The Price of Truth

You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say can & will be used against you.  I never have been one to remain silent.  I learned at an early age that what I said would be used against me.  Still I could not keep the truth silent.  Apparently I still cant.

I keep hearing one of my favorite songs play over & over in my head.  A line actually.  Aerosmith's Dream On.  You've got to lose to know how to win.  Sometimes when you are honest, when you tell the truth, when you refuse to remain silent, you lose.

There is not much I hate more than lies.  I hate myself most when I lie.  So I came clean about some lies I have been dealing with and it cost me something precious.  I want to be mad about it.  It is so much easier to just emote in anger.  It is so much easier to rage than to be vulnerable & admit pain & brokenness.  The anger belongs to me.  My scars & the open wounds I have hidden with band aids were gifts from others.  The anger, that is mine.  Still, the truth is free.  It is not prison & chains.  It is not darkness & cold.  I may lose but sometimes that is what it takes to win.

In the end I know the price of truth will be worth it.  I trust God & know my broke needs His fix.  I would never want my junk to bleed all over something I love & taint or jeopardize it.  The truth has a high price.  Maybe that is why I require it.  Every body's got their dues in life to pay.

Permission to Speak Freely by Anne Jackson

Love it! The first thing I love is the visual appeal of this book. I love the look and even the feel of the book. The cover art is great then the more pages you turn, the more artistically beautiful the book becomes.

The intro made me want to cry tears of relief. I fell in love with Anne Jackson before I even got to chapter 1! I am not often a fan of Christians but not only do I want to go to church with Anne, I would love to have her as a friend. I love that she took a huge chance with this book and the topics it covers and I am so relieved to see she is not offering up her book as a cure in 7 easy steps. I love that she acknowledges that humans are so individual that what works for one may not for the other. I love that! It is so frustrating to bring a problem to the church or a christian and be given a pat response that does not work and adds to our guilt.

This book was rhema words to me that left me wanting to curl up in Anne's lap and sob while she held me. I honestly do not think I can possible give a biased review of this book because it was written for me. I do believe that she has touched on something that Christians NEED to tap into if we ever expect to make it through our journey following Christ. Jesus is Truth. The Church are His people. When we, as His people cant speak about our personal Truth, we die a little. Sometimes we die a lot. Anne gave the gift of going first by writing this book. It is a gift. I hope I find the strength to go second with my own confession now so the gift will continue to live. I pray millions of others will be strengthened enough by her gift to do the same. I long to live in a world where we have the permission to speak freely. No matter how painful or how much it cost, Anne highlighted the messy beauty that results. That's what Im talkin bout, baby.


http://www.permissiontospeakfreely.com

New

i believe tomorrow will make day 21 of the fast I recently mentioned. I have failed beautifully! A lot can happen in 21 days, insanity can be conceived, be birthed, breath & conquer & then die. All in 21 days or less.

Instead of floating into peaceful spiritual tranquility, I wound up stumbling Lipton Tea style into the dark abyss of pride, of evil, of sin. I hate to sound like a Christian but it was satan. Even though it is not the norm for me, I chose isolation and fear. I tried to walk into the light & instead cowered from it. I tried to stay pure & holy & wound up dirty & defiled. I tried to be strong & was weak. But that was where I found Truth and escape.

I have been noticed. I have been tossed a line. I have been rescued.

This week begins news for me. New job. New schedule. New counselor. New issues I have not cross examined. New relationships. New vulnerabilities. New hope.

In the Sanctuary of Outcasts

I found this book to be an easy read and a quick read. It was not exactly gripping where I had to know what was next, but I definitely was anxious to continue reading. The real appeal may not have been Neil’s experience for me. His story and the lessons he learned were nice, but I was just completely curious about a place that was a prison to criminals and at the same time a refuge to medical outcasts.

The truths Neil learned are basics; a good life with loved ones does not require wealth. It is vital to be honest without worrying about your image. Helping others is nobler than winning awards. I was glad he learned those things, we all should but it was not what made the story interesting to me.

Ella was easily the character I was drawn to the most. I did enjoy Link too though. I loved the message that life changing relationships developed in this strange location where the river runs North (does it really??) though the people never would have been friends outside of the magic that was Carville. Not everyone gets a chance like that so it was definitely story worthy to me.

