I feel like all my days leading up to my surgery were part of one life, and now I am in the next part. Things used to be 'before my surgery ____' and now it is more 'since my surgery ____'.
Watching life happen from the position of being in bed and being hooked to a cathator is not a view I have had much.
My goal is to allow people to care for me (NOT easy!) and to not criticize Kenneth (even HARDer). The girls still come to my bedside and step over the cath. tubing to tell me they are hungry or thirsty. They are calling Kenneth out because he will say something that hurts them, they come tell me and he denys it for a while before they all gang up on him. Bless his heart, this may very well be harder on him than me. I mean he will bring me something to drink and want me to reach for it across the bed where his computer is rather than walk the extra 6 steps to my side. He did not think to heat my food once before giving it to me. I mean that is just him. I am not mad about it. I just see it getting to him because even he can see he is not that great at caring for others.
I bet the one night he stayed in the hospital had more to do with how he thought others precieved him than concern for me. Now I could see it was very hard for him to see me like I was. I just know that when people asked him why he was not at the hospital with me, he felt like people thought less of him.
It makes it both easier and harder to have him do so much for me. I had to bite my tongue when he was fixing Mem's breakfast. She crawled into bed with me and said she had not had breakfast so I asked her what she wanted and told her to go tell her daddy to make it for her. Well, he tends to put stuff in the microwave for much longer than needed. The girls and I put a honey bun in for 8-12 seconds. He does 30. Then it is too hot for too long then it gets chewy. It took every ounce of restraint to not hollar from my bed how long I thought he should put the microwave on. I want him to learn how to do for the girls when I am not around. Normally when I did not pick up the slack in responsibilities, he would call on his mother (who has a staff infection right now) so he would still be able to avoid it.
He needs to take up more responsibilities adn I need to relinquish conrol and stop babying him. I supposed these next 2 weeks will grow us both.
I do not know what to say about my breast at this point. I have only caught a glimps of them in a mirror and have a minimal view looking down my chest. They seem to be very out to the side and not that much bigger. We will see. I was able to stand on my feet today longer than before without getting weak or dizzy but I can tell I am still pretty weak. And this is weird. I have trouble focusing my eyes and speaking. I tried to read the girls a book last night (requiring both vision and speach) and had to stop after a while. Maybe it is the drugs. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Snot
I am 3 days away from my surgery which I have been waiting for since May or June from last year and now I am fighting a cold and face snot stopping me! SNOT! I will be better by Wednesday. I WILL! I am knee deep every day in God's Word and the bible says Jesus sent forth His Word and HEALED them (Ps 107:20). Proverbs 4:21-22 says God's Word will penetrate deep within my heart and bring me life & radient health. I will be in RADIENT HEALTH on Wednesday! In Jesus' Name!
On a so very sweet note, I called my father-in-law and expressed concern over not having anything more than a mattress on the floor for company to sleep in while staying here to care for me and the girls during my recovery. I knew there was a bed upstairs but my husband was not that interested in putting it up. So Dad (I am trying to call them Mom and Dad) came over and looked at what we have. He also looked in my fridge and freezer and I was not sure what for. He leaves to go get what was needed for the bed and that was great! I mean, he was going to do whatever was needed to meet my needs (which were really more in the wants than needs). So he calls me from Sams and says 'You do not have enough in your fridge and freezer, tell me what yall eat so I can buy it for yall.'
No one has ever looked at my food and expressed concern over whether I have enough or not. I am not trying to say my parents or other loved ones never tried to meet my needs but this is more than I am used to. I can get so overwhelmed by the concern and care Kenneth's parents show me. I love them so much and it is not about the amount of money they spend on me. It has more to do with how they give to me with no alterior motive. I have never felt in debted to them or like I owed them anything in return. I feel like they want to help me. Not something I am used to.
Thank You Jesus for my family. Help me to love them and modle Christ to them. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.
On a so very sweet note, I called my father-in-law and expressed concern over not having anything more than a mattress on the floor for company to sleep in while staying here to care for me and the girls during my recovery. I knew there was a bed upstairs but my husband was not that interested in putting it up. So Dad (I am trying to call them Mom and Dad) came over and looked at what we have. He also looked in my fridge and freezer and I was not sure what for. He leaves to go get what was needed for the bed and that was great! I mean, he was going to do whatever was needed to meet my needs (which were really more in the wants than needs). So he calls me from Sams and says 'You do not have enough in your fridge and freezer, tell me what yall eat so I can buy it for yall.'
No one has ever looked at my food and expressed concern over whether I have enough or not. I am not trying to say my parents or other loved ones never tried to meet my needs but this is more than I am used to. I can get so overwhelmed by the concern and care Kenneth's parents show me. I love them so much and it is not about the amount of money they spend on me. It has more to do with how they give to me with no alterior motive. I have never felt in debted to them or like I owed them anything in return. I feel like they want to help me. Not something I am used to.
Thank You Jesus for my family. Help me to love them and modle Christ to them. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Eating
With only 5 days left I have had to eat some. A piece of bread and half a plain pancake yesterday, today crackers and spinach and mushrooms. I was just at the point where I was about to buy a WalMart red velvet cake and consume it. I feel like avoiding certain things such as sugar, desserty things, even meat, will still be a sacrifice, but I am just getting to a point that I am not sure I should be. Grouchy, weak, wanting to avoid the girls and stay in bed and sleep or worse, watch tv.
The worse part is my clothes fit again. I mean, that is GREAT. But that should not be the great-est. I have enjoyed God's Word and making more time with Him. I just seem more excited about my pants. Maybe not but I just want so bad to have a right heart. I mean that is why I wanted to do this. To have a right heart. I will seek the Lord until I find Him. Again and again and again! That's what I'm talkin bout BABY!
The worse part is my clothes fit again. I mean, that is GREAT. But that should not be the great-est. I have enjoyed God's Word and making more time with Him. I just seem more excited about my pants. Maybe not but I just want so bad to have a right heart. I mean that is why I wanted to do this. To have a right heart. I will seek the Lord until I find Him. Again and again and again! That's what I'm talkin bout BABY!
Saturday, January 19, 2008
testimony part 2
I was seeing a guy in Florida so I packed my car up and headed to Florida to look for a job and place to live. I had been there a few weeks and my brother told me he was going home for the summer. He had been in collage in Mississippi. As much as I thought I would never go back to Prairieville, all I wanted was to go home so with my car still packed, I headed home for what I thought would be a long weekend.
My siblings and I had such a good time, I wound up staying. I even took a job that was to last a few weeks. I still intended on going back to Florida mainly for the beach, not the guy. But for now I was having fun. Then on June 13th, I got a phone call that my brother had been in an accident. He was dead at 19. My brother was everybody's favorite and loved life and had so much going for him. I was SO angry it was him and not me. Alcohol was no longer enough to deal with this kind of pain.
I sent for the things I had left in Florida knowing I once again had to step up and take responsibility for my family here. I took a job in a local club as a stripper and when drugs were offered, this time I had no reason to refuse. My pit just kept getting deeper. One night after a shift at the club, a co worker and I went out looking for our drug of choice. The dealer we found liked me and gave us a deal. He also started coming to the club I worked at and soon we hooked up. I had a regular that spent lots of money at the club I worked for and one night he was a little annoyed I was not drinking enough. I never drank much if at all while working but that was not good for the club because they made money off men buying me drinks. I was given a hard time and figured what was the harm in a few drinks so I gave in. They got me so drunk I did not even protest when the customer wanted to take me home. We did so much coke that night I remember being awake for days trying to come down. I was so mad the club sent me home with this guy! That was supposed to be against policy. I was told if the customer pays enough, they would let them do whatever they wanted. I quit that day.
I also decided I needed to sober up because I was way more out of control than I wanted to be. I even decided to get a more respectable job, even if it meant min. wage. 2 weeks later I had another kink in my plan. I was pregnant. I was so thrilled! I had always wanted children and now I had a reason to stay sober and I immedeitly told God I was sorry and I would be good and thank you for my baby. For the first time, I had a reason to live. Not an easy one though. I was not married and the baby was for a black man. Every single person in my family except my 16 year old sister disowned me. I lost my min. wage job because I had no medical coverage to see a Dr. and you have to get a Dr.s approval to work during pregnancy. Kenneth was not able to work because his withdrawl was severe and lasted for months. I did not know what else to do so I took over his job and became a drug dealer.
I also started going back to church. I went back to the one that kicked me out. I did not know where else to go. Determined to do things right for my child, I began volunteering and eventually was put in charge of one of the church ministries and was even offered a staff position. Once Kenneth was able, he began working, like me starting at min. wage and slowly working his way up. We were trying to do what was right and do the family thing and while every day was a struggle, life seemed good.
On August 2nd, I delivered our first daughter. She was stillborn. No reason was ever found for why after a normal, healthy pregnancy, our baby had died. Out of all the hard, dark times I had been through in my life, nothing came close to touching the intensity of the pain I felt from losing my daughter. I feel like I actually shattered. But this time I did NOT run from God.
Kenneth and I eventually married and got pregnant again. I also got kicked out of church again. Same reason, questioning doctrine. I had met a woman at a pg. & infant loss support group and we became best friends. We spent a lot of time together because we both had lost babies and understood each other and one day she invited me to a bible study. I went because I was so broken I was desperate for ANYthing to hold on to. I was pregnant again and when I walked into the bible study, the teacher sees my belly and says, "Oh, todays lesson is just for you!". It was about how sometimes you have to go through labor but the results, like having a baby, make it all worth the struggle. I was so stinkin mad! After the bible study was over I found out when and where they were meeting again and told them I would be back. I planned to go back so I could prove that woman wrong. She obviously had no idea what she was talking about. The second time I went, I do not remember what the lesson was on but hearing the Word of God had done something to me and I was told about having a personal relationship with Christ and that was it. I took hold of my Jesus' Hand and I have not let go since. I was delivered from alcohol when my oldest daughter was about a year old and I even started dancing again while pregnant for my 4th daughter. Only now, I do it for my Savior and realize my beauty is simply a reflection of Him.
Jesus said in John 12:24 unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. It is never easy to experience death, but with Christ, it is always worth it.
My siblings and I had such a good time, I wound up staying. I even took a job that was to last a few weeks. I still intended on going back to Florida mainly for the beach, not the guy. But for now I was having fun. Then on June 13th, I got a phone call that my brother had been in an accident. He was dead at 19. My brother was everybody's favorite and loved life and had so much going for him. I was SO angry it was him and not me. Alcohol was no longer enough to deal with this kind of pain.
I sent for the things I had left in Florida knowing I once again had to step up and take responsibility for my family here. I took a job in a local club as a stripper and when drugs were offered, this time I had no reason to refuse. My pit just kept getting deeper. One night after a shift at the club, a co worker and I went out looking for our drug of choice. The dealer we found liked me and gave us a deal. He also started coming to the club I worked at and soon we hooked up. I had a regular that spent lots of money at the club I worked for and one night he was a little annoyed I was not drinking enough. I never drank much if at all while working but that was not good for the club because they made money off men buying me drinks. I was given a hard time and figured what was the harm in a few drinks so I gave in. They got me so drunk I did not even protest when the customer wanted to take me home. We did so much coke that night I remember being awake for days trying to come down. I was so mad the club sent me home with this guy! That was supposed to be against policy. I was told if the customer pays enough, they would let them do whatever they wanted. I quit that day.
I also decided I needed to sober up because I was way more out of control than I wanted to be. I even decided to get a more respectable job, even if it meant min. wage. 2 weeks later I had another kink in my plan. I was pregnant. I was so thrilled! I had always wanted children and now I had a reason to stay sober and I immedeitly told God I was sorry and I would be good and thank you for my baby. For the first time, I had a reason to live. Not an easy one though. I was not married and the baby was for a black man. Every single person in my family except my 16 year old sister disowned me. I lost my min. wage job because I had no medical coverage to see a Dr. and you have to get a Dr.s approval to work during pregnancy. Kenneth was not able to work because his withdrawl was severe and lasted for months. I did not know what else to do so I took over his job and became a drug dealer.
I also started going back to church. I went back to the one that kicked me out. I did not know where else to go. Determined to do things right for my child, I began volunteering and eventually was put in charge of one of the church ministries and was even offered a staff position. Once Kenneth was able, he began working, like me starting at min. wage and slowly working his way up. We were trying to do what was right and do the family thing and while every day was a struggle, life seemed good.
On August 2nd, I delivered our first daughter. She was stillborn. No reason was ever found for why after a normal, healthy pregnancy, our baby had died. Out of all the hard, dark times I had been through in my life, nothing came close to touching the intensity of the pain I felt from losing my daughter. I feel like I actually shattered. But this time I did NOT run from God.
Kenneth and I eventually married and got pregnant again. I also got kicked out of church again. Same reason, questioning doctrine. I had met a woman at a pg. & infant loss support group and we became best friends. We spent a lot of time together because we both had lost babies and understood each other and one day she invited me to a bible study. I went because I was so broken I was desperate for ANYthing to hold on to. I was pregnant again and when I walked into the bible study, the teacher sees my belly and says, "Oh, todays lesson is just for you!". It was about how sometimes you have to go through labor but the results, like having a baby, make it all worth the struggle. I was so stinkin mad! After the bible study was over I found out when and where they were meeting again and told them I would be back. I planned to go back so I could prove that woman wrong. She obviously had no idea what she was talking about. The second time I went, I do not remember what the lesson was on but hearing the Word of God had done something to me and I was told about having a personal relationship with Christ and that was it. I took hold of my Jesus' Hand and I have not let go since. I was delivered from alcohol when my oldest daughter was about a year old and I even started dancing again while pregnant for my 4th daughter. Only now, I do it for my Savior and realize my beauty is simply a reflection of Him.
Jesus said in John 12:24 unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. It is never easy to experience death, but with Christ, it is always worth it.
Testimony
I believe every Word in the bible is true. I may not always act like it but I believe in the Word of God fully and completely. I believe according to Jer. 1:5 that before I was even concieved, God knew me, He loved me, He set me apart. Eph. 1:4 & 18 tells me that because I have trusted Christ, I am chosen & called. I also believe Romans 8:28 which says all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purposes. I believe Satan knew I was to be a daughter of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords and from as early as I can remember, he tried his best to stop me. He failed.
My childhood was not ideal. It was not as bad as some but I grew up not knowing love or security or acceptance. As the oldest of 4 I had too many responsibilities and to this day I have more of a mother role to my siblings than one of a sister.
