Nostalgia

I had to search for a picture of my cousin for a birthday party and got to take a sweet stroll down memory lane. Good times, good times.

Livin the Dream

While I occassionally feel I am not comfortable in my own skin, today was not one of those days. I made my 6 year old feel especially beautiful, my 4 year old allowed her 8 year old sister help her get dressed and after doing my mom a favor-a long favor-my girls and I hung out at the pool for a while.

My pool has always been one of those places where I can totally see how good my life is. As a child I wanted 2 things. I mean consistantly and passionatly. I wanted to be a mother and I wanted an inground pool. I so very much love to lay in the warm sun and watch and listen to my children play in the pool and I reconize the luxery of it all.

My mom is in a vulnerable place right now so it is easy for me to show her love and not be in that constant state of bracing myself for the next blow. I thought to myself while lounging at my pool today that my mom never got to enjoy a day like I had today. Whatever the reason, even self inflicted; financial strain, too busy, too stressed, to emotionally spent, too burdened, too over committed, she quite possible never had a day like mine. Comfortable in her skin and appreciative of her situation in life. I was a little sad for her. I am often too stressed, too spread thin, too ungrateful to reconize God's Fingerprints all over my life, but when I find myself slathered in sunscreen lying under the Sun my God created hearing the music of childhood while floating in the best $30,000 ever spent, I can appreciate the story of my life.

I have often thought my life may make for entertaining material. Be it pride or conceit or whatever, I felt my story was worth telling. Today I got a picture of my Story and it was the Red Letter edition. What I saw was more red letters than not.

I did not spend hours in prayer today. I have not even read my bible yet and on top of that I fit in a good 40 minutes with Dr. Phil. I was not religious or spiritual and I even wore a 2 peice to swim in but my day was still all about God and His goodness to me and mine. I have no veils or strongholds blocking my view of the truth. Today I was free. I was livin the dream. That's what I'm talkin' bout baby.

The Donuts did it

My husband recently did something to hurt me and I was pretty mad. He talked to a friend of his about it and the friend actually sided with me and suggested flowers. Now I have to give it to my husband, he is hit and miss a lot of the times when it comes to knowing me and what I want and need. I tell myself it is the thought that counts. A lot.

Well, I guess Kenneth thought about flowers but he had tried a couple other things that did not work. Actually, one worked ok the other made things worse. He likes to play the baby card. He found an exceptionally cute picture of one of our girls (so not hard to do) as a fat baby and emailed it to me. It made me smile while I was mad but I still find that a lame way to say 'I am sorry'. Honestly I have often wondered to myself why those words were so hard to say when it makes things so much better. I think for myself I rationalize that it is counterproductive because it just let's people off the hook with no solution to the problem. If I thought taking the blame for a situation, my fault or not, would make things better, maybe it would be easier to do. I just think saying sorry for peace's sake is not productive in a situation where resolution is scarse.

For example, if I say I am sorry for never doing laundry and leaving people with no clean clothes to wear but do not actually start doing laundry, how can that be right? Take it up a notch or 8 and say I am so sorry I had that affair. I am so very sorry and I want to make our marriage work. Even if the affair stopped, if the offender continued to be unavailable and not make an effort to earn back trust what is the point? Both of those examples were just that. Examples. I do laundry every day and Kenneth helps with the laundry often. Also, neither of us have ever had an affair so that is not from our lives. Just saying that saying 'Im sorry' for Im sorry's sake is lame.

So in lieu of flowers, I got donuts! That's what Im talkin bout BABY!
OH! But that did not get him off the hook. I still need clean clothes to wear. Ya gotta start somewhere though.

Movies I want to see

I enjoy movies. I love to read but make more time for movies these days. Not that I am getting a mushy brain in my yogert eating old age but I tend to get so absorbed in a book I neglect the rest of my life. So we got this new cable channel that is nothing but movie previews. Wow.

Often the previews are the best parts and a lot of times the movie is a big let down after an incredible preview but I still love watching them. Ken and I actually found ourselves glued to this new channel for over an hour the other day and here is the list of movies I want to see after watching the previews:

Wanted starring Angelina Jolie and Morgan Freeman. WOW! This looks bad ass. Angelina did not cover any of her tats for this one. YEAH BAby!

