and I want to be in shape and lose weight but FOR WHAT?!? To either die or be raptured?!? Something I got from reading the Call was looking at myself and all my faults is PRIDE and will keep me from God. I have been asking for more judgement and conviction *yikes* and I found that looking at myself will bring confussion and make it harder to hear the Holy Spirit. I can not abide in His presence and be self-conscious or self-absorbed. It makes sense, how can we hear from God when looking at our own inadequacies and unworthiness? We will never be worthy or adequate. That is why we need Him! We can never make ourselves into what we should be and it is Pride to try and focus there. ALl I can do is trust God to use me despite myself. The Call puts it quite simpily. Our call is to abide in the Holy Spirit and let God use us. In His Presence is where we will see Glory.

I can see in my limited understanding why Romans 8:1 is in the bible. When we are in condemnation for our sins and focus our our unworthiness, we are not looking to Jesus. I tend to struggle with not being repentant enough for my sins and chalk it up to being human then go into condemnation for NOT being in condemnation and just a bunch of stupid crap that is not SEEKING HIS FACE. Eph. 4:3 NLT says Always keep yourselves united in the Holy Spirit and bind yourselves together with peace. That's what Im talkin bout Jesus!

Growing Up

I recently found myself in an emotional situation where I initially responded in my usual way of anger, violence, and agression. I scared the crap outta my girls but I pulled myself together right quick and in no time I actually began handeling the situation like a Christian, an adult Christian no less! You do not hear pride in my words but shock and awe!

I have been in the Word more this year than ever in my Christian walk and it has made such a difference. I really believe in the POWER of the Word; help my unbelief! I actually acted on Eph. 6:12 and realized my battle was not against flesh and blood but against the evil powers that rule the world I live in. I not only feel I may be moving up a level in my relationship with God but I feel as a family we are moving.

Speaking of Joshua 24:15 As for me and my family, we will serve the Lord, I have an apt. to get a tattoo that has that meaning and possibly the scripture ref. too.

I have felt some fear lately, serious fear and while I know I have not been given a spirit of fear, but one of power and love and a sound mind, I was surprized how much fear I felt. What does it mean? Being in God's will = stronger attacks? Feeling fear = need to cover areas in prayer and the blood? Fear = NOT being in God's will? I dunno. I do know that no matter what I face, I have not turned away from my God, but to Him. See? I am growing up finally! That's what I'm talkin bout, savvy?

Ladies and Gentlemen, CASTING CROWNS

Once again, a song by my boys Casting Crowns ministered God's love to me. I never really got this song until I just lived it out.

"East To West"
Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me
Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other

Attack of the Killer Breast

I have been wanting to write about the emotional turmoil I have been experiencing but honestly, I could not put into words what was wrong with me. Basicly I faced some situations that resurfaced my past and kinda freaked and thought I wanted my implants out.

First, a few set ups. Recently I came face to face with a guy I 'dated' for lack of a better term. I have been raped twice and as weird as this sounds, neither time was that tramatic. Well, the one in Korea was violent but kinda anti-climactic, no pun intended. This guy would threated to kill himself if I broke up with him and his mom would call me from the hospital and beg me to be his girlfriend. I was 13 and did not know how to get out. After the date rape, he found out, told me he was supposed to be my first and insisted I give it up to him too. Like that. We now attend the same church service every week.

Then I shared my testimony with the bible study group so my past was just brought up again and I was forced to revisit places I do not often go. That was not so tough but I think maybe using so much ugliness for God's glory may have needled the devil some, savvy? Then, my trip to Chicago.

Hmm. Ok, let's see. To sum up that trip I would say lesbians and liquor. My cousin lost her lover of 34 years and her best friends are in her wine club. So, yeah, I got drunk and talked about ex-girlfriends. Faced a little condemnation from that.

So in light of that, I realized, well, not at the time, I could not put it into words until now and at this point I am over it but I digress. I realized my new breast size was causing me some uncomfortableness. First of all, padded bras conceal nipples. Now, in regular bras they just scream at everybody all the time. Plus, being a D they are just out there. I like the way they look but feel like that is wrong. I am not wearing anything revealing but unless I am in something very baggy I just feel I am doing something wrong. I realized I was confusing how I used to be with who I am now. Maybe I used to use my body in a perverted way but my heart is pure now. It is harder to not be sexy but just because I have larger breast does not mean I am going to use them for evil. That souns funny. Like ATTACK OF THE KILLER BREAST!!! Run for your lives! Do not look directly at them or the nipples will poke your eyes out!! ; )

Ok, so how did I get over all the lies? With the Truth. Psalm 33:15 was part of my daily reading and it says He made my heart so He understands everything I do. I felt like a huge weight was lifted off me when I read that. It should not be such a struggle to not look like the world, especially when I do not look like the church either. So I will just believe the Word of God for what it is; TRUTH. I am going get a tattoo. That's what IM talkin bout baby.

He will never leave me

Hebrews 14:5 reminds me that God will never leave me or forsake. Recently in a bible study lesson, I prayed for God to show me how to practice His Presence with me and to just be aware of Him more. With that in mind the girls and I decided very last minute to head on over to Lake Charles for a short visit with my sister. The drive was not bad and I had just called my sister to tell her we were almost to LC and confirm the exit I was to take. There was a bit of construstion and the 2 little girls had just woken up and I was just being silly with them and suddenly traffic went down to one narrow lane and came down to a slow crawl. I slammed on my breaks but not soon enough to avoid hitting the car in front of me. I was forced to pull off onto the exit ramp. I stopped the van and collected myself and reconized I had just avoided an accident and God was there. I was even able to back up a little and get back onto the interstate.

Honestly I did not think I was following too close or speeding but I was thankful to have avoided an accident for sure. I got back on I10 and got right into Lake Charles when the road seemed to get really rough. The girls were all hollering about how bumpy things were when my stomach got all knotted up and someone pulled up on side of me and yelled 'you have a flat tire'. I was on an over pass and had to drive a little further to have somewhere to pull over but I was still kinda in the road. I called my sister who was checking out at Wal Mart and she said she was going to find her husband-who had just gotten off work-and head my way. I called Kenneth to see if I could call AAA but he said I had Kia roadside assistance. I called them but my phone was in the red and I had been on it talking with the woman for 20 minutes about vin numbers and milage and policy and it was getting very hard to not get agravated with her. She wanted to update my info and kept asking me the color of the vehicle and FINALLY we got to my location. Well, I was not sure of my location. Not only was I out of town in an area I was unfamiliar with, I just happen to be no where NEAR any readable sign at. all.

