The Fog Finally Lifts

I went into the plastic surgon's office today and the nurse asked me how I was feeling. I told her I was way out of it and very confused and mentally this recovery was much harder than the last one. I could not walk in a stright line and Kenneth had to help me do everything including go to the bathroom. Melissa (the nurse) looks at me and asks if that is my nausea patch behind my ear. I told her yes and she said that was why and I should take it off right away.

Tonight I can read and write (type) and have a conversation and my depth perception is back to normal and I am not sleeping all day and I just feel normal again. And how about these apples; Kenneth actually took good care of me! He was nice to me almost the whole time. ; )

Now, about my breast. Despite the blood and stitches, I think I can see a difference already. Now the paranoid part of me feels the bottom of the breast that still feels empty and deflated and I am horrified to think this 2nd surgery is not going to work. I guess it is the old part of me that believes God will punish me for doing something others may judge un-Christlike. Today is Thursday and the surgery was Tuesday so it is pretty un-realistic to expect final results right now. Maybe it is because I have final results on the right already. I mean really, is life not about more than food and clothes? (Mat 6:25 & Lu12:23)

I will continue to seek God and fear the Lord so I may have health and vitality. A healthy boob. That's what Im talkin bout baby.

Surgery

My surgery is tomorrow. I would like to be too busy to think about it until it is time to go. Grr. I just want to be a two year old about this and stomp my feet and scream IT'S NOT FAIR! I prayed before the first surgery that this exact thing would not happen and that I would not need a second surgery and here I am going into my second surgery and not sure how to pray before this one. I would LOVE to come away from this with another easy recovery and results on the left like on the right. I would love for 6 weeks from now to be saying it was all worth it in the end. At least I am not one of those people scared of surgery and being put under. The only thing I am concerned about is going through all this again, putting out all the money for this surgery and wind up having to have the implants removed all together. I love the one! More than I thought I would. I just want to learn what I am supposed to learn (rest????) and have beautiful breast. It is funny how that was never on my wish list before.

I did not trust Kenneth very good last time. I will try to be a better paitent and allow him to care for me and the girls without micromanaging him. Really. I will. I will try harder than last time.

I would like to book a bunch of TS parties too. I want to make more money. I think. Maybe. I did back out of the New York trip. Kenneth asked me once if I really thought that would ever actually go through and I have to admit, I really had hopes for it too. Then again, Rachel and I did not respond the way we did when we were told about it if we actually thought our mother would pay for us to fly to New York and see a Broadway show. It never made sense on any level and I must say I feel a lot better not being under that 'gift' anymore. It is so much more familiar for us to not go. No one offers a gift like that to someone then asks for money to buy food because they have not had food in the house for 3 days. The latter is familiar. I do not want to go off on that topic. I need to clear my mind and focus of perfect lovely breast. Now, thats what Im talkin bout BABY!

Reading List and a Random thought or two

As is the norm for me, I am reading many things at once. Some more than others. Here is my current list:

1. The Bible. More specificly Numbers and Mark.
2. The Beloved Disciple by Beth Moore. As great as I find this one, I am not giving it much priority. Maybe during my 2nd recovery from surgery it will get more play.
3. Loved by God by Liz Curtis Higgs. This is actually a bible study the Moms group at my church is working on. I enjoy it a lot and waiver from giving it full attention and rushing through the lessons to get to something else I am working on.
4. Prayer Portions by Sylvia Gunter accompanied by the daily study guide written for Prayer Portions by Amy Bills. One or the other is deeper than I take the time for but I love it. One days lesson in the study guide could easily take me a week and I would not have done much more than waded into the waters.
5. The Final Quest by Rick Joyner. This one I begrudgingly started at the pressing of a good and respected friend and now I do not want to put it down. Also it is one of those books that jump starts me into wanting to give myself more fully to Christ and here come the random thoughts.

I want to be more fully committed but I feel my life and circumstances does not allow that. For example; I will not watch a movie my husband downloads that is not released yet where as he has no problem doing so. On the other hand I will watch just about any movie out no matter how vile or perverted it is. I justify this by saying I gotta have something in common with my husband besides our children. Am I holding back me or him?

I do not want to be so desensitized to evil and I know some areas I dabble I should not but other areas I am not sure about. The Final Quest talks about the good vs. evil thing and Christians are on both sides. The ones on the evil side are decived and believe they are on God's side and are fighting for Him when in reality Satan is just using the crap outta them to defeat their own. Part of me wants to know where I stand. I am not a seer and find myself so oblivious sometimes to what is going on around me. Part of me wants to have a glimps of which side I am fighting for but the other part of me is so content to have no idea and just continue blindly on. Man, I sound so LAZY and lukewarm. Bleck!

I know I want to fight for Jesus not against Him. I just gotta decide how much I am willing to pay. How much of a sacrifice am I willing to give. How much am I willing to die so He can reign? Stupid flesh! I hate the influence it has over me.

One more random thought. Kenneth is upset and got on me about not doing enough laundry and house work. He says he has to work and does as much as he can on his days off. I am doing quite a bit more than I should and am facing even more limitations with this next surgery and I am not sure where to go with this. He pointed out I should be fine now because it has been almost 6 weeks and I pointed out he stopped helping after less than one week and he spends lots of his off days with his computers and scratching his balls. He said touche' but now what.

It is too easy to think I am a good Christian while judging him. I do not want to be used by Satan to bring both he and I down. Can someone help me get this plank out of my eye? It is going to scratch my monitor. Jesus is my banner of victory (1 Cor 15:57). That's what Im talkin bout baby!

Up and Down

I suppose it is normal. I cried all morning. One minute I feel strong and like I can handle everything and the next I seem to have lost all faith. One minute I have the right perspective, the next it is so very lost and I just want to have the biggest pity party. I understand the lack of truth, but I actually compaired this to losing Rya. Let me elaborate. I am the only one of my group of friends (which is large) that has lost a baby to stillbirth. Now, of allll the people we know who have implants, I am the one who winds up needing a re-do.

Then there is the issue of Kenneth and his inability to be healthy when I need care. As soon as I could hold my own, he stepped back with what little he managed. Again, easy to slip into the whole pity party. Poor me, not enough help, too much work, blah, blah, blah.

I know it will all be fine. I just gotta get through it. And this is a little funny but I kinda have to tell lots of people I have to have another surgery and I am so mad it is the aug! I do NOT want to tell just anybody about that part of it. It was easy to leave that part out with alll the other stuff I had done now the only thing that is being spotlighted is my breast. I hated wearing the medical bra because it seemed so obvious and I felt it drew attention to my breast. Now I will have drains and have more to wear than before (medical bra plus an additional band). I will not be able to do as much physically and I fear my lack of mobility will be a tale tell sign.

I must still have more guilt issues otherwise I would not worry as much about secrecy. Then again, I believe it is normal to not want to discuss a boob job with my Paw Paw who is in his late 80's. I dunno. I know in the back of my mind I still question whether I deserve to spend this kind of money on myself and it is a sort of taboo topic, especially in a Christian world. I mean it is kinda crazy how the times can complicate biblical standards. Today a breast augmentation is compaired to make up or hair high lights or even home improvements. Then again, there is the whole 'why change what God made' side. I have to be sure of myself and the choices I make. I do not want to be up and down. I need a steady foundation. I have One. I just need more time with Him. That's what I'm talkin about.

Capsulation

I finally got in to see the doctor. The nurse lead me to the exam room and asked how I was doing. I told her I was nervous and she told me not to worry and asked what side I was concerned about. Then she turned around and looked at me. I had slipped my jacket off and she said, 'Oh, I see. It looks like it is in capulation.' The doctor walked in took one look and told me surgery was my only option. So I scheduled my surgery for March 18th which is only a few days after I should be pronounced 'fully recovered' from my January 30th surgeries.

I have to admit I was very upset at first and of course second guessed the decission to even have such an unneccessary surgery and wondered if I heard God wrong and thought about the extented recovery and how a $4100 surgery is turning into a $4750 surgery with higher risks the 2nd time around. I had quite the pity party. Kenneth was great though and spoke with wisdom and compassion and support. He really loves his boobs! Bless his heart!

Funny side note!! I often say 'Bless his/her heart!' and recently at church that was the title of the message. The Pastor informed us 'bless your heart' translates to 'You are an idiot". So TRUE!!

So, the doctor is not charging me but I do have to pay for supplies, etc which is $650 and I just so happen to have gotten a refund that is more than that and normally I would have had to book the surgery 6 months out but they had a cancellation on March 18th that I was able to take. I kept getting little reminders that some people are struggling with their health and I am struggling for the perfect breasts so I got a little better perspective. I also took a few minutes, climbed into my Father's Lap and let Him love on me and accepted that even if I did hear Him wrong and did not have His blessing for a boob job, He was still with me and loves me and has had His Hand on all that has come my way. I listened to Nicole C. Mullen sing Convinced and felt my God's Presence so it's all good.

