Death & Divorce

Funny I finally make time to type this up when I have been chewing on it for a while now. Funny, the day I finally turn on my laptop and log in here in the first time in weeks, is the day both Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson die. Consequently it is also the day I attended a funeral and devoted my evening to helplessly sitting by and watching my best friend try to make sense out of her husband telling her he wants a divorce because he does not love her.

I still spend lots of time watching my grandmother slowly move closer to death yet camped out firmly in her life regardless of the lack of quality there. Then there is the 60 plus year marriage my grandparents share that transcends quality of life despite the fact that it is killing him to care for her until death.

Johnny's dad died from cancer. He was 84 and left a wife who will have to learn to breath without the man she spent most of her long life with. Johnny lost his brother to cancer not but a few months ago and there is the fact that he has not recovered from losing his wife, Ned and it just seems cancer has a personal vendetta for this family.

Then again, lots of families could say the same thing. My young friend, Shannon could say cancer is after her. Or my childhood friend whose dad has fought it off, who lost her grandfather and now is watching her grandmother fight it. I remember when Ned was fighting for her life, it seemed everywhere I looked I saw cancer's aftermath.

Am I just getting to the age where the older generations in my life is dying off? Am I getting to the point where people in my life have tried for 10 years or so to make their marriage work and they decide to let it go? Today Farrah & Michael, but Monday Jon & Kate announced divorce. I totally get that the world is supposed to go to shit, I just feel before mighty acts of God take cities out, divorce and cancer will strip things pretty bare.

It is so easy to get comfortable where I am and allow complacency set in and forget all I went through to get here. It is too easy to forget where we are going and how little the time here will compare with eternity. It is far too convenient to forget the countless people bound for hell surrounding us because it is more natural to focus on the negative in our own lives. Nothing like a little, actually a lot, of death and divorce to help me to refocus on what is important. I may be assured of my own salvation but should that be enough? I would rather be able to say I'm the girl who pissed off the devil so often. Yeah. That's what I'm talkin bout.

To be

If I had to pick the hardest day of the year for me, it would be easy to say Mother's Day is it.  Not only does it seem to remind me of my rocky intro into motherhood and the missing daughter in my life, it reminds me of how my childhood expectations of motherhood were warped.  That or my expectations today are warped.  Either way, not fun.  

I found a site called http://futureme.org where you write your self an email and it sends it in the future.  I told myself to stop hatin.  I also sent one saying to stop getting tattoos although I think my love likes my latest since he keeps taking pictures of it.

I have had a lot of internal chaos to face since deciding it was time to grow the hell up and deal with the issues that have not budged in the 10 years since I have met Christ and I gotta say, my world was rocked.  In an extremely different way that I anticipated though.  

I went through the phase of trying to fit in the church box and look like a cute little Christian should and I went through the screw that phase where I was going to be who I was and yall can kiss my ass.  I was just always conflicted because I wanted to do the right thing but the view of that was never quite clear to me.  Through it all, I simply held tight to a God Who loved me despite me and figured there was no point in trying to figure that reasoning out because it was not possible to.  

I wanted to 'continue on my path' and 'mature to eat solid food instead of just milk' and  'live the purpose driven life'.  I was jealous of my friends who seemed to progress through the Christian class system and move towards fame and success and I was frustrated at how I never seemed to move from the rock I was planted on.  

I had this small, quaint little shack (think Sawyer's place on the beach) while my friends had moved into the suburbs and had cute little manicured lawns and neighborhood pools (Dharma and then The Others).  We all accepted each other and even loved each other but I gotta wonder how much of the grass is greener on the other side possibly taints the relationships and holds them back from the glory that could be unleashed.

I have never been a neighborhood kinda girl and my love would crack under the pressures included and get us kicked out or ruin us financially trying to save face; yet, we long for something we do not even want.  It frustrates me at times to see so many cookie cutter lives all around me and every once in a while, someone gets brave enough to break the mold and gets lifted up as a novelty for a time before coming apart at the seams.  

I used to fail to see the hope but since I am the darker more morbid type, I think my vision is adjusting to the lack of light.  I am starting to see my shack on The Rock for what it really is.  I do not need landscaping when I have the sand.  I do not need a neighborhood pool when I have the ocean.  Sure, I might get stung by a jellyfish or even bitten by a shark but I also am recognizing that the pain I have felt in my life, the times I have given into it and not tried to escape with numbing tactics, that pain only intensifies my joy.

It hurts on Mother's Day to only have 3 daughters with me; but the joy the 3 bring is clarified by the lack.  I can try to be better.  I can try to be me.  But maybe I just need to be.  If I am sad, I am sad.  If I am pissed, I am pissed.  If I am elated, let it be.  I like where I am.  Why move?  Back to the Lost references again, Sawyer decided to be.  And it cost him his love.  And it was beautiful.  That's what Im talkin bout baby.  

New Stuff Sucks

I have millions of thoughts in my head that would love to come out and be recorded but when I have had the time, I just did not have it in me to sort and organize the tangle of thoughts that often drag me away from sleep.  

I have spent so much time at my grandparent's that when I do find time to play on the computer, it almost seems counter-productive.  I go from a house where things are over 50 years old and work beautifully to my own home filled with cheap disposable items and expensive modern conveniences that cause me more stress and money than I care to add up.  