So, Rachel beeps in and I answer hoping she can tell me where I am. She needs to know herself so they can find me. She and Josh are on their way and I am thinking it is going to be impossible for Josh to change my tire with the van half in traffic at the top of an overpass in high traffic considering I know the tire in NOT easy to change. As Rachel is figuring out where I am, a roadside assistance vehicle pulls up behind me. YAY! I am very certain it has nothing to do with the Kia conversation but my vehicle information is updated at least. They are now aware that my van is RED! The guy tells me to pull over as far as I can and gets set up. Josh and Rachel call and they can see me (they were close-even with traffic) and the guy helping me.

The guy has all his fancy stuff perfect for changing any tire and Josh and Rachel pull up and we get the girls into the truck and the tire changing commences. Now with Josh there to help. The guy jacks the van and Josh unblots the spare ANNNND it is flat. No worries (God is with us)! The fancy truck has an air pump so they pump up my flat spare, get it back on the van and in not a lot of time really, we are all on our way! The tire holds the air so well we pass the first exit we come to and opt for the next one which happens to be the one to go to their home AND what do you know but right off the exit (well, not RIGHT off but for a difficult situation things are going extreemly well!) is a Tire Shop! They are closing up and washing their hands but we pull in, plead our case and since God is with us, we get a tire to replace the blow out and the flat fixed. And Josh had enough cash in his pocket to cover it all.

A blow out alone could have caused an accident. We had God so all over us that it was almost comical. Favor. Mercy. Grace. Love. THAT is what I'm talkin about, baby.

The Fog Finally Lifts

I went into the plastic surgon's office today and the nurse asked me how I was feeling. I told her I was way out of it and very confused and mentally this recovery was much harder than the last one. I could not walk in a stright line and Kenneth had to help me do everything including go to the bathroom. Melissa (the nurse) looks at me and asks if that is my nausea patch behind my ear. I told her yes and she said that was why and I should take it off right away.

Tonight I can read and write (type) and have a conversation and my depth perception is back to normal and I am not sleeping all day and I just feel normal again. And how about these apples; Kenneth actually took good care of me! He was nice to me almost the whole time. ; )

Now, about my breast. Despite the blood and stitches, I think I can see a difference already. Now the paranoid part of me feels the bottom of the breast that still feels empty and deflated and I am horrified to think this 2nd surgery is not going to work. I guess it is the old part of me that believes God will punish me for doing something others may judge un-Christlike. Today is Thursday and the surgery was Tuesday so it is pretty un-realistic to expect final results right now. Maybe it is because I have final results on the right already. I mean really, is life not about more than food and clothes? (Mat 6:25 & Lu12:23)

I will continue to seek God and fear the Lord so I may have health and vitality. A healthy boob. That's what Im talkin bout baby.

Surgery

My surgery is tomorrow. I would like to be too busy to think about it until it is time to go. Grr. I just want to be a two year old about this and stomp my feet and scream IT'S NOT FAIR! I prayed before the first surgery that this exact thing would not happen and that I would not need a second surgery and here I am going into my second surgery and not sure how to pray before this one. I would LOVE to come away from this with another easy recovery and results on the left like on the right. I would love for 6 weeks from now to be saying it was all worth it in the end. At least I am not one of those people scared of surgery and being put under. The only thing I am concerned about is going through all this again, putting out all the money for this surgery and wind up having to have the implants removed all together. I love the one! More than I thought I would. I just want to learn what I am supposed to learn (rest????) and have beautiful breast. It is funny how that was never on my wish list before.

I did not trust Kenneth very good last time. I will try to be a better paitent and allow him to care for me and the girls without micromanaging him. Really. I will. I will try harder than last time.

I would like to book a bunch of TS parties too. I want to make more money. I think. Maybe. I did back out of the New York trip. Kenneth asked me once if I really thought that would ever actually go through and I have to admit, I really had hopes for it too. Then again, Rachel and I did not respond the way we did when we were told about it if we actually thought our mother would pay for us to fly to New York and see a Broadway show. It never made sense on any level and I must say I feel a lot better not being under that 'gift' anymore. It is so much more familiar for us to not go. No one offers a gift like that to someone then asks for money to buy food because they have not had food in the house for 3 days. The latter is familiar. I do not want to go off on that topic. I need to clear my mind and focus of perfect lovely breast. Now, thats what Im talkin bout BABY!

Reading List and a Random thought or two

As is the norm for me, I am reading many things at once. Some more than others. Here is my current list:

1. The Bible. More specificly Numbers and Mark.
2. The Beloved Disciple by Beth Moore. As great as I find this one, I am not giving it much priority. Maybe during my 2nd recovery from surgery it will get more play.
3. Loved by God by Liz Curtis Higgs. This is actually a bible study the Moms group at my church is working on. I enjoy it a lot and waiver from giving it full attention and rushing through the lessons to get to something else I am working on.
4. Prayer Portions by Sylvia Gunter accompanied by the daily study guide written for Prayer Portions by Amy Bills. One or the other is deeper than I take the time for but I love it. One days lesson in the study guide could easily take me a week and I would not have done much more than waded into the waters.
5. The Final Quest by Rick Joyner. This one I begrudgingly started at the pressing of a good and respected friend and now I do not want to put it down. Also it is one of those books that jump starts me into wanting to give myself more fully to Christ and here come the random thoughts.

I want to be more fully committed but I feel my life and circumstances does not allow that. For example; I will not watch a movie my husband downloads that is not released yet where as he has no problem doing so. On the other hand I will watch just about any movie out no matter how vile or perverted it is. I justify this by saying I gotta have something in common with my husband besides our children. Am I holding back me or him?

I do not want to be so desensitized to evil and I know some areas I dabble I should not but other areas I am not sure about. The Final Quest talks about the good vs. evil thing and Christians are on both sides. The ones on the evil side are decived and believe they are on God's side and are fighting for Him when in reality Satan is just using the crap outta them to defeat their own. Part of me wants to know where I stand. I am not a seer and find myself so oblivious sometimes to what is going on around me. Part of me wants to have a glimps of which side I am fighting for but the other part of me is so content to have no idea and just continue blindly on. Man, I sound so LAZY and lukewarm. Bleck!

I know I want to fight for Jesus not against Him. I just gotta decide how much I am willing to pay. How much of a sacrifice am I willing to give. How much am I willing to die so He can reign? Stupid flesh! I hate the influence it has over me.

One more random thought. Kenneth is upset and got on me about not doing enough laundry and house work. He says he has to work and does as much as he can on his days off. I am doing quite a bit more than I should and am facing even more limitations with this next surgery and I am not sure where to go with this. He pointed out I should be fine now because it has been almost 6 weeks and I pointed out he stopped helping after less than one week and he spends lots of his off days with his computers and scratching his balls. He said touche' but now what.