Then of course, I wound up getting personal with the nurse and she told me about the baby she lost 12 years ago and I was able to share some of my story with her and validate her feelings for her baby when she did not think she had that right. How sweet of God to use me because of a broken boob. That's what I'm talkin bout BABY!

Lyrics to Convienced:
I don’t know if light is brighter
In the earth or the soul
I don’t know which night is darker
The one I do or don’t know
Chorus: But I’m convinced
I’m persuaded
I will not be separated
From the love
I have in You
‘Cause neither death or life can severe
Neither height or depth could measure the love You have
And my love for You

The wind will blow on everybody
And rain will fall on us all
And if the, weather of my lifeIs not like I want it, still
I’ll survive thru the storm

I‘ll give it all

I made the call

One of my breast is so very beautiful. The other is not. I have been trying to wait it out and only have one person I know that has implants to run things by. But it has been 6 or 7 years since hers and she has different kinds and blah blah blah and even though she has been telling me it took her a lot longer than where I am at to settle into her final result, it has really been a worry on my mind to have the issues I am having.

So I kept trying to talk myself out of calling but today I just decided, let me just call them, get it over with, and have them tell me I am being parinoid and to get over myself and be paitent. That is NOT what they told me. Apparently it is not as normal as I hoped to have the issues I do so they want me to come in. She even mentioned a possible 2nd surgery. *insert big fat sad face*. What a bummer. I will try to stay positive till the doctor sees me and I know for sure what I am up against but man. Man.

I am so very glad I called and almost wish I had sooner (although the doctor is not in at all this week so I would still be waiting till next week to see him). It may not even big that big of a deal even at the worst case senerio but who wants to pay that much and go through recovery to wind up needing additional treatment. I am glad I decided to do the photo journal too because it also shows the problem but all it takes is a look at my breast to see the issues. Even in clothes it is obvious one implant is much higher than the other. I often put a shirt on and it is too obvious so I need to change.

It could be worse and I still get tons of compliments and not only do other people think I look slimmer but I do too. Who knew the results could be this good. One the one side anyway. Both sides will eventually be lovely, I am sure. In Jesus' name, right? That's what I'm talkin bout.

My New Secret!

I have been keeping a photo journal of my breast augmentation recovery and while my recovery has been incredible, I was quite upset with my 3 week pics. First I could not find a bra that worked and had the crazy notion I would be in a sports bra forever. Then, even though I read that a normal recovery is much more tramatic than mine, I keep fighting panic that the left side will never drop like the right has. I keep thinking I will need a second surgery or live with a deformity and just basicly being silly.

So kinda spur of the moment, I went bra shopping. I looked and looked and could not find exactly what I wanted then finally tried on a few with devestating results. I thought to myself, these C cups are just not big enough! Then I realized no one ever told me I was a C. As far as facts go, I have implants that are 400cc's. People ask me my new size and I always say 36C. No idea why if I think about it.

So I went got the bras I thought woud work in D cups and what do you know? They fit wonderfully! I am a D. A 36D! OK, so. Here is where I am on that note:

First of all, a certain part of me wanted to say 'if I am gonna do this, then let's do this! Let's go Jessica Rabbit!' But it is like I told Kenneth, it is one thing to say I wanted to repair pregnancy and breast feeding damage by going from an almost B to a full C and quite another to say, yeah, I went from an A to a D. That is not repair work, that is 'I want bigger tits' work. But I LOVE them! And Kenneth loves them! I just feel like I need to keep it a secret. I am not one to lie really so if people ask I may go ahead and tell them, but so many people asked already and think C so I think I should keep that a secret and it makes me feel a little naughty and giddy.

Too bad I bought some C bras and even had a friend give me one as a gift in a size that apparently is not my actual size. So I am a size I kinda wanted to be but I do not want people to know that I am but it is kinda cool so That's what Im talkin bout BABY!

33

My birthday was lovely. It really was. I got some yummy doghnuts with candles in them and Kenneth and the girls sang. I really like the card Kenneth got me and he also bought me a Valentine coffee mug that is really cute AND it was 1/2 price! I like that. I also got some super cool surprizes. My cousin works for Woman's Hospital where I had my surgery in accounting and emailed me to say I had been over-charged for my surgery and she would bring me a check on my birthday for $850! That is a BIG refund! WOO HOO!

Then, and this may be my favorite, I got a get well card from my friend Debbie who is a nurse at Woman's and she got some nurses she works with to all sign the card and each one wrote a personal message about how much my bears mean and they collected $50 for Angel Among Us bears. Knowing what I do is making a difference is what means the most to me. Those women did not even know me but they not only collected money but wrote me a personal message. It was so sweet. So encouraging.

I also was taken to lunch by a friend who gave me a gift as well. A sexy red lacy bra in my new size. I can not wear it yet but the intentions were sweet. I can not wear it because the left side is still very high and they are just not exactly fitting into any cups yet. not sure what that is about. I am keeping a photo journal and while they look better, they are just very lopsided right now.

I got a small cookie bouquet and a way cool journal from Erin and my father and mother in law brought supper and cake and ice cream (plus they give me a check-usually $50). My dad came by this weekend and weirdly gave me soap, lotion, a candel and a card with $100. After the New York plane and show ticket from my mom, I feel my cup is overflowing.

The last thing I felt was a huge gift, this one from my Heavenly Father, my tree bloomed this year! Full up and on time! For the first time in 8 or 9 years! My sister bought it for me when I was pregnant for Avery but I did not know I was pregnant yet. I took the test on March 4th, Em's future birthday. Back to the tree; she gave it to me my birthday February 1999. I guess that was 9 years ago then. There was also a lunar eclipse but it was too cloudly and too late to see anything.

All in all, it was a super great birthday. I loved it. That's what I'm talkin' bout BABY!

His Words

This is a vent. Nothing more. It has not even been 2 weeks since all my surgeries. My floor has never been mopped and things are getting gross. I have found Avery's uniforms in Emery's closet and my socks in Em's sock drawer. Kenneth stayed in bed till after 10am and once he got out, he slept on the couch. He also does not feel good. His ear hurts. This is what he said;
"It is like my body responds to you having a need. When you need me, it is like my body reacts by getting sick or something."

I know what I should be doing and what I should not be doing but then there is what needs to be done and what is important to me. I understand that what is important to me may not be best for me physically but what about my mental needs? My emotional wellbeing should be considered too, right?

I know he did not get sick on purpose. He said he did not mean to get sick on me. And really, if you think about it, at least he has a reason to not help and be there for me. It really is worse when he is fine and still does not step up. Now this is funny considering what God told me about needing and trusting him and all. I am just unsure how to proceed when I have needs, the girls have needs, the house has needs. I believe God meets all my needs. I guess He will find a way to get my floor mopped if I just trust Him. Help my unbelief!! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.

Unusual Recovery

I understand my surgery situation is not the norm. For so many reasons. First of all, I feel God's favor and mercy all over my situation. I have not found anyone who has heard of someone who has had as much surgery as me recover so fast. I have been reading a lot of breast augmentation sites on line and I can not believe how easy my recovery has been compaired to what I read. I understand I slept through the worst of the breast aug. recovery. I told my mom I really do not remember a lot of the first few days Post Op.

The sites I read had the first few days of recovery as very difficult. I remember a lot of pressure on my chest. I remember feeling like I worked out my chest too hard. I know I vomited a lot from my pain pump but I also remember thinking it was not that bad considering all my surgeries.

I told 2 friends considering a breast aug. it was easy peesy lemon squeezy. I wonder if I lead them astray. I went to church 11 days after 3 doctors did surgeries on me. Now as far as the breast aug., I did talk to other women who had an easy go themselves. And I was very stretched out already, I have been bigger than I am while nursing. I dunno. Maybe it is just a huge blessing from God. Maybe I am just God's favorite. That's what I'm talkin bout, BABY!

Mistakes

I had a little revelation from God. First He told me NOT to read a book I was reading and I did not listen. So I had horrible pornagraphic dreams that turned bloody and violent before my dumb butt finally realized I needed to obey. I am asking for the Word of my God to bring life and radient life (Prov. 4:20-22) to my family and I can not expect to be rewarded for my blatent disobedience.