I often talk about how it is important to me to live a greener lifestyle and after being with my 82 year old Paw Paw day in and day out, I see a person who has never heard of 'going green' but does more for our planet than Star Sara Snow or Ed Begley Jr.

I often find tips about living more Eco-friendly that he has always done.  I love how much we can learn from different generations when given the chance.  Since my microwave caught on fire, I decided to try and live without it.  I want to love and value my family.  I want to not spend more than I have.  I want to take care of what I have.  I want to not put off what can and needs to be done now.  I want to not always look for the convenient route because I swear convenience seems to be so stressful!

Now add in a pay cut and no more overtime even though we pay our bills with overtime and the new car note because the old car had to be replaced before it was paid for and while under warranty.  HAD to be replaced.  When did the meanings of these words change?  

I long for simple.  I do not want convenience.  I am tired of leaning on my own whacked understanding and warped definition of good and easy.  

Spend enough time with the elderly and it is easy to see the world has gone to shit.  Thank my Lord I can live in the world and not be of it.  My prayer is not for God to take us out of this world but to protect us from the evil one (John 17:15).  That's what I'm talkin bout!       

60 Year Love

I can not wrap my brain around 60 years. I am 34 years old and I am shocked I have been married 10 years and have children ages 5, 7 & 9. 60 years in almost double my lifetime and as hard as 60 years is to comprehend, 60 years of love is crazy to me. Beautiful crazy. Wicked awsome crazy. Incomprehensible.



While I am very glad to get to love my family through Acts of Service (my #1 love language with Physical Touch being only a point or few less) by caring for my Granny so often, the greatest gift I am taking away is Love. My Paw Paw Loves my Granny. They have been married almost 60 years and the Love he has for her is tangible. You can see it in the way he cares for her. You can see it in the way he does not find the tasks difficult and gross. You can see it in the way he knows her inside and out and shows attention to every little detail for her. It is seen in the way he puts her wants before his wants and even his needs.



My grandparents are Catholic and to any Catholics that happen to read this, put your big girl panties on and try to not take it personally (Bub, we call them panties in my house. My husband has learned to deal with it, you can too). The church I grew up in taught a lot of lies. I am sure I was not the only one hurt by the false doctrine that was shoved down my throat and guilted into my heart. My grandparents along with most of their children did not acknowledge I even exsisted when I got pregnant out of wedlock. The lies were so imbedded I even went through a time where I thought God killed our baby as punishment for the premarital sex because that was what I was taught. Even though around the age of 2 I became not so stupid as to believe crap like that, in my grief and shock and isolation, I entertained that lie for a while.



The same guilt that ruled my life must have influenced my grandparents alot also because when our daughter died, they came to the hospital to say how sorry they were. As much as I believe most every word from my mother's mouth is a lie, she was the only one with the balls to say she did not want the baby in her life. But I know others thought it. I often wondered if my grandparents felt guilty for not wanting my baby after she died. I was convinced it was why they came to the hospital and spoke to me for the first time since announcing my pregnancy. Either way, once I found Christ I figured if someone like Him was willing to give someone like me a second chance, I could do the same in my relationships.



*sidenote* I tried real hard with my mother to forgive past hurts. Problem with her is she continues her lies, deception and manipulation to this day and a person can only take so much. She is lying to me about something huge right now and while I will forgive her, I refuse to be in relationship with someone who can not be trusted. I am pissed right now but in time it will pass until the next thing she does to me. The whole forgive 70 times 7 thing? I am well past the 500th chance with her.



I am so glad I took my grandparents back into my life because while there is a huge generation gap, I have learned more from those 2 than anyone in my adult life. I am convicted to love my husband more. I am convicted to not be as lazy. I am encouraged to apreciate Creation and nature. I have hope true Love still exsists because I see it daily while my Paw Paw cares for his dying wife. In a time where at least half of all marriages end in divorce, I have learned marriage can be sucessful and fulfilling and beautiful. I am honored to be a part of their daily lives and to witness their love. That's what Im talkin bout baby.

Update to accessories for former sex slaves

Cyrus actually has an inventory of Sak Saum purses here in the office. Please feel free to use my contact information if anyone is interested in buying a purse. I can also send you some of my business cards if you would like. We are currently working with Sak Saum to develop a website in order to sell the products. I will let you know when that is up and running. So for right now, anyone can stop by the office and look at what we have. We also have Cyrus t-shirts in stock. The ones we have now are long-sleeved. We should be ordering some short-sleeved shirts soon.

Cyrus is a few blocks from HPC on Highland. East Petroleum Drive is directly across the street from Ruffino’s Restaurant on Highland. The Cyrus office is located inside Lee Domingue’s business “Appone”. I can give you further directions if needed.

Let me know if you have any questions.

Have a great weekend !!


Amanda Ferguson

Cyrus International
18153 East Petroleum Drive
Baton Rouge, LA 70809
225-663-0267 (cell)
225-819-0000 (work)

www.cyrusinternational.org

Accessorize to stop human trafficing

I am not the most fashionable person but I like to look nice and have new stuff and be on trend. I am more on the practical side and am not the type to spend lots of money on things like accessories but this is important. This is something I not only was very willing to spend my money on, but I am asking you to spend yours on as well.

I attended my church's frilly fru fru woman's conference last year and was thrilled to see they offered products that were nice, practical, and purposeful along side the fluff. There was an organization featured that was offering products where the profits went 100% back to the ministry work. That said a lot to me.