The Happening starring Marky Mark. Normally I would not want to see this type of movie but I will see anything with Marky Mark in it. He is yummy and oh so talented in my opinion. In your face NKOTB!

Prince Caspian I read the book, I read the series, and I heard it was great plus I try and support Christian based movies.

Adam Sandler's movie called something like Dont Mess with Zohan. What can I say. I am a fan. I make no apologies.

Lakeview Terrace with Samual L! Love him too! Not as much as Danzel but I gotta see this because a black cop (Sammy) tries to run off his new neighbors which are a mixed couple. Gotta support interracial marriages. It is a requirement or something.

Snatch. Dont remember a thing about it but I wanted to see it enough to write it in one of my notebooks. Mushy yogert brain!

Surfwise. Now this looks so awesome! This old dude had a bunch of kids, like 8 or 9 and they lived in a mobile home and traveled and surfed and he was a bastard but in the good way so now his kids are wanting to give their kids the same experience. It is either a documentery or like one.

What Happens in Vegas I like Ashton mainly because Bruce does and if you are alright with Bruce you are alright with me. I am NOT a fan of Diez however and the movie may or may not be funny but I am sure one day I will need a mindless watch and it will fill a need.

So, there it is. The List. Hopefully one of these will be a winner. Like when I saw the Village I had to tell everyone to see it. And Man on Fire. And She's the Man. That's what Im talkin bout!!!!!111

Communication aka the breakdown of Pink vs. Blue

I read this fab book on marriage and it really opened my eyes to a lot of things. I am guilty of hearing a message or word or whatever and thinking 'MAN! My husband needs to get this!' when just as often I need something too. I just can not tell what that something is because of the stoopid plank in my eye. Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs rocks for lots of reasons. The main one was it showed me what an ass I was being to my husband and how great he had been; I just did not reconize it. Eggerichs used a concept that was so brilliant to me. He broke it down to this; men speak and hear blue and women speak and hear pink.

If your marriage is jacked up, read this book. If your marriage is good, read this book. If your marriage is perfect, read this book and share what you learned with your married friends. I love communication and it is an area my marriage needs work in. My husband will often say he told me something and I remind him if he does not say it out loud and to me that does not count. He feels he communicated something to me but when it is too blue I miss it. Now my Love is one who will think to himself he should tell me something and not remember that he never said it out loud but most times I think it boils down to pink vs. blue.

Our latest communication misshap occured when I went to him and asked how he felt about me getting another tattoo. I had been inked 7 times already but all before our daughters and I felt it was a big decission that I did not want to make alone. He gave me one of his standard answers of 'I dont care'. I knew what I wanted but wanted his imput of where and, well, just his imput. All I could get out of him was 'I dont care. Do what you want. I dont care.'

So the day I was to get said tat he seems annoyed and even teases me about being too old for a tattoo. We had some major life stressors occuring at the same time and I was having trouble reading him so I kept asking him if he was ok with what I was doing. 'I dont care'.

Can you imagine my shock when I get back and he freaks on me?!? DUDE! What the hell? He freaks about it being on my back and the size. He says to me, 'I thought you would get something small and tasteful on your ankle or (he said some other location-I heard BLUE BLUE BLUE, BLUE BLUE!). I was like, 'well Simple, what's done is done. I can not take it back.' With the location it is in I need help taking care of it and I hated having to ask him but what could I do. Last night we were lying in bed and he says 'it really is a beautiful tattoo'. I said 'that you wish I did not have?' He said 'yeah'. Blue bastard.

I have a ring I call my family ring and that is what the tat is of. Jesus is the center of our family. The 2 hearts are Kenneth and I joined as one. The colored jewles on the tips of the cross are the birthstones for each of our daughters. Our firstborn, Rya, is green (peridot). Next is Avery in October. Then Emery and last Adrian, both in March. Joshua 24:15 As for me and my family, we will serve the Lord! That's what I'm talkin bout BABY!

Twitter

I found this new site that I thought was cool. Well, I did until I started using it. The site has issues. I like the concept still. And I guess I should say maybe it is not the site but the user but whatever. Be not afraid of greatness/she's the man quote.