I put the book away. No more dreams. Still need radient health because my daughter is breaking my heart. And Kenneth not being well and me recovering and being so uncomfortable with depending on anyone had us fighting yesterday. He was hurt because he did so much that needed to be done while feeling so bad and I found a few things to complain about. I was suprized to know how hurt he was by my complaints. I knew it was not good and tried to keep from doing it. I think I just hated feeling so helpless and dependant. We talked it out. I told him I felt like God told me something about the situation. He told me He used Kenneth getting the flu to show him he needed to step up and take responsibility no matter how he felt. It is something he avoids and finds crutches every chance he gets. This time Kenneth was not only not let off the hook, but he actually had good reason to want to let someone else take the slack. I think Kenneth maybe learned something about himself. I hope he did.

I was NOT off the hook. I needed to trust Kenneth to be there for me when I needed him and my way is not the only way that is right or even better. I need to depend on Kenneth on a much deeper level than I do. I need to NOT depend on myself. I need to trust God. I need to trust Kenneth. He came through. He did. He not only came through, he came through while he had the flu. How can I critize that?!? Yet, I did. And I am sorry.

I am sorry I cleaned up as much as I did. I told myself over and over I was going to take care of my self and not over do it. I want to take care of myself and allow Kenneth to love me and be the father and husband God created him to be. I have been keeping him from what God has planned for his life. He is an amazing man who has overcome so much and shined in so many areas. I am so blessed, yet I act like he is so wrong.

I hear from God and I immediately and joyfully obey. That's what I'm talkin bout baby!

1 week Post-Operations

So I plan to be honest here. I cleared and wiped down the kitchen and bathroom counters today. It hurt. I found socks on the kitchen counter! Like 4 pairs! It is just too much NOT getting done. It truely is in part necessity. Well, a little, anyway.

The problem is I feel good enough to be on my feet for longer periods of time and my cath. came out yesterday and Kenneth is playing the flu card big time. I mean, he ALWAYS does not feel good, I mean e.v.e.r.y. d.a.y. and then when I am down with something (i.e. pregnancy, labor, delivery, whatever) he reeeeaaaally gets to not feeling good. So it is a comical and crule irony that during the time I need him most he actually has something keeping him down.

So what do I do? All the people who say they want to help only can do so much. It is not their fault everything in my house needs to be washed because Avery is spreading her Poison Ivy around and Adrian is coughing on everything and everybody. It is no one's fault the washing machine went out. It is not a friend or family members responsibility to do daily maintainence on the house. That falls to me.

So I sort through the trash and the socks and the girl's school papers and the perscriptions and try not to focus too long on the dirt and grime I see in so many corners. I want to focus on being greatful and thankful for what help I do get and on my quick recovery and on all the blessings and wealth of my life. My breast are looking more normal and how many people get the blessing of a breast augmentation? I am doing a photo journal and have before and one week after so far. While very bruised and mulit-colored right now, I think they look nice. Not crazy or over done, but nice. Time will tell if they are what Im talkin about, baby.

Before and After

I feel like all my days leading up to my surgery were part of one life, and now I am in the next part. Things used to be 'before my surgery ____' and now it is more 'since my surgery ____'.
Watching life happen from the position of being in bed and being hooked to a cathator is not a view I have had much.

My goal is to allow people to care for me (NOT easy!) and to not criticize Kenneth (even HARDer). The girls still come to my bedside and step over the cath. tubing to tell me they are hungry or thirsty. They are calling Kenneth out because he will say something that hurts them, they come tell me and he denys it for a while before they all gang up on him. Bless his heart, this may very well be harder on him than me. I mean he will bring me something to drink and want me to reach for it across the bed where his computer is rather than walk the extra 6 steps to my side. He did not think to heat my food once before giving it to me. I mean that is just him. I am not mad about it. I just see it getting to him because even he can see he is not that great at caring for others.

I bet the one night he stayed in the hospital had more to do with how he thought others precieved him than concern for me. Now I could see it was very hard for him to see me like I was. I just know that when people asked him why he was not at the hospital with me, he felt like people thought less of him.

It makes it both easier and harder to have him do so much for me. I had to bite my tongue when he was fixing Mem's breakfast. She crawled into bed with me and said she had not had breakfast so I asked her what she wanted and told her to go tell her daddy to make it for her. Well, he tends to put stuff in the microwave for much longer than needed. The girls and I put a honey bun in for 8-12 seconds. He does 30. Then it is too hot for too long then it gets chewy. It took every ounce of restraint to not hollar from my bed how long I thought he should put the microwave on. I want him to learn how to do for the girls when I am not around. Normally when I did not pick up the slack in responsibilities, he would call on his mother (who has a staff infection right now) so he would still be able to avoid it.

He needs to take up more responsibilities adn I need to relinquish conrol and stop babying him. I supposed these next 2 weeks will grow us both.

I do not know what to say about my breast at this point. I have only caught a glimps of them in a mirror and have a minimal view looking down my chest. They seem to be very out to the side and not that much bigger. We will see. I was able to stand on my feet today longer than before without getting weak or dizzy but I can tell I am still pretty weak. And this is weird. I have trouble focusing my eyes and speaking. I tried to read the girls a book last night (requiring both vision and speach) and had to stop after a while. Maybe it is the drugs. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.

Snot

I am 3 days away from my surgery which I have been waiting for since May or June from last year and now I am fighting a cold and face snot stopping me! SNOT! I will be better by Wednesday. I WILL! I am knee deep every day in God's Word and the bible says Jesus sent forth His Word and HEALED them (Ps 107:20). Proverbs 4:21-22 says God's Word will penetrate deep within my heart and bring me life & radient health. I will be in RADIENT HEALTH on Wednesday! In Jesus' Name!

On a so very sweet note, I called my father-in-law and expressed concern over not having anything more than a mattress on the floor for company to sleep in while staying here to care for me and the girls during my recovery. I knew there was a bed upstairs but my husband was not that interested in putting it up. So Dad (I am trying to call them Mom and Dad) came over and looked at what we have. He also looked in my fridge and freezer and I was not sure what for. He leaves to go get what was needed for the bed and that was great! I mean, he was going to do whatever was needed to meet my needs (which were really more in the wants than needs). So he calls me from Sams and says 'You do not have enough in your fridge and freezer, tell me what yall eat so I can buy it for yall.'

No one has ever looked at my food and expressed concern over whether I have enough or not. I am not trying to say my parents or other loved ones never tried to meet my needs but this is more than I am used to. I can get so overwhelmed by the concern and care Kenneth's parents show me. I love them so much and it is not about the amount of money they spend on me. It has more to do with how they give to me with no alterior motive. I have never felt in debted to them or like I owed them anything in return. I feel like they want to help me. Not something I am used to.

Thank You Jesus for my family. Help me to love them and modle Christ to them. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.

Eating

With only 5 days left I have had to eat some. A piece of bread and half a plain pancake yesterday, today crackers and spinach and mushrooms. I was just at the point where I was about to buy a WalMart red velvet cake and consume it. I feel like avoiding certain things such as sugar, desserty things, even meat, will still be a sacrifice, but I am just getting to a point that I am not sure I should be. Grouchy, weak, wanting to avoid the girls and stay in bed and sleep or worse, watch tv.

The worse part is my clothes fit again. I mean, that is GREAT. But that should not be the great-est. I have enjoyed God's Word and making more time with Him. I just seem more excited about my pants. Maybe not but I just want so bad to have a right heart. I mean that is why I wanted to do this. To have a right heart. I will seek the Lord until I find Him. Again and again and again! That's what I'm talkin bout BABY!

testimony part 2

I was seeing a guy in Florida so I packed my car up and headed to Florida to look for a job and place to live. I had been there a few weeks and my brother told me he was going home for the summer. He had been in collage in Mississippi. As much as I thought I would never go back to Prairieville, all I wanted was to go home so with my car still packed, I headed home for what I thought would be a long weekend.

My siblings and I had such a good time, I wound up staying. I even took a job that was to last a few weeks. I still intended on going back to Florida mainly for the beach, not the guy. But for now I was having fun. Then on June 13th, I got a phone call that my brother had been in an accident. He was dead at 19. My brother was everybody's favorite and loved life and had so much going for him. I was SO angry it was him and not me. Alcohol was no longer enough to deal with this kind of pain.

I sent for the things I had left in Florida knowing I once again had to step up and take responsibility for my family here. I took a job in a local club as a stripper and when drugs were offered, this time I had no reason to refuse. My pit just kept getting deeper. One night after a shift at the club, a co worker and I went out looking for our drug of choice. The dealer we found liked me and gave us a deal. He also started coming to the club I worked at and soon we hooked up. I had a regular that spent lots of money at the club I worked for and one night he was a little annoyed I was not drinking enough. I never drank much if at all while working but that was not good for the club because they made money off men buying me drinks. I was given a hard time and figured what was the harm in a few drinks so I gave in. They got me so drunk I did not even protest when the customer wanted to take me home. We did so much coke that night I remember being awake for days trying to come down. I was so mad the club sent me home with this guy! That was supposed to be against policy. I was told if the customer pays enough, they would let them do whatever they wanted. I quit that day.