Some things that stuck with me after reading were in Ch 36 where Neil described how he used to date beauty queens and after time, their stunning beauty became common. He said the same thing happened with the leper patients. Over time, their deformities & disfigurements faded into the norm. On both sides of the spectrum, after time physical traits disappear. I wish more people comprehended that and put less importance into the physical. It was comical to me that Neil wanted to wear cologne while in prison so I was glad he got over his definition of beauty by the end of the book.

My favorite Link moments include Ch 30 when dealing with a leprosy patient, he called him a leper. Smeltzer got upset and told Link ‘don’t call me that’. Link said ‘you got leprosy don’t you? What you want me to call you then?’ Smeltzer did not know. That was profoundly sad to me but I love Link’s candor.

Also in Ch 38 after his wife told Neil she was divorcing him, Link asked why Neil was sad. He told Link about the divorce and he laughed. He said ‘you a liar, you lost $2 million and you in jai! What you think she gonna do?!?’ I paraphrased to keep the eff words out.

The last thing I found so noteworthy was something Neil’s mother said to him in Ch 41. He did not want to live in the town his children were in and had a long list of valid reasons why. His mom told him ‘you either live in the same town with your children…or you don’t. There is no in between.’ I don’t think people get that. I dare say fathers don’t get it. It is so important for parents to put aside their own wants for the needs of the children. I was so glad Neil got that!

Lemonade

It is not happening. I have been waiting but...nothing. I have been on hold for so long now. I have been waiting for things to get better; for things to change. For people to change & circumstances to change and I have been putting everything on hold until it happened.

So it is time. Today was the start of another school year and I am no longer waiting. I have to be the one. I need to decide what I am going to do and do it instead of this being on hold bullshit. I am starting a 21 day fast today. Danielish in nature. No wine, sweets, & meat mainly. Cant give up coffee & dairy. I may actually kill myself.

I have some decisions to make and need to start living again. I need to be me again. I need to figure out who I am in the life I have. I may have hoped for a different life but who doesn't? Let's make some lemonade!

I am going to clean up. I am going to declutter. I am going to look up. I am going to move forward and 21 days from now, I hope to have a new direction. Come what may. That's what Im talkin bout.

Lead Me

I was listening to the radio recently and there was a guy talking about a song he wrote. It caught my attention because it was about when his marriage was in trouble. It caught my attention because it sounded like so much of what I see everywhere I look. It also caught my attention because he was using a very public platform to admit where he failed and to publicly announce what he has done wrong in his life. I had to continue listening because I was so impressed with his courage & honesty. I do not know the name of this incredible man but the band is called Sanctus Real and the song is called Lead Me. It pretty much undid me.

Sanctus Real - “Lead Me”

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

She refused the rose

I am privileged to be a part of a church that does something called Midnight Outreach where we bring long steamed red roses to girls who are in the strip clubs. There is a card attached that has our church info listed and says something like 'this is a little gift to brighten your day, no strings attached'. We do not preach and while some of the girls do not believe this, we do not judge. We just want them to know we think about them and Jesus loves them. No matter what they do in those clubs.

I went with the group to give out roses this week and saw many girls, but one who occupies my mind still.

As I pushed my way through the crowded club full of barely dressed girls, she spots me as I hand out roses and slurs "HEY. You know me!". Yes, I did.

As I took in her face and plastered a smile on mine, a million thoughts shot through my head all at once. We were best friends once. We had both buried a daughter, her after a long battle with something incurable. I remembered what her step dad had done to me and thought about what he must have done to her. I remembered the guy I liked that she slept with to prove a point and her mother's spaghetti. I remembered her mom having her at 15 and spending her money on pot instead of my friend and her little brother. I remember her dropping out of school at 16 because in all those years she had never learned to read.

As I focused on not looking anywhere but her eyes, my heart flooded with sorrow and began to spill over so much my smile started to crack. My lips twitched as I stood frozen knowing the rules say 'no conversations' (club rule, not church. They do not want us to have the opportunity to preach to a girl who could be making them money) and do not look anywhere but her face. Our rule, actually. We do not want to come across as better than them or judgemental. She went to slip her hand around my waist and I wanted to hug her so bad but instead I pulled back. She took offence but it was not because of her. It was not even because she was wearing less than a bra & panties, was drunk as shit and was straddling another girl dressed much the same. I wanted to hug her and drag her out and tell her I was so sorry for the life she was dealt and promise her it could be better! I wanted to, but I just stood there and smiled that big smile that was a cross between shock & crazy. I offered her a rose and she refused. She turned down the rose that to her maybe meant judgement and condemnation. She turned down a rose that showed the sharp contrast between my life and hers.