Speaking of She's The Man, I have to say, it is one of my favorite movies. Granted, it is not of the same caliber as Man on Fire but really, who can compair to Danzel? Let's be fair, now. I have few words to use up today that are not She's The Man quotes so until I can get someone to take a picture of what my next entry will be about, I am going watch the rest of She's The Man. Thats what Im talkin bout.

Bon Qui Qui and Offence

I love to tell my friends 'you get what you get, and don't throw a fit'. I am who I am and I do not like walking around egg shells with people who are supposed to accept me. It just gets old when I feel like it is best to not be myself all the time. If you want to see something funny, click the title of this post and feel free to laugh. It is ok! I will not be offended; Bon Qui Qui will not be offended; my black husband will not be offended. It is what it is. My husband and I often say 'it's funny cuz it's true'. Bon Qui Qui is funny cuz it's true.

I had a Bon Qui Qui email incident with my friends and I think maybe God allowed that to happen to allow me to see that I am not The Norm. I do not want to 'fit the mold' and I do not. I want to rock the boat and I do. I TOTALLY understand that what I find funny and entertaining is NOT what others enjoy and I accept that. That is not my problem. I do not get offended easily. I was offended to have my friends think I would be offended. Ha! No, actually I was just surprized that as transparent as I am, some of my friends do not get me at all. I will be ok with that though because I have to think Jesus must be able to relate. He did not go with the flow; He offended others all the time, He was transparent but misunderstood and He came to give me fullness of joy (Ps 16:11). Now, that's what I'm talkin bout baby.

Pirates & Ponies

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. It will probably be nice but today kinda rocked. I mean, it had it's rocky parts but all in all, in included a lot of my favorite things. Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens does not make my list on most days. Today (and tomorrow) I did not talk to my mother. I was with my husband and kids AND my sister and her husband. I got to go for a boat ride. My horse loving daughter got to pet AND ride bareback on a beautiful creature named Playgirl. She was petting the horse while in her Uncle's arms and said to him, "I can not just pet it, I have to ride it. I just have to!" How can you say no to that?

After visiting horses (and rabbits-not exactly on my list but whatever), we went to Lake Charles Contraband Days pirate festivle. I still have eyeliner caked on my face. It was a cool event but the best part was dressing up in our pirate tee shirts, hats, eye patches and putting pirate tattoos all over us and branding plastic swords and a sleeping beauty doll going out in public as a family. Speaking of family, my sister and I have noticed an abundance of interracial couples in the Lake Charles area. That is on my list. Interracial couples with biracial kids, even better! I did see a pregnant girl smoking today and had to leave because I was afraid I would ruin my Christian witness by saying something nasty to her. You would be surprized how difficult it is to not ruin your Christian witness while trying to be a pirate, savvy.

At the pirate festivle I tried some carnival food that may just make my favorite thing list. We had deep fried oreos and chocolate covered cheesecake on a stick. The oreos tasted like a donut with an oreo in the middle and the cheesecake was covered in chocolate and on a stick!

I got to watch SNL and actually laugh. I got some great email affirmation from my friends. They think I am funny. Especially when I make fun of Catholics and have content warnings on my blog. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.

Christians may like me

This title links to a disturbing blog I recently found. Sidenote, I am learning to use some of the options on my blog!! This other blog is called Stuff Christians Like. I SO fit the flippin mold!! Man, that pisses me off! Here I am, stumbling through my life feeling like I do not fit anywhere, not in the world, not in church, not in my life and come to find out, IT"S ALL A LIE!!!!

I am being dramaticly scartastic. If you did not realize. I actually enjoyed this other blog very much and Todd Bentley is actually mentioned on this other blog (mentioned in my last post). And how funny is this? I have an appointment to get a tattoo and planned to get a scripture inked on my back, but after reading this blog, I am thinking I may not just so I will not be liked as much. Ref. # 23.

I have read or at least skimmed almost every post this dude made and I must say one I totally plan to use to the fullest advantage is post # 37 which is on Abstinence. Here is what it says:

I'm a huge fan of abstinence, especially now that I'm married and don't have to follow it. But I almost left it off this list because I think despite how much we like the idea of abstinence, we've done a really poor job explaining the benefits.