I also decided I needed to sober up because I was way more out of control than I wanted to be. I even decided to get a more respectable job, even if it meant min. wage. 2 weeks later I had another kink in my plan. I was pregnant. I was so thrilled! I had always wanted children and now I had a reason to stay sober and I immedeitly told God I was sorry and I would be good and thank you for my baby. For the first time, I had a reason to live. Not an easy one though. I was not married and the baby was for a black man. Every single person in my family except my 16 year old sister disowned me. I lost my min. wage job because I had no medical coverage to see a Dr. and you have to get a Dr.s approval to work during pregnancy. Kenneth was not able to work because his withdrawl was severe and lasted for months. I did not know what else to do so I took over his job and became a drug dealer.

I also started going back to church. I went back to the one that kicked me out. I did not know where else to go. Determined to do things right for my child, I began volunteering and eventually was put in charge of one of the church ministries and was even offered a staff position. Once Kenneth was able, he began working, like me starting at min. wage and slowly working his way up. We were trying to do what was right and do the family thing and while every day was a struggle, life seemed good.

On August 2nd, I delivered our first daughter. She was stillborn. No reason was ever found for why after a normal, healthy pregnancy, our baby had died. Out of all the hard, dark times I had been through in my life, nothing came close to touching the intensity of the pain I felt from losing my daughter. I feel like I actually shattered. But this time I did NOT run from God.

Kenneth and I eventually married and got pregnant again. I also got kicked out of church again. Same reason, questioning doctrine. I had met a woman at a pg. & infant loss support group and we became best friends. We spent a lot of time together because we both had lost babies and understood each other and one day she invited me to a bible study. I went because I was so broken I was desperate for ANYthing to hold on to. I was pregnant again and when I walked into the bible study, the teacher sees my belly and says, "Oh, todays lesson is just for you!". It was about how sometimes you have to go through labor but the results, like having a baby, make it all worth the struggle. I was so stinkin mad! After the bible study was over I found out when and where they were meeting again and told them I would be back. I planned to go back so I could prove that woman wrong. She obviously had no idea what she was talking about. The second time I went, I do not remember what the lesson was on but hearing the Word of God had done something to me and I was told about having a personal relationship with Christ and that was it. I took hold of my Jesus' Hand and I have not let go since. I was delivered from alcohol when my oldest daughter was about a year old and I even started dancing again while pregnant for my 4th daughter. Only now, I do it for my Savior and realize my beauty is simply a reflection of Him.

Jesus said in John 12:24 unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. It is never easy to experience death, but with Christ, it is always worth it.

Testimony

I believe every Word in the bible is true. I may not always act like it but I believe in the Word of God fully and completely. I believe according to Jer. 1:5 that before I was even concieved, God knew me, He loved me, He set me apart. Eph. 1:4 & 18 tells me that because I have trusted Christ, I am chosen & called. I also believe Romans 8:28 which says all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purposes. I believe Satan knew I was to be a daughter of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords and from as early as I can remember, he tried his best to stop me. He failed.

My childhood was not ideal. It was not as bad as some but I grew up not knowing love or security or acceptance. As the oldest of 4 I had too many responsibilities and to this day I have more of a mother role to my siblings than one of a sister.

I was raised in a Catholic church and while I do not think there is anything wrong with being Catholic, the church I was raised in caused me a lot of pain. I had no knowledge of the Word of God but found myself questioning doctrine. I held on to "God" as tight as I could because I needed something to keep my head above the water. My life was drowning me and I was not trying to cause problems but I questioned things in the church and that did not go over so well. I became know as a trouble maker, I was told I was going to hell and eventually I was kicked out.

Back up a few years before I was ex-communicated and my already difficult life took another dive. At 13 I lost my virginity to date rape. I was very confused and could not seem to find anyone to help me or side with me so I started drinking. By the time I was a Sr. in high school, I was drinking on the way to school in the mornings.

High school brought with it all the trauma most girls experience I guess. But my world was tainted by alcohol and loss of hope. When I was kicked out of church, I felt like I lost my faith. I felt like I had nothing to believe in and was so angry at God I wanted nothing to do with anything I thought He represented. I also began believing that the beauty I possessed was a curse that only caused me hurt and pain. I would think I had finally found love and acceptance and find I was only wanted for what I could give.

As I sank deeper into alcohol and hopelessness, I became desperate for escape. So in order to get away from my life, I joined the Army. I was a military police officer and left for Alabama 21 days after I graduated from high school. Unfortunatly I found myself in the same circumstances just with different people, mostly men. From Alabama I went to Korea for a year and before I was in country 2 weeks, I was raped. He was more up there in rank and had a good reputation and in the end I was told 'sorry for the inconvienence'. That was a rough year. From Korea I went to Georgia where things just continued to get worse.

From the very beginning of my army career I not only dealt with sexual harrasment and assault, but also with being stalked. I just could not believe how often it happened and my beliefs that my beauty was a curse intensified. Once when a stalker forced his way into my house, I had to call 911. The stalker actually convinenced the 2 officers that responded that we were just fighting and I was suicidal and he was just trying to protect me. They left him there with me that night. He slept right next to me in my bed. What could I do? The next day, one of the cops came back to 'check on me'. He said it was obvious I was not happy in the relationship and asked if I would like to go out with him instead.

So I am the type of person that you tell me I am bad, I will show you bad. I had decided if men were going to continue to use and abuse me for my looks, I was going to use that to my advantage. I had always loved to dance so I took a job as a nude dancer at a club downtown. I actually was treated more respectfully as a stripper than in the Army. No one was allowed to touch me or even say ugly things to me. My bags were carried for me, I was walked to and from my car and no one was allowed to leave after me until my car was out of sight so I was never followed home. I had this false sense of power and control not to mention, men paying me just to look. As powerful as I felt, I can not put into words the damage that did to my soul.

So back to my stalkers, I had this one kid that started following me and he was young and after some of the other more serious incidents I had been involved in, I could do little more than roll my eyes at this poor kid. Well, he would up attempting suicide after my repeated refusals. My superiors actually called me in to tell me I was to blame and I could have prevented what had happened.

The police station manager was a guy I was ok with and I barged into his office and unholstered my 9mil. I dropped the mag. out and slid it across his desk. I unchambered the round that was in the gun then forcefully slid that across his desk into his lap. I told him if he was smart, he would not put a gun in my hands again. I told him to find a way, any way to GET ME OUT. I was done. I was sent to an Army shrink and all it took was me telling just a few of my sexual harrasment stories and they quick got me an honorable discharge and all my benefits and even a little extra to keep me from calling Dateline.

half way

so I guess I am half way through. I did give in and eat soup the day of my last post. But considering Kenneth tried to talk me into a pizza buffet and I made it through his fast food runs, I feel ok about soup. I have been licking a lot more spoons that I meant to but maybe I am being too hard on myself.

I want to start compiling my testimony to share at the moms bible study I attend. There is so much to my story and I want to make sure it is something that Glorifies God and only speaks life and not death. I would love the opportunity to share what God has done for me not only for others but to remind myself of His Wonder and Goodness and just the vastness of Love He has showered me with. And I hope to be allowed to dance. I want to show other women how He took my ashes and made Beauty. Thats what Im talkin bout.

4pm and counting

This is the first day I reeeeaaaalllllly just wanted to quit. Yesterday was my first water only day (not counting the small pot of coffee) and this morning I felt so weird. I was dizzy and just felt weird and today was one of my first HUNGRY days. I ate the peelings from Adrian's apple, a pepermint Jane gave me and 2 popcorns while fixing the kids an afterschool snack. I just want to give in and eat ANYthing. I have been drinking juice and I do not think I will do many more (if any) water only days.

Talking to a friend, she said no one does just water on a 21 day fast. Maybe not but they may do just juice. I also have not spent hours and hours in prayer or bible reading. Not sure what I expected. I have kept up with my daily reading plus other Spiritually beneficial endevers. AND I have not wasted as much time vegging in front the tv or computer. Oh. Except the horrid movie Kenneth talked me into watching. It was funny but full of nudity and casual crazy monkey sex. Not good for a time of seeking God. But then I think, do I want to shut Kenneth totally out? He spends so much time on other things I will have nothing to do with. I do not want him to think I am playing the Holier than thou game with him. It is not an excuse to sin! Seriously. I feel so much spiritual distance from him already I am careful not to create more.