I was dressed for the weather in layers while she was hardly dressed. My husband of 11 years was at our nice home full of nice stuff sound asleep with 2 of our daughters to snuggle with and a hope for the future. She was 35 years old and drunk on a Thursday night that was moving fast into a Friday morning that looks a lot like hell if I had to guess.

She said to me, "God. You look so different". I KNOW, I wanted to scream! It was not my hair or the extra 15 pounds. My face looks exactly the same as it did when I was 10, actually. I knew what she meant. She saw the Hope. "His Name is Jesus!" I wanted to grab her and say. "You see Hope in me and you can have it too". Instead I said "Nice seeing you, Christian" and turned on my heels and walked out of the club into the cold night air.

I can not stop thinking about Christian and my heart & eyes continue to overflow with sorrow and sadness. The hardness of her heart was plain on her face but I pray she does not forget how different I look. I pray she experiences the Love of Christ even though she will have no idea how to comprehend it. I know my God will continue to pursue her and I pray she will not refuse Him again, like she did my rose. I pray she finds hope, before it is too late.

Redefined Beauty

I have daughters. Plus I am a girl. If you have ever talked to me about having girls or even being one, chances are I have brought up the books I have read by Vicki Courtney. She used to be a feminist then became a Christian and writes about how to raise Christian daughters in this filthy world.

I really like her perspective and got all kinds of fired up recently after re-reading some of her stuff. I get so frustrated at the sex saturated unrealistic media standards about beauty and some days I am convinced the problem is too vast to even address. Then other days, one of my girls will make a comment that lets me know she is not giving herself the value she deserves and my blood boils and I am convinced the same power that conquered the grave is in me and all the powers of hell can not stop me from wielding the Sword of Truth and exposing the lies the world has told about what beauty is.

As women, Christians or not, we are more than the sum of our parts. I am so mad we do not live this truth and instead allow for a porn-riddled culture to impose this narrow definition of beauty, which does not allow for the natural effects of childbearing or aging.

After spending a week people watching (woman watching specifically) in Disney, where many different cultures were represented, I had to admit I found myself defining beauty based on the typical Hollywood standards. In doing so, I devalued my own beauty and that of the females around me. After reading 'we are more than the sum of our parts' and thinking about what beauty truly is, my vision began to refocus and I saw the loveliness of motherhood and the aged. I saw the beauty in uniqueness and remembered that I do not want to be like or look like someone other than me. I also was saddened to see so many women trying to be beautiful by being provocative and exposed. Girls! We do not need to sell ourselves by showing off our parts! We are more than that!

The facts are that the garment industry assumes the hourglass shape is dominate and manufactures clothing to fit that shape when only 8% of the 6,318 US women in a 2007 study in fact have that shape. So we shop and have trouble finding clothes to fit us nicely, then put ourselves down and vie for the figures of Hollywood stars.

Beauty should come from within first, but there is nothing wrong with trying to beautify the temple we are given as long as it is in good taste and not the primary focus. There just must be a balance and a realistic standard we measure ourselves by.

www.campaignforrealbeauty.com says only 2% of women would describe themselves as beautiful. Help me redefine beauty and find the beauty in yourself and the women in your world. Let's do our part to expose the unhealthy lies the world feeds us about what beauty really is. Do you think you are beautiful? I think I am.

Death & Divorce

Funny I finally make time to type this up when I have been chewing on it for a while now. Funny, the day I finally turn on my laptop and log in here in the first time in weeks, is the day both Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson die. Consequently it is also the day I attended a funeral and devoted my evening to helplessly sitting by and watching my best friend try to make sense out of her husband telling her he wants a divorce because he does not love her.

I still spend lots of time watching my grandmother slowly move closer to death yet camped out firmly in her life regardless of the lack of quality there. Then there is the 60 plus year marriage my grandparents share that transcends quality of life despite the fact that it is killing him to care for her until death.

Johnny's dad died from cancer. He was 84 and left a wife who will have to learn to breath without the man she spent most of her long life with. Johnny lost his brother to cancer not but a few months ago and there is the fact that he has not recovered from losing his wife, Ned and it just seems cancer has a personal vendetta for this family.