Here's what usually happens for 13-year old Christian boys. Their parents or their youth leader says, "Look, you should stay pure and not have sex so that you keep your marriage holy." That's their first option. Then the world says to them, "Look at me! Sex is wild and fun and neon and loud and whoa Spring Break!" And as a 13-year old that was an easy decision for me to make. (And if you believe that the pursuit of holiness alone will inspire your 13-year old son first let me say that's adorable, and second I honestly hope he does not come in contact with one of the 25% of teenage girls in this country that has an STD.)

Here's what we should be saying about abstinence. The best reason not to have sex until you're married is that it makes your sex life so much better after you're married. When you don't bring baggage into a sexual marriage relationship things get wild a lot faster. You get to have crazy, awesome, Prince type sex. There's no memories of other people, no hang ups to work through. It's just you and your wife getting ridiculous and enjoying the hot sexy good time that holiness makes possible. This is what it sounds like, when doves cry.

Abstinence. That's what I'm talkin bout BABY!

Not another Prophet in an Armoni Suit

I have been hungry for God. It has been easier to choose Him over the world. I have been reading Rick Joyner's Final Quest series. I am on book 2, The Call and while still in the 1st chapter I have like 3 pages of notes. I have also been watching Todd Bentley as often as I can but not often enough. I mean to get stuff done but I just want to sit and watch or pray or worship. Title of this blog will link you to Todd's site.

I feel spread as thin as always and I am getting frustrated I can not give more time to God. I need more time with Him. Reading about visions and prophecy and watching revival and healings I need to know the Holy Spirit better so I can know what to do. I have always been one of those people that believes things are not going to get better, but worse. Maybe begining my bible studies with Revelation or maybe just my realistic, cynical outlook will not let me 'hope for a better future'/hearts and squiggles. I believe things will continue to get worse until Jesus comes back. I want that to be soon but seeing all these signs of the times that show the end is near has me nervous.

I am back to loving my new breast and I would love a tummy tuck and a little lipo and I want to be in shape and lose weight but FOR WHAT?!? To either die or be raptured?!? Something I got from reading the Call was looking at myself and all my faults is PRIDE and will keep me from God. I have been asking for more judgement and conviction *yikes* and I found that looking at myself will bring confussion and make it harder to hear the Holy Spirit. I can not abide in His presence and be self-conscious or self-absorbed. It makes sense, how can we hear from God when looking at our own inadequacies and unworthiness? We will never be worthy or adequate. That is why we need Him! We can never make ourselves into what we should be and it is Pride to try and focus there. ALl I can do is trust God to use me despite myself. The Call puts it quite simpily. Our call is to abide in the Holy Spirit and let God use us. In His Presence is where we will see Glory.

I can see in my limited understanding why Romans 8:1 is in the bible. When we are in condemnation for our sins and focus our our unworthiness, we are not looking to Jesus. I tend to struggle with not being repentant enough for my sins and chalk it up to being human then go into condemnation for NOT being in condemnation and just a bunch of stupid crap that is not SEEKING HIS FACE. Eph. 4:3 NLT says Always keep yourselves united in the Holy Spirit and bind yourselves together with peace. That's what Im talkin bout Jesus!

Growing Up

I recently found myself in an emotional situation where I initially responded in my usual way of anger, violence, and agression. I scared the crap outta my girls but I pulled myself together right quick and in no time I actually began handeling the situation like a Christian, an adult Christian no less! You do not hear pride in my words but shock and awe!

I have been in the Word more this year than ever in my Christian walk and it has made such a difference. I really believe in the POWER of the Word; help my unbelief! I actually acted on Eph. 6:12 and realized my battle was not against flesh and blood but against the evil powers that rule the world I live in. I not only feel I may be moving up a level in my relationship with God but I feel as a family we are moving.

Speaking of Joshua 24:15 As for me and my family, we will serve the Lord, I have an apt. to get a tattoo that has that meaning and possibly the scripture ref. too.

I have felt some fear lately, serious fear and while I know I have not been given a spirit of fear, but one of power and love and a sound mind, I was surprized how much fear I felt. What does it mean? Being in God's will = stronger attacks? Feeling fear = need to cover areas in prayer and the blood? Fear = NOT being in God's will? I dunno. I do know that no matter what I face, I have not turned away from my God, but to Him. See? I am growing up finally! That's what I'm talkin bout, savvy?