It is too easy to think I am a good Christian while judging him. I do not want to be used by Satan to bring both he and I down. Can someone help me get this plank out of my eye? It is going to scratch my monitor. Jesus is my banner of victory (1 Cor 15:57). That's what Im talkin bout baby!

Up and Down

I suppose it is normal. I cried all morning. One minute I feel strong and like I can handle everything and the next I seem to have lost all faith. One minute I have the right perspective, the next it is so very lost and I just want to have the biggest pity party. I understand the lack of truth, but I actually compaired this to losing Rya. Let me elaborate. I am the only one of my group of friends (which is large) that has lost a baby to stillbirth. Now, of allll the people we know who have implants, I am the one who winds up needing a re-do.

Then there is the issue of Kenneth and his inability to be healthy when I need care. As soon as I could hold my own, he stepped back with what little he managed. Again, easy to slip into the whole pity party. Poor me, not enough help, too much work, blah, blah, blah.

I know it will all be fine. I just gotta get through it. And this is a little funny but I kinda have to tell lots of people I have to have another surgery and I am so mad it is the aug! I do NOT want to tell just anybody about that part of it. It was easy to leave that part out with alll the other stuff I had done now the only thing that is being spotlighted is my breast. I hated wearing the medical bra because it seemed so obvious and I felt it drew attention to my breast. Now I will have drains and have more to wear than before (medical bra plus an additional band). I will not be able to do as much physically and I fear my lack of mobility will be a tale tell sign.

I must still have more guilt issues otherwise I would not worry as much about secrecy. Then again, I believe it is normal to not want to discuss a boob job with my Paw Paw who is in his late 80's. I dunno. I know in the back of my mind I still question whether I deserve to spend this kind of money on myself and it is a sort of taboo topic, especially in a Christian world. I mean it is kinda crazy how the times can complicate biblical standards. Today a breast augmentation is compaired to make up or hair high lights or even home improvements. Then again, there is the whole 'why change what God made' side. I have to be sure of myself and the choices I make. I do not want to be up and down. I need a steady foundation. I have One. I just need more time with Him. That's what I'm talkin about.

Capsulation

I finally got in to see the doctor. The nurse lead me to the exam room and asked how I was doing. I told her I was nervous and she told me not to worry and asked what side I was concerned about. Then she turned around and looked at me. I had slipped my jacket off and she said, 'Oh, I see. It looks like it is in capulation.' The doctor walked in took one look and told me surgery was my only option. So I scheduled my surgery for March 18th which is only a few days after I should be pronounced 'fully recovered' from my January 30th surgeries.

I have to admit I was very upset at first and of course second guessed the decission to even have such an unneccessary surgery and wondered if I heard God wrong and thought about the extented recovery and how a $4100 surgery is turning into a $4750 surgery with higher risks the 2nd time around. I had quite the pity party. Kenneth was great though and spoke with wisdom and compassion and support. He really loves his boobs! Bless his heart!

Funny side note!! I often say 'Bless his/her heart!' and recently at church that was the title of the message. The Pastor informed us 'bless your heart' translates to 'You are an idiot". So TRUE!!

So, the doctor is not charging me but I do have to pay for supplies, etc which is $650 and I just so happen to have gotten a refund that is more than that and normally I would have had to book the surgery 6 months out but they had a cancellation on March 18th that I was able to take. I kept getting little reminders that some people are struggling with their health and I am struggling for the perfect breasts so I got a little better perspective. I also took a few minutes, climbed into my Father's Lap and let Him love on me and accepted that even if I did hear Him wrong and did not have His blessing for a boob job, He was still with me and loves me and has had His Hand on all that has come my way. I listened to Nicole C. Mullen sing Convinced and felt my God's Presence so it's all good.

Then of course, I wound up getting personal with the nurse and she told me about the baby she lost 12 years ago and I was able to share some of my story with her and validate her feelings for her baby when she did not think she had that right. How sweet of God to use me because of a broken boob. That's what I'm talkin bout BABY!

Lyrics to Convienced:
I don’t know if light is brighter
In the earth or the soul
I don’t know which night is darker
The one I do or don’t know
Chorus: But I’m convinced
I’m persuaded
I will not be separated
From the love
I have in You
‘Cause neither death or life can severe
Neither height or depth could measure the love You have
And my love for You

The wind will blow on everybody
And rain will fall on us all
And if the, weather of my lifeIs not like I want it, still
I’ll survive thru the storm

I‘ll give it all

I made the call

One of my breast is so very beautiful. The other is not. I have been trying to wait it out and only have one person I know that has implants to run things by. But it has been 6 or 7 years since hers and she has different kinds and blah blah blah and even though she has been telling me it took her a lot longer than where I am at to settle into her final result, it has really been a worry on my mind to have the issues I am having.

So I kept trying to talk myself out of calling but today I just decided, let me just call them, get it over with, and have them tell me I am being parinoid and to get over myself and be paitent. That is NOT what they told me. Apparently it is not as normal as I hoped to have the issues I do so they want me to come in. She even mentioned a possible 2nd surgery. *insert big fat sad face*. What a bummer. I will try to stay positive till the doctor sees me and I know for sure what I am up against but man. Man.

I am so very glad I called and almost wish I had sooner (although the doctor is not in at all this week so I would still be waiting till next week to see him). It may not even big that big of a deal even at the worst case senerio but who wants to pay that much and go through recovery to wind up needing additional treatment. I am glad I decided to do the photo journal too because it also shows the problem but all it takes is a look at my breast to see the issues. Even in clothes it is obvious one implant is much higher than the other. I often put a shirt on and it is too obvious so I need to change.

It could be worse and I still get tons of compliments and not only do other people think I look slimmer but I do too. Who knew the results could be this good. One the one side anyway. Both sides will eventually be lovely, I am sure. In Jesus' name, right? That's what I'm talkin bout.

My New Secret!

I have been keeping a photo journal of my breast augmentation recovery and while my recovery has been incredible, I was quite upset with my 3 week pics. First I could not find a bra that worked and had the crazy notion I would be in a sports bra forever. Then, even though I read that a normal recovery is much more tramatic than mine, I keep fighting panic that the left side will never drop like the right has. I keep thinking I will need a second surgery or live with a deformity and just basicly being silly.

So kinda spur of the moment, I went bra shopping. I looked and looked and could not find exactly what I wanted then finally tried on a few with devestating results. I thought to myself, these C cups are just not big enough! Then I realized no one ever told me I was a C. As far as facts go, I have implants that are 400cc's. People ask me my new size and I always say 36C. No idea why if I think about it.