If I were closer to the end I may have more endurance so for now all I can do is wait for this day to end and hope tomorrow (and the next 11 days) are easier. I am re-evaluating the plan I started with. I think I will do juice every day and maybe even soup or fruits and veggies on weekends. I have rasins and trail mix that I may need before this day ends. It does not help I really like what I made the family for supper. Neither does it help that I think my pants fit better too. I have not weighed so that is one goal I have stuck to but I keep thinking I may have lost the 5 pounds I wanted so now is a good time to eat again.

Denying the flesh and empathising with the poor is supposed to be part of fasting so maybe I just need to Praise through this. I can do all things through Christ. That's what I'm talkin bout Jesus.

Still Going...

One week ago today I started a fast and while I licked a few spoons and fingers I am hanging in there. I have to say I am supprised that this is harder on a mental level than a physical one. I mean, I am hungry and I am trying to avoid being around food but it is not that bad. I almost feel like Weight Watchers was harder at times as far as hunger goes. I keep wanting to eat out of habit or bordom or for pleasure. I have kept up on my bible readings and have done some other things as well. I have tried to not waste idle time and have kept up with more household chores than usual. Funny what I can get done when I am not wasting time. I do see that I have more to do than I can handle though. I will never catch up and that is going to have to be ok. I will keep on keeping on and not let my joy be stolen.

Today I heard something from God that was lovely. I am not under the control of anything other than the Spirit of God. Not sugar, not coffee, not anything other than the Spirit of God. I want to be able to have A piece of cake or A serving of something delicious and not sin in my eating. Whatever I eat or drink or whatever I do, let it all be for the glory of God.

I have to admit I am still thinking about the scale and my pants size and how this fast could get me to my goal weight and I know that is not the mindset I want to have. If I am not under the control of any foods, I CAN be my goal weight and have my pants fit properly and not be too tight and uncomfortable. I just see I am not where I want to be. I am still seeking God's hand instead of His face. I have 13 days left to get there. That's what I'm talking about.

21 Day Fast

Can I blog about this? I always have the feeling it is never read so it is not like I am bragging or even letting everyone know what I am doing.

I decided to join my church in a corporate 21 day fast to start the new year. I want to stop talking about moving to a new level with God and start DOing. I have a few goals, persay, for 2008. My God Word for the Haynes family is joy. My prayer is for every member of my family to hear God's voice more, better, louder, whatever.

Kenneth wants to get our finances in order (which is an answer to a long going prayer for me) so of course I want to do whatever is necessary to accomplish that.

Personally, I want to read the entire bible in a year and finally LISTEN to what God has been telling me about my eating habits and the way I treat my body (the temple of the Holy Spirit). I have been praying about eating better and He has REALLY been speaking to me about that but I have not acted yet. Well, not before today anyway.

My clothes (the ones I can still get into) are all uncomfortable but it is not just that. It is not a dress size or number on the scale. My family has horrible eating habbits! How in the world can I teach them right when I refuse to do right? It matters not that they see me eat the salad and not sneak the 3 pieces of cake with extra icing and ice cream. God has shown me I have moved into sinning when I eat. He wants me to stop, I want to stop and I want my heart to be more interested in glorifing God and not grieving the Holy Spirit within me than how I look in my pants.

I am doing this fast for God. To hear Him, to seek Him, to finally move into that next level of intimate relationship with Him. I am on day 1. Of 21. It sounds so scary. Today was good though. My bible study brought me to 1 Cor 10:31 that says whatever I eat or drink, whatever I do must all be for the glory of God. I have failed in this area so much but I am ready to repent and start fresh.

My daily bible reading just happened to be on fasting. Hmm. I hear my Father. He says He loves me. He says I can trust Him. He says He will help me. He will show me new things if I will follow Him. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.

2008

It is a new year; 2008. My church, HPC (www.healingplacechurch.org) is reading the bible in a year. I have never done that. I plan to give it a go. My prayer for this year is for my family to hear God's Voice when He speaks to us and to support my husband's goals. I would also like to have more joy in my home. We choose joy despite our circumstances and I want to have more positive than negative this year.

He wants to keep his desk clean and get out of debt (which means stop spending huge amounts on our credit cards). The get out of debt thing will not be easy but I HOPE and PRAY he will stop the out of control credit card charging. My surgery is going to cost us a lot and I hope the medical bills will give him a practical reminder of his goals. I want to be positive with him and not critical. When I am critical, I know it makes it that much harder for him to follow through.

The girls and I have been watching Hairspray and we really love it. I had to explain some things because it is set back in 1962 and is about intergration and segragation. Also, they smoke and drink while pregnant because they were not aware of the dangers yet. I was quite amused when yesterday my 5 year old asked if it was ok for black people to marry white people. I asked her if she didn't think her daddy and I looked different from each other but I think I embarassed because she was like, Oh sure, I know. I was just talking about on the movie. I am not sure what she thinks. I guess it can be confusing to them. We never differentiate when people are white or black so maybe it is harder for her to tell. Especially with me being dark and her daddy being light. So now I have to decide if that is good or bad. Well, not really. I will just let it be and have joy that she does not understand prejudice.

I am getting excited about my surgery and hope I stay saved through my recovery. I plan to blog quite a bit about it. Fixed insides and new boobs. That's what Im talkin about.

Follow up post to Shopping for a hooker

this is why I shopped for a Hooker. For this outreach. I wanted to go but I think I chickened out. Still, I was a part.
Outreach Testimonies: Part 2
I got this note for the people of HPC from Alliece Cole - written by Donna Frank after a very special outreach a few days ago:
‘Twas the Midnight Before Christmas
192 roses, 3 strip clubs, 2 Hooters restaurants and Bennie’s Bar
The Alamo is quiet tonight…dozens of rooms left empty after a rash of break-ins forced people to seek safer housing. The man working security tells us we should go; that it’s not safe. We smile and thank him for his concern. We give his girlfriend a rose and a gift bag. She hugs us and thanks us profusely. He is skeptical but takes the box of chocolates we offer him. We wish them a Merry Christmas and get back in the shuttle. We talk to several more women before we leave; each one of them confused by our presence but clearly grateful. For most, we are their only reminder that Christmas is good.
The ladies working at the clubs are equally confused by us. They struggle to maintain composure as the peek into their gift bags to look at the earrings, chocolates, trinkets and gifts. Excitement replaces skepticism as they start pulling out their small treasures. A bouncer tells us that these are the best gifts these ladies will receive.
The bags contain mostly HPWomen leftovers: sparkly crowns, head bands, t-shirts, coffee mugs, jewelry, hand lotion and fancy chocolates. They also contain the necessities of life: tissue, breath mints, Tylenol and a copy of Pastor Dino’s book, Turning Points - everything a girl needs to get through the holidays.
The streets always hold an undercurrent of desperation, but this near to Christmas, everything is magnified. The tears are closer, the rage is hotter, and everything can turn on a dime. That’s why we’re there. We want to be available when people are willing to turn… we want them to have an option other than violence, drugs or hatred. Jesus is never closer to people than when they’re on the edge. Tonight, you allowed us to walk the edge with them.
Your prayers, your support, your commitment and your willingness to serve is what opens the door for us to walk the streets at midnight and pray for the people. You allow us to bring light to a dark and discarded world. You bring hope to the hopeless. You love the unlovable. You are the hands of Jesus.
Drug addicts, prostitutes, pimps and dancers were reminded tonight that they are not forgotten. God didn’t forget them, and neither did Healing Place Church. Thank you for enabling us to be a healing place for a hurting world.
All for His glory.

Happy Birthday Jesus

Well, I miss Disney, but Christmas was still ok. I still find it hard to only see the Wonder of Christ's birth in the midst of the gifts, food, traveling and especially through the humaness that makes up family. I think Disney was so magical for me because while I have had wonderful family vacations with my own husband and children, this was a trip I had been on as a child that held less than magical memories. Kinda like Christmas and holidays. Momma often talks about the wonderful family get togethers we had and here I remember anything but joy. I remember her anger and disappointment and there is still the running family joke of who will get blamed for ruining the current family holiday or event for her. Rachel took Christmas this year. ; )
Disney was a good replay; like a do-over that was a lovely reminder that the past does not determine my present or future. Alas, the holidays still have parts of the past chained to them. I try to learn that it is my choice in how I react to those parts. My emotions and scars just still rule me more than I care to admit. Thanks to my Savior, I can try again tomorrow to honor Him and allow Love to reign in my life. That is what I'm talkin about.

He Speaks to me

While I SOO want to blog about the magical wonder that is Disney and the most incredible time we had, I have to say this first. Church Sunday was preached by Pricilla Shire. I have only done one bible study of hers but it was FAB. Church Sunday was FABULOUS. She taught that if you are a Christian, God will speak to you. He will. That is Truth. We need to accept that for what it is.