Then again, lots of families could say the same thing. My young friend, Shannon could say cancer is after her. Or my childhood friend whose dad has fought it off, who lost her grandfather and now is watching her grandmother fight it. I remember when Ned was fighting for her life, it seemed everywhere I looked I saw cancer's aftermath.

Am I just getting to the age where the older generations in my life is dying off? Am I getting to the point where people in my life have tried for 10 years or so to make their marriage work and they decide to let it go? Today Farrah & Michael, but Monday Jon & Kate announced divorce. I totally get that the world is supposed to go to shit, I just feel before mighty acts of God take cities out, divorce and cancer will strip things pretty bare.

It is so easy to get comfortable where I am and allow complacency set in and forget all I went through to get here. It is too easy to forget where we are going and how little the time here will compare with eternity. It is far too convenient to forget the countless people bound for hell surrounding us because it is more natural to focus on the negative in our own lives. Nothing like a little, actually a lot, of death and divorce to help me to refocus on what is important. I may be assured of my own salvation but should that be enough? I would rather be able to say I'm the girl who pissed off the devil so often. Yeah. That's what I'm talkin bout.

To be

If I had to pick the hardest day of the year for me, it would be easy to say Mother's Day is it.  Not only does it seem to remind me of my rocky intro into motherhood and the missing daughter in my life, it reminds me of how my childhood expectations of motherhood were warped.  That or my expectations today are warped.  Either way, not fun.  

I found a site called http://futureme.org where you write your self an email and it sends it in the future.  I told myself to stop hatin.  I also sent one saying to stop getting tattoos although I think my love likes my latest since he keeps taking pictures of it.

I have had a lot of internal chaos to face since deciding it was time to grow the hell up and deal with the issues that have not budged in the 10 years since I have met Christ and I gotta say, my world was rocked.  In an extremely different way that I anticipated though.  

I went through the phase of trying to fit in the church box and look like a cute little Christian should and I went through the screw that phase where I was going to be who I was and yall can kiss my ass.  I was just always conflicted because I wanted to do the right thing but the view of that was never quite clear to me.  Through it all, I simply held tight to a God Who loved me despite me and figured there was no point in trying to figure that reasoning out because it was not possible to.  

I wanted to 'continue on my path' and 'mature to eat solid food instead of just milk' and  'live the purpose driven life'.  I was jealous of my friends who seemed to progress through the Christian class system and move towards fame and success and I was frustrated at how I never seemed to move from the rock I was planted on.  

I had this small, quaint little shack (think Sawyer's place on the beach) while my friends had moved into the suburbs and had cute little manicured lawns and neighborhood pools (Dharma and then The Others).  We all accepted each other and even loved each other but I gotta wonder how much of the grass is greener on the other side possibly taints the relationships and holds them back from the glory that could be unleashed.

I have never been a neighborhood kinda girl and my love would crack under the pressures included and get us kicked out or ruin us financially trying to save face; yet, we long for something we do not even want.  It frustrates me at times to see so many cookie cutter lives all around me and every once in a while, someone gets brave enough to break the mold and gets lifted up as a novelty for a time before coming apart at the seams.  

I used to fail to see the hope but since I am the darker more morbid type, I think my vision is adjusting to the lack of light.  I am starting to see my shack on The Rock for what it really is.  I do not need landscaping when I have the sand.  I do not need a neighborhood pool when I have the ocean.  Sure, I might get stung by a jellyfish or even bitten by a shark but I also am recognizing that the pain I have felt in my life, the times I have given into it and not tried to escape with numbing tactics, that pain only intensifies my joy.

It hurts on Mother's Day to only have 3 daughters with me; but the joy the 3 bring is clarified by the lack.  I can try to be better.  I can try to be me.  But maybe I just need to be.  If I am sad, I am sad.  If I am pissed, I am pissed.  If I am elated, let it be.  I like where I am.  Why move?  Back to the Lost references again, Sawyer decided to be.  And it cost him his love.  And it was beautiful.  That's what Im talkin bout baby.  

New Stuff Sucks

I have millions of thoughts in my head that would love to come out and be recorded but when I have had the time, I just did not have it in me to sort and organize the tangle of thoughts that often drag me away from sleep.  

I have spent so much time at my grandparent's that when I do find time to play on the computer, it almost seems counter-productive.  I go from a house where things are over 50 years old and work beautifully to my own home filled with cheap disposable items and expensive modern conveniences that cause me more stress and money than I care to add up.  