So I went got the bras I thought woud work in D cups and what do you know? They fit wonderfully! I am a D. A 36D! OK, so. Here is where I am on that note:

First of all, a certain part of me wanted to say 'if I am gonna do this, then let's do this! Let's go Jessica Rabbit!' But it is like I told Kenneth, it is one thing to say I wanted to repair pregnancy and breast feeding damage by going from an almost B to a full C and quite another to say, yeah, I went from an A to a D. That is not repair work, that is 'I want bigger tits' work. But I LOVE them! And Kenneth loves them! I just feel like I need to keep it a secret. I am not one to lie really so if people ask I may go ahead and tell them, but so many people asked already and think C so I think I should keep that a secret and it makes me feel a little naughty and giddy.

Too bad I bought some C bras and even had a friend give me one as a gift in a size that apparently is not my actual size. So I am a size I kinda wanted to be but I do not want people to know that I am but it is kinda cool so That's what Im talkin bout BABY!

33

My birthday was lovely. It really was. I got some yummy doghnuts with candles in them and Kenneth and the girls sang. I really like the card Kenneth got me and he also bought me a Valentine coffee mug that is really cute AND it was 1/2 price! I like that. I also got some super cool surprizes. My cousin works for Woman's Hospital where I had my surgery in accounting and emailed me to say I had been over-charged for my surgery and she would bring me a check on my birthday for $850! That is a BIG refund! WOO HOO!

Then, and this may be my favorite, I got a get well card from my friend Debbie who is a nurse at Woman's and she got some nurses she works with to all sign the card and each one wrote a personal message about how much my bears mean and they collected $50 for Angel Among Us bears. Knowing what I do is making a difference is what means the most to me. Those women did not even know me but they not only collected money but wrote me a personal message. It was so sweet. So encouraging.

I also was taken to lunch by a friend who gave me a gift as well. A sexy red lacy bra in my new size. I can not wear it yet but the intentions were sweet. I can not wear it because the left side is still very high and they are just not exactly fitting into any cups yet. not sure what that is about. I am keeping a photo journal and while they look better, they are just very lopsided right now.

I got a small cookie bouquet and a way cool journal from Erin and my father and mother in law brought supper and cake and ice cream (plus they give me a check-usually $50). My dad came by this weekend and weirdly gave me soap, lotion, a candel and a card with $100. After the New York plane and show ticket from my mom, I feel my cup is overflowing.

The last thing I felt was a huge gift, this one from my Heavenly Father, my tree bloomed this year! Full up and on time! For the first time in 8 or 9 years! My sister bought it for me when I was pregnant for Avery but I did not know I was pregnant yet. I took the test on March 4th, Em's future birthday. Back to the tree; she gave it to me my birthday February 1999. I guess that was 9 years ago then. There was also a lunar eclipse but it was too cloudly and too late to see anything.

All in all, it was a super great birthday. I loved it. That's what I'm talkin' bout BABY!

His Words

This is a vent. Nothing more. It has not even been 2 weeks since all my surgeries. My floor has never been mopped and things are getting gross. I have found Avery's uniforms in Emery's closet and my socks in Em's sock drawer. Kenneth stayed in bed till after 10am and once he got out, he slept on the couch. He also does not feel good. His ear hurts. This is what he said;
"It is like my body responds to you having a need. When you need me, it is like my body reacts by getting sick or something."

I know what I should be doing and what I should not be doing but then there is what needs to be done and what is important to me. I understand that what is important to me may not be best for me physically but what about my mental needs? My emotional wellbeing should be considered too, right?

I know he did not get sick on purpose. He said he did not mean to get sick on me. And really, if you think about it, at least he has a reason to not help and be there for me. It really is worse when he is fine and still does not step up. Now this is funny considering what God told me about needing and trusting him and all. I am just unsure how to proceed when I have needs, the girls have needs, the house has needs. I believe God meets all my needs. I guess He will find a way to get my floor mopped if I just trust Him. Help my unbelief!! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.

Unusual Recovery

I understand my surgery situation is not the norm. For so many reasons. First of all, I feel God's favor and mercy all over my situation. I have not found anyone who has heard of someone who has had as much surgery as me recover so fast. I have been reading a lot of breast augmentation sites on line and I can not believe how easy my recovery has been compaired to what I read. I understand I slept through the worst of the breast aug. recovery. I told my mom I really do not remember a lot of the first few days Post Op.

The sites I read had the first few days of recovery as very difficult. I remember a lot of pressure on my chest. I remember feeling like I worked out my chest too hard. I know I vomited a lot from my pain pump but I also remember thinking it was not that bad considering all my surgeries.

I told 2 friends considering a breast aug. it was easy peesy lemon squeezy. I wonder if I lead them astray. I went to church 11 days after 3 doctors did surgeries on me. Now as far as the breast aug., I did talk to other women who had an easy go themselves. And I was very stretched out already, I have been bigger than I am while nursing. I dunno. Maybe it is just a huge blessing from God. Maybe I am just God's favorite. That's what I'm talkin bout, BABY!

Mistakes

I had a little revelation from God. First He told me NOT to read a book I was reading and I did not listen. So I had horrible pornagraphic dreams that turned bloody and violent before my dumb butt finally realized I needed to obey. I am asking for the Word of my God to bring life and radient life (Prov. 4:20-22) to my family and I can not expect to be rewarded for my blatent disobedience.

I put the book away. No more dreams. Still need radient health because my daughter is breaking my heart. And Kenneth not being well and me recovering and being so uncomfortable with depending on anyone had us fighting yesterday. He was hurt because he did so much that needed to be done while feeling so bad and I found a few things to complain about. I was suprized to know how hurt he was by my complaints. I knew it was not good and tried to keep from doing it. I think I just hated feeling so helpless and dependant. We talked it out. I told him I felt like God told me something about the situation. He told me He used Kenneth getting the flu to show him he needed to step up and take responsibility no matter how he felt. It is something he avoids and finds crutches every chance he gets. This time Kenneth was not only not let off the hook, but he actually had good reason to want to let someone else take the slack. I think Kenneth maybe learned something about himself. I hope he did.

I was NOT off the hook. I needed to trust Kenneth to be there for me when I needed him and my way is not the only way that is right or even better. I need to depend on Kenneth on a much deeper level than I do. I need to NOT depend on myself. I need to trust God. I need to trust Kenneth. He came through. He did. He not only came through, he came through while he had the flu. How can I critize that?!? Yet, I did. And I am sorry.