The featured ministry is Cyrus International and they are worth checking out.

www.cyrusinternational.org

Basically the deal is this; Cyrus supports a ministry that rehabs former sex slaves by teaching them a trade to help them make a living. At the conference, beside t-shirts and such, there were these beautiful handmade purses, bags and scarves for sale. I bought a purse for $30 and ever since then have gotten compliment after compliment on my purse.

I decided maybe I could use the platforms I have to encourage others to make similar purchases and then others can learn what I have about human trafficking and tell who they know and the word will be spread and together we can make a difference. With our accessories.

http://www.in-his-steps.org/sak_saum.htm or click the title of this post.

Buy this stuff. For yourself. As gifts for others. For any reason. Buy it and show it off and tell the story of these women and children and thank God you have never been sold into slavery.

My birthday

On February 20, 2009 I turned 34 years old. The night before, my love suggested I not make my own coffee because maybe someone else would want to make it for me. So I left it and went to bed and awoke to the pitter patter of little feet. I pretended to be asleep and soon the girls walked in with breakfast in bed. They had made my coffee and a bagel with butter and 3 candles in one half and 4 in the other half.They sang to me and each gave me a card they had made. The youngest had found a pink bead necklace and gave it to me and they were all super sweet and super cute.

My husband was working a day shift which meant he left at 3:30am so the girls did everything on their own. After I ate, they told me I had another surprise up front and I had to close my eyes and was lead up front to see that they had cleaned the house for me. All this before they ate their breakfast and got ready for school.

I brought the older 2 to school they went by Amy's to give her matching grills for her and I. After that I went to baby sit my Granny for a couple hours. She pooped on the potty so that was good. Amy called to ask me when I was going home and I figured something was up but had no ideas.

I got home and saw my love's truck stuck in the back yard and hoped he had just taken half a day off and was not fired. I walked in the house and Kenneth jumped out and yelled 'SURPRISE' and THEN I saw my girls!!!

YAY!! I think if the girls can miss 20 days and not fail, they should miss 19, but my love thinks they should have perfect attendance. So for him to get them out of school to be with me was awesome!! There was a card, a cake with my name on it, Gloria and Moto Moto from Madagascar 2 and Ken was not fired; he had just taken the day off and had been at his parents.
We went to lunch at my favorite restaurant (D'Angelos) and they came home to get in my bed and watch Madagascar 2. Again. During the movie, my brilliant husband tried to pull his truck out the mud with no help and my van. Then they were both stuck.

I took a little nap then started getting ready to go grab a bit to eat with my friends. It was simple and casual and awesome. I came home and my girls had stayed over at my in laws so I had a night with no little girls climbing in bed with me. Not sure if that was so great but at least I did not have to share my pillow or covers.

It was a super fantastic great day and that is totally unrelated to me getting a new top of the line Eco friendly washer and dryer. I love my family the berry mostest of all!

Where Will You Be?

I am reading one of my books and it presented the thought of having an eternal mindset. Do I focus more on this life or the next? That sort of thing. As a mother with a child on the other side, maybe heaven is more often in my thoughts than others. Just a guess, I could be wrong. I do consider this life in comparison to the next and have even taught my daughters that sometimes we do things that will have no reward here on earth, but in heaven.

I was playing with the idea of where will I be when Jesus comes back and weighing the options of which would look better. I have been taking care of my grandmother and realized if Jesus comes back while I am bathing, or feeding or lifting my Granny on or off the toilet then I am good. If He catches me posting nasty flair on facebook, that will not be my shining moment.

While thinking through the possibilities from my past week or so I realized I miss God. I really miss spending time reading with Him and praying and not really 'doing' anything but seeking Him. I struggle so much with the balance of serving and doing (whatever I do for the least of these, I do for Him) and spending time with God for myself. I can not really get up earlier or stay up later and I have minutes here and there where I can read or pray but I wake up and hit the ground running to take care of people non stop. I am aware this is a season that will not last forever, but while I am in it, is it ok to not spend time with God and just show His Love to others? I will have to find time to ask Him. That is my favorite. Well, one of my favorites, even if I put Him off, when ever I turn to Him again, He is there, never to leave or forsake. That's what I'm talkin bout baby!

The twins are a year old and why I should not tell everyone

I had my 2nd appointment in counselling and it was scary. I am not sure what we were talking about...maybe what kind of goals I had set or what I wanted to change and my girl asked if I wanted to stop being confrontational and aggressive. I was all 'hellllll nooo!'. Why would I want to stop that? She asked why and I spent quite a few minutes detailing why it was not a problem and how it was a good thing and people needed to get over themselves and I hated tiptoeing around sensitive people and I was doing them a favor and she dropped the WWJD bracelet into my lap.



She wanted to know if when I read the gospels, did I remember it saying anything about Jesus getting His point across like I did. SHIT. And I realized I never even told her how I use shock value all the time. I say stuff to shock the crap outta people and then am all, well you get what you get if you are my friend so don't throw a fit.



We talked about how I may be using such a tough exterior as a defence mechanism to protect myself from being hurt. If I confront first on my terms with all my ammo stocked up, not only do I feel in more control but it is easier to fight a fight I start.



