Follow up post to Shopping for a hooker

this is why I shopped for a Hooker. For this outreach. I wanted to go but I think I chickened out. Still, I was a part.
Outreach Testimonies: Part 2
I got this note for the people of HPC from Alliece Cole - written by Donna Frank after a very special outreach a few days ago:
‘Twas the Midnight Before Christmas
192 roses, 3 strip clubs, 2 Hooters restaurants and Bennie’s Bar
The Alamo is quiet tonight…dozens of rooms left empty after a rash of break-ins forced people to seek safer housing. The man working security tells us we should go; that it’s not safe. We smile and thank him for his concern. We give his girlfriend a rose and a gift bag. She hugs us and thanks us profusely. He is skeptical but takes the box of chocolates we offer him. We wish them a Merry Christmas and get back in the shuttle. We talk to several more women before we leave; each one of them confused by our presence but clearly grateful. For most, we are their only reminder that Christmas is good.
The ladies working at the clubs are equally confused by us. They struggle to maintain composure as the peek into their gift bags to look at the earrings, chocolates, trinkets and gifts. Excitement replaces skepticism as they start pulling out their small treasures. A bouncer tells us that these are the best gifts these ladies will receive.
The bags contain mostly HPWomen leftovers: sparkly crowns, head bands, t-shirts, coffee mugs, jewelry, hand lotion and fancy chocolates. They also contain the necessities of life: tissue, breath mints, Tylenol and a copy of Pastor Dino’s book, Turning Points - everything a girl needs to get through the holidays.
The streets always hold an undercurrent of desperation, but this near to Christmas, everything is magnified. The tears are closer, the rage is hotter, and everything can turn on a dime. That’s why we’re there. We want to be available when people are willing to turn… we want them to have an option other than violence, drugs or hatred. Jesus is never closer to people than when they’re on the edge. Tonight, you allowed us to walk the edge with them.
Your prayers, your support, your commitment and your willingness to serve is what opens the door for us to walk the streets at midnight and pray for the people. You allow us to bring light to a dark and discarded world. You bring hope to the hopeless. You love the unlovable. You are the hands of Jesus.
Drug addicts, prostitutes, pimps and dancers were reminded tonight that they are not forgotten. God didn’t forget them, and neither did Healing Place Church. Thank you for enabling us to be a healing place for a hurting world.
All for His glory.

Happy Birthday Jesus

Well, I miss Disney, but Christmas was still ok. I still find it hard to only see the Wonder of Christ's birth in the midst of the gifts, food, traveling and especially through the humaness that makes up family. I think Disney was so magical for me because while I have had wonderful family vacations with my own husband and children, this was a trip I had been on as a child that held less than magical memories. Kinda like Christmas and holidays. Momma often talks about the wonderful family get togethers we had and here I remember anything but joy. I remember her anger and disappointment and there is still the running family joke of who will get blamed for ruining the current family holiday or event for her. Rachel took Christmas this year. ; )
Disney was a good replay; like a do-over that was a lovely reminder that the past does not determine my present or future. Alas, the holidays still have parts of the past chained to them. I try to learn that it is my choice in how I react to those parts. My emotions and scars just still rule me more than I care to admit. Thanks to my Savior, I can try again tomorrow to honor Him and allow Love to reign in my life. That is what I'm talkin about.

He Speaks to me

While I SOO want to blog about the magical wonder that is Disney and the most incredible time we had, I have to say this first. Church Sunday was preached by Pricilla Shire. I have only done one bible study of hers but it was FAB. Church Sunday was FABULOUS. She taught that if you are a Christian, God will speak to you. He will. That is Truth. We need to accept that for what it is.

So yesterday I had some great things happen, mainly I prayed and asked for at least $200 in TS orders and I got right at $1000. Today I woke up not knowing how I was going to accomplish my TO DO list. I had to find the time and money to go to the post office and mail a bunch of stuff and possibly give up my weekend to hand deliver some stuff to Lake Charles (only 3 hours away). Rachel called and asked if she could give me my weekend back by asking mom to bring the girls and stuff to LC without me (YES!!!-well, almost. Have not heard from mom yet). Also, I found enough cards, card sized gifts and a TON of stamps so all I had to do was brave Hwy 73 and put the stuff all ready to go in the mail box. Also, I had on my list to go buy some stuff for Avery's class (more time and money) and got an early morning email saying I did not have to, some one else took care of it for me. AND THEN! I brought Em's blanket to get monogramed and they said Thursday it would be ready but called today to say it was done!! AND I have time to go get it because of all the other places I do NOT have to go. That's what I'm talkin' bout BABY!!!

Shoppin for a hooker

I love my church. I attend a Moms bible study which is geared towards stay at home moms and their young children. Today was so awesome. A lot better than usual in my opinion. A woman who does inner city outreach shared about the things she does with the homeless, with the dealers, with the strippers and the hookers. She gave us suburban middle classed have enough money that we dont have to work dressed in our trendy fashions latte sippin moms an insight into her world and invited us to join her on whatever level we wanted to. Our origional plans for the next time we met was to bring a pair of earings or a bracelet to do a gift swap with each other but after hearing this woman talk about how touched these women she encountered are to get the smallest gift, we decided to step it up and give all the gifts to the strippers and hookers. I Love my life and want the steril safe environment I created to stay intact on a lot of days. I would love my daughters to not know the ugly side of life and often I am too tired and overwhelmed with the Others in my life to look across the street to the person in the ditch. When I see them, then I have the pressure of reaching and streatching some more and I admit most days I just would rather avoid all that.