I was raised in a Catholic church and while I do not think there is anything wrong with being Catholic, the church I was raised in caused me a lot of pain. I had no knowledge of the Word of God but found myself questioning doctrine. I held on to "God" as tight as I could because I needed something to keep my head above the water. My life was drowning me and I was not trying to cause problems but I questioned things in the church and that did not go over so well. I became know as a trouble maker, I was told I was going to hell and eventually I was kicked out.
Back up a few years before I was ex-communicated and my already difficult life took another dive. At 13 I lost my virginity to date rape. I was very confused and could not seem to find anyone to help me or side with me so I started drinking. By the time I was a Sr. in high school, I was drinking on the way to school in the mornings.
High school brought with it all the trauma most girls experience I guess. But my world was tainted by alcohol and loss of hope. When I was kicked out of church, I felt like I lost my faith. I felt like I had nothing to believe in and was so angry at God I wanted nothing to do with anything I thought He represented. I also began believing that the beauty I possessed was a curse that only caused me hurt and pain. I would think I had finally found love and acceptance and find I was only wanted for what I could give.
As I sank deeper into alcohol and hopelessness, I became desperate for escape. So in order to get away from my life, I joined the Army. I was a military police officer and left for Alabama 21 days after I graduated from high school. Unfortunatly I found myself in the same circumstances just with different people, mostly men. From Alabama I went to Korea for a year and before I was in country 2 weeks, I was raped. He was more up there in rank and had a good reputation and in the end I was told 'sorry for the inconvienence'. That was a rough year. From Korea I went to Georgia where things just continued to get worse.
From the very beginning of my army career I not only dealt with sexual harrasment and assault, but also with being stalked. I just could not believe how often it happened and my beliefs that my beauty was a curse intensified. Once when a stalker forced his way into my house, I had to call 911. The stalker actually convinenced the 2 officers that responded that we were just fighting and I was suicidal and he was just trying to protect me. They left him there with me that night. He slept right next to me in my bed. What could I do? The next day, one of the cops came back to 'check on me'. He said it was obvious I was not happy in the relationship and asked if I would like to go out with him instead.
So I am the type of person that you tell me I am bad, I will show you bad. I had decided if men were going to continue to use and abuse me for my looks, I was going to use that to my advantage. I had always loved to dance so I took a job as a nude dancer at a club downtown. I actually was treated more respectfully as a stripper than in the Army. No one was allowed to touch me or even say ugly things to me. My bags were carried for me, I was walked to and from my car and no one was allowed to leave after me until my car was out of sight so I was never followed home. I had this false sense of power and control not to mention, men paying me just to look. As powerful as I felt, I can not put into words the damage that did to my soul.
So back to my stalkers, I had this one kid that started following me and he was young and after some of the other more serious incidents I had been involved in, I could do little more than roll my eyes at this poor kid. Well, he would up attempting suicide after my repeated refusals. My superiors actually called me in to tell me I was to blame and I could have prevented what had happened.
The police station manager was a guy I was ok with and I barged into his office and unholstered my 9mil. I dropped the mag. out and slid it across his desk. I unchambered the round that was in the gun then forcefully slid that across his desk into his lap. I told him if he was smart, he would not put a gun in my hands again. I told him to find a way, any way to GET ME OUT. I was done. I was sent to an Army shrink and all it took was me telling just a few of my sexual harrasment stories and they quick got me an honorable discharge and all my benefits and even a little extra to keep me from calling Dateline.
My childhood was not ideal. It was not as bad as some but I grew up not knowing love or security or acceptance. As the oldest of 4 I had too many responsibilities and to this day I have more of a mother role to my siblings than one of a sister.
I was raised in a Catholic church and while I do not think there is anything wrong with being Catholic, the church I was raised in caused me a lot of pain. I had no knowledge of the Word of God but found myself questioning doctrine. I held on to "God" as tight as I could because I needed something to keep my head above the water. My life was drowning me and I was not trying to cause problems but I questioned things in the church and that did not go over so well. I became know as a trouble maker, I was told I was going to hell and eventually I was kicked out.
Back up a few years before I was ex-communicated and my already difficult life took another dive. At 13 I lost my virginity to date rape. I was very confused and could not seem to find anyone to help me or side with me so I started drinking. By the time I was a Sr. in high school, I was drinking on the way to school in the mornings.
High school brought with it all the trauma most girls experience I guess. But my world was tainted by alcohol and loss of hope. When I was kicked out of church, I felt like I lost my faith. I felt like I had nothing to believe in and was so angry at God I wanted nothing to do with anything I thought He represented. I also began believing that the beauty I possessed was a curse that only caused me hurt and pain. I would think I had finally found love and acceptance and find I was only wanted for what I could give.
As I sank deeper into alcohol and hopelessness, I became desperate for escape. So in order to get away from my life, I joined the Army. I was a military police officer and left for Alabama 21 days after I graduated from high school. Unfortunatly I found myself in the same circumstances just with different people, mostly men. From Alabama I went to Korea for a year and before I was in country 2 weeks, I was raped. He was more up there in rank and had a good reputation and in the end I was told 'sorry for the inconvienence'. That was a rough year. From Korea I went to Georgia where things just continued to get worse.
From the very beginning of my army career I not only dealt with sexual harrasment and assault, but also with being stalked. I just could not believe how often it happened and my beliefs that my beauty was a curse intensified. Once when a stalker forced his way into my house, I had to call 911. The stalker actually convinenced the 2 officers that responded that we were just fighting and I was suicidal and he was just trying to protect me. They left him there with me that night. He slept right next to me in my bed. What could I do? The next day, one of the cops came back to 'check on me'. He said it was obvious I was not happy in the relationship and asked if I would like to go out with him instead.
So I am the type of person that you tell me I am bad, I will show you bad. I had decided if men were going to continue to use and abuse me for my looks, I was going to use that to my advantage. I had always loved to dance so I took a job as a nude dancer at a club downtown. I actually was treated more respectfully as a stripper than in the Army. No one was allowed to touch me or even say ugly things to me. My bags were carried for me, I was walked to and from my car and no one was allowed to leave after me until my car was out of sight so I was never followed home. I had this false sense of power and control not to mention, men paying me just to look. As powerful as I felt, I can not put into words the damage that did to my soul.
So back to my stalkers, I had this one kid that started following me and he was young and after some of the other more serious incidents I had been involved in, I could do little more than roll my eyes at this poor kid. Well, he would up attempting suicide after my repeated refusals. My superiors actually called me in to tell me I was to blame and I could have prevented what had happened.
The police station manager was a guy I was ok with and I barged into his office and unholstered my 9mil. I dropped the mag. out and slid it across his desk. I unchambered the round that was in the gun then forcefully slid that across his desk into his lap. I told him if he was smart, he would not put a gun in my hands again. I told him to find a way, any way to GET ME OUT. I was done. I was sent to an Army shrink and all it took was me telling just a few of my sexual harrasment stories and they quick got me an honorable discharge and all my benefits and even a little extra to keep me from calling Dateline.
Friday, January 18, 2008
half way
so I guess I am half way through. I did give in and eat soup the day of my last post. But considering Kenneth tried to talk me into a pizza buffet and I made it through his fast food runs, I feel ok about soup. I have been licking a lot more spoons that I meant to but maybe I am being too hard on myself.
I want to start compiling my testimony to share at the moms bible study I attend. There is so much to my story and I want to make sure it is something that Glorifies God and only speaks life and not death. I would love the opportunity to share what God has done for me not only for others but to remind myself of His Wonder and Goodness and just the vastness of Love He has showered me with. And I hope to be allowed to dance. I want to show other women how He took my ashes and made Beauty. Thats what Im talkin bout.
I want to start compiling my testimony to share at the moms bible study I attend. There is so much to my story and I want to make sure it is something that Glorifies God and only speaks life and not death. I would love the opportunity to share what God has done for me not only for others but to remind myself of His Wonder and Goodness and just the vastness of Love He has showered me with. And I hope to be allowed to dance. I want to show other women how He took my ashes and made Beauty. Thats what Im talkin bout.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
4pm and counting
This is the first day I reeeeaaaalllllly just wanted to quit. Yesterday was my first water only day (not counting the small pot of coffee) and this morning I felt so weird. I was dizzy and just felt weird and today was one of my first HUNGRY days. I ate the peelings from Adrian's apple, a pepermint Jane gave me and 2 popcorns while fixing the kids an afterschool snack. I just want to give in and eat ANYthing. I have been drinking juice and I do not think I will do many more (if any) water only days.
Talking to a friend, she said no one does just water on a 21 day fast. Maybe not but they may do just juice. I also have not spent hours and hours in prayer or bible reading. Not sure what I expected. I have kept up with my daily reading plus other Spiritually beneficial endevers. AND I have not wasted as much time vegging in front the tv or computer. Oh. Except the horrid movie Kenneth talked me into watching. It was funny but full of nudity and casual crazy monkey sex. Not good for a time of seeking God. But then I think, do I want to shut Kenneth totally out? He spends so much time on other things I will have nothing to do with. I do not want him to think I am playing the Holier than thou game with him. It is not an excuse to sin! Seriously. I feel so much spiritual distance from him already I am careful not to create more.
If I were closer to the end I may have more endurance so for now all I can do is wait for this day to end and hope tomorrow (and the next 11 days) are easier. I am re-evaluating the plan I started with. I think I will do juice every day and maybe even soup or fruits and veggies on weekends. I have rasins and trail mix that I may need before this day ends. It does not help I really like what I made the family for supper. Neither does it help that I think my pants fit better too. I have not weighed so that is one goal I have stuck to but I keep thinking I may have lost the 5 pounds I wanted so now is a good time to eat again.
Denying the flesh and empathising with the poor is supposed to be part of fasting so maybe I just need to Praise through this. I can do all things through Christ. That's what I'm talkin bout Jesus.
Talking to a friend, she said no one does just water on a 21 day fast. Maybe not but they may do just juice. I also have not spent hours and hours in prayer or bible reading. Not sure what I expected. I have kept up with my daily reading plus other Spiritually beneficial endevers. AND I have not wasted as much time vegging in front the tv or computer. Oh. Except the horrid movie Kenneth talked me into watching. It was funny but full of nudity and casual crazy monkey sex. Not good for a time of seeking God. But then I think, do I want to shut Kenneth totally out? He spends so much time on other things I will have nothing to do with. I do not want him to think I am playing the Holier than thou game with him. It is not an excuse to sin! Seriously. I feel so much spiritual distance from him already I am careful not to create more.
If I were closer to the end I may have more endurance so for now all I can do is wait for this day to end and hope tomorrow (and the next 11 days) are easier. I am re-evaluating the plan I started with. I think I will do juice every day and maybe even soup or fruits and veggies on weekends. I have rasins and trail mix that I may need before this day ends. It does not help I really like what I made the family for supper. Neither does it help that I think my pants fit better too. I have not weighed so that is one goal I have stuck to but I keep thinking I may have lost the 5 pounds I wanted so now is a good time to eat again.
Denying the flesh and empathising with the poor is supposed to be part of fasting so maybe I just need to Praise through this. I can do all things through Christ. That's what I'm talkin bout Jesus.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Still Going...
One week ago today I started a fast and while I licked a few spoons and fingers I am hanging in there. I have to say I am supprised that this is harder on a mental level than a physical one. I mean, I am hungry and I am trying to avoid being around food but it is not that bad. I almost feel like Weight Watchers was harder at times as far as hunger goes. I keep wanting to eat out of habit or bordom or for pleasure. I have kept up on my bible readings and have done some other things as well. I have tried to not waste idle time and have kept up with more household chores than usual. Funny what I can get done when I am not wasting time. I do see that I have more to do than I can handle though. I will never catch up and that is going to have to be ok. I will keep on keeping on and not let my joy be stolen.
Today I heard something from God that was lovely. I am not under the control of anything other than the Spirit of God. Not sugar, not coffee, not anything other than the Spirit of God. I want to be able to have A piece of cake or A serving of something delicious and not sin in my eating. Whatever I eat or drink or whatever I do, let it all be for the glory of God.
I have to admit I am still thinking about the scale and my pants size and how this fast could get me to my goal weight and I know that is not the mindset I want to have. If I am not under the control of any foods, I CAN be my goal weight and have my pants fit properly and not be too tight and uncomfortable. I just see I am not where I want to be. I am still seeking God's hand instead of His face. I have 13 days left to get there. That's what I'm talking about.
Today I heard something from God that was lovely. I am not under the control of anything other than the Spirit of God. Not sugar, not coffee, not anything other than the Spirit of God. I want to be able to have A piece of cake or A serving of something delicious and not sin in my eating. Whatever I eat or drink or whatever I do, let it all be for the glory of God.
I have to admit I am still thinking about the scale and my pants size and how this fast could get me to my goal weight and I know that is not the mindset I want to have. If I am not under the control of any foods, I CAN be my goal weight and have my pants fit properly and not be too tight and uncomfortable. I just see I am not where I want to be. I am still seeking God's hand instead of His face. I have 13 days left to get there. That's what I'm talking about.
Monday, January 07, 2008
21 Day Fast
Can I blog about this? I always have the feeling it is never read so it is not like I am bragging or even letting everyone know what I am doing.
I decided to join my church in a corporate 21 day fast to start the new year. I want to stop talking about moving to a new level with God and start DOing. I have a few goals, persay, for 2008. My God Word for the Haynes family is joy. My prayer is for every member of my family to hear God's voice more, better, louder, whatever.
Kenneth wants to get our finances in order (which is an answer to a long going prayer for me) so of course I want to do whatever is necessary to accomplish that.
Personally, I want to read the entire bible in a year and finally LISTEN to what God has been telling me about my eating habits and the way I treat my body (the temple of the Holy Spirit). I have been praying about eating better and He has REALLY been speaking to me about that but I have not acted yet. Well, not before today anyway.
My clothes (the ones I can still get into) are all uncomfortable but it is not just that. It is not a dress size or number on the scale. My family has horrible eating habbits! How in the world can I teach them right when I refuse to do right? It matters not that they see me eat the salad and not sneak the 3 pieces of cake with extra icing and ice cream. God has shown me I have moved into sinning when I eat. He wants me to stop, I want to stop and I want my heart to be more interested in glorifing God and not grieving the Holy Spirit within me than how I look in my pants.
I am doing this fast for God. To hear Him, to seek Him, to finally move into that next level of intimate relationship with Him. I am on day 1. Of 21. It sounds so scary. Today was good though. My bible study brought me to 1 Cor 10:31 that says whatever I eat or drink, whatever I do must all be for the glory of God. I have failed in this area so much but I am ready to repent and start fresh.