So yesterday I had some great things happen, mainly I prayed and asked for at least $200 in TS orders and I got right at $1000. Today I woke up not knowing how I was going to accomplish my TO DO list. I had to find the time and money to go to the post office and mail a bunch of stuff and possibly give up my weekend to hand deliver some stuff to Lake Charles (only 3 hours away). Rachel called and asked if she could give me my weekend back by asking mom to bring the girls and stuff to LC without me (YES!!!-well, almost. Have not heard from mom yet). Also, I found enough cards, card sized gifts and a TON of stamps so all I had to do was brave Hwy 73 and put the stuff all ready to go in the mail box. Also, I had on my list to go buy some stuff for Avery's class (more time and money) and got an early morning email saying I did not have to, some one else took care of it for me. AND THEN! I brought Em's blanket to get monogramed and they said Thursday it would be ready but called today to say it was done!! AND I have time to go get it because of all the other places I do NOT have to go. That's what I'm talkin' bout BABY!!!

Shoppin for a hooker

I love my church. I attend a Moms bible study which is geared towards stay at home moms and their young children. Today was so awesome. A lot better than usual in my opinion. A woman who does inner city outreach shared about the things she does with the homeless, with the dealers, with the strippers and the hookers. She gave us suburban middle classed have enough money that we dont have to work dressed in our trendy fashions latte sippin moms an insight into her world and invited us to join her on whatever level we wanted to. Our origional plans for the next time we met was to bring a pair of earings or a bracelet to do a gift swap with each other but after hearing this woman talk about how touched these women she encountered are to get the smallest gift, we decided to step it up and give all the gifts to the strippers and hookers. I Love my life and want the steril safe environment I created to stay intact on a lot of days. I would love my daughters to not know the ugly side of life and often I am too tired and overwhelmed with the Others in my life to look across the street to the person in the ditch. When I see them, then I have the pressure of reaching and streatching some more and I admit most days I just would rather avoid all that.

Now I have had a heart for strippers for a long time and wanted to get involved with the out reach to them. I plan to try to make the next outreach on December 21st but when I got home Kenneth said he wanted to go get a pair of shoes and some shirts. I got pumped and told him I was coming because I needed to get a Christmas present for a hooker!

Bless his heart, he tries to understand me. He thought the stuff I bought was too hookerish and I should get them something more modest but I think I did good. I also spent a bit extra on a lovely velvet gift box. He asked who the gift box was for and when I told him the hooker he tried to stop me but after 10 years together, he reconizes unstoppable passion in me when he sees it. I need my boat rocked sometimes. I need to see that the more I stretch the farther I can reach. I have to face the ugly to appreciate the Beauty.

God has given me so much beauty for ashes and pulled me out of so much ugly and I KNOW He did not do that for me to just settle into comfort and a world of nice. He did it so I can shine my light to someone like who I was so they can become the trend wearing latte drinking girl I have become. I do often feel like I am uncomfortable in my skin and while I know I have issues to work out I also think that can be the itch of comfort. We think comfort is good but I think it is deceptive. Was Jesus ever comfortable? Then why should I strive for that to be the norm. God knows my hooker's name. I pray she experiences the love of Christ. Tonight as it dips into the mid 40s and when she gets my pretty velvet box. That's what I'm talkin bout, baby.

Last Week before the Secret Reveal!

So last night I went shopping and spent some of the funnest money EVER! My origional intentions were for new kicks for myself (I do not own tennis but felt I needed some for the Disney trip) and the annual PJs for the girls' Christmas tradition. This year I thought I would do them with a twist.

It is important to Kenneth and I to have some annual traditions and one of them for Christmas is new PJs for the girls. With the surprize Disney trip just over a week away I came up with the idea to get the PJs early, get Disney ones and pack them to give the first night of the Disney stay. Well, there I was with money, shopping on the brain, the trip a week away and mounting excitement, not to mention Sale signs, and my ideas kept growing. I bought 2 additional outfits for each girl plus some Disney attire for my self. And after looking at hundreds of pairs of shoes and trying on a dozen pairs AND talking with quite a few over zealous sales people, I FINALLY found some new kicks I liked so much, I bought it in 2 colors!

I was so excited I came home and put the girls to bed as fast as I could so I could start packing! Then this morning I realized I needed some stuff I packed already. But I am super stoked!

So tomorrow is Monday and we just have to get through the entire week (which is pretty full!) and the Secret will be REVEALED!!! Om my gosh so many times I went to say when we got to Disney... or when we get back from Disney... or HEY GIRLS LETS GO TO DISNEY!!!

The plan is to wake them Monday and say time for school. Go get in mama and daddy's bed and I will bring you your clothes. I bring in the Disney outfits and when they say ANYTHING we will start screaming at them LET'S GO TO DISNEY!!! On an AIRPLANE no less!!! This is gonna be so stinkin fun!

I gotta go make a buncha lists. Oh my gosh, so close! THATS WHAT IM TALKIN BOUT BABY!!!!

9 years

Today is November 20th, 2007. I married my husband 9 years ago, just 3 months after our baby girl died. I often realize what a good husband Kenneth has been to me despite our rough start. He did not have to stay with me for the first baby, or after we lost her and had nothing commiting us to each other. He has worked hard and despites his faults, has provided extreemly well for me and our girls all this time. I am not always good to him. I have often been horribly disrespectful to him. I do not often support him, but he loves me and shows me and continues to try to do right by me. I love him more, and even better, I like him more the longer we are together. He makes me laugh. He melts my heart. He is a gift from God to me.

I have to admit our Anniversary did not start too great. We both hate to wait with gifts and want to give them right away so we exchanged gifts last night. I did not like mine and he did not like his. I was even upset because I thought to myself, 'I gave the man a list of what I want and I already HAVE what he bought me (if you know Kenneth, no surprize, he got me the upgrade) and I love what I have and just because HE thinks I need an upgrade, it does not do what the old one does that I love and how can he do this to me WHINE WHINE WHINE!

But I decided to wake up today and just be glad about the gift of 9 years of marriage to a man I still love. I went got him a cheesecake and told him Happy Anniversary and asked for a gift of him cleaning the stove (a job he does not mind as far as actual work not on the computer goes and one I loath). He may or may not do it but I am ok with that. I am, however a little sensitive to the fact that both my mom and his mom called and did not mention what today is. I still feel my mom does not support my marriage (she was so against it in the beginning) but I think my main issue today is Ned was the one who NEVER forgot our anniversary. I could count on her to remember when no one else did and she is not here. I was very blessed in a bunch of tiny ways today even though I woke up with a 'the whole world is against me and its not fair' attitude. How like Jesus is it to kill me with kindness. So Happy Anniversary to me. There will be many more. That's what I'm talkin about. Baby.

Fwds

I must admit I am usually annoyed beyond belief at stupid Fwd emails about send this prayer to 10 people or your house will burn down or send to all your friends and the one who sent it to you so you can see how many people love you and my BIGGEST pet peve is the well intentioned ones sending me the latest warning about cleaning products, scams and other ways people have come up with to ruin my life. There are MANY websites people, to check the validity of this stuff! Google it even! Here is one for you on the off chance one of you suckers takes the time out of your life from saving the day of the common stay at home moms to read my blog: www.snopes.com. Please. For the love of all that is good and holy, do not send me crap out of the concern overflowing out of your heart for me without taking a nanosecond to find out if it is true or not. And since you had the guts to read this I will just tell you the truth; it makes you look stupid. Bless your little heart.

That said, I got a Fwd today and rolled my eyes but I opened it on the off chance the sender had included a personal note to me. She had not by the way. I did, however find a nugget. Maybe more than that even. This could almost be catagorized as a 6 peice nugget value meal. Supersized would be pushing it but I thought it worth posting here. It was titled:
I Am Invisible

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, "Can't you see I'm on the phone?" Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.

I'm invisible. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, "What time is it?" I'm a satellite guide to answer, "What number is the Disney Channel?" I'm acre to order, "Right around 5:30, please."I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going... she's going... she's gone!

One night a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, "I brought you this."

It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: "To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees."

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:
(1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.
(2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.
(3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.
(4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, "Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it." And the workman replied, "Because God sees."

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, "I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become."

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table." That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, "You're gonna love it there."As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

THATS what Im talkin bout baby.