Ladies and Gentlemen, CASTING CROWNS

Once again, a song by my boys Casting Crowns ministered God's love to me. I never really got this song until I just lived it out.

"East To West"
Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me
Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other

Attack of the Killer Breast

I have been wanting to write about the emotional turmoil I have been experiencing but honestly, I could not put into words what was wrong with me. Basicly I faced some situations that resurfaced my past and kinda freaked and thought I wanted my implants out.

First, a few set ups. Recently I came face to face with a guy I 'dated' for lack of a better term. I have been raped twice and as weird as this sounds, neither time was that tramatic. Well, the one in Korea was violent but kinda anti-climactic, no pun intended. This guy would threated to kill himself if I broke up with him and his mom would call me from the hospital and beg me to be his girlfriend. I was 13 and did not know how to get out. After the date rape, he found out, told me he was supposed to be my first and insisted I give it up to him too. Like that. We now attend the same church service every week.

Then I shared my testimony with the bible study group so my past was just brought up again and I was forced to revisit places I do not often go. That was not so tough but I think maybe using so much ugliness for God's glory may have needled the devil some, savvy? Then, my trip to Chicago.

Hmm. Ok, let's see. To sum up that trip I would say lesbians and liquor. My cousin lost her lover of 34 years and her best friends are in her wine club. So, yeah, I got drunk and talked about ex-girlfriends. Faced a little condemnation from that.

So in light of that, I realized, well, not at the time, I could not put it into words until now and at this point I am over it but I digress. I realized my new breast size was causing me some uncomfortableness. First of all, padded bras conceal nipples. Now, in regular bras they just scream at everybody all the time. Plus, being a D they are just out there. I like the way they look but feel like that is wrong. I am not wearing anything revealing but unless I am in something very baggy I just feel I am doing something wrong. I realized I was confusing how I used to be with who I am now. Maybe I used to use my body in a perverted way but my heart is pure now. It is harder to not be sexy but just because I have larger breast does not mean I am going to use them for evil. That souns funny. Like ATTACK OF THE KILLER BREAST!!! Run for your lives! Do not look directly at them or the nipples will poke your eyes out!! ; )

Ok, so how did I get over all the lies? With the Truth. Psalm 33:15 was part of my daily reading and it says He made my heart so He understands everything I do. I felt like a huge weight was lifted off me when I read that. It should not be such a struggle to not look like the world, especially when I do not look like the church either. So I will just believe the Word of God for what it is; TRUTH. I am going get a tattoo. That's what IM talkin bout baby.

He will never leave me

Hebrews 14:5 reminds me that God will never leave me or forsake. Recently in a bible study lesson, I prayed for God to show me how to practice His Presence with me and to just be aware of Him more. With that in mind the girls and I decided very last minute to head on over to Lake Charles for a short visit with my sister. The drive was not bad and I had just called my sister to tell her we were almost to LC and confirm the exit I was to take. There was a bit of construstion and the 2 little girls had just woken up and I was just being silly with them and suddenly traffic went down to one narrow lane and came down to a slow crawl. I slammed on my breaks but not soon enough to avoid hitting the car in front of me. I was forced to pull off onto the exit ramp. I stopped the van and collected myself and reconized I had just avoided an accident and God was there. I was even able to back up a little and get back onto the interstate.

Honestly I did not think I was following too close or speeding but I was thankful to have avoided an accident for sure. I got back on I10 and got right into Lake Charles when the road seemed to get really rough. The girls were all hollering about how bumpy things were when my stomach got all knotted up and someone pulled up on side of me and yelled 'you have a flat tire'. I was on an over pass and had to drive a little further to have somewhere to pull over but I was still kinda in the road. I called my sister who was checking out at Wal Mart and she said she was going to find her husband-who had just gotten off work-and head my way. I called Kenneth to see if I could call AAA but he said I had Kia roadside assistance. I called them but my phone was in the red and I had been on it talking with the woman for 20 minutes about vin numbers and milage and policy and it was getting very hard to not get agravated with her. She wanted to update my info and kept asking me the color of the vehicle and FINALLY we got to my location. Well, I was not sure of my location. Not only was I out of town in an area I was unfamiliar with, I just happen to be no where NEAR any readable sign at. all.