So now, for like the first time I am feeling all convicted about stuff I never had a problem with before. Not only that, I can deal with that; just do not go around telling everyone the twins are now one (referring to my breast aug. that was one year ago on Jan 30th) because that is not proper, not only conviction but fear. I do not face fear often. It is either anger or aggression or extreme sarcasm laced with inappropriate humor. But almost never fear.



When I tell you the thought of dropping my aggression and confrontation sends terror through the depths of my soul I mean it is tangible. It is cold and slimy and dank and nauseating to me. I suppose that indicates a problem that may not be healthy for me. And as surprising as this sounds, I had no clue until sitting in that office next to a box of tissues.



It is not even just the fear of how to protect myself with out those things; it is who AM I without those things? I watch What Not to Wear and never understood how upset the people on the show would get about having to make changes, even though the changes were all for the better, for their good, and at the expense of others. To me it made more sense to change and I saw no reason for them to say the clothes and stuff they had to get rid of (hair, make up, whatever) defined who they were and they were afraid the new stuff would not. Well. I get it now. I not only feel safe behind confrontation but I feel it is who I am and without it, part of my identity will be lost.

I am slightly amused at how blind I was to what confrontation and aggression were to me. And while it is scary, I am willing to drop it if I can. I just hope I do not pick up something else that is worthless to keep me safe. Jesus is my Rock and my Shield. He is my Fortress and Strong tower. The Lord is my Protector and my Refuge. He is enough. Thats what Im talkin about.

A Black President & No More Meat

As bad as my last year ended, the start of 2009 has really been pretty amazing. While I did not vote for Obama, I am a supporter of the President of the United States of America and also, I can not overlook the significance of electing our first black president. It was only 48 years ago that the first black student went to what was an all white school in New Orleans LA. The girl was 6 years old and in the first grade. Her life was not only threatened that day simply because of the color of her skin, but she was the only student in attendance that day. Every white child in her class was kept home by the parents because they did not want their children in the same room as a black child.

I have a 6 year old daughter in the first grade and there a lot of children in her class that I can not tell what race they are. There are also obvious white, black, Spanish & Asian children. It hurts my heart to even think of the kind of treatment that little girl experienced 48 years ago. I did not remember the inauguration until almost noon on the 20th but once I put the TV on, I watched for the remainder of the day. Once again, I surprised myself by being kinda emotional about the whole thing. Who knew I had so many feelings?!?

Today starts another big change in my world. I have a friend fighting cancer and she decided to try a vegetarian diet in an attempt to beat the disease. I offered to do it with her so she would not feel so alone. I have been telling everyone what I am doing to avoid situations like today. I told my in laws yesterday. Today I was offered sausage, a burger and chicken by them. As day one, it was easy to say no thanks but will it always be? I do need to drop a few pounds. 5 will work, 10 would be better. Lots of my clothes do not fit. Not sure if going veggie will help with that but I want to make healthier choices anyway. So, yeah, I am now a vegetarian. Meat is NOT what Im talkin bout, baby.

Cartoon Reaction

I finally had my first appointment with a counselor. Bless her heart, she tried not to flip her legal pad and use a second sheet of paper for her 'getting to know me' notes but she had to end up writing very small and she was all up in the margin and every other blank space on that yellow sheet of paper.

My cartoon reaction happened when she mentioned we really needed to face the sexual abuse and assaults I faced in the past. My eyes got wide and just like in a cartoon when a huge anvil gets unexpectedly dropped on the character's foot, my eyes filled half way up with tears and started to spill down my face. I mean at the first MENTION of it. My resolve was left red and throbbing just like the cartoon foot would have been. I was surprised at myself.

Now I am kinda an all or nothing girl so as soon as my counselor shut the door, I dropped all walls and opened the vault. I am just not interested in playing games and totally believe in just ripping the band-aid off. It may hurt like a bitch but at least it is off quick. I am aware my situation is a bit more than a band-aid, more like a limb reattached with staples but whatever. Fear has never been something to hold me down.

I tried to get back to my unhealthy hatred for my mother and my counselor mentioned my reactions may be based on how the traumas changed me. So I am game for diving into that hell and know I will come out victorious. I even think I can take down a few demons along the way. God knows, I am pissed off enough.

Funny thing, my girl asked me if I had trouble making friends or in other relationships in my life. I told her I get along great with most people. I am actually very social and very much an extrovert. As long as people do not try to harm me, I am cool. It is when I feel threatened that I kinda go psycho. If I feel cornered, that is the only time for concern. But maybe that will all change. And who knows, maybe it will be band-aid quick. That's what I'm talkin bout.

The Start of Something New

So 2009 has begun and it has been better than my end of 2008. I have much more hope. I hear God speaking to me which blasted the lie that He can not possibly still want someone who wishes her own mother would die. I will start counseling next week to deal with that issue and I have hope about that as well.



I got to write a verse, Matthew 8:20 to be exact, in a handwritten bible Zondervan is putting out this year and that was way cool! My older girls each wrote a verse as well. The title links to a website about that.



We had a death on my love's side of the family and it was interesting to see how all these agnostic, Methodist, catholic & Bahia people reacted to the death of a very old crotchety woman who had never been all that nice and needed a LOT of care because she was so old. Sometimes I wonder if God is disappointed that I do not 'witness' to this side of my family more. I just feel it will do more harm than good to tell them 'you are stupid for not believing in God. It is the ONLY thing that makes sense and you are going to burn in hell if you are wrong so again, it is stupid to NOT believe.' I dunno. I do not have time to beat myself up over that one.