My daily bible reading just happened to be on fasting. Hmm. I hear my Father. He says He loves me. He says I can trust Him. He says He will help me. He will show me new things if I will follow Him. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.
I decided to join my church in a corporate 21 day fast to start the new year. I want to stop talking about moving to a new level with God and start DOing. I have a few goals, persay, for 2008. My God Word for the Haynes family is joy. My prayer is for every member of my family to hear God's voice more, better, louder, whatever.
Kenneth wants to get our finances in order (which is an answer to a long going prayer for me) so of course I want to do whatever is necessary to accomplish that.
Personally, I want to read the entire bible in a year and finally LISTEN to what God has been telling me about my eating habits and the way I treat my body (the temple of the Holy Spirit). I have been praying about eating better and He has REALLY been speaking to me about that but I have not acted yet. Well, not before today anyway.
My clothes (the ones I can still get into) are all uncomfortable but it is not just that. It is not a dress size or number on the scale. My family has horrible eating habbits! How in the world can I teach them right when I refuse to do right? It matters not that they see me eat the salad and not sneak the 3 pieces of cake with extra icing and ice cream. God has shown me I have moved into sinning when I eat. He wants me to stop, I want to stop and I want my heart to be more interested in glorifing God and not grieving the Holy Spirit within me than how I look in my pants.
I am doing this fast for God. To hear Him, to seek Him, to finally move into that next level of intimate relationship with Him. I am on day 1. Of 21. It sounds so scary. Today was good though. My bible study brought me to 1 Cor 10:31 that says whatever I eat or drink, whatever I do must all be for the glory of God. I have failed in this area so much but I am ready to repent and start fresh.
My daily bible reading just happened to be on fasting. Hmm. I hear my Father. He says He loves me. He says I can trust Him. He says He will help me. He will show me new things if I will follow Him. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
2008
It is a new year; 2008. My church, HPC (www.healingplacechurch.org) is reading the bible in a year. I have never done that. I plan to give it a go. My prayer for this year is for my family to hear God's Voice when He speaks to us and to support my husband's goals. I would also like to have more joy in my home. We choose joy despite our circumstances and I want to have more positive than negative this year.
He wants to keep his desk clean and get out of debt (which means stop spending huge amounts on our credit cards). The get out of debt thing will not be easy but I HOPE and PRAY he will stop the out of control credit card charging. My surgery is going to cost us a lot and I hope the medical bills will give him a practical reminder of his goals. I want to be positive with him and not critical. When I am critical, I know it makes it that much harder for him to follow through.
The girls and I have been watching Hairspray and we really love it. I had to explain some things because it is set back in 1962 and is about intergration and segragation. Also, they smoke and drink while pregnant because they were not aware of the dangers yet. I was quite amused when yesterday my 5 year old asked if it was ok for black people to marry white people. I asked her if she didn't think her daddy and I looked different from each other but I think I embarassed because she was like, Oh sure, I know. I was just talking about on the movie. I am not sure what she thinks. I guess it can be confusing to them. We never differentiate when people are white or black so maybe it is harder for her to tell. Especially with me being dark and her daddy being light. So now I have to decide if that is good or bad. Well, not really. I will just let it be and have joy that she does not understand prejudice.
I am getting excited about my surgery and hope I stay saved through my recovery. I plan to blog quite a bit about it. Fixed insides and new boobs. That's what Im talkin about.
He wants to keep his desk clean and get out of debt (which means stop spending huge amounts on our credit cards). The get out of debt thing will not be easy but I HOPE and PRAY he will stop the out of control credit card charging. My surgery is going to cost us a lot and I hope the medical bills will give him a practical reminder of his goals. I want to be positive with him and not critical. When I am critical, I know it makes it that much harder for him to follow through.
The girls and I have been watching Hairspray and we really love it. I had to explain some things because it is set back in 1962 and is about intergration and segragation. Also, they smoke and drink while pregnant because they were not aware of the dangers yet. I was quite amused when yesterday my 5 year old asked if it was ok for black people to marry white people. I asked her if she didn't think her daddy and I looked different from each other but I think I embarassed because she was like, Oh sure, I know. I was just talking about on the movie. I am not sure what she thinks. I guess it can be confusing to them. We never differentiate when people are white or black so maybe it is harder for her to tell. Especially with me being dark and her daddy being light. So now I have to decide if that is good or bad. Well, not really. I will just let it be and have joy that she does not understand prejudice.
I am getting excited about my surgery and hope I stay saved through my recovery. I plan to blog quite a bit about it. Fixed insides and new boobs. That's what Im talkin about.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Follow up post to Shopping for a hooker
this is why I shopped for a Hooker. For this outreach. I wanted to go but I think I chickened out. Still, I was a part.
Outreach Testimonies: Part 2
I got this note for the people of HPC from Alliece Cole - written by Donna Frank after a very special outreach a few days ago:
‘Twas the Midnight Before Christmas
192 roses, 3 strip clubs, 2 Hooters restaurants and Bennie’s Bar
The Alamo is quiet tonight…dozens of rooms left empty after a rash of break-ins forced people to seek safer housing. The man working security tells us we should go; that it’s not safe. We smile and thank him for his concern. We give his girlfriend a rose and a gift bag. She hugs us and thanks us profusely. He is skeptical but takes the box of chocolates we offer him. We wish them a Merry Christmas and get back in the shuttle. We talk to several more women before we leave; each one of them confused by our presence but clearly grateful. For most, we are their only reminder that Christmas is good.
The ladies working at the clubs are equally confused by us. They struggle to maintain composure as the peek into their gift bags to look at the earrings, chocolates, trinkets and gifts. Excitement replaces skepticism as they start pulling out their small treasures. A bouncer tells us that these are the best gifts these ladies will receive.
The bags contain mostly HPWomen leftovers: sparkly crowns, head bands, t-shirts, coffee mugs, jewelry, hand lotion and fancy chocolates. They also contain the necessities of life: tissue, breath mints, Tylenol and a copy of Pastor Dino’s book, Turning Points - everything a girl needs to get through the holidays.
The streets always hold an undercurrent of desperation, but this near to Christmas, everything is magnified. The tears are closer, the rage is hotter, and everything can turn on a dime. That’s why we’re there. We want to be available when people are willing to turn… we want them to have an option other than violence, drugs or hatred. Jesus is never closer to people than when they’re on the edge. Tonight, you allowed us to walk the edge with them.
Your prayers, your support, your commitment and your willingness to serve is what opens the door for us to walk the streets at midnight and pray for the people. You allow us to bring light to a dark and discarded world. You bring hope to the hopeless. You love the unlovable. You are the hands of Jesus.
Drug addicts, prostitutes, pimps and dancers were reminded tonight that they are not forgotten. God didn’t forget them, and neither did Healing Place Church. Thank you for enabling us to be a healing place for a hurting world.
All for His glory.
Outreach Testimonies: Part 2
I got this note for the people of HPC from Alliece Cole - written by Donna Frank after a very special outreach a few days ago:
‘Twas the Midnight Before Christmas
192 roses, 3 strip clubs, 2 Hooters restaurants and Bennie’s Bar
The Alamo is quiet tonight…dozens of rooms left empty after a rash of break-ins forced people to seek safer housing. The man working security tells us we should go; that it’s not safe. We smile and thank him for his concern. We give his girlfriend a rose and a gift bag. She hugs us and thanks us profusely. He is skeptical but takes the box of chocolates we offer him. We wish them a Merry Christmas and get back in the shuttle. We talk to several more women before we leave; each one of them confused by our presence but clearly grateful. For most, we are their only reminder that Christmas is good.
The ladies working at the clubs are equally confused by us. They struggle to maintain composure as the peek into their gift bags to look at the earrings, chocolates, trinkets and gifts. Excitement replaces skepticism as they start pulling out their small treasures. A bouncer tells us that these are the best gifts these ladies will receive.
The bags contain mostly HPWomen leftovers: sparkly crowns, head bands, t-shirts, coffee mugs, jewelry, hand lotion and fancy chocolates. They also contain the necessities of life: tissue, breath mints, Tylenol and a copy of Pastor Dino’s book, Turning Points - everything a girl needs to get through the holidays.
The streets always hold an undercurrent of desperation, but this near to Christmas, everything is magnified. The tears are closer, the rage is hotter, and everything can turn on a dime. That’s why we’re there. We want to be available when people are willing to turn… we want them to have an option other than violence, drugs or hatred. Jesus is never closer to people than when they’re on the edge. Tonight, you allowed us to walk the edge with them.
Your prayers, your support, your commitment and your willingness to serve is what opens the door for us to walk the streets at midnight and pray for the people. You allow us to bring light to a dark and discarded world. You bring hope to the hopeless. You love the unlovable. You are the hands of Jesus.
Drug addicts, prostitutes, pimps and dancers were reminded tonight that they are not forgotten. God didn’t forget them, and neither did Healing Place Church. Thank you for enabling us to be a healing place for a hurting world.
All for His glory.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Happy Birthday Jesus
Well, I miss Disney, but Christmas was still ok. I still find it hard to only see the Wonder of Christ's birth in the midst of the gifts, food, traveling and especially through the humaness that makes up family. I think Disney was so magical for me because while I have had wonderful family vacations with my own husband and children, this was a trip I had been on as a child that held less than magical memories. Kinda like Christmas and holidays. Momma often talks about the wonderful family get togethers we had and here I remember anything but joy. I remember her anger and disappointment and there is still the running family joke of who will get blamed for ruining the current family holiday or event for her. Rachel took Christmas this year. ; )
Disney was a good replay; like a do-over that was a lovely reminder that the past does not determine my present or future. Alas, the holidays still have parts of the past chained to them. I try to learn that it is my choice in how I react to those parts. My emotions and scars just still rule me more than I care to admit. Thanks to my Savior, I can try again tomorrow to honor Him and allow Love to reign in my life. That is what I'm talkin about.
Disney was a good replay; like a do-over that was a lovely reminder that the past does not determine my present or future. Alas, the holidays still have parts of the past chained to them. I try to learn that it is my choice in how I react to those parts. My emotions and scars just still rule me more than I care to admit. Thanks to my Savior, I can try again tomorrow to honor Him and allow Love to reign in my life. That is what I'm talkin about.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
He Speaks to me
While I SOO want to blog about the magical wonder that is Disney and the most incredible time we had, I have to say this first. Church Sunday was preached by Pricilla Shire. I have only done one bible study of hers but it was FAB. Church Sunday was FABULOUS. She taught that if you are a Christian, God will speak to you. He will. That is Truth. We need to accept that for what it is.
So yesterday I had some great things happen, mainly I prayed and asked for at least $200 in TS orders and I got right at $1000. Today I woke up not knowing how I was going to accomplish my TO DO list. I had to find the time and money to go to the post office and mail a bunch of stuff and possibly give up my weekend to hand deliver some stuff to Lake Charles (only 3 hours away). Rachel called and asked if she could give me my weekend back by asking mom to bring the girls and stuff to LC without me (YES!!!-well, almost. Have not heard from mom yet). Also, I found enough cards, card sized gifts and a TON of stamps so all I had to do was brave Hwy 73 and put the stuff all ready to go in the mail box. Also, I had on my list to go buy some stuff for Avery's class (more time and money) and got an early morning email saying I did not have to, some one else took care of it for me. AND THEN! I brought Em's blanket to get monogramed and they said Thursday it would be ready but called today to say it was done!! AND I have time to go get it because of all the other places I do NOT have to go. That's what I'm talkin' bout BABY!!!
So yesterday I had some great things happen, mainly I prayed and asked for at least $200 in TS orders and I got right at $1000. Today I woke up not knowing how I was going to accomplish my TO DO list. I had to find the time and money to go to the post office and mail a bunch of stuff and possibly give up my weekend to hand deliver some stuff to Lake Charles (only 3 hours away). Rachel called and asked if she could give me my weekend back by asking mom to bring the girls and stuff to LC without me (YES!!!-well, almost. Have not heard from mom yet). Also, I found enough cards, card sized gifts and a TON of stamps so all I had to do was brave Hwy 73 and put the stuff all ready to go in the mail box. Also, I had on my list to go buy some stuff for Avery's class (more time and money) and got an early morning email saying I did not have to, some one else took care of it for me. AND THEN! I brought Em's blanket to get monogramed and they said Thursday it would be ready but called today to say it was done!! AND I have time to go get it because of all the other places I do NOT have to go. That's what I'm talkin' bout BABY!!!
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Shoppin for a hooker
I love my church. I attend a Moms bible study which is geared towards stay at home moms and their young children. Today was so awesome. A lot better than usual in my opinion. A woman who does inner city outreach shared about the things she does with the homeless, with the dealers, with the strippers and the hookers. She gave us suburban middle classed have enough money that we dont have to work dressed in our trendy fashions latte sippin moms an insight into her world and invited us to join her on whatever level we wanted to. Our origional plans for the next time we met was to bring a pair of earings or a bracelet to do a gift swap with each other but after hearing this woman talk about how touched these women she encountered are to get the smallest gift, we decided to step it up and give all the gifts to the strippers and hookers. I Love my life and want the steril safe environment I created to stay intact on a lot of days. I would love my daughters to not know the ugly side of life and often I am too tired and overwhelmed with the Others in my life to look across the street to the person in the ditch. When I see them, then I have the pressure of reaching and streatching some more and I admit most days I just would rather avoid all that.
Now I have had a heart for strippers for a long time and wanted to get involved with the out reach to them. I plan to try to make the next outreach on December 21st but when I got home Kenneth said he wanted to go get a pair of shoes and some shirts. I got pumped and told him I was coming because I needed to get a Christmas present for a hooker!
Bless his heart, he tries to understand me. He thought the stuff I bought was too hookerish and I should get them something more modest but I think I did good. I also spent a bit extra on a lovely velvet gift box. He asked who the gift box was for and when I told him the hooker he tried to stop me but after 10 years together, he reconizes unstoppable passion in me when he sees it. I need my boat rocked sometimes. I need to see that the more I stretch the farther I can reach. I have to face the ugly to appreciate the Beauty.
God has given me so much beauty for ashes and pulled me out of so much ugly and I KNOW He did not do that for me to just settle into comfort and a world of nice. He did it so I can shine my light to someone like who I was so they can become the trend wearing latte drinking girl I have become. I do often feel like I am uncomfortable in my skin and while I know I have issues to work out I also think that can be the itch of comfort. We think comfort is good but I think it is deceptive. Was Jesus ever comfortable? Then why should I strive for that to be the norm. God knows my hooker's name. I pray she experiences the love of Christ. Tonight as it dips into the mid 40s and when she gets my pretty velvet box. That's what I'm talkin bout, baby.