So, Rachel beeps in and I answer hoping she can tell me where I am. She needs to know herself so they can find me. She and Josh are on their way and I am thinking it is going to be impossible for Josh to change my tire with the van half in traffic at the top of an overpass in high traffic considering I know the tire in NOT easy to change. As Rachel is figuring out where I am, a roadside assistance vehicle pulls up behind me. YAY! I am very certain it has nothing to do with the Kia conversation but my vehicle information is updated at least. They are now aware that my van is RED! The guy tells me to pull over as far as I can and gets set up. Josh and Rachel call and they can see me (they were close-even with traffic) and the guy helping me.

The guy has all his fancy stuff perfect for changing any tire and Josh and Rachel pull up and we get the girls into the truck and the tire changing commences. Now with Josh there to help. The guy jacks the van and Josh unblots the spare ANNNND it is flat. No worries (God is with us)! The fancy truck has an air pump so they pump up my flat spare, get it back on the van and in not a lot of time really, we are all on our way! The tire holds the air so well we pass the first exit we come to and opt for the next one which happens to be the one to go to their home AND what do you know but right off the exit (well, not RIGHT off but for a difficult situation things are going extreemly well!) is a Tire Shop! They are closing up and washing their hands but we pull in, plead our case and since God is with us, we get a tire to replace the blow out and the flat fixed. And Josh had enough cash in his pocket to cover it all.

A blow out alone could have caused an accident. We had God so all over us that it was almost comical. Favor. Mercy. Grace. Love. THAT is what I'm talkin about, baby.

The Fog Finally Lifts

I went into the plastic surgon's office today and the nurse asked me how I was feeling. I told her I was way out of it and very confused and mentally this recovery was much harder than the last one. I could not walk in a stright line and Kenneth had to help me do everything including go to the bathroom. Melissa (the nurse) looks at me and asks if that is my nausea patch behind my ear. I told her yes and she said that was why and I should take it off right away.

Tonight I can read and write (type) and have a conversation and my depth perception is back to normal and I am not sleeping all day and I just feel normal again. And how about these apples; Kenneth actually took good care of me! He was nice to me almost the whole time. ; )

Now, about my breast. Despite the blood and stitches, I think I can see a difference already. Now the paranoid part of me feels the bottom of the breast that still feels empty and deflated and I am horrified to think this 2nd surgery is not going to work. I guess it is the old part of me that believes God will punish me for doing something others may judge un-Christlike. Today is Thursday and the surgery was Tuesday so it is pretty un-realistic to expect final results right now. Maybe it is because I have final results on the right already. I mean really, is life not about more than food and clothes? (Mat 6:25 & Lu12:23)

I will continue to seek God and fear the Lord so I may have health and vitality. A healthy boob. That's what Im talkin bout baby.

Surgery

My surgery is tomorrow. I would like to be too busy to think about it until it is time to go. Grr. I just want to be a two year old about this and stomp my feet and scream IT'S NOT FAIR! I prayed before the first surgery that this exact thing would not happen and that I would not need a second surgery and here I am going into my second surgery and not sure how to pray before this one. I would LOVE to come away from this with another easy recovery and results on the left like on the right. I would love for 6 weeks from now to be saying it was all worth it in the end. At least I am not one of those people scared of surgery and being put under. The only thing I am concerned about is going through all this again, putting out all the money for this surgery and wind up having to have the implants removed all together. I love the one! More than I thought I would. I just want to learn what I am supposed to learn (rest????) and have beautiful breast. It is funny how that was never on my wish list before.

I did not trust Kenneth very good last time. I will try to be a better paitent and allow him to care for me and the girls without micromanaging him. Really. I will. I will try harder than last time.

I would like to book a bunch of TS parties too. I want to make more money. I think. Maybe. I did back out of the New York trip. Kenneth asked me once if I really thought that would ever actually go through and I have to admit, I really had hopes for it too. Then again, Rachel and I did not respond the way we did when we were told about it if we actually thought our mother would pay for us to fly to New York and see a Broadway show. It never made sense on any level and I must say I feel a lot better not being under that 'gift' anymore. It is so much more familiar for us to not go. No one offers a gift like that to someone then asks for money to buy food because they have not had food in the house for 3 days. The latter is familiar. I do not want to go off on that topic. I need to clear my mind and focus of perfect lovely breast. Now, thats what Im talkin bout BABY!