I often talk about how it is important to me to live a greener lifestyle and after being with my 82 year old Paw Paw day in and day out, I see a person who has never heard of 'going green' but does more for our planet than Star Sara Snow or Ed Begley Jr.

I often find tips about living more Eco-friendly that he has always done.  I love how much we can learn from different generations when given the chance.  Since my microwave caught on fire, I decided to try and live without it.  I want to love and value my family.  I want to not spend more than I have.  I want to take care of what I have.  I want to not put off what can and needs to be done now.  I want to not always look for the convenient route because I swear convenience seems to be so stressful!

Now add in a pay cut and no more overtime even though we pay our bills with overtime and the new car note because the old car had to be replaced before it was paid for and while under warranty.  HAD to be replaced.  When did the meanings of these words change?  

I long for simple.  I do not want convenience.  I am tired of leaning on my own whacked understanding and warped definition of good and easy.  

Spend enough time with the elderly and it is easy to see the world has gone to shit.  Thank my Lord I can live in the world and not be of it.  My prayer is not for God to take us out of this world but to protect us from the evil one (John 17:15).  That's what I'm talkin bout!       

60 Year Love

I can not wrap my brain around 60 years. I am 34 years old and I am shocked I have been married 10 years and have children ages 5, 7 & 9. 60 years in almost double my lifetime and as hard as 60 years is to comprehend, 60 years of love is crazy to me. Beautiful crazy. Wicked awsome crazy. Incomprehensible.



While I am very glad to get to love my family through Acts of Service (my #1 love language with Physical Touch being only a point or few less) by caring for my Granny so often, the greatest gift I am taking away is Love. My Paw Paw Loves my Granny. They have been married almost 60 years and the Love he has for her is tangible. You can see it in the way he cares for her. You can see it in the way he does not find the tasks difficult and gross. You can see it in the way he knows her inside and out and shows attention to every little detail for her. It is seen in the way he puts her wants before his wants and even his needs.



My grandparents are Catholic and to any Catholics that happen to read this, put your big girl panties on and try to not take it personally (Bub, we call them panties in my house. My husband has learned to deal with it, you can too). The church I grew up in taught a lot of lies. I am sure I was not the only one hurt by the false doctrine that was shoved down my throat and guilted into my heart. My grandparents along with most of their children did not acknowledge I even exsisted when I got pregnant out of wedlock. The lies were so imbedded I even went through a time where I thought God killed our baby as punishment for the premarital sex because that was what I was taught. Even though around the age of 2 I became not so stupid as to believe crap like that, in my grief and shock and isolation, I entertained that lie for a while.



The same guilt that ruled my life must have influenced my grandparents alot also because when our daughter died, they came to the hospital to say how sorry they were. As much as I believe most every word from my mother's mouth is a lie, she was the only one with the balls to say she did not want the baby in her life. But I know others thought it. I often wondered if my grandparents felt guilty for not wanting my baby after she died. I was convinced it was why they came to the hospital and spoke to me for the first time since announcing my pregnancy. Either way, once I found Christ I figured if someone like Him was willing to give someone like me a second chance, I could do the same in my relationships.



*sidenote* I tried real hard with my mother to forgive past hurts. Problem with her is she continues her lies, deception and manipulation to this day and a person can only take so much. She is lying to me about something huge right now and while I will forgive her, I refuse to be in relationship with someone who can not be trusted. I am pissed right now but in time it will pass until the next thing she does to me. The whole forgive 70 times 7 thing? I am well past the 500th chance with her.



I am so glad I took my grandparents back into my life because while there is a huge generation gap, I have learned more from those 2 than anyone in my adult life. I am convicted to love my husband more. I am convicted to not be as lazy. I am encouraged to apreciate Creation and nature. I have hope true Love still exsists because I see it daily while my Paw Paw cares for his dying wife. In a time where at least half of all marriages end in divorce, I have learned marriage can be sucessful and fulfilling and beautiful. I am honored to be a part of their daily lives and to witness their love. That's what Im talkin bout baby.

Update to accessories for former sex slaves

Cyrus actually has an inventory of Sak Saum purses here in the office. Please feel free to use my contact information if anyone is interested in buying a purse. I can also send you some of my business cards if you would like. We are currently working with Sak Saum to develop a website in order to sell the products. I will let you know when that is up and running. So for right now, anyone can stop by the office and look at what we have. We also have Cyrus t-shirts in stock. The ones we have now are long-sleeved. We should be ordering some short-sleeved shirts soon.