Now I have had a heart for strippers for a long time and wanted to get involved with the out reach to them. I plan to try to make the next outreach on December 21st but when I got home Kenneth said he wanted to go get a pair of shoes and some shirts. I got pumped and told him I was coming because I needed to get a Christmas present for a hooker!
Bless his heart, he tries to understand me. He thought the stuff I bought was too hookerish and I should get them something more modest but I think I did good. I also spent a bit extra on a lovely velvet gift box. He asked who the gift box was for and when I told him the hooker he tried to stop me but after 10 years together, he reconizes unstoppable passion in me when he sees it. I need my boat rocked sometimes. I need to see that the more I stretch the farther I can reach. I have to face the ugly to appreciate the Beauty.
God has given me so much beauty for ashes and pulled me out of so much ugly and I KNOW He did not do that for me to just settle into comfort and a world of nice. He did it so I can shine my light to someone like who I was so they can become the trend wearing latte drinking girl I have become. I do often feel like I am uncomfortable in my skin and while I know I have issues to work out I also think that can be the itch of comfort. We think comfort is good but I think it is deceptive. Was Jesus ever comfortable? Then why should I strive for that to be the norm. God knows my hooker's name. I pray she experiences the love of Christ. Tonight as it dips into the mid 40s and when she gets my pretty velvet box. That's what I'm talkin bout, baby.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Last Week before the Secret Reveal!
So last night I went shopping and spent some of the funnest money EVER! My origional intentions were for new kicks for myself (I do not own tennis but felt I needed some for the Disney trip) and the annual PJs for the girls' Christmas tradition. This year I thought I would do them with a twist.
It is important to Kenneth and I to have some annual traditions and one of them for Christmas is new PJs for the girls. With the surprize Disney trip just over a week away I came up with the idea to get the PJs early, get Disney ones and pack them to give the first night of the Disney stay. Well, there I was with money, shopping on the brain, the trip a week away and mounting excitement, not to mention Sale signs, and my ideas kept growing. I bought 2 additional outfits for each girl plus some Disney attire for my self. And after looking at hundreds of pairs of shoes and trying on a dozen pairs AND talking with quite a few over zealous sales people, I FINALLY found some new kicks I liked so much, I bought it in 2 colors!
I was so excited I came home and put the girls to bed as fast as I could so I could start packing! Then this morning I realized I needed some stuff I packed already. But I am super stoked!
So tomorrow is Monday and we just have to get through the entire week (which is pretty full!) and the Secret will be REVEALED!!! Om my gosh so many times I went to say when we got to Disney... or when we get back from Disney... or HEY GIRLS LETS GO TO DISNEY!!!
The plan is to wake them Monday and say time for school. Go get in mama and daddy's bed and I will bring you your clothes. I bring in the Disney outfits and when they say ANYTHING we will start screaming at them LET'S GO TO DISNEY!!! On an AIRPLANE no less!!! This is gonna be so stinkin fun!
I gotta go make a buncha lists. Oh my gosh, so close! THATS WHAT IM TALKIN BOUT BABY!!!!
It is important to Kenneth and I to have some annual traditions and one of them for Christmas is new PJs for the girls. With the surprize Disney trip just over a week away I came up with the idea to get the PJs early, get Disney ones and pack them to give the first night of the Disney stay. Well, there I was with money, shopping on the brain, the trip a week away and mounting excitement, not to mention Sale signs, and my ideas kept growing. I bought 2 additional outfits for each girl plus some Disney attire for my self. And after looking at hundreds of pairs of shoes and trying on a dozen pairs AND talking with quite a few over zealous sales people, I FINALLY found some new kicks I liked so much, I bought it in 2 colors!
I was so excited I came home and put the girls to bed as fast as I could so I could start packing! Then this morning I realized I needed some stuff I packed already. But I am super stoked!
So tomorrow is Monday and we just have to get through the entire week (which is pretty full!) and the Secret will be REVEALED!!! Om my gosh so many times I went to say when we got to Disney... or when we get back from Disney... or HEY GIRLS LETS GO TO DISNEY!!!
The plan is to wake them Monday and say time for school. Go get in mama and daddy's bed and I will bring you your clothes. I bring in the Disney outfits and when they say ANYTHING we will start screaming at them LET'S GO TO DISNEY!!! On an AIRPLANE no less!!! This is gonna be so stinkin fun!
I gotta go make a buncha lists. Oh my gosh, so close! THATS WHAT IM TALKIN BOUT BABY!!!!
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
9 years
Today is November 20th, 2007. I married my husband 9 years ago, just 3 months after our baby girl died. I often realize what a good husband Kenneth has been to me despite our rough start. He did not have to stay with me for the first baby, or after we lost her and had nothing commiting us to each other. He has worked hard and despites his faults, has provided extreemly well for me and our girls all this time. I am not always good to him. I have often been horribly disrespectful to him. I do not often support him, but he loves me and shows me and continues to try to do right by me. I love him more, and even better, I like him more the longer we are together. He makes me laugh. He melts my heart. He is a gift from God to me.
I have to admit our Anniversary did not start too great. We both hate to wait with gifts and want to give them right away so we exchanged gifts last night. I did not like mine and he did not like his. I was even upset because I thought to myself, 'I gave the man a list of what I want and I already HAVE what he bought me (if you know Kenneth, no surprize, he got me the upgrade) and I love what I have and just because HE thinks I need an upgrade, it does not do what the old one does that I love and how can he do this to me WHINE WHINE WHINE!
But I decided to wake up today and just be glad about the gift of 9 years of marriage to a man I still love. I went got him a cheesecake and told him Happy Anniversary and asked for a gift of him cleaning the stove (a job he does not mind as far as actual work not on the computer goes and one I loath). He may or may not do it but I am ok with that. I am, however a little sensitive to the fact that both my mom and his mom called and did not mention what today is. I still feel my mom does not support my marriage (she was so against it in the beginning) but I think my main issue today is Ned was the one who NEVER forgot our anniversary. I could count on her to remember when no one else did and she is not here. I was very blessed in a bunch of tiny ways today even though I woke up with a 'the whole world is against me and its not fair' attitude. How like Jesus is it to kill me with kindness. So Happy Anniversary to me. There will be many more. That's what I'm talkin about. Baby.
I have to admit our Anniversary did not start too great. We both hate to wait with gifts and want to give them right away so we exchanged gifts last night. I did not like mine and he did not like his. I was even upset because I thought to myself, 'I gave the man a list of what I want and I already HAVE what he bought me (if you know Kenneth, no surprize, he got me the upgrade) and I love what I have and just because HE thinks I need an upgrade, it does not do what the old one does that I love and how can he do this to me WHINE WHINE WHINE!
But I decided to wake up today and just be glad about the gift of 9 years of marriage to a man I still love. I went got him a cheesecake and told him Happy Anniversary and asked for a gift of him cleaning the stove (a job he does not mind as far as actual work not on the computer goes and one I loath). He may or may not do it but I am ok with that. I am, however a little sensitive to the fact that both my mom and his mom called and did not mention what today is. I still feel my mom does not support my marriage (she was so against it in the beginning) but I think my main issue today is Ned was the one who NEVER forgot our anniversary. I could count on her to remember when no one else did and she is not here. I was very blessed in a bunch of tiny ways today even though I woke up with a 'the whole world is against me and its not fair' attitude. How like Jesus is it to kill me with kindness. So Happy Anniversary to me. There will be many more. That's what I'm talkin about. Baby.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Fwds
I must admit I am usually annoyed beyond belief at stupid Fwd emails about send this prayer to 10 people or your house will burn down or send to all your friends and the one who sent it to you so you can see how many people love you and my BIGGEST pet peve is the well intentioned ones sending me the latest warning about cleaning products, scams and other ways people have come up with to ruin my life. There are MANY websites people, to check the validity of this stuff! Google it even! Here is one for you on the off chance one of you suckers takes the time out of your life from saving the day of the common stay at home moms to read my blog: www.snopes.com. Please. For the love of all that is good and holy, do not send me crap out of the concern overflowing out of your heart for me without taking a nanosecond to find out if it is true or not. And since you had the guts to read this I will just tell you the truth; it makes you look stupid. Bless your little heart.
That said, I got a Fwd today and rolled my eyes but I opened it on the off chance the sender had included a personal note to me. She had not by the way. I did, however find a nugget. Maybe more than that even. This could almost be catagorized as a 6 peice nugget value meal. Supersized would be pushing it but I thought it worth posting here. It was titled:
I Am Invisible
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, "Can't you see I'm on the phone?" Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.
I'm invisible. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, "What time is it?" I'm a satellite guide to answer, "What number is the Disney Channel?" I'm acre to order, "Right around 5:30, please."I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going... she's going... she's gone!
One night a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, "I brought you this."
It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: "To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees."
In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:
(1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.
(2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.
(3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.
(4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.
A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, "Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it." And the workman replied, "Because God sees."
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, "I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become."
At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.
When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table." That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, "You're gonna love it there."As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.
THATS what Im talkin bout baby.
That said, I got a Fwd today and rolled my eyes but I opened it on the off chance the sender had included a personal note to me. She had not by the way. I did, however find a nugget. Maybe more than that even. This could almost be catagorized as a 6 peice nugget value meal. Supersized would be pushing it but I thought it worth posting here. It was titled:
I Am Invisible
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, "Can't you see I'm on the phone?" Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.
I'm invisible. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, "What time is it?" I'm a satellite guide to answer, "What number is the Disney Channel?" I'm acre to order, "Right around 5:30, please."I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going... she's going... she's gone!
One night a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, "I brought you this."
It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: "To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees."
In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:
(1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.
(2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.
(3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.
(4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.
A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, "Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it." And the workman replied, "Because God sees."
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, "I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become."
At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.
When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table." That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, "You're gonna love it there."As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.
THATS what Im talkin bout baby.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
That time of year
In the past, I go fetal around mid-October. I guess this year I have been too busy to fall apart. I feel bounced between the thoughts of Peace and War, Rest and Work, Life and Death. It seems this year those themes are amped in my life. It has been almost one year since the day Ned was diagnosed with cancer (Nov. 17th). Two new babies have been born into our family (Ned's daughter and son each had a baby in late October). I have my annual loss exhibit in November and annual memorial service in December. I have felt slammed by battles in my mind over things I thought were part of my past, not my present. I feel no repreave from Death and this time of year, I seem to be surrounded by it. I know it is part of my calling, my ministry, but it feels too heavy sometimes. Out of balance.
I have always heard the saying 'Little kids, little problems; big kids, big problems'. I am starting to live it. My girls are growing up and getting, well, big. I can no longer keep them under my wing. I have no choice but to allow them to venture out in the world where the devil roams around like a lion looking for someone to devour. I feel so little confidence in how I have prepaired and equiped them. I feel devoured some days myself; hardly able to survive my own wars, much less fight someone elses.
My tank feels empty often and instead of turning to my Source, I just get pissed and spew venom. Like that will help. Things are not all bad, like I said, I am not balled up in the fetal position not willing to open my eyes and face the day, I just feel emotional, drained, isolated and alone. I need to be touched and talked to and it would be nice for someone to walk along side me. Jesus is there. I want Him to be enough and I am mad at myself that I will not let Him be. I mean, when He tells me to do something and I refuse, I know who's fault that is. I just feel so vurnarable and sensitive. I feel confused. I do not seem to know where the line is between the Proverbs woman who never seems to sleep and David who rests in the Shadow of the Almighty and is willing to be still and know, even in the face of turmoil.
I want to live the Word. I want to be equiped by the Word, I want to show God my love by obeying His Word. Now to decide if I should do that after I finish the laundry or if I should get to bed before it is tomorrow already. That's what Im talkin about.
I have always heard the saying 'Little kids, little problems; big kids, big problems'. I am starting to live it. My girls are growing up and getting, well, big. I can no longer keep them under my wing. I have no choice but to allow them to venture out in the world where the devil roams around like a lion looking for someone to devour. I feel so little confidence in how I have prepaired and equiped them. I feel devoured some days myself; hardly able to survive my own wars, much less fight someone elses.
My tank feels empty often and instead of turning to my Source, I just get pissed and spew venom. Like that will help. Things are not all bad, like I said, I am not balled up in the fetal position not willing to open my eyes and face the day, I just feel emotional, drained, isolated and alone. I need to be touched and talked to and it would be nice for someone to walk along side me. Jesus is there. I want Him to be enough and I am mad at myself that I will not let Him be. I mean, when He tells me to do something and I refuse, I know who's fault that is. I just feel so vurnarable and sensitive. I feel confused. I do not seem to know where the line is between the Proverbs woman who never seems to sleep and David who rests in the Shadow of the Almighty and is willing to be still and know, even in the face of turmoil.
I want to live the Word. I want to be equiped by the Word, I want to show God my love by obeying His Word. Now to decide if I should do that after I finish the laundry or if I should get to bed before it is tomorrow already. That's what Im talkin about.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Backwards Period
Now that my period is over my face is all broken out, I have cramps and I am fighting depression so bad I have to force myself to shower and brush my teeth. Kenneth is on turn around. He works every night until it is over. He comes home and wakes everyone up before the alarm then goes to sleep. He then gets up about an hour and a half before he needs to go to work again. Thank GOD I am not a single mother or that things are not always like this. I am a wreck.
Usually I have enough anger to fuel me. I have enough fight in me to keep on keepin on. I can keep going, I just do not want to as much. I want the house to be clean, I want chocolate, I want to not care about what the chocolate does to my ass, I want good sex, I want ANY sex, I want to feel somebody is on my side, I want my own room, I want someone to say 'God bless you' when I sneeze, I want to weigh 10 pounds less, I want to not be in debt, I want to never pay late fees, I want to not have to be responsible, I want to ride a motorcycle, I want another tattoo, I want to drink, I want to do drugs, I want to be so satisfied with Jesus, I do not need sex, chocolate or a God bless you. Hmm. I want the Rapture. I want Peace. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.