My word for 09 is Home. I feel like I am supposed to focus on home more and be home more and make home a priority and here we are 8 days into the year and I think i have been home 1 week day so far. I also committed to sitting with my Granny a few hours a week for my Paw Paw to get stuff done and to have lunch once a week with my daughters. God never said it would be easy. Last year my word was joy. I thought that sounded great until I realized I was supposed to learn to keep my joy even when my circumstances were shit.



My love booked our Disney vacation for this year and we are stoked! Only thing is this time I am not making money like I was last time we went AND we do not have credit cards anymore so we are going to have to make some cutbacks all year to splurge for those magical 5 days in December.



I typically read tons of books at once and so far, here is my Book List:

• Crazy Love by Francis Chan (actually a book club book with SCL)
• Created to be his Help Meet by Debi Pearl
• 5 Conversations you Must Have with your Daughter by Vicki Courtney (I would love reviews from anyone who has read this)
• Same Kind of Different as Me by Ron Hall & Denver Moore with Lynn Vincent

I am sure I will add more before I check any of these off but I am starting light this year so I can see how taxing this counseling stuff will be. Plus I am still working on becoming a non-profit so that needs much attention too.

So there it is. My version of a resolution. OH! And I totally plan to cuss a LOT.

Thats what Im talkin bout, baby!

Recap of 08

After a couple blogs I frequent did year end recaps, I began to recap MY year. At first, thinking about my past month or so, I thought I did not want to recap, but as I began to look through the 88 posts I published this year, I realized it may be worth listing the highlights.

So here it is. 2008 experienced by daphne in one neat little blog post:

• I had major surgery with even more major recovery needed including a botched boob job.
• both my love and I were able to check off a goal we set last January. I will have read through the bible in a year and he finally got our credit cards under control and we NO LONGER USE THEM!
• I blogged and shared my Testimony with a Moms bible study at my church and did not even get asked to leave. ; )
• I discovered SCL, Twitter, & Facebook. Love all but Twitter!
• Got a fab new Tat that was even in a contest that I did not win but I feel like I made the finals.
• My family and I dressed as pirates and went to a Pirate Festival for Mother's Day
• I followed the rise and fall of Todd Bently
• I discovered archery and love it! My goal for 09 is to shoot a squirrel!
• I decided cussing was fine then my pastor preached strongly against it and now I cuss almost as bad as when I was in the army. Not sure what that is about.
• Wii Fit kicked my ass but then I started mastering it before the power went out for over a week and wiped the memory clean and I was too lazy to start again from the beginning.
• I listened to The Last Lecture. This was his last year to give it before he died.
• I celebrated the 10 year mark since my first daughter was born and died.
• Our family attended a real and true family reunion and I learned about my family roots and history
• My love and I learned about a kid in foster care named Leondre.
• I attempted to up my efforts to go green.
• With my girls almost 5, almost 7 and 9, we have had more talks about the birds and the bees and also race.
• We fostered Yorkie puppies and it was hell but so fun. Like it to having a newborn but on a much lesser scale.
• Gustav hit us HARD.
• I splurged on a pair of high heeled Crocs and I Love Them!
• Despite my aversion to Christian trends, I read The Shack and got hit below the belt with it.
• My oldest discovered arm pit hair.
• And finally it snowed in the deep dirty south!

Being in such a dark, cold winter season of my life right now, the snow covering the ground in Southern Louisiana was quite symbolic. I called a friend that is in her own blizzard and can handle my foul language and told her I was pretty sure we had brought down the wrath of God because the tree that the hurricane uprooted in my front yard was covered in snow.

After confirming I had not in fact missed the Rapture, I realized while things seem impossibly bad for me, this too shall pass. I may show my ass a lot on the journey and through the process but I will come out of this and I look forward to 2009. Thats what Im talkin bout, baby!!

Bles8ings

My girls and I are huge fans of the TLC tv show Jon & Kate Plus 8. I have always admired the family and could see they had a faith in God despite their secular tv show. Maybe it made me like them more because instead of Jon & Kate Plus 8's Bible Verse Song Sing-a-long they chose a wider path to tell their story.



When I saw they had a book out, I asked for it for Christmas. While I was interested in the read about a family I have grown to love, I wanted a way to 'support' them as well.



As I started the book while avoiding the rage that threatened to boil over and as a way to steer clear of the bible, I was hit rather hard by the fact that God continues to speak to me no matter how hard and fast I try to run from Him. I guess Tarshish is all booked up this time of year.



I have almost no circumstances, no details to match that of Kate or even Jon Gosselin, yet page after page of the book spoke directly to what I face today. Who knows. It may even carry me to the next moment I am believing the lie that I have, despite all the power and sovernity that is God, found a way to seperate myself from His Love for me.



I say we have no sameness, but that is not really true. Just the major points of their story are not the major points of mine. But like Kate, I am a control freak who has an action plan and tons of to do lists to help me map out my life. When God's plans are different, that can be hard for personalities like ours. And while I have never really faced infertility, I remember what is feels like to believe that all my dreams had ben stolen and left me empty, betrayed and broken.