Reading List and a Random thought or two

As is the norm for me, I am reading many things at once. Some more than others. Here is my current list:

1. The Bible. More specificly Numbers and Mark.
2. The Beloved Disciple by Beth Moore. As great as I find this one, I am not giving it much priority. Maybe during my 2nd recovery from surgery it will get more play.
3. Loved by God by Liz Curtis Higgs. This is actually a bible study the Moms group at my church is working on. I enjoy it a lot and waiver from giving it full attention and rushing through the lessons to get to something else I am working on.
4. Prayer Portions by Sylvia Gunter accompanied by the daily study guide written for Prayer Portions by Amy Bills. One or the other is deeper than I take the time for but I love it. One days lesson in the study guide could easily take me a week and I would not have done much more than waded into the waters.
5. The Final Quest by Rick Joyner. This one I begrudgingly started at the pressing of a good and respected friend and now I do not want to put it down. Also it is one of those books that jump starts me into wanting to give myself more fully to Christ and here come the random thoughts.

I want to be more fully committed but I feel my life and circumstances does not allow that. For example; I will not watch a movie my husband downloads that is not released yet where as he has no problem doing so. On the other hand I will watch just about any movie out no matter how vile or perverted it is. I justify this by saying I gotta have something in common with my husband besides our children. Am I holding back me or him?

I do not want to be so desensitized to evil and I know some areas I dabble I should not but other areas I am not sure about. The Final Quest talks about the good vs. evil thing and Christians are on both sides. The ones on the evil side are decived and believe they are on God's side and are fighting for Him when in reality Satan is just using the crap outta them to defeat their own. Part of me wants to know where I stand. I am not a seer and find myself so oblivious sometimes to what is going on around me. Part of me wants to have a glimps of which side I am fighting for but the other part of me is so content to have no idea and just continue blindly on. Man, I sound so LAZY and lukewarm. Bleck!

I know I want to fight for Jesus not against Him. I just gotta decide how much I am willing to pay. How much of a sacrifice am I willing to give. How much am I willing to die so He can reign? Stupid flesh! I hate the influence it has over me.

One more random thought. Kenneth is upset and got on me about not doing enough laundry and house work. He says he has to work and does as much as he can on his days off. I am doing quite a bit more than I should and am facing even more limitations with this next surgery and I am not sure where to go with this. He pointed out I should be fine now because it has been almost 6 weeks and I pointed out he stopped helping after less than one week and he spends lots of his off days with his computers and scratching his balls. He said touche' but now what.

It is too easy to think I am a good Christian while judging him. I do not want to be used by Satan to bring both he and I down. Can someone help me get this plank out of my eye? It is going to scratch my monitor. Jesus is my banner of victory (1 Cor 15:57). That's what Im talkin bout baby!

Up and Down

I suppose it is normal. I cried all morning. One minute I feel strong and like I can handle everything and the next I seem to have lost all faith. One minute I have the right perspective, the next it is so very lost and I just want to have the biggest pity party. I understand the lack of truth, but I actually compaired this to losing Rya. Let me elaborate. I am the only one of my group of friends (which is large) that has lost a baby to stillbirth. Now, of allll the people we know who have implants, I am the one who winds up needing a re-do.

Then there is the issue of Kenneth and his inability to be healthy when I need care. As soon as I could hold my own, he stepped back with what little he managed. Again, easy to slip into the whole pity party. Poor me, not enough help, too much work, blah, blah, blah.

I know it will all be fine. I just gotta get through it. And this is a little funny but I kinda have to tell lots of people I have to have another surgery and I am so mad it is the aug! I do NOT want to tell just anybody about that part of it. It was easy to leave that part out with alll the other stuff I had done now the only thing that is being spotlighted is my breast. I hated wearing the medical bra because it seemed so obvious and I felt it drew attention to my breast. Now I will have drains and have more to wear than before (medical bra plus an additional band). I will not be able to do as much physically and I fear my lack of mobility will be a tale tell sign.