Usually I have enough anger to fuel me. I have enough fight in me to keep on keepin on. I can keep going, I just do not want to as much. I want the house to be clean, I want chocolate, I want to not care about what the chocolate does to my ass, I want good sex, I want ANY sex, I want to feel somebody is on my side, I want my own room, I want someone to say 'God bless you' when I sneeze, I want to weigh 10 pounds less, I want to not be in debt, I want to never pay late fees, I want to not have to be responsible, I want to ride a motorcycle, I want another tattoo, I want to drink, I want to do drugs, I want to be so satisfied with Jesus, I do not need sex, chocolate or a God bless you. Hmm. I want the Rapture. I want Peace. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Body Talk and Football
My oldest daughter turned 8 yesterday. I just found out more changes occur between the ages of 8-13 in girls than in the first 12 months of life when we go from a tiny helpless newborn to a fat toddeling one year old. I also learned that your feet grow faster than any other body part so they reach full size first. I bought myself books, my daughter books, read every article I notice on the topic, listen to every radio or tv teaching on this type of stuff and I can. not. believe. I am living it. When I was pregnant for Avery I went to a parenting class. When I learned it was a girl I narrowed my field of study. I think I was so worried I would be too scared to do things like have 'the talk' and answer questions and properly educate that I went over board with it all. I am no longer fearful of dealing with this type of stuff (periods, bras, body hair, boys, sex, etc) I am just finding myself a tad bewildered that I am living in this world already. Like I have been preping for 8 years or more and am just taken aback to find myself here. It is almost not even a big deal. It is just life. Our world. The Norm.
I often find myself feeling like day after day just slips by so fast I hardly have time to catch my breath but I still did not acknowledge my children were growing up before my eyes faster than I could blink twice. It is not scary. It is even kind of beautiful in a bizare sort of way. I just want so badly to VALUE my time as Mother to my girls. I need to slow down and be intentional about what matters and not sweat the small stuff more often.
THAT brings me to football. While I am very aware that my opinions and lack of restrainment often hurts and offends others, this is my blog so put your big girl (or big boy) panties on if you want to know what I think. Can some people please grow the hell up and stop investing so much into something that counts for NOTHING!! I am just so sick of people getting so bent out of shape about something that will not last into the eternal. Now before you think I am talking to you, understand it also pisses me off what athletes get paid. People want to bitch and moan that my Pastor and many other Godly people I support live a NOT simple life and spend money on non-necessities when they can give MORE to the poor (because they are already giving a butt load away) and should live a more simple ie poor lifestyle or their preaching will fall on deaf ears. Give me a fliping break and try spending as much time seeking the Lord as the money spending people of God and THEN come tell me you think they are wrong to spend the way they do. And then set your salvation aside and go watch a football game. I see the log in my eye. I do. I just feel like I am consistant. I am what I am and while I may appologize to you about it, I do not really mean it. I really think you need to get over your self. You do not have to like me. I will see you in heaven anyway. I am greatful for the awesome friends I have. The ones who allow me to be me and accept me as I am. They never have to agree with me but they do not ask me to not be me. To the rest of you? I say God bless you out loud with a smile on my face. The Word tells me to try my best to get along with everyone and live in peace as much as it is up to me(Romans 12:18). I will fake it till I make it. That's what Im talkin bout baby.
I often find myself feeling like day after day just slips by so fast I hardly have time to catch my breath but I still did not acknowledge my children were growing up before my eyes faster than I could blink twice. It is not scary. It is even kind of beautiful in a bizare sort of way. I just want so badly to VALUE my time as Mother to my girls. I need to slow down and be intentional about what matters and not sweat the small stuff more often.
THAT brings me to football. While I am very aware that my opinions and lack of restrainment often hurts and offends others, this is my blog so put your big girl (or big boy) panties on if you want to know what I think. Can some people please grow the hell up and stop investing so much into something that counts for NOTHING!! I am just so sick of people getting so bent out of shape about something that will not last into the eternal. Now before you think I am talking to you, understand it also pisses me off what athletes get paid. People want to bitch and moan that my Pastor and many other Godly people I support live a NOT simple life and spend money on non-necessities when they can give MORE to the poor (because they are already giving a butt load away) and should live a more simple ie poor lifestyle or their preaching will fall on deaf ears. Give me a fliping break and try spending as much time seeking the Lord as the money spending people of God and THEN come tell me you think they are wrong to spend the way they do. And then set your salvation aside and go watch a football game. I see the log in my eye. I do. I just feel like I am consistant. I am what I am and while I may appologize to you about it, I do not really mean it. I really think you need to get over your self. You do not have to like me. I will see you in heaven anyway. I am greatful for the awesome friends I have. The ones who allow me to be me and accept me as I am. They never have to agree with me but they do not ask me to not be me. To the rest of you? I say God bless you out loud with a smile on my face. The Word tells me to try my best to get along with everyone and live in peace as much as it is up to me(Romans 12:18). I will fake it till I make it. That's what Im talkin bout baby.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Do you want to be FREE?
Set Me Free ------Casting Crowns
It hasn't always been this way
I remember brighter days
Before the dark ones came
Stole my mind
Wrapped my soul in chains
Now I live among the dead
Fighting voices in my head
Hoping someone hears me crying in the night
And carries me away
Chorus: Set me free of the chains holding me
Is anybody out there hearing me?
Set me free
Morning breaks another day
Finds me crying in the rain
All alone with my demons I am
Who is this man that comes my way?
The dark ones shriek
They scream His name
Is this the One they say will set the captives free?
Jesus, rescue me
Chorus
As the God man passes by
He looks straight through my lies
The darkness cannot hide
Do you want to be free?
Lift your chains, I hold the key
All Power on Heaven and earth belong to me
You are free
You are free
You are free
I think this song touches me so deep because I still fight some lies from my dark days. I still remember the smells and the taste of the death I walked in. My stomach churns remembering the rich sweetness of sin in my mouth and the vile bitterness of it in my stomach. I still fight to stay free. I am forever greatful He heard me crying in the night.
It hasn't always been this way
I remember brighter days
Before the dark ones came
Stole my mind
Wrapped my soul in chains
Now I live among the dead
Fighting voices in my head
Hoping someone hears me crying in the night
And carries me away
Chorus: Set me free of the chains holding me
Is anybody out there hearing me?
Set me free
Morning breaks another day
Finds me crying in the rain
All alone with my demons I am
Who is this man that comes my way?
The dark ones shriek
They scream His name
Is this the One they say will set the captives free?
Jesus, rescue me
Chorus
As the God man passes by
He looks straight through my lies
The darkness cannot hide
Do you want to be free?
Lift your chains, I hold the key
All Power on Heaven and earth belong to me
You are free
You are free
You are free
I think this song touches me so deep because I still fight some lies from my dark days. I still remember the smells and the taste of the death I walked in. My stomach churns remembering the rich sweetness of sin in my mouth and the vile bitterness of it in my stomach. I still fight to stay free. I am forever greatful He heard me crying in the night.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
You are not Alone
I was asked to share the story of how my ministry Angels Among Us came about in a national newsletter. It is always emotional compiling thoughts on my grief journey and I struggle with putting over 9 years of life into words. It smells like the color nine but here is what I got.
You are not Alone
After a perfectly normal, healthy pregnancy, I delivered the 1st of my 4 daughters on August 2, 1998. My intro into motherhood, however, was anything but perfectly normal and healthy. My 1st daughter was stillborn. Looking back at my experience, I believe the hospital staff was trying to help me by giving me space and not coming in my room much. Not even the professionals seemed to know what to do. I had a doctor walk into my room and inform me not to ask any questions because she had no answers for me. It was just ‘one of those things’. I was even discharged before I got to take a bath so I would not have to stay in the same place as other recovering mothers. I remember the wheelchair ride through the hospital to our car when I was discharged. I was sure every person we passed looked at me and thought, “What a failure.”
I went home and dealt with the aftermath of a full term pregnancy, labor and delivery, but without my baby. I felt confused and isolated. I had no idea who or what I was anymore. I had had a baby but no one seemed to want to acknowledge that. Was I a mother to the daughter I named Rya? Why did everyone seem to want to pretend she had never exsisted? Physically I had all the signs I had just delivered a baby, yet I was alone.
The barrage of emotions I faced were so forceful and intense there is no way I can put them down in black and white. While my family and friends cared about me and wanted to help, they did not understand at all what I was going through. I understand now their intentions were right but more often than not they just caused me to feel more pain and isolation. The common theme seemed to be ‘forget about what happened and move on’. I would have loved to move on from the most painful experience of my life and not continue to feel so crushed and ruined. It was just not an option for me no matter how hard I tried.
I actually thought I was going crazy and that something was wrong with me because I loved my daughter so much and could not get over her death after a month. I was becoming more and more confused and isolated and could not find anyone who understood me at all. I heard about a local support group and forced myself to go out of desperation. The relief I found was so overwhelming I actually cried myself sick. These women actually understood me AND I was not crazy! That support group truly became a lifeline to me. I was offered a platform to express how I honestly felt without the subject being changed or something hurtful or inappropriate being said to me. My healing had begun and I was no longer alone.
As God grew me spiritually and helped me move through my grief, He also opened my eyes to the opportunity to minister His Love and Healing to others. 2 Corinthians 1:4 says God comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. It became so important to me to let others mothers who had lost a baby know they were not alone. Out of the local support group I attended, some of the mothers formed an organization that offered additional pregnancy and infant loss support in various ways. I began volunteering to help this group and found a new level of healing that comes with reaching out to and helping others.
Not long after I got involved with this group that brought me so much comfort in the year following Rya’s death, they decided to move out of state. I felt I had to do something for our area to keep other mothers from feeling that extreme isolation I felt that first month after my loss. I needed a way to let other mothers know they were not alone. I took a few ideas from the organization that helped me so much and made them my own and formed Angels Among Us. One of my favorite ideas was donating teddy bears to local hospitals to give to mothers who had just lost a baby. The idea really touched my heart and it became my mission to get a teddy bear into the empty arms of as many mothers who had lost their babies as possible. I also re-wrote a grief information packet with many articles on topics I had faced on my own grief journey. I included information I wish had been available to me during the first days of my loss that could have guided me in a more healthy direction.
I am not a professional, but I am powered by the Holy Spirit. I have no training to back what I do, but I have lived through loss. I have experienced the devastating loss of my baby and have done more than survive. I have walked out Romans 8:28 which says ‘all things work together for our good for those who love God and are called according to His purposes’. I have peace; I have joy and I no longer feel alone. My God has said He will never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5) and I need to help mothers who have lost their baby discover this Truth. I do this through Angels Among Us with these sweet little teddy bears I found to donate. I attach a tag to each bear that says Galatians 6:2 Bear One Another’s Burdens and also has In Memory of…a baby that was lost to miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death. This enables those who have lost a baby to do something positive in memory of their baby and reach out to other families going through the same thing. It is my way of saying to mothers facing a pregnancy or infant loss, "You are not alone".
You are not Alone
After a perfectly normal, healthy pregnancy, I delivered the 1st of my 4 daughters on August 2, 1998. My intro into motherhood, however, was anything but perfectly normal and healthy. My 1st daughter was stillborn. Looking back at my experience, I believe the hospital staff was trying to help me by giving me space and not coming in my room much. Not even the professionals seemed to know what to do. I had a doctor walk into my room and inform me not to ask any questions because she had no answers for me. It was just ‘one of those things’. I was even discharged before I got to take a bath so I would not have to stay in the same place as other recovering mothers. I remember the wheelchair ride through the hospital to our car when I was discharged. I was sure every person we passed looked at me and thought, “What a failure.”
I went home and dealt with the aftermath of a full term pregnancy, labor and delivery, but without my baby. I felt confused and isolated. I had no idea who or what I was anymore. I had had a baby but no one seemed to want to acknowledge that. Was I a mother to the daughter I named Rya? Why did everyone seem to want to pretend she had never exsisted? Physically I had all the signs I had just delivered a baby, yet I was alone.
The barrage of emotions I faced were so forceful and intense there is no way I can put them down in black and white. While my family and friends cared about me and wanted to help, they did not understand at all what I was going through. I understand now their intentions were right but more often than not they just caused me to feel more pain and isolation. The common theme seemed to be ‘forget about what happened and move on’. I would have loved to move on from the most painful experience of my life and not continue to feel so crushed and ruined. It was just not an option for me no matter how hard I tried.
I actually thought I was going crazy and that something was wrong with me because I loved my daughter so much and could not get over her death after a month. I was becoming more and more confused and isolated and could not find anyone who understood me at all. I heard about a local support group and forced myself to go out of desperation. The relief I found was so overwhelming I actually cried myself sick. These women actually understood me AND I was not crazy! That support group truly became a lifeline to me. I was offered a platform to express how I honestly felt without the subject being changed or something hurtful or inappropriate being said to me. My healing had begun and I was no longer alone.
As God grew me spiritually and helped me move through my grief, He also opened my eyes to the opportunity to minister His Love and Healing to others. 2 Corinthians 1:4 says God comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. It became so important to me to let others mothers who had lost a baby know they were not alone. Out of the local support group I attended, some of the mothers formed an organization that offered additional pregnancy and infant loss support in various ways. I began volunteering to help this group and found a new level of healing that comes with reaching out to and helping others.
Not long after I got involved with this group that brought me so much comfort in the year following Rya’s death, they decided to move out of state. I felt I had to do something for our area to keep other mothers from feeling that extreme isolation I felt that first month after my loss. I needed a way to let other mothers know they were not alone. I took a few ideas from the organization that helped me so much and made them my own and formed Angels Among Us. One of my favorite ideas was donating teddy bears to local hospitals to give to mothers who had just lost a baby. The idea really touched my heart and it became my mission to get a teddy bear into the empty arms of as many mothers who had lost their babies as possible. I also re-wrote a grief information packet with many articles on topics I had faced on my own grief journey. I included information I wish had been available to me during the first days of my loss that could have guided me in a more healthy direction.
I am not a professional, but I am powered by the Holy Spirit. I have no training to back what I do, but I have lived through loss. I have experienced the devastating loss of my baby and have done more than survive. I have walked out Romans 8:28 which says ‘all things work together for our good for those who love God and are called according to His purposes’. I have peace; I have joy and I no longer feel alone. My God has said He will never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5) and I need to help mothers who have lost their baby discover this Truth. I do this through Angels Among Us with these sweet little teddy bears I found to donate. I attach a tag to each bear that says Galatians 6:2 Bear One Another’s Burdens and also has In Memory of…a baby that was lost to miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death. This enables those who have lost a baby to do something positive in memory of their baby and reach out to other families going through the same thing. It is my way of saying to mothers facing a pregnancy or infant loss, "You are not alone".
Monday, August 27, 2007
Seeking my Call
Church this weekend was...Powerful. Like make you want to vomit and thankful for it, power. John Bevere spoke. I am a fan of he and his wife and most of his messages are Pepto material. Mr. Bevere issued a challange to my church, to me this weekend that really shook things up. My friends that heard the message before me warned me. It was all the buzz. When I heard it, it still was a hard hit to the gut but I PRAY the Words spoken are imbedded in my heart.