That time of year

In the past, I go fetal around mid-October. I guess this year I have been too busy to fall apart. I feel bounced between the thoughts of Peace and War, Rest and Work, Life and Death. It seems this year those themes are amped in my life. It has been almost one year since the day Ned was diagnosed with cancer (Nov. 17th). Two new babies have been born into our family (Ned's daughter and son each had a baby in late October). I have my annual loss exhibit in November and annual memorial service in December. I have felt slammed by battles in my mind over things I thought were part of my past, not my present. I feel no repreave from Death and this time of year, I seem to be surrounded by it. I know it is part of my calling, my ministry, but it feels too heavy sometimes. Out of balance.

I have always heard the saying 'Little kids, little problems; big kids, big problems'. I am starting to live it. My girls are growing up and getting, well, big. I can no longer keep them under my wing. I have no choice but to allow them to venture out in the world where the devil roams around like a lion looking for someone to devour. I feel so little confidence in how I have prepaired and equiped them. I feel devoured some days myself; hardly able to survive my own wars, much less fight someone elses.

My tank feels empty often and instead of turning to my Source, I just get pissed and spew venom. Like that will help. Things are not all bad, like I said, I am not balled up in the fetal position not willing to open my eyes and face the day, I just feel emotional, drained, isolated and alone. I need to be touched and talked to and it would be nice for someone to walk along side me. Jesus is there. I want Him to be enough and I am mad at myself that I will not let Him be. I mean, when He tells me to do something and I refuse, I know who's fault that is. I just feel so vurnarable and sensitive. I feel confused. I do not seem to know where the line is between the Proverbs woman who never seems to sleep and David who rests in the Shadow of the Almighty and is willing to be still and know, even in the face of turmoil.

I want to live the Word. I want to be equiped by the Word, I want to show God my love by obeying His Word. Now to decide if I should do that after I finish the laundry or if I should get to bed before it is tomorrow already. That's what Im talkin about.

Backwards Period

Now that my period is over my face is all broken out, I have cramps and I am fighting depression so bad I have to force myself to shower and brush my teeth. Kenneth is on turn around. He works every night until it is over. He comes home and wakes everyone up before the alarm then goes to sleep. He then gets up about an hour and a half before he needs to go to work again. Thank GOD I am not a single mother or that things are not always like this. I am a wreck.

Usually I have enough anger to fuel me. I have enough fight in me to keep on keepin on. I can keep going, I just do not want to as much. I want the house to be clean, I want chocolate, I want to not care about what the chocolate does to my ass, I want good sex, I want ANY sex, I want to feel somebody is on my side, I want my own room, I want someone to say 'God bless you' when I sneeze, I want to weigh 10 pounds less, I want to not be in debt, I want to never pay late fees, I want to not have to be responsible, I want to ride a motorcycle, I want another tattoo, I want to drink, I want to do drugs, I want to be so satisfied with Jesus, I do not need sex, chocolate or a God bless you. Hmm. I want the Rapture. I want Peace. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.

Body Talk and Football

My oldest daughter turned 8 yesterday. I just found out more changes occur between the ages of 8-13 in girls than in the first 12 months of life when we go from a tiny helpless newborn to a fat toddeling one year old. I also learned that your feet grow faster than any other body part so they reach full size first. I bought myself books, my daughter books, read every article I notice on the topic, listen to every radio or tv teaching on this type of stuff and I can. not. believe. I am living it. When I was pregnant for Avery I went to a parenting class. When I learned it was a girl I narrowed my field of study. I think I was so worried I would be too scared to do things like have 'the talk' and answer questions and properly educate that I went over board with it all. I am no longer fearful of dealing with this type of stuff (periods, bras, body hair, boys, sex, etc) I am just finding myself a tad bewildered that I am living in this world already. Like I have been preping for 8 years or more and am just taken aback to find myself here. It is almost not even a big deal. It is just life. Our world. The Norm.

I often find myself feeling like day after day just slips by so fast I hardly have time to catch my breath but I still did not acknowledge my children were growing up before my eyes faster than I could blink twice. It is not scary. It is even kind of beautiful in a bizare sort of way. I just want so badly to VALUE my time as Mother to my girls. I need to slow down and be intentional about what matters and not sweat the small stuff more often.

THAT brings me to football. While I am very aware that my opinions and lack of restrainment often hurts and offends others, this is my blog so put your big girl (or big boy) panties on if you want to know what I think. Can some people please grow the hell up and stop investing so much into something that counts for NOTHING!! I am just so sick of people getting so bent out of shape about something that will not last into the eternal. Now before you think I am talking to you, understand it also pisses me off what athletes get paid. People want to bitch and moan that my Pastor and many other Godly people I support live a NOT simple life and spend money on non-necessities when they can give MORE to the poor (because they are already giving a butt load away) and should live a more simple ie poor lifestyle or their preaching will fall on deaf ears. Give me a fliping break and try spending as much time seeking the Lord as the money spending people of God and THEN come tell me you think they are wrong to spend the way they do. And then set your salvation aside and go watch a football game. I see the log in my eye. I do. I just feel like I am consistant. I am what I am and while I may appologize to you about it, I do not really mean it. I really think you need to get over your self. You do not have to like me. I will see you in heaven anyway. I am greatful for the awesome friends I have. The ones who allow me to be me and accept me as I am. They never have to agree with me but they do not ask me to not be me. To the rest of you? I say God bless you out loud with a smile on my face. The Word tells me to try my best to get along with everyone and live in peace as much as it is up to me(Romans 12:18). I will fake it till I make it. That's what Im talkin bout baby.

Do you want to be FREE?

Set Me Free ------Casting Crowns
It hasn't always been this way
I remember brighter days
Before the dark ones came
Stole my mind
Wrapped my soul in chains
Now I live among the dead
Fighting voices in my head
Hoping someone hears me crying in the night
And carries me away
Chorus: Set me free of the chains holding me
Is anybody out there hearing me?
Set me free

Morning breaks another day
Finds me crying in the rain
All alone with my demons I am
Who is this man that comes my way?
The dark ones shriek
They scream His name
Is this the One they say will set the captives free?
Jesus, rescue me

Chorus

As the God man passes by
He looks straight through my lies
The darkness cannot hide
Do you want to be free?
Lift your chains, I hold the key
All Power on Heaven and earth belong to me

You are free
You are free
You are free

I think this song touches me so deep because I still fight some lies from my dark days. I still remember the smells and the taste of the death I walked in. My stomach churns remembering the rich sweetness of sin in my mouth and the vile bitterness of it in my stomach. I still fight to stay free. I am forever greatful He heard me crying in the night.

You are not Alone

I was asked to share the story of how my ministry Angels Among Us came about in a national newsletter. It is always emotional compiling thoughts on my grief journey and I struggle with putting over 9 years of life into words. It smells like the color nine but here is what I got.

You are not Alone

After a perfectly normal, healthy pregnancy, I delivered the 1st of my 4 daughters on August 2, 1998. My intro into motherhood, however, was anything but perfectly normal and healthy. My 1st daughter was stillborn. Looking back at my experience, I believe the hospital staff was trying to help me by giving me space and not coming in my room much. Not even the professionals seemed to know what to do. I had a doctor walk into my room and inform me not to ask any questions because she had no answers for me. It was just ‘one of those things’. I was even discharged before I got to take a bath so I would not have to stay in the same place as other recovering mothers. I remember the wheelchair ride through the hospital to our car when I was discharged. I was sure every person we passed looked at me and thought, “What a failure.”

I went home and dealt with the aftermath of a full term pregnancy, labor and delivery, but without my baby. I felt confused and isolated. I had no idea who or what I was anymore. I had had a baby but no one seemed to want to acknowledge that. Was I a mother to the daughter I named Rya? Why did everyone seem to want to pretend she had never exsisted? Physically I had all the signs I had just delivered a baby, yet I was alone.

The barrage of emotions I faced were so forceful and intense there is no way I can put them down in black and white. While my family and friends cared about me and wanted to help, they did not understand at all what I was going through. I understand now their intentions were right but more often than not they just caused me to feel more pain and isolation. The common theme seemed to be ‘forget about what happened and move on’. I would have loved to move on from the most painful experience of my life and not continue to feel so crushed and ruined. It was just not an option for me no matter how hard I tried.

I actually thought I was going crazy and that something was wrong with me because I loved my daughter so much and could not get over her death after a month. I was becoming more and more confused and isolated and could not find anyone who understood me at all. I heard about a local support group and forced myself to go out of desperation. The relief I found was so overwhelming I actually cried myself sick. These women actually understood me AND I was not crazy! That support group truly became a lifeline to me. I was offered a platform to express how I honestly felt without the subject being changed or something hurtful or inappropriate being said to me. My healing had begun and I was no longer alone.