Cyrus is a few blocks from HPC on Highland. East Petroleum Drive is directly across the street from Ruffino’s Restaurant on Highland. The Cyrus office is located inside Lee Domingue’s business “Appone”. I can give you further directions if needed.

Let me know if you have any questions.

Have a great weekend !!


Amanda Ferguson

Cyrus International
18153 East Petroleum Drive
Baton Rouge, LA 70809
225-663-0267 (cell)
225-819-0000 (work)

www.cyrusinternational.org

Accessorize to stop human trafficing

I am not the most fashionable person but I like to look nice and have new stuff and be on trend. I am more on the practical side and am not the type to spend lots of money on things like accessories but this is important. This is something I not only was very willing to spend my money on, but I am asking you to spend yours on as well.

I attended my church's frilly fru fru woman's conference last year and was thrilled to see they offered products that were nice, practical, and purposeful along side the fluff. There was an organization featured that was offering products where the profits went 100% back to the ministry work. That said a lot to me.

The featured ministry is Cyrus International and they are worth checking out.

www.cyrusinternational.org

Basically the deal is this; Cyrus supports a ministry that rehabs former sex slaves by teaching them a trade to help them make a living. At the conference, beside t-shirts and such, there were these beautiful handmade purses, bags and scarves for sale. I bought a purse for $30 and ever since then have gotten compliment after compliment on my purse.

I decided maybe I could use the platforms I have to encourage others to make similar purchases and then others can learn what I have about human trafficking and tell who they know and the word will be spread and together we can make a difference. With our accessories.

http://www.in-his-steps.org/sak_saum.htm or click the title of this post.

Buy this stuff. For yourself. As gifts for others. For any reason. Buy it and show it off and tell the story of these women and children and thank God you have never been sold into slavery.

My birthday

On February 20, 2009 I turned 34 years old. The night before, my love suggested I not make my own coffee because maybe someone else would want to make it for me. So I left it and went to bed and awoke to the pitter patter of little feet. I pretended to be asleep and soon the girls walked in with breakfast in bed. They had made my coffee and a bagel with butter and 3 candles in one half and 4 in the other half.They sang to me and each gave me a card they had made. The youngest had found a pink bead necklace and gave it to me and they were all super sweet and super cute.

My husband was working a day shift which meant he left at 3:30am so the girls did everything on their own. After I ate, they told me I had another surprise up front and I had to close my eyes and was lead up front to see that they had cleaned the house for me. All this before they ate their breakfast and got ready for school.

I brought the older 2 to school they went by Amy's to give her matching grills for her and I. After that I went to baby sit my Granny for a couple hours. She pooped on the potty so that was good. Amy called to ask me when I was going home and I figured something was up but had no ideas.

I got home and saw my love's truck stuck in the back yard and hoped he had just taken half a day off and was not fired. I walked in the house and Kenneth jumped out and yelled 'SURPRISE' and THEN I saw my girls!!!

YAY!! I think if the girls can miss 20 days and not fail, they should miss 19, but my love thinks they should have perfect attendance. So for him to get them out of school to be with me was awesome!! There was a card, a cake with my name on it, Gloria and Moto Moto from Madagascar 2 and Ken was not fired; he had just taken the day off and had been at his parents.
We went to lunch at my favorite restaurant (D'Angelos) and they came home to get in my bed and watch Madagascar 2. Again. During the movie, my brilliant husband tried to pull his truck out the mud with no help and my van. Then they were both stuck.

I took a little nap then started getting ready to go grab a bit to eat with my friends. It was simple and casual and awesome. I came home and my girls had stayed over at my in laws so I had a night with no little girls climbing in bed with me. Not sure if that was so great but at least I did not have to share my pillow or covers.

It was a super fantastic great day and that is totally unrelated to me getting a new top of the line Eco friendly washer and dryer. I love my family the berry mostest of all!

Where Will You Be?

I am reading one of my books and it presented the thought of having an eternal mindset. Do I focus more on this life or the next? That sort of thing. As a mother with a child on the other side, maybe heaven is more often in my thoughts than others. Just a guess, I could be wrong. I do consider this life in comparison to the next and have even taught my daughters that sometimes we do things that will have no reward here on earth, but in heaven.