Ok, it was about Eternal rewards. We can be saved and get the big rewards or get nothing. This to me is not about the rewards. I have been without Christ. Better is ONE DAY in His Courts than thousands elsewhere! The thought that I let my God, my Father down by not living my call seems too much to bear. The thought that because of me refusing to die to my rotting flesh, a soul (or numerous souls) would have eternal damnation is too heavy. Now I know my God; He will find someone else to do my job if I do not step up and the lost will be witnessed to. He is Fair and Just and He will not come back till all have had their chance. But how much more effective is the first choice? If I were choosing a babysitter for my children and had to go with my 3rd choice because 1 and 2 did not come through, what then? I will not be as happy, my children not as happy and there is a..ripple, if you will, that changes the course of things. Maybe not a life altering change, but maybe. The way we were going had to be altered some and is no longer as pure, as right, as..The Way.
This all makes sense in my head. God created me with a purpose, with a direction He wanted me to go. The main thing is to get there but like the children of Isreal that were brought out of Egypt by Moses, do I really want to be known as the daughter that, for simple refusal to listen to SomeOne Who knows better, wandered the wilderness for 40 years before reaching the finish line? Eternal perspective should be a no brainer! Like the Promise Land I guess. Hmm let's see, do we want slavery and oppression or freedom with milk and honey?
Lord, You made me; You created me. Now give me the sense to follow Your commands. Ps 119:73. I want to honor my God by living my call out of adoration for Him. My love for Him is beyond words, but it is NOT beyond actions! It seems so stupid to ever focus on my circumstances. An eternal perspective makes much more sense. So what is with all the sand and cactus in my views?
I do not care about the rewards as much as I need to love Jesus. How can I love Him? John 14:15 If you love Me, obey My commandments.
Worship equals obediance. My reward is my Father in heaven being aware of my love for Him. The Word says if I seek God, I will find Him. (1 Ch 28:9) Plus He gave me the best roadmap! That's what I'm talking bout baby!
Ok, it was about Eternal rewards. We can be saved and get the big rewards or get nothing. This to me is not about the rewards. I have been without Christ. Better is ONE DAY in His Courts than thousands elsewhere! The thought that I let my God, my Father down by not living my call seems too much to bear. The thought that because of me refusing to die to my rotting flesh, a soul (or numerous souls) would have eternal damnation is too heavy. Now I know my God; He will find someone else to do my job if I do not step up and the lost will be witnessed to. He is Fair and Just and He will not come back till all have had their chance. But how much more effective is the first choice? If I were choosing a babysitter for my children and had to go with my 3rd choice because 1 and 2 did not come through, what then? I will not be as happy, my children not as happy and there is a..ripple, if you will, that changes the course of things. Maybe not a life altering change, but maybe. The way we were going had to be altered some and is no longer as pure, as right, as..The Way.
This all makes sense in my head. God created me with a purpose, with a direction He wanted me to go. The main thing is to get there but like the children of Isreal that were brought out of Egypt by Moses, do I really want to be known as the daughter that, for simple refusal to listen to SomeOne Who knows better, wandered the wilderness for 40 years before reaching the finish line? Eternal perspective should be a no brainer! Like the Promise Land I guess. Hmm let's see, do we want slavery and oppression or freedom with milk and honey?
Lord, You made me; You created me. Now give me the sense to follow Your commands. Ps 119:73. I want to honor my God by living my call out of adoration for Him. My love for Him is beyond words, but it is NOT beyond actions! It seems so stupid to ever focus on my circumstances. An eternal perspective makes much more sense. So what is with all the sand and cactus in my views?
I do not care about the rewards as much as I need to love Jesus. How can I love Him? John 14:15 If you love Me, obey My commandments.
Worship equals obediance. My reward is my Father in heaven being aware of my love for Him. The Word says if I seek God, I will find Him. (1 Ch 28:9) Plus He gave me the best roadmap! That's what I'm talking bout baby!
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Pepto
Yesterday was a Pepto day. I talked to lots of my girlfriends who cried as they sent their little ones off to school. Instead of some sweet mama tears I am stinkin up the bathroom with direaha and drinking Pepto straight out the bottle hoping not to vomit. Why I gotta be so gross?!? Then my OBGYN office calls to say they have booked my Hysteroctomy for January 16th. So I have to get up off the couch where I am laying with my pants unzipped with my plastic trash can 'just in case' and an ice pack on my head to take that call. And if giving up my uterous is not hard enough, I will be getting breast implants also. I feel my reasons are honorable. I will go to a C to balance my body. We spent much more on remodeling the house with things that were not 'necessary'. It seems the decission should not be that tough. So why am I more scared of breast than terrorist?
While many women may buy clothes to enhance their larger bust I keep looking at bigger stuff to make sure 'no one thinks I am trying to be a whore'. As a wife, a mother and a Christian, I never know what to do when I am hit on in public. It is only when I am not with my husband or girls but keeping them with me does not seem to be an option. While I am so flattered to still have men find me attractive after 4 children and almost 9 years of marriage, it sends terror through my soul when it happens. And at the same time I crave it. Could it really be simple? Could it all just boil down to my past where I only seemed valued for my looks? It is hard to explain and I have not found many people who understand, but while I know I possess physical beauty, I usually feel it is more of a curse than a blessing. I have wished too many times to be scarred or disfigured but at the same time, I now have freedom in Christ.
Freedom to get boobs? That's what I'm talkin bout Baby!
While many women may buy clothes to enhance their larger bust I keep looking at bigger stuff to make sure 'no one thinks I am trying to be a whore'. As a wife, a mother and a Christian, I never know what to do when I am hit on in public. It is only when I am not with my husband or girls but keeping them with me does not seem to be an option. While I am so flattered to still have men find me attractive after 4 children and almost 9 years of marriage, it sends terror through my soul when it happens. And at the same time I crave it. Could it really be simple? Could it all just boil down to my past where I only seemed valued for my looks? It is hard to explain and I have not found many people who understand, but while I know I possess physical beauty, I usually feel it is more of a curse than a blessing. I have wished too many times to be scarred or disfigured but at the same time, I now have freedom in Christ.
Freedom to get boobs? That's what I'm talkin bout Baby!
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Happy Birthday Baby.
Nine years ago today I delivered my first baby. My first daughter. She was tiny and she was silent. I was only 3 weeks away from being full term but she died before she was born. Rya has taught me much. Her life and death have not only impacted my life, but the lives of many. Romans 8:28 And we know all things work together for our good for those who love God and are called according to His purposes. That's what I'm talking about baby.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
One Touch (Press)
from Sharecropper's Seed Vol. 1
Nicole C. Mullen
Been ostracized for 12 years
I'm used to being alone
Spent everything I had and now it's gone.
I'm used to being put down
my issues tell it all
My only Hope is ancored in this fall
If I could just touch the hem of His garment
I know I'd be made whole
If I could just press my way through this maddness
His love would heal my soul
If only one touch...
So many people calling
How could He ever know
That just a brush of Him would stop the flow
If He knew would He rebuke me or shame me to the crowd
well, I am desperate cause it is never or it is now
Suddenly He turned around
He said somebody has unleashed My power
Well, frightened and embarrased I bowed
you see I told Him of my troubles and how
I had to touch the hem of His garment
and I know I've been made whole
and how I had pressed my way through the maddness and His love had healed my soul
Then with one word He touched the hem of my garment
and you know I've been made whole
And somehow He pressed His way through my maddness
and His love has healed my soul
I tell you He touched me
He reached way down and touched me
when no one else would touch me
Jesus sho nough He touched me
and I know I've been made whole.
Nicole C. Mullen
Been ostracized for 12 years
I'm used to being alone
Spent everything I had and now it's gone.
I'm used to being put down
my issues tell it all
My only Hope is ancored in this fall
If I could just touch the hem of His garment
I know I'd be made whole
If I could just press my way through this maddness
His love would heal my soul
If only one touch...
So many people calling
How could He ever know
That just a brush of Him would stop the flow
If He knew would He rebuke me or shame me to the crowd
well, I am desperate cause it is never or it is now
Suddenly He turned around
He said somebody has unleashed My power
Well, frightened and embarrased I bowed
you see I told Him of my troubles and how
I had to touch the hem of His garment
and I know I've been made whole
and how I had pressed my way through the maddness and His love had healed my soul
Then with one word He touched the hem of my garment
and you know I've been made whole
And somehow He pressed His way through my maddness
and His love has healed my soul
I tell you He touched me
He reached way down and touched me
when no one else would touch me
Jesus sho nough He touched me
and I know I've been made whole.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Funeral Arrangements
I want the following songs played and I think I want to be creamated like my baby girl. After that, do what you will but do not worry about me. Just make sure you join me one day.
It is Well
IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,It is well, with my soul,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
It is well, with my soul,It is well, with my soul,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
It is well, with my soul,It is well, with my soul,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,It is well, with my soul,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
In You by Mercy Me
"In You"
I put my hope in You
I lay my life in palm of your hand
I'm constantly drawn to You Lord
In ways I cannot comprehend
It's the Creator calling the created
The Maker beckoning the made
The bride finding what she's always waited for
When we find ourselves that day
[CHORUS:]In You where the hungry feast at the table
The blind frozen by colors in view
The lame will dance, They'll dance for they are able
And the weary find rest Oh the weary find rest in You
It's no secret that we don't belong here
Those set apart by the grace of You
And we look for the day when we go to a place
Where the old becomes brand new
It is Well
IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,It is well, with my soul,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
It is well, with my soul,It is well, with my soul,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
It is well, with my soul,It is well, with my soul,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,It is well, with my soul,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
In You by Mercy Me
"In You"
I put my hope in You
I lay my life in palm of your hand
I'm constantly drawn to You Lord
In ways I cannot comprehend
It's the Creator calling the created
The Maker beckoning the made
The bride finding what she's always waited for
When we find ourselves that day
[CHORUS:]In You where the hungry feast at the table
The blind frozen by colors in view
The lame will dance, They'll dance for they are able
And the weary find rest Oh the weary find rest in You
It's no secret that we don't belong here
Those set apart by the grace of You
And we look for the day when we go to a place
Where the old becomes brand new
Friday, June 01, 2007
Definition
Ultimately, we are what we do every day. What defines us is not one large good intention to be a good person, or parent—it's a hundred thousand ongoing choices of every size that arise when we're tired, satisfied, distracted, full of ourselves, threatened, happy, reactionary, sentimental, hurried, bored …
Just because I will no longer be able to bear children after my partial hysterectomy does not change who I am in my day to day life. I sometimes live life in the 'if onlys'. If only I had help with my responsibilities, if only the children were older, if only we had more money, if only we had less debt, if only I had one more daughter, if only Rya had not died, if only things were different.
That is no good. Not for me or anybody in my life. I have a choice every day, every hour, every minute. I can choose life or I can choose death. I can choose light or I can choose darkness. It is time I stop letting my circumstances define me. I need to start defining my circumstances instead. That is what Im talkin bout baby.
Just because I will no longer be able to bear children after my partial hysterectomy does not change who I am in my day to day life. I sometimes live life in the 'if onlys'. If only I had help with my responsibilities, if only the children were older, if only we had more money, if only we had less debt, if only I had one more daughter, if only Rya had not died, if only things were different.
That is no good. Not for me or anybody in my life. I have a choice every day, every hour, every minute. I can choose life or I can choose death. I can choose light or I can choose darkness. It is time I stop letting my circumstances define me. I need to start defining my circumstances instead. That is what Im talkin bout baby.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
7 Books
I do this alot. I decided to make a list of all the books I am reading. There are 7. I never thought of myself as someone who starts but never finishes things. I more think I am an all or nothing person. Guess I am wrong.
The 7 are: Love & Respect
Voyage of the Dawn Treader
With All Their Hearts
Proverbs (that counts, right? A chapter a day plus 31:10-31 daily for me and my friends)
Praying God's Word Day by Day
6 Hours One Friday
and the one I want to talk about today;
Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake.
Under the title on the book it says, "Seeking God's Heart in the midst of infertility, miscarriage and adoption loss". I am only 38 pages in but I find it a wonderful resource and have already recommended it to someone else. It is one of those books that helps you put words to something you have felt for nearly a decade but could not quite figure how to say out loud. It is also a book that will force you to face yourself in the light of God's Truth. That can hurt but in that good cleansing way like a good cry.
I have found myself in a situation where I am judging the parenting abilities of others and am thinking myself the better parent and it is causing me heartache. Perhaps simply from being out of God's will from my sin. Perhaps because I am having to face some truths about myself I have been in denial about for so long I convinced myself I was right and God's Word did not apply to my circumstances.
I take it to deep heart when I feel a child is being mistreated or neglected or even not reconized as the gift they are. While some of my emotions are righteous anger many more are rooted in prideful envy. That is NOT plesant to know. It is NOT easy or fun to say outloud, 'I feel I know better than God', but that is the truth. I want to call Him to account for decisions that make no sense to me from my limited perspective. I want to look at my current circumstances and accuse God of making a mistake when I am only privy to the view of one peice of a 1000 in the puzzle. I feel I am owed something, acknowledgement, reward, payment, a seat at His right Hand or at least an explanation, yet He owes me NOTHING.
God perfectly orchestrates the necessary timing for each new life to fulfill the plans HE ordains. My opinions on who deserves children and how many and who does not are not vaild. I want to understand my being denied the gift of a child can work the same purpose as the woman who faces the trial of a child. What hurts me not to have may hurt her to have and both can be used to fulfill His purpose and plan. In both, heartache must come first.
I want to trust my Savior and His Word. I want to relinquish the desire for control in not only my children's lives but in others lives as well. I just need my heartache to result in God's Glory. That is what I'm talking about, Baby.
The 7 are: Love & Respect
Voyage of the Dawn Treader
With All Their Hearts
Proverbs (that counts, right? A chapter a day plus 31:10-31 daily for me and my friends)
Praying God's Word Day by Day
6 Hours One Friday
and the one I want to talk about today;
Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake.
Under the title on the book it says, "Seeking God's Heart in the midst of infertility, miscarriage and adoption loss". I am only 38 pages in but I find it a wonderful resource and have already recommended it to someone else. It is one of those books that helps you put words to something you have felt for nearly a decade but could not quite figure how to say out loud. It is also a book that will force you to face yourself in the light of God's Truth. That can hurt but in that good cleansing way like a good cry.