I must still have more guilt issues otherwise I would not worry as much about secrecy. Then again, I believe it is normal to not want to discuss a boob job with my Paw Paw who is in his late 80's. I dunno. I know in the back of my mind I still question whether I deserve to spend this kind of money on myself and it is a sort of taboo topic, especially in a Christian world. I mean it is kinda crazy how the times can complicate biblical standards. Today a breast augmentation is compaired to make up or hair high lights or even home improvements. Then again, there is the whole 'why change what God made' side. I have to be sure of myself and the choices I make. I do not want to be up and down. I need a steady foundation. I have One. I just need more time with Him. That's what I'm talkin about.

Capsulation

I finally got in to see the doctor. The nurse lead me to the exam room and asked how I was doing. I told her I was nervous and she told me not to worry and asked what side I was concerned about. Then she turned around and looked at me. I had slipped my jacket off and she said, 'Oh, I see. It looks like it is in capulation.' The doctor walked in took one look and told me surgery was my only option. So I scheduled my surgery for March 18th which is only a few days after I should be pronounced 'fully recovered' from my January 30th surgeries.

I have to admit I was very upset at first and of course second guessed the decission to even have such an unneccessary surgery and wondered if I heard God wrong and thought about the extented recovery and how a $4100 surgery is turning into a $4750 surgery with higher risks the 2nd time around. I had quite the pity party. Kenneth was great though and spoke with wisdom and compassion and support. He really loves his boobs! Bless his heart!

Funny side note!! I often say 'Bless his/her heart!' and recently at church that was the title of the message. The Pastor informed us 'bless your heart' translates to 'You are an idiot". So TRUE!!

So, the doctor is not charging me but I do have to pay for supplies, etc which is $650 and I just so happen to have gotten a refund that is more than that and normally I would have had to book the surgery 6 months out but they had a cancellation on March 18th that I was able to take. I kept getting little reminders that some people are struggling with their health and I am struggling for the perfect breasts so I got a little better perspective. I also took a few minutes, climbed into my Father's Lap and let Him love on me and accepted that even if I did hear Him wrong and did not have His blessing for a boob job, He was still with me and loves me and has had His Hand on all that has come my way. I listened to Nicole C. Mullen sing Convinced and felt my God's Presence so it's all good.

Then of course, I wound up getting personal with the nurse and she told me about the baby she lost 12 years ago and I was able to share some of my story with her and validate her feelings for her baby when she did not think she had that right. How sweet of God to use me because of a broken boob. That's what I'm talkin bout BABY!

Lyrics to Convienced:
I don’t know if light is brighter
In the earth or the soul
I don’t know which night is darker
The one I do or don’t know
Chorus: But I’m convinced
I’m persuaded
I will not be separated
From the love
I have in You
‘Cause neither death or life can severe
Neither height or depth could measure the love You have
And my love for You

The wind will blow on everybody
And rain will fall on us all
And if the, weather of my lifeIs not like I want it, still
I’ll survive thru the storm

I‘ll give it all

I made the call

One of my breast is so very beautiful. The other is not. I have been trying to wait it out and only have one person I know that has implants to run things by. But it has been 6 or 7 years since hers and she has different kinds and blah blah blah and even though she has been telling me it took her a lot longer than where I am at to settle into her final result, it has really been a worry on my mind to have the issues I am having.

So I kept trying to talk myself out of calling but today I just decided, let me just call them, get it over with, and have them tell me I am being parinoid and to get over myself and be paitent. That is NOT what they told me. Apparently it is not as normal as I hoped to have the issues I do so they want me to come in. She even mentioned a possible 2nd surgery. *insert big fat sad face*. What a bummer. I will try to stay positive till the doctor sees me and I know for sure what I am up against but man. Man.

I am so very glad I called and almost wish I had sooner (although the doctor is not in at all this week so I would still be waiting till next week to see him). It may not even big that big of a deal even at the worst case senerio but who wants to pay that much and go through recovery to wind up needing additional treatment. I am glad I decided to do the photo journal too because it also shows the problem but all it takes is a look at my breast to see the issues. Even in clothes it is obvious one implant is much higher than the other. I often put a shirt on and it is too obvious so I need to change.

It could be worse and I still get tons of compliments and not only do other people think I look slimmer but I do too. Who knew the results could be this good. One the one side anyway. Both sides will eventually be lovely, I am sure. In Jesus' name, right? That's what I'm talkin bout.