As God grew me spiritually and helped me move through my grief, He also opened my eyes to the opportunity to minister His Love and Healing to others. 2 Corinthians 1:4 says God comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. It became so important to me to let others mothers who had lost a baby know they were not alone. Out of the local support group I attended, some of the mothers formed an organization that offered additional pregnancy and infant loss support in various ways. I began volunteering to help this group and found a new level of healing that comes with reaching out to and helping others.

Not long after I got involved with this group that brought me so much comfort in the year following Rya’s death, they decided to move out of state. I felt I had to do something for our area to keep other mothers from feeling that extreme isolation I felt that first month after my loss. I needed a way to let other mothers know they were not alone. I took a few ideas from the organization that helped me so much and made them my own and formed Angels Among Us. One of my favorite ideas was donating teddy bears to local hospitals to give to mothers who had just lost a baby. The idea really touched my heart and it became my mission to get a teddy bear into the empty arms of as many mothers who had lost their babies as possible. I also re-wrote a grief information packet with many articles on topics I had faced on my own grief journey. I included information I wish had been available to me during the first days of my loss that could have guided me in a more healthy direction.

I am not a professional, but I am powered by the Holy Spirit. I have no training to back what I do, but I have lived through loss. I have experienced the devastating loss of my baby and have done more than survive. I have walked out Romans 8:28 which says ‘all things work together for our good for those who love God and are called according to His purposes’. I have peace; I have joy and I no longer feel alone. My God has said He will never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5) and I need to help mothers who have lost their baby discover this Truth. I do this through Angels Among Us with these sweet little teddy bears I found to donate. I attach a tag to each bear that says Galatians 6:2 Bear One Another’s Burdens and also has In Memory of…a baby that was lost to miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death. This enables those who have lost a baby to do something positive in memory of their baby and reach out to other families going through the same thing. It is my way of saying to mothers facing a pregnancy or infant loss, "You are not alone".

Seeking my Call

Church this weekend was...Powerful. Like make you want to vomit and thankful for it, power. John Bevere spoke. I am a fan of he and his wife and most of his messages are Pepto material. Mr. Bevere issued a challange to my church, to me this weekend that really shook things up. My friends that heard the message before me warned me. It was all the buzz. When I heard it, it still was a hard hit to the gut but I PRAY the Words spoken are imbedded in my heart.

Ok, it was about Eternal rewards. We can be saved and get the big rewards or get nothing. This to me is not about the rewards. I have been without Christ. Better is ONE DAY in His Courts than thousands elsewhere! The thought that I let my God, my Father down by not living my call seems too much to bear. The thought that because of me refusing to die to my rotting flesh, a soul (or numerous souls) would have eternal damnation is too heavy. Now I know my God; He will find someone else to do my job if I do not step up and the lost will be witnessed to. He is Fair and Just and He will not come back till all have had their chance. But how much more effective is the first choice? If I were choosing a babysitter for my children and had to go with my 3rd choice because 1 and 2 did not come through, what then? I will not be as happy, my children not as happy and there is a..ripple, if you will, that changes the course of things. Maybe not a life altering change, but maybe. The way we were going had to be altered some and is no longer as pure, as right, as..The Way.

This all makes sense in my head. God created me with a purpose, with a direction He wanted me to go. The main thing is to get there but like the children of Isreal that were brought out of Egypt by Moses, do I really want to be known as the daughter that, for simple refusal to listen to SomeOne Who knows better, wandered the wilderness for 40 years before reaching the finish line? Eternal perspective should be a no brainer! Like the Promise Land I guess. Hmm let's see, do we want slavery and oppression or freedom with milk and honey?

Lord, You made me; You created me. Now give me the sense to follow Your commands. Ps 119:73. I want to honor my God by living my call out of adoration for Him. My love for Him is beyond words, but it is NOT beyond actions! It seems so stupid to ever focus on my circumstances. An eternal perspective makes much more sense. So what is with all the sand and cactus in my views?

I do not care about the rewards as much as I need to love Jesus. How can I love Him? John 14:15 If you love Me, obey My commandments.

Worship equals obediance. My reward is my Father in heaven being aware of my love for Him. The Word says if I seek God, I will find Him. (1 Ch 28:9) Plus He gave me the best roadmap! That's what I'm talking bout baby!

Pepto

Yesterday was a Pepto day. I talked to lots of my girlfriends who cried as they sent their little ones off to school. Instead of some sweet mama tears I am stinkin up the bathroom with direaha and drinking Pepto straight out the bottle hoping not to vomit. Why I gotta be so gross?!? Then my OBGYN office calls to say they have booked my Hysteroctomy for January 16th. So I have to get up off the couch where I am laying with my pants unzipped with my plastic trash can 'just in case' and an ice pack on my head to take that call. And if giving up my uterous is not hard enough, I will be getting breast implants also. I feel my reasons are honorable. I will go to a C to balance my body. We spent much more on remodeling the house with things that were not 'necessary'. It seems the decission should not be that tough. So why am I more scared of breast than terrorist?

While many women may buy clothes to enhance their larger bust I keep looking at bigger stuff to make sure 'no one thinks I am trying to be a whore'. As a wife, a mother and a Christian, I never know what to do when I am hit on in public. It is only when I am not with my husband or girls but keeping them with me does not seem to be an option. While I am so flattered to still have men find me attractive after 4 children and almost 9 years of marriage, it sends terror through my soul when it happens. And at the same time I crave it. Could it really be simple? Could it all just boil down to my past where I only seemed valued for my looks? It is hard to explain and I have not found many people who understand, but while I know I possess physical beauty, I usually feel it is more of a curse than a blessing. I have wished too many times to be scarred or disfigured but at the same time, I now have freedom in Christ.

Freedom to get boobs? That's what I'm talkin bout Baby!

Happy Birthday Baby.

Nine years ago today I delivered my first baby. My first daughter. She was tiny and she was silent. I was only 3 weeks away from being full term but she died before she was born. Rya has taught me much. Her life and death have not only impacted my life, but the lives of many. Romans 8:28 And we know all things work together for our good for those who love God and are called according to His purposes. That's what I'm talking about baby.

One Touch (Press)

from Sharecropper's Seed Vol. 1
Nicole C. Mullen

Been ostracized for 12 years
I'm used to being alone
Spent everything I had and now it's gone.
I'm used to being put down
my issues tell it all
My only Hope is ancored in this fall

If I could just touch the hem of His garment
I know I'd be made whole
If I could just press my way through this maddness
His love would heal my soul
If only one touch...

So many people calling
How could He ever know
That just a brush of Him would stop the flow
If He knew would He rebuke me or shame me to the crowd
well, I am desperate cause it is never or it is now

Suddenly He turned around
He said somebody has unleashed My power
Well, frightened and embarrased I bowed
you see I told Him of my troubles and how

I had to touch the hem of His garment
and I know I've been made whole
and how I had pressed my way through the maddness and His love had healed my soul

Then with one word He touched the hem of my garment
and you know I've been made whole
And somehow He pressed His way through my maddness
and His love has healed my soul

I tell you He touched me
He reached way down and touched me
when no one else would touch me
Jesus sho nough He touched me
and I know I've been made whole.

Funeral Arrangements

I want the following songs played and I think I want to be creamated like my baby girl. After that, do what you will but do not worry about me. Just make sure you join me one day.

It is Well

IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,It is well, with my soul,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
It is well, with my soul,It is well, with my soul,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
It is well, with my soul,It is well, with my soul,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,It is well, with my soul,It is well, it is well, with my soul.

In You by Mercy Me
"In You"
I put my hope in You
I lay my life in palm of your hand
I'm constantly drawn to You Lord
In ways I cannot comprehend
It's the Creator calling the created
The Maker beckoning the made
The bride finding what she's always waited for
When we find ourselves that day
[CHORUS:]In You where the hungry feast at the table
The blind frozen by colors in view
The lame will dance, They'll dance for they are able
And the weary find rest Oh the weary find rest in You
It's no secret that we don't belong here
Those set apart by the grace of You
And we look for the day when we go to a place
Where the old becomes brand new

Definition

Ultimately, we are what we do every day. What defines us is not one large good intention to be a good person, or parent—it's a hundred thousand ongoing choices of every size that arise when we're tired, satisfied, distracted, full of ourselves, threatened, happy, reactionary, sentimental, hurried, bored …

Just because I will no longer be able to bear children after my partial hysterectomy does not change who I am in my day to day life. I sometimes live life in the 'if onlys'. If only I had help with my responsibilities, if only the children were older, if only we had more money, if only we had less debt, if only I had one more daughter, if only Rya had not died, if only things were different.

That is no good. Not for me or anybody in my life. I have a choice every day, every hour, every minute. I can choose life or I can choose death. I can choose light or I can choose darkness. It is time I stop letting my circumstances define me. I need to start defining my circumstances instead. That is what Im talkin bout baby.