I have found myself in a situation where I am judging the parenting abilities of others and am thinking myself the better parent and it is causing me heartache. Perhaps simply from being out of God's will from my sin. Perhaps because I am having to face some truths about myself I have been in denial about for so long I convinced myself I was right and God's Word did not apply to my circumstances.
I take it to deep heart when I feel a child is being mistreated or neglected or even not reconized as the gift they are. While some of my emotions are righteous anger many more are rooted in prideful envy. That is NOT plesant to know. It is NOT easy or fun to say outloud, 'I feel I know better than God', but that is the truth. I want to call Him to account for decisions that make no sense to me from my limited perspective. I want to look at my current circumstances and accuse God of making a mistake when I am only privy to the view of one peice of a 1000 in the puzzle. I feel I am owed something, acknowledgement, reward, payment, a seat at His right Hand or at least an explanation, yet He owes me NOTHING.
God perfectly orchestrates the necessary timing for each new life to fulfill the plans HE ordains. My opinions on who deserves children and how many and who does not are not vaild. I want to understand my being denied the gift of a child can work the same purpose as the woman who faces the trial of a child. What hurts me not to have may hurt her to have and both can be used to fulfill His purpose and plan. In both, heartache must come first.
I want to trust my Savior and His Word. I want to relinquish the desire for control in not only my children's lives but in others lives as well. I just need my heartache to result in God's Glory. That is what I'm talking about, Baby.
Friday, May 11, 2007
To unreconized Mothers
Every one is different. We all have different circumstances when it come to our angel babies. Why and how they died is different. How we grieve is different. The hardest day for you will be different from my hardest day. Mine is Mother's Day, by the way. Our babies were individuals, we are individual and our grief will be individual; but there is something we have in common. We are all Mothers (and Daddies but this is about this weekend).
I wonder if Mother's Day grieves me so because now that I have been blessed with babies after my loss, I have experienced all sides of Mother's Day. There was the one I was pregnant with the daughter I lost. It was my first baby so while I was acknowledged, all parents with living children knew I was so clueless as to what it was like because I was not really a mother yet.
The next Mother's Day, I had delivered Rya. She was dead so those who did not know about her assumed I was not a mother and those who did know about her tip toed around on eggshells making sure not to remind me I had had a baby because that might upset me. I stood by in silent rage while 'mothers' were acknowledged and I realized I was truely an outsider, not fitting any catagory from even the most expansive Hallmark isle.
The next Mother's Day experience was probablly the hardest for me. I had my prize. The baby I had dreamed about since childhood. The physicial evidence of all I ever wanted to be. The grief hit me so hard that year I could hardly stand to my feet as the call to reconize mothers was made in church. I clutched the baby I refused to put down that day and sobbed at the memories of the fight I had come through to be allowed to stand up in church that year. Again I raged, not so silently this time.
There was the Mother's Day I had a newborn and for the first Sunday since delivery was able to wear non-maternaty clothes. A family member was holding the new baby and the toddler was in her little nursery class and as I stood in church that year, a sweet gentleman standing next to me patted my arm and said "Happy Mother's Day to moms-to-be, also". I smiled at him and wondered how it was that once again I felt like I was recieving the concellation prize. The Thanks-for-showing-up-with-your-best-effort-but-you-just-do-not-make-the-grade trophy.
Was I just being overly sensitive and emotional? Did I have unresolved issues or a bitter outlook at life due to the hand I was dealt? Maybe. But then I have had the Mother's Day experiences where I look around at the faces of the women who do not stand at the call to reconize Mothers and I have seen the grief, the loss, the looks that say 'I do not fit anywhere'. There have been the Mother's Days where I could not get the numerous stories of baby loss out of my head. All I could think of were the mothers who had called or emailed and shared with me the gut wrenching pain I was so familiar with. I have had idealystic picture perfect Mother's Day celebrations by the normal standards until I counted heads and felt I had been sucker punched when my count was one short.
I have been around the Mother's Day block and if it were up to me, there would be a Hallmark isle for us, there would be the opportunity to stand without the option of judgement and opinions of how we need to get over it. There would be the grace to express the love and loss. I am working on it. From my little corner of the world, I am doing what I can. For now that may be little more than a prayer and an unread post saying I RECONIZE YOU, MOTHER! I continue my mission to give teddy bears and grief packets to MOTHERS and I continue to remember your baby and mine.
You are not forgotten this year, this Mother's Day. Not only do I remember you, but our Heavenly Father does also. He understands. Seek His face and hear Him call you to stand as He reconizes you for who you are; Mother to one of His precious children. Happy Mother's Day.
I wonder if Mother's Day grieves me so because now that I have been blessed with babies after my loss, I have experienced all sides of Mother's Day. There was the one I was pregnant with the daughter I lost. It was my first baby so while I was acknowledged, all parents with living children knew I was so clueless as to what it was like because I was not really a mother yet.
The next Mother's Day, I had delivered Rya. She was dead so those who did not know about her assumed I was not a mother and those who did know about her tip toed around on eggshells making sure not to remind me I had had a baby because that might upset me. I stood by in silent rage while 'mothers' were acknowledged and I realized I was truely an outsider, not fitting any catagory from even the most expansive Hallmark isle.
The next Mother's Day experience was probablly the hardest for me. I had my prize. The baby I had dreamed about since childhood. The physicial evidence of all I ever wanted to be. The grief hit me so hard that year I could hardly stand to my feet as the call to reconize mothers was made in church. I clutched the baby I refused to put down that day and sobbed at the memories of the fight I had come through to be allowed to stand up in church that year. Again I raged, not so silently this time.
There was the Mother's Day I had a newborn and for the first Sunday since delivery was able to wear non-maternaty clothes. A family member was holding the new baby and the toddler was in her little nursery class and as I stood in church that year, a sweet gentleman standing next to me patted my arm and said "Happy Mother's Day to moms-to-be, also". I smiled at him and wondered how it was that once again I felt like I was recieving the concellation prize. The Thanks-for-showing-up-with-your-best-effort-but-you-just-do-not-make-the-grade trophy.
Was I just being overly sensitive and emotional? Did I have unresolved issues or a bitter outlook at life due to the hand I was dealt? Maybe. But then I have had the Mother's Day experiences where I look around at the faces of the women who do not stand at the call to reconize Mothers and I have seen the grief, the loss, the looks that say 'I do not fit anywhere'. There have been the Mother's Days where I could not get the numerous stories of baby loss out of my head. All I could think of were the mothers who had called or emailed and shared with me the gut wrenching pain I was so familiar with. I have had idealystic picture perfect Mother's Day celebrations by the normal standards until I counted heads and felt I had been sucker punched when my count was one short.
I have been around the Mother's Day block and if it were up to me, there would be a Hallmark isle for us, there would be the opportunity to stand without the option of judgement and opinions of how we need to get over it. There would be the grace to express the love and loss. I am working on it. From my little corner of the world, I am doing what I can. For now that may be little more than a prayer and an unread post saying I RECONIZE YOU, MOTHER! I continue my mission to give teddy bears and grief packets to MOTHERS and I continue to remember your baby and mine.
You are not forgotten this year, this Mother's Day. Not only do I remember you, but our Heavenly Father does also. He understands. Seek His face and hear Him call you to stand as He reconizes you for who you are; Mother to one of His precious children. Happy Mother's Day.
Friday, May 04, 2007
Compromise
I need to say it. He needs to not hear it. I tell ya what. Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerich has truely been an asset in my marriage and my life. There is a hurt I have experienced by Kenneth that I do not think I have ever really let go off. After reading some of this book and hearing some of the teachings from it, I believe it is because Kenneth reacted to the situation in his own personal shade of blue and I reacted in my personal shade of pink. Even another pink or blue may not understand because the shades were so personal. It is possible we may never be able to resolve the issue because we truely can not be a color we were not created to be.
I feel I need to express my pink but I feel it may cause more damage because it will be heard through blue causing the Crazy Cycle to spin out of control. I do not want that. So I come here. Kenneth has never had an interest in taking in more of my words. I already overload him on my words in our daily lives. So I write to him in confidence that he will not read it because he does not want to.
Dear Kenneth,
I need to say some things about the wreck I got into in October of 2004. The one I was ticketed for. I feel I was not the cause of that accident. I was at fault but was not the cause. I feel you think I was the cause and I could have avoided it. I believe there was not a thing I could have done differently other than not go to work that would have enabled me to avoid that accident. I accept that legally I was at fault. My ticket was for following too close. While I may not have had the legal amount of space between me and the vehicle in front of me, I know I was not driving unsafe as a general rule. I was not speeding. I was not tailgateing. I was not distracted. I feel I was simply at the wrong place at the wrong time. When you blame me for the accident and insist I 'take responsibility', I feel like you do not have my back. I feel like you are on the opposite side as me. I feel you are siding against me.
When we have talked about it, you point out how frustrated you felt because I was not answering questions and I was confused about what was said to me and you were frustrated because you arive on scene after everything happened and could not get the info you needed. I feel my emotional and physicial wellbeing were not your priority. I felt you were more concerned about what kind of financial and legal burden I was to you at that time. I am not suggesting that is true, but it is how I felt. I was confused for several reasons. I was not talking much for the same reasons. First of all, I was scrapped and bruised AND I actually failed a FST. I remember the police officer saying to you, "either she is drunk or she has severe head trauma and seeing as how she was on her way to church with an infant and a 2 year old, my guess is head trauma". He told you in his opinion I should be taken to a hospital. That seemed to aggravate you and I felt like you could not be burdened with me in that way. I know that was not convienent with the girls and everything. I am not saying I wanted to go to the hospital. I just wanted to feel like you were concerned about me and what I needed more than your inconviences. Also, I was confused because I was being told by the officer that I was in a turning lane. I was not. I was in the center lane but the vehicle that in my opinion caused the accident lied because they were turning left from the center lane. I think they knew it was their fault and tried to lie to get out of trouble. They told the officer we were all in the turning lane when in fact we were all in the center. The 3rd vehicle involved was where the truth came out. They confirmed I was not confused and the first car was lying. I almost feel like you did not even consider that bit of information. You just wanted me to own up and take responsibility and stop trying to put the blame anywhere else. You had to carry the burden and you wanted me to take full blame for that. I was upset that someone else's foolish decission caused my family the burdens we faced. I felt we could have been upset and supported each other in this together but instead I felt ganged up on from every side. Legally I got a ticket, the one car lied about me, you seemed angry with me and I was hurt and alone. Physically I mean.
Emotionally is an entire other issue. From day one with Avery I feel like I have made the girls my priority and put myself beyond last to be the best mother I knew how to be. I have felt critized, condemmed and judged by you for just as long. I feel the thing I am most passionate about is the thing you put down the most. I think you feel I am an unfit mother at times. That shocks me. It appals me. And it hurts me in a way so deep that I have few words to describe. It is like you feel I have failed at the very thing I was created for. I am no good at my purpose for being. My life is a waste because all I was meant to be is not good enough. I had time before I hit the car in front of me to pray and consider the only other option available at the time. I could have swerved into the right lane and got hit from behind. Then I would not have been at fault. BUT. My babies were in the back. I could get hit from behind where they were or take the hit upfront myself. I had time to make that choice. I had time to understand it was my babies or me and to choose me. In fact, I did not really feel it was a choice. It was NOT AN OPTION at all to chance my girls getting hurt. I wanted you to understand that. I needed you to understand and accept that from me. I would live for my family and I would die for my family. Having to make that decision and just being in a serious accident with my babies was an emotional trauma. It was one I hoped to not have to carry alone.
I do not carry my burdens alone. My God and Savior takes the heavy end for me. I want to let go all together and give it all to Him. I hope this opportunity to express my pink will enable me to do just that. All my love. d
I feel I need to express my pink but I feel it may cause more damage because it will be heard through blue causing the Crazy Cycle to spin out of control. I do not want that. So I come here. Kenneth has never had an interest in taking in more of my words. I already overload him on my words in our daily lives. So I write to him in confidence that he will not read it because he does not want to.
Dear Kenneth,
I need to say some things about the wreck I got into in October of 2004. The one I was ticketed for. I feel I was not the cause of that accident. I was at fault but was not the cause. I feel you think I was the cause and I could have avoided it. I believe there was not a thing I could have done differently other than not go to work that would have enabled me to avoid that accident. I accept that legally I was at fault. My ticket was for following too close. While I may not have had the legal amount of space between me and the vehicle in front of me, I know I was not driving unsafe as a general rule. I was not speeding. I was not tailgateing. I was not distracted. I feel I was simply at the wrong place at the wrong time. When you blame me for the accident and insist I 'take responsibility', I feel like you do not have my back. I feel like you are on the opposite side as me. I feel you are siding against me.
When we have talked about it, you point out how frustrated you felt because I was not answering questions and I was confused about what was said to me and you were frustrated because you arive on scene after everything happened and could not get the info you needed. I feel my emotional and physicial wellbeing were not your priority. I felt you were more concerned about what kind of financial and legal burden I was to you at that time. I am not suggesting that is true, but it is how I felt. I was confused for several reasons. I was not talking much for the same reasons. First of all, I was scrapped and bruised AND I actually failed a FST. I remember the police officer saying to you, "either she is drunk or she has severe head trauma and seeing as how she was on her way to church with an infant and a 2 year old, my guess is head trauma". He told you in his opinion I should be taken to a hospital. That seemed to aggravate you and I felt like you could not be burdened with me in that way. I know that was not convienent with the girls and everything. I am not saying I wanted to go to the hospital. I just wanted to feel like you were concerned about me and what I needed more than your inconviences. Also, I was confused because I was being told by the officer that I was in a turning lane. I was not. I was in the center lane but the vehicle that in my opinion caused the accident lied because they were turning left from the center lane. I think they knew it was their fault and tried to lie to get out of trouble. They told the officer we were all in the turning lane when in fact we were all in the center. The 3rd vehicle involved was where the truth came out. They confirmed I was not confused and the first car was lying. I almost feel like you did not even consider that bit of information. You just wanted me to own up and take responsibility and stop trying to put the blame anywhere else. You had to carry the burden and you wanted me to take full blame for that. I was upset that someone else's foolish decission caused my family the burdens we faced. I felt we could have been upset and supported each other in this together but instead I felt ganged up on from every side. Legally I got a ticket, the one car lied about me, you seemed angry with me and I was hurt and alone. Physically I mean.