Kate mentioned Psalm 139:16 which says all of our days are fashioned for us before we even live one of them. God knew what was going to happen to me today. And He knows how I will move through this winter into more barable spiritual tempatures. I loved when Kate talked about how she reacted to her sickness during pregnancy with her twins that kept her in and out of the hospital. She felt she had paid her dues and should not have to suffer again in this way. It was not fair and she whined and complained the whole way through.



She shared about an adoption she had to walk away from that broke her heart and how knowing a decision is the right one to make, does not make the sting of the consequencs any easier to bear. Kate also shares about her many face to face confrontations with the Why me? monster. I mean, I am so sorry for all that family had to go through to get to the cute little 30 minute show we watch on tv, but I still find some comfort in the recording of her journey. Right before Kate was admitted to the hospital with the sextuplets, Jon lost his job because his company did not want to pay insurance for the family. Even after the courts admitted this truth, Jon still lost the hearing and was out of a job. That must have been horrible! We have been there, just on a much different scale. But Kate talks about how it grew them as a family and enabled Jon to be there for their twins while Kate was in the hospital for months. They realized God had a bigger plan than they could see. It felt like a nightmare at the time but in hindsight turned out to be a blessing that taught them trust in a God worthy of trust and so much more.



I am only 50 pages or so in and I have found what I need to finish today and start tomorrow. I accept the comfort my God is offering me and trust when I am next drained, He will continue to be faithful. That's what Im talkin about.

The Way Things Are

I believe a good indicator of the future can be the past. Factor God in and anything can happen. I am not so cynical to believe things will never change. But I am a realist.



Right now because of a loophole, we are fighting to prove we own the home we live in. I told my love while I do believe we will get through this, something else will come up as long as my mother is alive. I believe this about sums up the Christian's life too. It must suck to not be a believer in Christ and hear that if you decide to become a Christian, things may not get better. I can say there is a difference to my trials and hardships now than there used to be. I can find hope and joy among the difficult things I face. I can find peace in knowing I am loved with a Love nothing can ever destroy. I find comfort in the fact that one day my life on earth will end and I will enter paradise.

But man, I am wasted. Just when I was getting over the holidays being traumatic, I am back to the way things are. I was talking to my mother-in-law about what is happening to us and she says she can not wrap her mind around it all. I told her I could because it is just my life. It is what I have known and what I am used to.

I tell you the difference this time; compared to 10 years ago, or even 5, the rage boils internally but Christ gives me a sliver of self control so I do not have to heap guilt and condemnation on my brokenness. The blackness of rage feels so sick as it swirls around a home Christ dwells in. It is so hard to walk into a church service, or talk to the Pastor's wife or do all the other cute little things Christians do and not let the darkness show through. Then there is the idle conversations with her about traffic and whatnot after she just said she was going back on her word and she owns everything I thought to be mine. To be honest, it is all fucking exhausting.

It matters not if we are right or wrong. It matters not what we suffer or what our children are put through. It matters not what is true or just. There is a price to pay when you sue your mother to keep your home. Especially if it leaves her with nothing in the process. On the outside, people will look at me different and on the inside, because I have daughters of my own, what it does to the inside is vile.

Hatein on Joyce

I was introduced to Joyce Meyer veeery soon after becoming a Christian and have followed her ever since. It helped that my church likes her and has her over (to speak, not for a pajama party or whatever).

I bought this teaching of hers a while back even though I almost never do that. I am a reader. I can not 'get it' by listening but I watched her on TV one day and thought the teaching would be helpful to someone else in my life. Maybe my sister. Don't even remember and I never got around to giving it away. Funny, right?!? So I put it on for positive background noise while I worked like mad on my non-profit stuff and it was about the exact things I have been thinking about so here is an email to a few choice friends that resulted;

So I am listening to Joyce M because I am trying to not sit around and think of ways to make my mother disappear and I got some conviction which I guess is good because it means I can still hear Him.

She said something that pissed me off and I thought it good enough to share. She said if your life is crap (I am paraphrasing) change your thoughts and attitude. She said even if nothing ever changes and gets better or even gets worse, if you choose to think on Good, ie God and His Word, even if your life is still crap, you should feel better because of the power of the Word.

So I think to myself, Joyce is nuts. She don’t know. But then I go to read my bible reading o’ the day and it is Psalm 121 (because I have been busy premeditating murder instead of reading my bible and I am behind) and I think to myself, do I believe this or not? Not how do I feel but do I believe it is True. I say yes. So I read it a few times and thought of all my friends that I can not even encourage and support because I am in such a hole and I prayed the Truth for yall.

I may not believe Joyce or believe that things will ever get better for me or you but I still have enough faith to believe the Word is True, even if only on the other side of heaven.

Psalm 121
I look up to the mountains – does my help come from there? 2 My help comes from the LORD, who made the heavens and the earth! 3 He will not let you stumble and fall; the one who watches over you will not sleep. 4 Indeed, he who watches over Israel never tires and never sleeps. 5 The LORD himself watches over you! The LORD stands beside you as your protective shade. 6 The sun will not hurt you by day, nor the moon at night. 7 The LORD keeps you from all evil and preserves your life. 8 The LORD keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever.