I am sorry I cleaned up as much as I did. I told myself over and over I was going to take care of my self and not over do it. I want to take care of myself and allow Kenneth to love me and be the father and husband God created him to be. I have been keeping him from what God has planned for his life. He is an amazing man who has overcome so much and shined in so many areas. I am so blessed, yet I act like he is so wrong.

I hear from God and I immediately and joyfully obey. That's what I'm talkin bout baby!

1 week Post-Operations

So I plan to be honest here. I cleared and wiped down the kitchen and bathroom counters today. It hurt. I found socks on the kitchen counter! Like 4 pairs! It is just too much NOT getting done. It truely is in part necessity. Well, a little, anyway.

The problem is I feel good enough to be on my feet for longer periods of time and my cath. came out yesterday and Kenneth is playing the flu card big time. I mean, he ALWAYS does not feel good, I mean e.v.e.r.y. d.a.y. and then when I am down with something (i.e. pregnancy, labor, delivery, whatever) he reeeeaaaally gets to not feeling good. So it is a comical and crule irony that during the time I need him most he actually has something keeping him down.

So what do I do? All the people who say they want to help only can do so much. It is not their fault everything in my house needs to be washed because Avery is spreading her Poison Ivy around and Adrian is coughing on everything and everybody. It is no one's fault the washing machine went out. It is not a friend or family members responsibility to do daily maintainence on the house. That falls to me.

So I sort through the trash and the socks and the girl's school papers and the perscriptions and try not to focus too long on the dirt and grime I see in so many corners. I want to focus on being greatful and thankful for what help I do get and on my quick recovery and on all the blessings and wealth of my life. My breast are looking more normal and how many people get the blessing of a breast augmentation? I am doing a photo journal and have before and one week after so far. While very bruised and mulit-colored right now, I think they look nice. Not crazy or over done, but nice. Time will tell if they are what Im talkin about, baby.

Before and After

I feel like all my days leading up to my surgery were part of one life, and now I am in the next part. Things used to be 'before my surgery ____' and now it is more 'since my surgery ____'.
Watching life happen from the position of being in bed and being hooked to a cathator is not a view I have had much.

My goal is to allow people to care for me (NOT easy!) and to not criticize Kenneth (even HARDer). The girls still come to my bedside and step over the cath. tubing to tell me they are hungry or thirsty. They are calling Kenneth out because he will say something that hurts them, they come tell me and he denys it for a while before they all gang up on him. Bless his heart, this may very well be harder on him than me. I mean he will bring me something to drink and want me to reach for it across the bed where his computer is rather than walk the extra 6 steps to my side. He did not think to heat my food once before giving it to me. I mean that is just him. I am not mad about it. I just see it getting to him because even he can see he is not that great at caring for others.

I bet the one night he stayed in the hospital had more to do with how he thought others precieved him than concern for me. Now I could see it was very hard for him to see me like I was. I just know that when people asked him why he was not at the hospital with me, he felt like people thought less of him.

It makes it both easier and harder to have him do so much for me. I had to bite my tongue when he was fixing Mem's breakfast. She crawled into bed with me and said she had not had breakfast so I asked her what she wanted and told her to go tell her daddy to make it for her. Well, he tends to put stuff in the microwave for much longer than needed. The girls and I put a honey bun in for 8-12 seconds. He does 30. Then it is too hot for too long then it gets chewy. It took every ounce of restraint to not hollar from my bed how long I thought he should put the microwave on. I want him to learn how to do for the girls when I am not around. Normally when I did not pick up the slack in responsibilities, he would call on his mother (who has a staff infection right now) so he would still be able to avoid it.

He needs to take up more responsibilities adn I need to relinquish conrol and stop babying him. I supposed these next 2 weeks will grow us both.

I do not know what to say about my breast at this point. I have only caught a glimps of them in a mirror and have a minimal view looking down my chest. They seem to be very out to the side and not that much bigger. We will see. I was able to stand on my feet today longer than before without getting weak or dizzy but I can tell I am still pretty weak. And this is weird. I have trouble focusing my eyes and speaking. I tried to read the girls a book last night (requiring both vision and speach) and had to stop after a while. Maybe it is the drugs. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.

Snot

I am 3 days away from my surgery which I have been waiting for since May or June from last year and now I am fighting a cold and face snot stopping me! SNOT! I will be better by Wednesday. I WILL! I am knee deep every day in God's Word and the bible says Jesus sent forth His Word and HEALED them (Ps 107:20). Proverbs 4:21-22 says God's Word will penetrate deep within my heart and bring me life & radient health. I will be in RADIENT HEALTH on Wednesday! In Jesus' Name!

On a so very sweet note, I called my father-in-law and expressed concern over not having anything more than a mattress on the floor for company to sleep in while staying here to care for me and the girls during my recovery. I knew there was a bed upstairs but my husband was not that interested in putting it up. So Dad (I am trying to call them Mom and Dad) came over and looked at what we have. He also looked in my fridge and freezer and I was not sure what for. He leaves to go get what was needed for the bed and that was great! I mean, he was going to do whatever was needed to meet my needs (which were really more in the wants than needs). So he calls me from Sams and says 'You do not have enough in your fridge and freezer, tell me what yall eat so I can buy it for yall.'

No one has ever looked at my food and expressed concern over whether I have enough or not. I am not trying to say my parents or other loved ones never tried to meet my needs but this is more than I am used to. I can get so overwhelmed by the concern and care Kenneth's parents show me. I love them so much and it is not about the amount of money they spend on me. It has more to do with how they give to me with no alterior motive. I have never felt in debted to them or like I owed them anything in return. I feel like they want to help me. Not something I am used to.

Thank You Jesus for my family. Help me to love them and modle Christ to them. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.

Eating

With only 5 days left I have had to eat some. A piece of bread and half a plain pancake yesterday, today crackers and spinach and mushrooms. I was just at the point where I was about to buy a WalMart red velvet cake and consume it. I feel like avoiding certain things such as sugar, desserty things, even meat, will still be a sacrifice, but I am just getting to a point that I am not sure I should be. Grouchy, weak, wanting to avoid the girls and stay in bed and sleep or worse, watch tv.

The worse part is my clothes fit again. I mean, that is GREAT. But that should not be the great-est. I have enjoyed God's Word and making more time with Him. I just seem more excited about my pants. Maybe not but I just want so bad to have a right heart. I mean that is why I wanted to do this. To have a right heart. I will seek the Lord until I find Him. Again and again and again! That's what I'm talkin bout BABY!

testimony part 2

I was seeing a guy in Florida so I packed my car up and headed to Florida to look for a job and place to live. I had been there a few weeks and my brother told me he was going home for the summer. He had been in collage in Mississippi. As much as I thought I would never go back to Prairieville, all I wanted was to go home so with my car still packed, I headed home for what I thought would be a long weekend.