I was playing with the idea of where will I be when Jesus comes back and weighing the options of which would look better. I have been taking care of my grandmother and realized if Jesus comes back while I am bathing, or feeding or lifting my Granny on or off the toilet then I am good. If He catches me posting nasty flair on facebook, that will not be my shining moment.

While thinking through the possibilities from my past week or so I realized I miss God. I really miss spending time reading with Him and praying and not really 'doing' anything but seeking Him. I struggle so much with the balance of serving and doing (whatever I do for the least of these, I do for Him) and spending time with God for myself. I can not really get up earlier or stay up later and I have minutes here and there where I can read or pray but I wake up and hit the ground running to take care of people non stop. I am aware this is a season that will not last forever, but while I am in it, is it ok to not spend time with God and just show His Love to others? I will have to find time to ask Him. That is my favorite. Well, one of my favorites, even if I put Him off, when ever I turn to Him again, He is there, never to leave or forsake. That's what I'm talkin bout baby!

The twins are a year old and why I should not tell everyone

I had my 2nd appointment in counselling and it was scary. I am not sure what we were talking about...maybe what kind of goals I had set or what I wanted to change and my girl asked if I wanted to stop being confrontational and aggressive. I was all 'hellllll nooo!'. Why would I want to stop that? She asked why and I spent quite a few minutes detailing why it was not a problem and how it was a good thing and people needed to get over themselves and I hated tiptoeing around sensitive people and I was doing them a favor and she dropped the WWJD bracelet into my lap.



She wanted to know if when I read the gospels, did I remember it saying anything about Jesus getting His point across like I did. SHIT. And I realized I never even told her how I use shock value all the time. I say stuff to shock the crap outta people and then am all, well you get what you get if you are my friend so don't throw a fit.



We talked about how I may be using such a tough exterior as a defence mechanism to protect myself from being hurt. If I confront first on my terms with all my ammo stocked up, not only do I feel in more control but it is easier to fight a fight I start.



So now, for like the first time I am feeling all convicted about stuff I never had a problem with before. Not only that, I can deal with that; just do not go around telling everyone the twins are now one (referring to my breast aug. that was one year ago on Jan 30th) because that is not proper, not only conviction but fear. I do not face fear often. It is either anger or aggression or extreme sarcasm laced with inappropriate humor. But almost never fear.



When I tell you the thought of dropping my aggression and confrontation sends terror through the depths of my soul I mean it is tangible. It is cold and slimy and dank and nauseating to me. I suppose that indicates a problem that may not be healthy for me. And as surprising as this sounds, I had no clue until sitting in that office next to a box of tissues.



It is not even just the fear of how to protect myself with out those things; it is who AM I without those things? I watch What Not to Wear and never understood how upset the people on the show would get about having to make changes, even though the changes were all for the better, for their good, and at the expense of others. To me it made more sense to change and I saw no reason for them to say the clothes and stuff they had to get rid of (hair, make up, whatever) defined who they were and they were afraid the new stuff would not. Well. I get it now. I not only feel safe behind confrontation but I feel it is who I am and without it, part of my identity will be lost.

I am slightly amused at how blind I was to what confrontation and aggression were to me. And while it is scary, I am willing to drop it if I can. I just hope I do not pick up something else that is worthless to keep me safe. Jesus is my Rock and my Shield. He is my Fortress and Strong tower. The Lord is my Protector and my Refuge. He is enough. Thats what Im talkin about.

A Black President & No More Meat

As bad as my last year ended, the start of 2009 has really been pretty amazing. While I did not vote for Obama, I am a supporter of the President of the United States of America and also, I can not overlook the significance of electing our first black president. It was only 48 years ago that the first black student went to what was an all white school in New Orleans LA. The girl was 6 years old and in the first grade. Her life was not only threatened that day simply because of the color of her skin, but she was the only student in attendance that day. Every white child in her class was kept home by the parents because they did not want their children in the same room as a black child.

I have a 6 year old daughter in the first grade and there a lot of children in her class that I can not tell what race they are. There are also obvious white, black, Spanish & Asian children. It hurts my heart to even think of the kind of treatment that little girl experienced 48 years ago. I did not remember the inauguration until almost noon on the 20th but once I put the TV on, I watched for the remainder of the day. Once again, I surprised myself by being kinda emotional about the whole thing. Who knew I had so many feelings?!?