Things are shit right now. Some of the things my friends are facing are vile. I hate it! I hate drug addiction and divorce and bad economies and sickness and doctors that can not heal and red tape keeping a child in an orphanage and parents that have children but abuse and I am gonna stop before I start cussing but I hate it. But I guess I still think my God is Good. And He is gonna have to be enough. Thats what Im talkin bout.

Psalm 19:14

I do not feel it, I do not even really want it, but how can I deny a God Who sends me so much support and encouragement when I am at my worst?

I am still in the Word and have chosen to say out loud as often as I can Psalm 19:14 May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in Your eyes oh Lord my Rock & my Redeemer.

Thanks to each of you for holding me up when I could not do it myself. Yall are gold.

Backsliding

Since I wrote last, I have hit a wall so hard and so high I can hardly breathe from the impact. It was almost exactly 5 years ago that I found myself in this very similar situation and it hurts so bad to be back I wish for the sweet release of death. No I am not suicidal. My heart is just turning to stone. Blackness is covering my soul and my being is so filled with rage and hate that I can. not. see. straight.

My mother was always very clear that she loved me but she was also very clear that she despised all that I was. I do not know what it feels like to be mothered, to be safe, to feel cared for, to not be a burden and a disappointment. My mother in law showed me to an extent. It was way cool. But she has a granddaughter that she has raised off and on that will always have priority over me. I do not hold that against anybody. It is what it is.

My mother does not even live next door yet but her poison and venom towards me has me so sin sick I feel like I would rather eternal damnation and forever separation from a God I have loved for the past 10 years over doing His Word.

I continue to read The Word and feel the powerful Truth bouncing off of me and leaving me prayerless as I realize I am not willing to Love Him enough to do what it asks of me. I can not love my enemy. I can not pray for those who curse me. I can not bless those who hurt me. I can not turn the other cheek or forgive 70 times 7.

I understand I do not deserve to be hurt like I have but how can I say I love God and believe in the Cross when I use free will to refuse It's Power? I have heard stories and testimonies of others who have been abused much more than me and they overcame the power of sin and death in their lives. Even if they still fight it, they do not consider eternity in hell as an option over forgiveness and love.

If I were only fighting my feelings this would not be so hard. I believe God's Truth trumps my feelings and emotions. It is my actions that are the problem. I chose to say vile hateful things to the woman who gave birth to me and have no remorse for it later. I even want to do it again and hurt her more. I want her to suffer and feel pain that came from me. 10 years of trying to follow my Lord and this is where I am. Hopeless, heartless and hurting. Unable or unwilling to prove my love to my Jesus by obeying Him. Where the hell am I supposed to go from here? Where the hell. Exactly.

Home Part 2

I called Mr. Florida, broke it off and told him I was not coming back. I had the temp job but needed to make a living so I tried waiting tables. If you have gotten any idea of my personality through reading me, you will understand I did not do well at that job. I could not make my bills and support my habits that way.

While still in the Army, I had began moonlighting as a stripper (again, a bit of that in My Testimony) and since waiting tables did not work out, it made sense to slip back into that situation. That job also made it easier to self medicate. It is an atmosphere that combines the sex trade with mind altering substances and illusions of control and adrenaline producing power. Oddly enough, it was my waitress job that offered drugs first. I had no reason to say no at this point in my life when alcohol was no longer enough to get me through to tomorrow.

My Gram was in a nursing home and while her house was barely standing with no heat or a/c and only half the outlets working sometimes, I stayed in her house to have some privacy but still be on the family property to help take care of things at home. I was not home much anyway and when I was it was usually to sleep off a high.

One night after the strip club shut down, another dancer and I went out looking for some X. She spotted a guy she had dated that dealt in coke but may be able to hook us up. He got us what we wanted and then began pursuing what he wanted. He started coming to the club I worked at and we started talking. I was not interested in a relationship and he said he was not either but we seemed to be drawn to each other regardless.

Within 3 months of meeting I was pregnant. I offered him an out. No strings. He wanted in and we both wanted to clean up. The baby was our reason. We could not afford his place for a lot of reasons and after much debate borrowed money from my mother to buy a trailer and set it up on her land. She had gotten a settlement from my brother's death otherwise she never would have been able to help us. I was raw and feeling maternal and thought it would be great to have my mother there for me.

She informed me she could not be because the baby was half black. But we had our start of a family and a home and my dreams were coming true in the most warped of ways. Fast forward to 5 years later and I am pregnant for the 4th time. Married now,we had paid back what we had borrowed with interest that was beyond any monetary value, not in love with living by my mother anymore but living a life with Jesus, I know it is going to be ok.

Then hell broke open. My mother split with her husband for the 5th time in 4 years and was living alone in her 4100 square foot 25 year old falling apart house. She offered it to us. I was not willing to pay her prices again. I had learned that my first pregnancy had stirred some feelings in me that made me face the realities that I did not have the mother/daughter relationship that Hallmark profits from. I begged my husband to turn down the offer but he refused saying he would make it worth it to me. He did. But we both, along with our children paid a price higher than we ever imagined.

Regardless of the difficulties that came with acquiring the house I grew up in, my love and I settled in to raise our daughters. I delivered our 4th daughter less than 3 months after we moved in and I lived each day in awe of all the beauty God created from my ashes.