My siblings and I had such a good time, I wound up staying. I even took a job that was to last a few weeks. I still intended on going back to Florida mainly for the beach, not the guy. But for now I was having fun. Then on June 13th, I got a phone call that my brother had been in an accident. He was dead at 19. My brother was everybody's favorite and loved life and had so much going for him. I was SO angry it was him and not me. Alcohol was no longer enough to deal with this kind of pain.

I sent for the things I had left in Florida knowing I once again had to step up and take responsibility for my family here. I took a job in a local club as a stripper and when drugs were offered, this time I had no reason to refuse. My pit just kept getting deeper. One night after a shift at the club, a co worker and I went out looking for our drug of choice. The dealer we found liked me and gave us a deal. He also started coming to the club I worked at and soon we hooked up. I had a regular that spent lots of money at the club I worked for and one night he was a little annoyed I was not drinking enough. I never drank much if at all while working but that was not good for the club because they made money off men buying me drinks. I was given a hard time and figured what was the harm in a few drinks so I gave in. They got me so drunk I did not even protest when the customer wanted to take me home. We did so much coke that night I remember being awake for days trying to come down. I was so mad the club sent me home with this guy! That was supposed to be against policy. I was told if the customer pays enough, they would let them do whatever they wanted. I quit that day.

I also decided I needed to sober up because I was way more out of control than I wanted to be. I even decided to get a more respectable job, even if it meant min. wage. 2 weeks later I had another kink in my plan. I was pregnant. I was so thrilled! I had always wanted children and now I had a reason to stay sober and I immedeitly told God I was sorry and I would be good and thank you for my baby. For the first time, I had a reason to live. Not an easy one though. I was not married and the baby was for a black man. Every single person in my family except my 16 year old sister disowned me. I lost my min. wage job because I had no medical coverage to see a Dr. and you have to get a Dr.s approval to work during pregnancy. Kenneth was not able to work because his withdrawl was severe and lasted for months. I did not know what else to do so I took over his job and became a drug dealer.

I also started going back to church. I went back to the one that kicked me out. I did not know where else to go. Determined to do things right for my child, I began volunteering and eventually was put in charge of one of the church ministries and was even offered a staff position. Once Kenneth was able, he began working, like me starting at min. wage and slowly working his way up. We were trying to do what was right and do the family thing and while every day was a struggle, life seemed good.

On August 2nd, I delivered our first daughter. She was stillborn. No reason was ever found for why after a normal, healthy pregnancy, our baby had died. Out of all the hard, dark times I had been through in my life, nothing came close to touching the intensity of the pain I felt from losing my daughter. I feel like I actually shattered. But this time I did NOT run from God.

Kenneth and I eventually married and got pregnant again. I also got kicked out of church again. Same reason, questioning doctrine. I had met a woman at a pg. & infant loss support group and we became best friends. We spent a lot of time together because we both had lost babies and understood each other and one day she invited me to a bible study. I went because I was so broken I was desperate for ANYthing to hold on to. I was pregnant again and when I walked into the bible study, the teacher sees my belly and says, "Oh, todays lesson is just for you!". It was about how sometimes you have to go through labor but the results, like having a baby, make it all worth the struggle. I was so stinkin mad! After the bible study was over I found out when and where they were meeting again and told them I would be back. I planned to go back so I could prove that woman wrong. She obviously had no idea what she was talking about. The second time I went, I do not remember what the lesson was on but hearing the Word of God had done something to me and I was told about having a personal relationship with Christ and that was it. I took hold of my Jesus' Hand and I have not let go since. I was delivered from alcohol when my oldest daughter was about a year old and I even started dancing again while pregnant for my 4th daughter. Only now, I do it for my Savior and realize my beauty is simply a reflection of Him.

Jesus said in John 12:24 unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. It is never easy to experience death, but with Christ, it is always worth it.

Testimony

I believe every Word in the bible is true. I may not always act like it but I believe in the Word of God fully and completely. I believe according to Jer. 1:5 that before I was even concieved, God knew me, He loved me, He set me apart. Eph. 1:4 & 18 tells me that because I have trusted Christ, I am chosen & called. I also believe Romans 8:28 which says all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purposes. I believe Satan knew I was to be a daughter of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords and from as early as I can remember, he tried his best to stop me. He failed.

My childhood was not ideal. It was not as bad as some but I grew up not knowing love or security or acceptance. As the oldest of 4 I had too many responsibilities and to this day I have more of a mother role to my siblings than one of a sister.

I was raised in a Catholic church and while I do not think there is anything wrong with being Catholic, the church I was raised in caused me a lot of pain. I had no knowledge of the Word of God but found myself questioning doctrine. I held on to "God" as tight as I could because I needed something to keep my head above the water. My life was drowning me and I was not trying to cause problems but I questioned things in the church and that did not go over so well. I became know as a trouble maker, I was told I was going to hell and eventually I was kicked out.

Back up a few years before I was ex-communicated and my already difficult life took another dive. At 13 I lost my virginity to date rape. I was very confused and could not seem to find anyone to help me or side with me so I started drinking. By the time I was a Sr. in high school, I was drinking on the way to school in the mornings.

High school brought with it all the trauma most girls experience I guess. But my world was tainted by alcohol and loss of hope. When I was kicked out of church, I felt like I lost my faith. I felt like I had nothing to believe in and was so angry at God I wanted nothing to do with anything I thought He represented. I also began believing that the beauty I possessed was a curse that only caused me hurt and pain. I would think I had finally found love and acceptance and find I was only wanted for what I could give.

As I sank deeper into alcohol and hopelessness, I became desperate for escape. So in order to get away from my life, I joined the Army. I was a military police officer and left for Alabama 21 days after I graduated from high school. Unfortunatly I found myself in the same circumstances just with different people, mostly men. From Alabama I went to Korea for a year and before I was in country 2 weeks, I was raped. He was more up there in rank and had a good reputation and in the end I was told 'sorry for the inconvienence'. That was a rough year. From Korea I went to Georgia where things just continued to get worse.

From the very beginning of my army career I not only dealt with sexual harrasment and assault, but also with being stalked. I just could not believe how often it happened and my beliefs that my beauty was a curse intensified. Once when a stalker forced his way into my house, I had to call 911. The stalker actually convinenced the 2 officers that responded that we were just fighting and I was suicidal and he was just trying to protect me. They left him there with me that night. He slept right next to me in my bed. What could I do? The next day, one of the cops came back to 'check on me'. He said it was obvious I was not happy in the relationship and asked if I would like to go out with him instead.