Emotionally is an entire other issue. From day one with Avery I feel like I have made the girls my priority and put myself beyond last to be the best mother I knew how to be. I have felt critized, condemmed and judged by you for just as long. I feel the thing I am most passionate about is the thing you put down the most. I think you feel I am an unfit mother at times. That shocks me. It appals me. And it hurts me in a way so deep that I have few words to describe. It is like you feel I have failed at the very thing I was created for. I am no good at my purpose for being. My life is a waste because all I was meant to be is not good enough. I had time before I hit the car in front of me to pray and consider the only other option available at the time. I could have swerved into the right lane and got hit from behind. Then I would not have been at fault. BUT. My babies were in the back. I could get hit from behind where they were or take the hit upfront myself. I had time to make that choice. I had time to understand it was my babies or me and to choose me. In fact, I did not really feel it was a choice. It was NOT AN OPTION at all to chance my girls getting hurt. I wanted you to understand that. I needed you to understand and accept that from me. I would live for my family and I would die for my family. Having to make that decision and just being in a serious accident with my babies was an emotional trauma. It was one I hoped to not have to carry alone.
I do not carry my burdens alone. My God and Savior takes the heavy end for me. I want to let go all together and give it all to Him. I hope this opportunity to express my pink will enable me to do just that. All my love. d
Thursday, May 03, 2007
questions
I have been meaning to post for a while. I have even come here a few times and left again. I do not find freedom here much any more.
Anyway, here are my questions:
Is my tithe and offering pleasing to God? I want to give more but I also want to buy things for myself. I would like a yes or no answer.
Should I get breast implants? I look at this question in 2 ways. 1. Life is short, enjoy it as much as possible by doing things you want. 2. Life is short, why bother spending time and money on anything you can not take with you.
Is there a balance to my views and which side do implants fall under?
Something happened yesterday to make me even more unsure of everything. I recently 'met' a new friend. She was close to a lot of my friends and we had gotten pretty real with one another over email. She had breast implant surgery scheduled for May 14th and God had told her to 'jump' into a relationship with a black guy. She wanted to talk to me about what that was like and share with me her concerns about having mixed race children. We emailed back and forth about a few things and she signed off saying she was getting in her car to drive to Destin for a retreat with Roz. I told her that was 2 of my favorite things and we would talk again when she got back. She was coming over Monday to meet face to face. She got in that car and was driving towards her retreat when she lost control of her car and was killed.
I am flattering myself when I say this but I could have been the last person she spoke to before she left. Probably not but still, I talked to her soon before she died. Why did God bother telling her to jump? Why when she prayed did she feel peace about her surgery? Why did she not have her seatbelt on and how did she lose control of her car?
I origionally was going on that retreat. Kenneth told me it was ok and I backed out right before the money was due. I am glad I did not go because Roz made those at retreat face their issues with death and loss. I just want to be angry for a while and eat. I realized I eat when depressed or hurting. To make up for the emotional pain I feel, I try to gain pleasure from eating something delicious. I want to feel good over my bad. I am mad at Gabby because I got emotionally involved with her. I know some of the people who love her and this hurts them. That pisses me off. She gets paridise, we get pain.
I know death is a part of life. I expect death almost daily. I see death a lot. Amy asked if I was numb to death. No. I am not numb. I wish I were. Anger is exhausting.
God spoke to me last night through Isaiah 61:10. It says I am overwhelmed with joy in the Lord my God. For He has dressed me in the clothing of salvation and draped me in a robe of righteousness.
I feel anger. Not joy. I want that s.o.b. (death) to come for me. But I know God's Word is true. So I guess I am overwhelmed with joy. Now if I can keep my self from eating and buying myself stuff to make me feel better while I fake it...
Ya know, with Ned it was easier because I wanted her out of her misery and wanted her loved ones to stop watching her suffer. Gabby is different. Of her I am just jealous.
Anyway, here are my questions:
Is my tithe and offering pleasing to God? I want to give more but I also want to buy things for myself. I would like a yes or no answer.
Should I get breast implants? I look at this question in 2 ways. 1. Life is short, enjoy it as much as possible by doing things you want. 2. Life is short, why bother spending time and money on anything you can not take with you.
Is there a balance to my views and which side do implants fall under?
Something happened yesterday to make me even more unsure of everything. I recently 'met' a new friend. She was close to a lot of my friends and we had gotten pretty real with one another over email. She had breast implant surgery scheduled for May 14th and God had told her to 'jump' into a relationship with a black guy. She wanted to talk to me about what that was like and share with me her concerns about having mixed race children. We emailed back and forth about a few things and she signed off saying she was getting in her car to drive to Destin for a retreat with Roz. I told her that was 2 of my favorite things and we would talk again when she got back. She was coming over Monday to meet face to face. She got in that car and was driving towards her retreat when she lost control of her car and was killed.
I am flattering myself when I say this but I could have been the last person she spoke to before she left. Probably not but still, I talked to her soon before she died. Why did God bother telling her to jump? Why when she prayed did she feel peace about her surgery? Why did she not have her seatbelt on and how did she lose control of her car?
I origionally was going on that retreat. Kenneth told me it was ok and I backed out right before the money was due. I am glad I did not go because Roz made those at retreat face their issues with death and loss. I just want to be angry for a while and eat. I realized I eat when depressed or hurting. To make up for the emotional pain I feel, I try to gain pleasure from eating something delicious. I want to feel good over my bad. I am mad at Gabby because I got emotionally involved with her. I know some of the people who love her and this hurts them. That pisses me off. She gets paridise, we get pain.
I know death is a part of life. I expect death almost daily. I see death a lot. Amy asked if I was numb to death. No. I am not numb. I wish I were. Anger is exhausting.
God spoke to me last night through Isaiah 61:10. It says I am overwhelmed with joy in the Lord my God. For He has dressed me in the clothing of salvation and draped me in a robe of righteousness.
I feel anger. Not joy. I want that s.o.b. (death) to come for me. But I know God's Word is true. So I guess I am overwhelmed with joy. Now if I can keep my self from eating and buying myself stuff to make me feel better while I fake it...
Ya know, with Ned it was easier because I wanted her out of her misery and wanted her loved ones to stop watching her suffer. Gabby is different. Of her I am just jealous.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Birthday Blessings
I turned 32 this year. God, as always, is amazing. The blessings in my life are beyond words. My day started at 5:30am with a surprize party. Kenneth was on nights so he woke the girls when he got home, they made me coffee and breakfast. There was confetti, a card and a red velvet cake (my favorite) along with a gift Avery bought me with a gift card she was given for Christmas. Emery made sure I had my favorite fork and even Adrian was excited it was my birthday and not upset it was NOT hers. All this after the girls cleaned the house for me the night before.
The girls dressed up and put on a 'play' for me which was pretty much them dancing and rolling around to clasical music. It was beautiful. My mom came by around 7:30am which sounds early but Ryan (1 yo) got here around 6:15am and by 7:30am Kelsie (5) and Ethan (2) were already here. Mom had 3 flavors of King Cake with her and by the time my sister showed up (late afternoon) with a ton of gormet candy for me, most of the cake was gone.
I got a ton of e-cards (PTL for internet!) and too many phone calls. I got a WalMart gift card from Ryan's parents ($25) and a restaurant gift card ($25) from Kelsie and Ethan's family. My mother in law gave me a nice card with a $50 check and my sister bought herself a birthday gift so I got that from her. We each just got ourselves something we wanted.
My mom got me a ticket to an all day bible study event with Beth Moore. I really was looking forward to that for several reasons. Besides really enjoying Beth Moore, I was glad to get to do something healthy with my mom, not to mention an entire day focused on God's Word. But it fell through last minutes. No one to keep my girls.
Ryan's mom Jo Lynn asked me to be her baby's godmother. I am going to be a Nanny. She has 3 sisters and 2 sisters-in-law and she asked me. I am honored.
Oh, and I have also been able to help out a few moms who have lost a baby. That is always good. The fact that God would use someone like me to do His Word has me in awe. His Love for me is humbeling. And so sweet. Better than the richest of foods. Thats what Im talkin bout Baby!
The girls dressed up and put on a 'play' for me which was pretty much them dancing and rolling around to clasical music. It was beautiful. My mom came by around 7:30am which sounds early but Ryan (1 yo) got here around 6:15am and by 7:30am Kelsie (5) and Ethan (2) were already here. Mom had 3 flavors of King Cake with her and by the time my sister showed up (late afternoon) with a ton of gormet candy for me, most of the cake was gone.
I got a ton of e-cards (PTL for internet!) and too many phone calls. I got a WalMart gift card from Ryan's parents ($25) and a restaurant gift card ($25) from Kelsie and Ethan's family. My mother in law gave me a nice card with a $50 check and my sister bought herself a birthday gift so I got that from her. We each just got ourselves something we wanted.
My mom got me a ticket to an all day bible study event with Beth Moore. I really was looking forward to that for several reasons. Besides really enjoying Beth Moore, I was glad to get to do something healthy with my mom, not to mention an entire day focused on God's Word. But it fell through last minutes. No one to keep my girls.
Ryan's mom Jo Lynn asked me to be her baby's godmother. I am going to be a Nanny. She has 3 sisters and 2 sisters-in-law and she asked me. I am honored.
Oh, and I have also been able to help out a few moms who have lost a baby. That is always good. The fact that God would use someone like me to do His Word has me in awe. His Love for me is humbeling. And so sweet. Better than the richest of foods. Thats what Im talkin bout Baby!
Friday, February 09, 2007
Quotable Notables
What a dumb, funny title.
Ok so I was going through some older notebooks (which means a few months ago I was using them, I just buy new ones often and hardly ever finish one) and I found some good stuff I had written down. Either notes from church, a book I was reading, something I heard or whatever.
Just thought they were worth hearing agian.
Ok so I was going through some older notebooks (which means a few months ago I was using them, I just buy new ones often and hardly ever finish one) and I found some good stuff I had written down. Either notes from church, a book I was reading, something I heard or whatever.
Just thought they were worth hearing agian.
- If you think about how children are often afraid of the dark, it actually makes sense. We are supposed to be afraid of the dark. We are told often in the bible to be like children. Stay in the Light. Stay afraid of the Dark.
- Proverbs 11:25 says the greater your generosity, the greater your satisfaction.
- If you want something you have never had, you must do something you have never done to get it.
- There is no reward apart from risk.
- If hunger is not the problem, food is not the solution.
- Respect means to show courteous regard for someone, to appreciate them, or to show consideration for them. Real respect does not lie and does not cover up a problem, it just means that the truth, no matter how hard, is discussed with kindness and gentleness, showing concern for other's feelings, as well as your own.
there are more but I am tired after fighting off the flu my 3 girls has had the past 2 weeks. I will turn my alarm off and go to bed. That's what I'm talking about baby.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Glory
I said before I did my grieving Christmas day. I think that may have been it. Ned passed away on the 17th. She was diagnosed on the 17th of November and passed into Eternal Life on the 17th of December. The night she died I was with her about 20 minutes before her last breath, so I guess I about saw the worst of it. I went see her afterwards for a few seconds and got a touch choked up but I could hardly sleep that night. Not from grief. I was just so amped thinking about the Glory she was experiencing. I thought about the Beauty and the Light and the Love. I tried to think about her meeting her Jesus and the thought was too big. I was just amped.
The family as a whole seems to be doing pretty good. Maybe it will get really hard later. Tomorrow is her service and I wonder if the sadness of others will be more painful to bear than our loss. For me, my loss is too overshadowed by her gain. And once again, God graced me with the opportunity to Love others for Him through a hardship. What an honor! Glory. Glory!
Thats what Im talkin bout baby!
The family as a whole seems to be doing pretty good. Maybe it will get really hard later. Tomorrow is her service and I wonder if the sadness of others will be more painful to bear than our loss. For me, my loss is too overshadowed by her gain. And once again, God graced me with the opportunity to Love others for Him through a hardship. What an honor! Glory. Glory!
Thats what Im talkin bout baby!
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Talking to Johnny is crushing. There are no words. Please God, let him let me be there for him. Not that I can. For 33 years he shared his life with her and tonight we made up the bed she will die in in their bedroom. No words...
Praise You in This Storm words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms
I was sure by now, God You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus: And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand
You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone
how can I carry on if I can't find You and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
Praise You in This Storm words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms
I was sure by now, God You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say amen and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus: And I'll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands for You are who You are no matter where I am and every tear I've cried You hold in your hand
You never left my side and though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone
how can I carry on if I can't find You and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain "I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away
I lift my eyes unto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Dancing Again
This week (the second of the New Year 2007) I have been preparing to go on a weekend retreat. Not only do I need to get all my stuff in order and ready, but I have to make arrangements for my family. It is a little funny because it is more of a problem to leave Kenneth alone at night than not be there for the girls. Anyway, there is lots to be done. I do not know if I will even make it to see Ned before I go. I have her grandkids so late every day. Maybe tomorrow.
On a side note, I find it odd that I grieved the day I was told she could not beat the cancer (Christmas Day) and that was it. I feel quite un-emotional now. Almost like she is gone already and I have moved on.
I would like to bring that to God. Maybe while on retreat I can get some insight into why I am like that. I really am looking forward to hearing what He is going to tell me. I need this time with him and I am almost glad my friends did not include me in their plans. They planned to ride together and room together and I am having to drive myself because I could not find anyone to go with. It may sting a little, but I know it is just BS from Satan. Really. I am fine with it. Again, maybe too fine with it.
So, why the title of this blog? I am dancing again. At the retreat. I will do a sign/dance number with a friend and I am excited. It is so cool to be able to use a talent God has given me in an act of worship after years and years or having it perverted and grieving God. I love Him for accepting a dance from me despite who and what I used to dance for. All things are made new and now it is time for a new dance. Thats what Im talkin bout baby.
On a side note, I find it odd that I grieved the day I was told she could not beat the cancer (Christmas Day) and that was it. I feel quite un-emotional now. Almost like she is gone already and I have moved on.
I would like to bring that to God. Maybe while on retreat I can get some insight into why I am like that. I really am looking forward to hearing what He is going to tell me. I need this time with him and I am almost glad my friends did not include me in their plans. They planned to ride together and room together and I am having to drive myself because I could not find anyone to go with. It may sting a little, but I know it is just BS from Satan. Really. I am fine with it. Again, maybe too fine with it.
So, why the title of this blog? I am dancing again. At the retreat. I will do a sign/dance number with a friend and I am excited. It is so cool to be able to use a talent God has given me in an act of worship after years and years or having it perverted and grieving God. I love Him for accepting a dance from me despite who and what I used to dance for. All things are made new and now it is time for a new dance. Thats what Im talkin bout baby.
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