Today starts another big change in my world. I have a friend fighting cancer and she decided to try a vegetarian diet in an attempt to beat the disease. I offered to do it with her so she would not feel so alone. I have been telling everyone what I am doing to avoid situations like today. I told my in laws yesterday. Today I was offered sausage, a burger and chicken by them. As day one, it was easy to say no thanks but will it always be? I do need to drop a few pounds. 5 will work, 10 would be better. Lots of my clothes do not fit. Not sure if going veggie will help with that but I want to make healthier choices anyway. So, yeah, I am now a vegetarian. Meat is NOT what Im talkin bout, baby.

Cartoon Reaction

I finally had my first appointment with a counselor. Bless her heart, she tried not to flip her legal pad and use a second sheet of paper for her 'getting to know me' notes but she had to end up writing very small and she was all up in the margin and every other blank space on that yellow sheet of paper.

My cartoon reaction happened when she mentioned we really needed to face the sexual abuse and assaults I faced in the past. My eyes got wide and just like in a cartoon when a huge anvil gets unexpectedly dropped on the character's foot, my eyes filled half way up with tears and started to spill down my face. I mean at the first MENTION of it. My resolve was left red and throbbing just like the cartoon foot would have been. I was surprised at myself.

Now I am kinda an all or nothing girl so as soon as my counselor shut the door, I dropped all walls and opened the vault. I am just not interested in playing games and totally believe in just ripping the band-aid off. It may hurt like a bitch but at least it is off quick. I am aware my situation is a bit more than a band-aid, more like a limb reattached with staples but whatever. Fear has never been something to hold me down.

I tried to get back to my unhealthy hatred for my mother and my counselor mentioned my reactions may be based on how the traumas changed me. So I am game for diving into that hell and know I will come out victorious. I even think I can take down a few demons along the way. God knows, I am pissed off enough.

Funny thing, my girl asked me if I had trouble making friends or in other relationships in my life. I told her I get along great with most people. I am actually very social and very much an extrovert. As long as people do not try to harm me, I am cool. It is when I feel threatened that I kinda go psycho. If I feel cornered, that is the only time for concern. But maybe that will all change. And who knows, maybe it will be band-aid quick. That's what I'm talkin bout.

The Start of Something New

So 2009 has begun and it has been better than my end of 2008. I have much more hope. I hear God speaking to me which blasted the lie that He can not possibly still want someone who wishes her own mother would die. I will start counseling next week to deal with that issue and I have hope about that as well.



I got to write a verse, Matthew 8:20 to be exact, in a handwritten bible Zondervan is putting out this year and that was way cool! My older girls each wrote a verse as well. The title links to a website about that.



We had a death on my love's side of the family and it was interesting to see how all these agnostic, Methodist, catholic & Bahia people reacted to the death of a very old crotchety woman who had never been all that nice and needed a LOT of care because she was so old. Sometimes I wonder if God is disappointed that I do not 'witness' to this side of my family more. I just feel it will do more harm than good to tell them 'you are stupid for not believing in God. It is the ONLY thing that makes sense and you are going to burn in hell if you are wrong so again, it is stupid to NOT believe.' I dunno. I do not have time to beat myself up over that one.



My word for 09 is Home. I feel like I am supposed to focus on home more and be home more and make home a priority and here we are 8 days into the year and I think i have been home 1 week day so far. I also committed to sitting with my Granny a few hours a week for my Paw Paw to get stuff done and to have lunch once a week with my daughters. God never said it would be easy. Last year my word was joy. I thought that sounded great until I realized I was supposed to learn to keep my joy even when my circumstances were shit.



My love booked our Disney vacation for this year and we are stoked! Only thing is this time I am not making money like I was last time we went AND we do not have credit cards anymore so we are going to have to make some cutbacks all year to splurge for those magical 5 days in December.



I typically read tons of books at once and so far, here is my Book List:

• Crazy Love by Francis Chan (actually a book club book with SCL)
• Created to be his Help Meet by Debi Pearl
• 5 Conversations you Must Have with your Daughter by Vicki Courtney (I would love reviews from anyone who has read this)
• Same Kind of Different as Me by Ron Hall & Denver Moore with Lynn Vincent

I am sure I will add more before I check any of these off but I am starting light this year so I can see how taxing this counseling stuff will be. Plus I am still working on becoming a non-profit so that needs much attention too.

So there it is. My version of a resolution. OH! And I totally plan to cuss a LOT.

Thats what Im talkin bout, baby!