So I am the type of person that you tell me I am bad, I will show you bad. I had decided if men were going to continue to use and abuse me for my looks, I was going to use that to my advantage. I had always loved to dance so I took a job as a nude dancer at a club downtown. I actually was treated more respectfully as a stripper than in the Army. No one was allowed to touch me or even say ugly things to me. My bags were carried for me, I was walked to and from my car and no one was allowed to leave after me until my car was out of sight so I was never followed home. I had this false sense of power and control not to mention, men paying me just to look. As powerful as I felt, I can not put into words the damage that did to my soul.

So back to my stalkers, I had this one kid that started following me and he was young and after some of the other more serious incidents I had been involved in, I could do little more than roll my eyes at this poor kid. Well, he would up attempting suicide after my repeated refusals. My superiors actually called me in to tell me I was to blame and I could have prevented what had happened.

The police station manager was a guy I was ok with and I barged into his office and unholstered my 9mil. I dropped the mag. out and slid it across his desk. I unchambered the round that was in the gun then forcefully slid that across his desk into his lap. I told him if he was smart, he would not put a gun in my hands again. I told him to find a way, any way to GET ME OUT. I was done. I was sent to an Army shrink and all it took was me telling just a few of my sexual harrasment stories and they quick got me an honorable discharge and all my benefits and even a little extra to keep me from calling Dateline.

half way

so I guess I am half way through. I did give in and eat soup the day of my last post. But considering Kenneth tried to talk me into a pizza buffet and I made it through his fast food runs, I feel ok about soup. I have been licking a lot more spoons that I meant to but maybe I am being too hard on myself.

I want to start compiling my testimony to share at the moms bible study I attend. There is so much to my story and I want to make sure it is something that Glorifies God and only speaks life and not death. I would love the opportunity to share what God has done for me not only for others but to remind myself of His Wonder and Goodness and just the vastness of Love He has showered me with. And I hope to be allowed to dance. I want to show other women how He took my ashes and made Beauty. Thats what Im talkin bout.

4pm and counting

This is the first day I reeeeaaaalllllly just wanted to quit. Yesterday was my first water only day (not counting the small pot of coffee) and this morning I felt so weird. I was dizzy and just felt weird and today was one of my first HUNGRY days. I ate the peelings from Adrian's apple, a pepermint Jane gave me and 2 popcorns while fixing the kids an afterschool snack. I just want to give in and eat ANYthing. I have been drinking juice and I do not think I will do many more (if any) water only days.

Talking to a friend, she said no one does just water on a 21 day fast. Maybe not but they may do just juice. I also have not spent hours and hours in prayer or bible reading. Not sure what I expected. I have kept up with my daily reading plus other Spiritually beneficial endevers. AND I have not wasted as much time vegging in front the tv or computer. Oh. Except the horrid movie Kenneth talked me into watching. It was funny but full of nudity and casual crazy monkey sex. Not good for a time of seeking God. But then I think, do I want to shut Kenneth totally out? He spends so much time on other things I will have nothing to do with. I do not want him to think I am playing the Holier than thou game with him. It is not an excuse to sin! Seriously. I feel so much spiritual distance from him already I am careful not to create more.

If I were closer to the end I may have more endurance so for now all I can do is wait for this day to end and hope tomorrow (and the next 11 days) are easier. I am re-evaluating the plan I started with. I think I will do juice every day and maybe even soup or fruits and veggies on weekends. I have rasins and trail mix that I may need before this day ends. It does not help I really like what I made the family for supper. Neither does it help that I think my pants fit better too. I have not weighed so that is one goal I have stuck to but I keep thinking I may have lost the 5 pounds I wanted so now is a good time to eat again.

Denying the flesh and empathising with the poor is supposed to be part of fasting so maybe I just need to Praise through this. I can do all things through Christ. That's what I'm talkin bout Jesus.

Still Going...

One week ago today I started a fast and while I licked a few spoons and fingers I am hanging in there. I have to say I am supprised that this is harder on a mental level than a physical one. I mean, I am hungry and I am trying to avoid being around food but it is not that bad. I almost feel like Weight Watchers was harder at times as far as hunger goes. I keep wanting to eat out of habit or bordom or for pleasure. I have kept up on my bible readings and have done some other things as well. I have tried to not waste idle time and have kept up with more household chores than usual. Funny what I can get done when I am not wasting time. I do see that I have more to do than I can handle though. I will never catch up and that is going to have to be ok. I will keep on keeping on and not let my joy be stolen.

Today I heard something from God that was lovely. I am not under the control of anything other than the Spirit of God. Not sugar, not coffee, not anything other than the Spirit of God. I want to be able to have A piece of cake or A serving of something delicious and not sin in my eating. Whatever I eat or drink or whatever I do, let it all be for the glory of God.

I have to admit I am still thinking about the scale and my pants size and how this fast could get me to my goal weight and I know that is not the mindset I want to have. If I am not under the control of any foods, I CAN be my goal weight and have my pants fit properly and not be too tight and uncomfortable. I just see I am not where I want to be. I am still seeking God's hand instead of His face. I have 13 days left to get there. That's what I'm talking about.

21 Day Fast

Can I blog about this? I always have the feeling it is never read so it is not like I am bragging or even letting everyone know what I am doing.

I decided to join my church in a corporate 21 day fast to start the new year. I want to stop talking about moving to a new level with God and start DOing. I have a few goals, persay, for 2008. My God Word for the Haynes family is joy. My prayer is for every member of my family to hear God's voice more, better, louder, whatever.

Kenneth wants to get our finances in order (which is an answer to a long going prayer for me) so of course I want to do whatever is necessary to accomplish that.

Personally, I want to read the entire bible in a year and finally LISTEN to what God has been telling me about my eating habits and the way I treat my body (the temple of the Holy Spirit). I have been praying about eating better and He has REALLY been speaking to me about that but I have not acted yet. Well, not before today anyway.

My clothes (the ones I can still get into) are all uncomfortable but it is not just that. It is not a dress size or number on the scale. My family has horrible eating habbits! How in the world can I teach them right when I refuse to do right? It matters not that they see me eat the salad and not sneak the 3 pieces of cake with extra icing and ice cream. God has shown me I have moved into sinning when I eat. He wants me to stop, I want to stop and I want my heart to be more interested in glorifing God and not grieving the Holy Spirit within me than how I look in my pants.