A year and a half after I moved back into the very home I had run away from about 12 years earlier, hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans, Louisiana. Because we were in such a large home so far from where the storm made landfall, we were able to offer a place to stay for all my love's family who lived in NOLA. Right after Katrina, Rita hit where my sister and her love lived. She brought friends here to stay also. It was hard. We had 13 people move in with us. I had a 1, 3 & 5 year old. I had a part time job with our church. My love worked hurricane hours. But being able to offer his family, my family, our family a place to be safe made it all worth it. I knew God had called me home for this. Besides all the healing I had faced just coming back on my own, I could offer something to others I loved as well.

We had people staying with us right about 3 months before everyone began to start their lives over in various places. The next year, the other side of my family needed me. My Nanny who is my mom's sister and had lived next door all my life got cancer. She needed me, her kids needed me, her husband needed me. I was able to be there because I lived right next door. Ned died. I blogged about it a bit. I am thankful to have been here for her and her family through something so difficult for them. That was 2 years ago.

Now my mother needs a place to live. She is a bit toxic but my mother none the less. She is not happy about the terms we are asking her to live under but I can not help but believe I live here for a reason. I live where I never wanted to for God's will to be done. I have no doubt it will be difficult. It already has been. But I trust God today. Unlike 16 or so years ago when I chose crack heads and no hot water (did I mention the trailer I lived in had no hot water, ever?) over this very house. Unlike when I had no hope and no plans for a future. Unlike when I did not live loved by my Savior. I will live where I never said I would again because I know that this is not my permanent home. My True Home is being built. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.

Home

I joined the Army the day after I turned 18 for a reason. I tried to join at 17 but needed BOTH parents to sign even if they were not involved. No exception unless they were dead. Unfortunately for me, they both were alive and kicking.



I moved out of my mother's at 17 into a healthier although not ideal environment. I lived in a piece of shit trailer with 3 30 something crack heads. Pun intended. It was the first time I saw grown adults crawling on the ground eating whatever was on the floor in case it happened to be a rock. That enforced my desire to say no to drugs which I held to until my resolve was broken by death. Read that story in My Testimony. Somewhere around January 08. No idea how to link.



I resolved to leave the small town in Southern Louisiana as soon as I could and vowed never to return. I knew by the time I was 18 that my drinking was out of control so collage would be a waste of money and possibly the death of me. I was interested in Law Enforcement and was told military experience helped that career. That was where I got the idea of a free ticket out of town.

I left less than a month after graduating high school for Alabama. I made it through Basic Training and began my specialty schooling to be a Military Police officer. I had my ideas for what I thought I wanted to do and I made these cute little plans in my head. Not really knowing how things usually went down, I was hit pretty hard with my orders for my first duty station.


Almost everyone got sent overseas. A few did not but were going to highly deployable units which meant they may be based in the States but got sent overseas where ever there was action. It was Saudi at the time. There was a single mother of 2 and a married guy with 3 kids that got nice little assignments but when it came down to it, we either were going to Saudi, Germany for a 3 year term or the one I got; Korea for a year. I was devastated at the time, not having a clue how good I had it.



Korea is a whole other story.



From Korea, I got a cush assignment in Georgia. I was in a relationship with someone higher in rank that knew the ropes and pulled some strings for me. I loved Georgia. I was there a while too. Maybe over 3 years. I considered staying there after I got out. But by then I was in a different relationship with a guy from Florida and the beaches were calling out to me. So when I got out of the Army, I headed to Florida to try to find a life there.

As I type I hear the Casting Crowns song playing in my head because I lived it. The one called Does Anybody Hear Her
She is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying but the canyon's ever widening in the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older and she's three more steps behind
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?Or does anybody even knows she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple with all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

She is yearning for shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching for a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming and he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason and she gives herself away
If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her

While there was a time in my life I counted the cost of following Christ too much, I must be growing up because now the thought appals me.

So I am in Florida staying my with boyfriend's sister, knowing things will not work, yet embracing denial until it pries this newest dream out of my cold stiff fingers. I am now the ripe old age of 22 and feel old and worn out. I was dying.

This was mid-May and I found out come June, my brother was going home from collage and my sister would have the summer off from high school and I had this desire, this urge to go home and see my family. The family I ran from. The family that found a way to continue to suck me dry from across the world. I loved my siblings and knew I had abandoned them so Guilt was ingrained in me. It was me. So I went home to Louisiana for a 'visit'.

I actually enjoyed being with my siblings so much I wound up staying more than a few days. It was the first time in over 4 years we were all home at the same time. I will never thank God enough for those days because they were Joy. They were Peace. They were healing.

I had been home about 2 weeks and was at a temp job I had taken with my sister. A neighbor was opening a store and asked us to be on the opening crew. We painted, cleaned and trained the new employees. I answered the phone on June 13th and was told my brother had been in an accident and I needed to come to the hospital. I refused to let my little sister come with me and made her stay at work because I did not want her to see my brother if he looked bad.

I remember every detail of that drive to the hospital.

I arrived and told the info desk worker about my phone call. I was ushered into a tiny room that was packed with my family members. I do not remember who told me or what they said but he was dead. I screamed NO a few times then decided I needed to pull myself together for what had to be done. I said 'where is he? Where is the one who killed him?'. I was told the other driver was dead also and later found out that was not true at the time but was was soon. Good. So I did not have to kill him myself.

I realized I would need to stay in Louisiana to take care of my family once again. I cried only in the shower and slipped back into the role of caretaker like I had never left.