I am doing this fast for God. To hear Him, to seek Him, to finally move into that next level of intimate relationship with Him. I am on day 1. Of 21. It sounds so scary. Today was good though. My bible study brought me to 1 Cor 10:31 that says whatever I eat or drink, whatever I do must all be for the glory of God. I have failed in this area so much but I am ready to repent and start fresh.

My daily bible reading just happened to be on fasting. Hmm. I hear my Father. He says He loves me. He says I can trust Him. He says He will help me. He will show me new things if I will follow Him. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.

2008

It is a new year; 2008. My church, HPC (www.healingplacechurch.org) is reading the bible in a year. I have never done that. I plan to give it a go. My prayer for this year is for my family to hear God's Voice when He speaks to us and to support my husband's goals. I would also like to have more joy in my home. We choose joy despite our circumstances and I want to have more positive than negative this year.

He wants to keep his desk clean and get out of debt (which means stop spending huge amounts on our credit cards). The get out of debt thing will not be easy but I HOPE and PRAY he will stop the out of control credit card charging. My surgery is going to cost us a lot and I hope the medical bills will give him a practical reminder of his goals. I want to be positive with him and not critical. When I am critical, I know it makes it that much harder for him to follow through.

The girls and I have been watching Hairspray and we really love it. I had to explain some things because it is set back in 1962 and is about intergration and segragation. Also, they smoke and drink while pregnant because they were not aware of the dangers yet. I was quite amused when yesterday my 5 year old asked if it was ok for black people to marry white people. I asked her if she didn't think her daddy and I looked different from each other but I think I embarassed because she was like, Oh sure, I know. I was just talking about on the movie. I am not sure what she thinks. I guess it can be confusing to them. We never differentiate when people are white or black so maybe it is harder for her to tell. Especially with me being dark and her daddy being light. So now I have to decide if that is good or bad. Well, not really. I will just let it be and have joy that she does not understand prejudice.

I am getting excited about my surgery and hope I stay saved through my recovery. I plan to blog quite a bit about it. Fixed insides and new boobs. That's what Im talkin about.

Follow up post to Shopping for a hooker

this is why I shopped for a Hooker. For this outreach. I wanted to go but I think I chickened out. Still, I was a part.
Outreach Testimonies: Part 2
I got this note for the people of HPC from Alliece Cole - written by Donna Frank after a very special outreach a few days ago:
‘Twas the Midnight Before Christmas
192 roses, 3 strip clubs, 2 Hooters restaurants and Bennie’s Bar
The Alamo is quiet tonight…dozens of rooms left empty after a rash of break-ins forced people to seek safer housing. The man working security tells us we should go; that it’s not safe. We smile and thank him for his concern. We give his girlfriend a rose and a gift bag. She hugs us and thanks us profusely. He is skeptical but takes the box of chocolates we offer him. We wish them a Merry Christmas and get back in the shuttle. We talk to several more women before we leave; each one of them confused by our presence but clearly grateful. For most, we are their only reminder that Christmas is good.
The ladies working at the clubs are equally confused by us. They struggle to maintain composure as the peek into their gift bags to look at the earrings, chocolates, trinkets and gifts. Excitement replaces skepticism as they start pulling out their small treasures. A bouncer tells us that these are the best gifts these ladies will receive.
The bags contain mostly HPWomen leftovers: sparkly crowns, head bands, t-shirts, coffee mugs, jewelry, hand lotion and fancy chocolates. They also contain the necessities of life: tissue, breath mints, Tylenol and a copy of Pastor Dino’s book, Turning Points - everything a girl needs to get through the holidays.
The streets always hold an undercurrent of desperation, but this near to Christmas, everything is magnified. The tears are closer, the rage is hotter, and everything can turn on a dime. That’s why we’re there. We want to be available when people are willing to turn… we want them to have an option other than violence, drugs or hatred. Jesus is never closer to people than when they’re on the edge. Tonight, you allowed us to walk the edge with them.
Your prayers, your support, your commitment and your willingness to serve is what opens the door for us to walk the streets at midnight and pray for the people. You allow us to bring light to a dark and discarded world. You bring hope to the hopeless. You love the unlovable. You are the hands of Jesus.
Drug addicts, prostitutes, pimps and dancers were reminded tonight that they are not forgotten. God didn’t forget them, and neither did Healing Place Church. Thank you for enabling us to be a healing place for a hurting world.
All for His glory.

Happy Birthday Jesus

Well, I miss Disney, but Christmas was still ok. I still find it hard to only see the Wonder of Christ's birth in the midst of the gifts, food, traveling and especially through the humaness that makes up family. I think Disney was so magical for me because while I have had wonderful family vacations with my own husband and children, this was a trip I had been on as a child that held less than magical memories. Kinda like Christmas and holidays. Momma often talks about the wonderful family get togethers we had and here I remember anything but joy. I remember her anger and disappointment and there is still the running family joke of who will get blamed for ruining the current family holiday or event for her. Rachel took Christmas this year. ; )
Disney was a good replay; like a do-over that was a lovely reminder that the past does not determine my present or future. Alas, the holidays still have parts of the past chained to them. I try to learn that it is my choice in how I react to those parts. My emotions and scars just still rule me more than I care to admit. Thanks to my Savior, I can try again tomorrow to honor Him and allow Love to reign in my life. That is what I'm talkin about.

He Speaks to me

While I SOO want to blog about the magical wonder that is Disney and the most incredible time we had, I have to say this first. Church Sunday was preached by Pricilla Shire. I have only done one bible study of hers but it was FAB. Church Sunday was FABULOUS. She taught that if you are a Christian, God will speak to you. He will. That is Truth. We need to accept that for what it is.

So yesterday I had some great things happen, mainly I prayed and asked for at least $200 in TS orders and I got right at $1000. Today I woke up not knowing how I was going to accomplish my TO DO list. I had to find the time and money to go to the post office and mail a bunch of stuff and possibly give up my weekend to hand deliver some stuff to Lake Charles (only 3 hours away). Rachel called and asked if she could give me my weekend back by asking mom to bring the girls and stuff to LC without me (YES!!!-well, almost. Have not heard from mom yet). Also, I found enough cards, card sized gifts and a TON of stamps so all I had to do was brave Hwy 73 and put the stuff all ready to go in the mail box. Also, I had on my list to go buy some stuff for Avery's class (more time and money) and got an early morning email saying I did not have to, some one else took care of it for me. AND THEN! I brought Em's blanket to get monogramed and they said Thursday it would be ready but called today to say it was done!! AND I have time to go get it because of all the other places I do NOT have to go. That's what I'm talkin' bout BABY!!!