Now I have had a heart for strippers for a long time and wanted to get involved with the out reach to them. I plan to try to make the next outreach on December 21st but when I got home Kenneth said he wanted to go get a pair of shoes and some shirts. I got pumped and told him I was coming because I needed to get a Christmas present for a hooker!

Bless his heart, he tries to understand me. He thought the stuff I bought was too hookerish and I should get them something more modest but I think I did good. I also spent a bit extra on a lovely velvet gift box. He asked who the gift box was for and when I told him the hooker he tried to stop me but after 10 years together, he reconizes unstoppable passion in me when he sees it. I need my boat rocked sometimes. I need to see that the more I stretch the farther I can reach. I have to face the ugly to appreciate the Beauty.

God has given me so much beauty for ashes and pulled me out of so much ugly and I KNOW He did not do that for me to just settle into comfort and a world of nice. He did it so I can shine my light to someone like who I was so they can become the trend wearing latte drinking girl I have become. I do often feel like I am uncomfortable in my skin and while I know I have issues to work out I also think that can be the itch of comfort. We think comfort is good but I think it is deceptive. Was Jesus ever comfortable? Then why should I strive for that to be the norm. God knows my hooker's name. I pray she experiences the love of Christ. Tonight as it dips into the mid 40s and when she gets my pretty velvet box. That's what I'm talkin bout, baby.

Last Week before the Secret Reveal!

So last night I went shopping and spent some of the funnest money EVER! My origional intentions were for new kicks for myself (I do not own tennis but felt I needed some for the Disney trip) and the annual PJs for the girls' Christmas tradition. This year I thought I would do them with a twist.

It is important to Kenneth and I to have some annual traditions and one of them for Christmas is new PJs for the girls. With the surprize Disney trip just over a week away I came up with the idea to get the PJs early, get Disney ones and pack them to give the first night of the Disney stay. Well, there I was with money, shopping on the brain, the trip a week away and mounting excitement, not to mention Sale signs, and my ideas kept growing. I bought 2 additional outfits for each girl plus some Disney attire for my self. And after looking at hundreds of pairs of shoes and trying on a dozen pairs AND talking with quite a few over zealous sales people, I FINALLY found some new kicks I liked so much, I bought it in 2 colors!

I was so excited I came home and put the girls to bed as fast as I could so I could start packing! Then this morning I realized I needed some stuff I packed already. But I am super stoked!

So tomorrow is Monday and we just have to get through the entire week (which is pretty full!) and the Secret will be REVEALED!!! Om my gosh so many times I went to say when we got to Disney... or when we get back from Disney... or HEY GIRLS LETS GO TO DISNEY!!!

The plan is to wake them Monday and say time for school. Go get in mama and daddy's bed and I will bring you your clothes. I bring in the Disney outfits and when they say ANYTHING we will start screaming at them LET'S GO TO DISNEY!!! On an AIRPLANE no less!!! This is gonna be so stinkin fun!

I gotta go make a buncha lists. Oh my gosh, so close! THATS WHAT IM TALKIN BOUT BABY!!!!

9 years

Today is November 20th, 2007. I married my husband 9 years ago, just 3 months after our baby girl died. I often realize what a good husband Kenneth has been to me despite our rough start. He did not have to stay with me for the first baby, or after we lost her and had nothing commiting us to each other. He has worked hard and despites his faults, has provided extreemly well for me and our girls all this time. I am not always good to him. I have often been horribly disrespectful to him. I do not often support him, but he loves me and shows me and continues to try to do right by me. I love him more, and even better, I like him more the longer we are together. He makes me laugh. He melts my heart. He is a gift from God to me.

I have to admit our Anniversary did not start too great. We both hate to wait with gifts and want to give them right away so we exchanged gifts last night. I did not like mine and he did not like his. I was even upset because I thought to myself, 'I gave the man a list of what I want and I already HAVE what he bought me (if you know Kenneth, no surprize, he got me the upgrade) and I love what I have and just because HE thinks I need an upgrade, it does not do what the old one does that I love and how can he do this to me WHINE WHINE WHINE!

But I decided to wake up today and just be glad about the gift of 9 years of marriage to a man I still love. I went got him a cheesecake and told him Happy Anniversary and asked for a gift of him cleaning the stove (a job he does not mind as far as actual work not on the computer goes and one I loath). He may or may not do it but I am ok with that. I am, however a little sensitive to the fact that both my mom and his mom called and did not mention what today is. I still feel my mom does not support my marriage (she was so against it in the beginning) but I think my main issue today is Ned was the one who NEVER forgot our anniversary. I could count on her to remember when no one else did and she is not here. I was very blessed in a bunch of tiny ways today even though I woke up with a 'the whole world is against me and its not fair' attitude. How like Jesus is it to kill me with kindness. So Happy Anniversary to me. There will be many more. That's what I'm talkin about. Baby.

Fwds

I must admit I am usually annoyed beyond belief at stupid Fwd emails about send this prayer to 10 people or your house will burn down or send to all your friends and the one who sent it to you so you can see how many people love you and my BIGGEST pet peve is the well intentioned ones sending me the latest warning about cleaning products, scams and other ways people have come up with to ruin my life. There are MANY websites people, to check the validity of this stuff! Google it even! Here is one for you on the off chance one of you suckers takes the time out of your life from saving the day of the common stay at home moms to read my blog: www.snopes.com. Please. For the love of all that is good and holy, do not send me crap out of the concern overflowing out of your heart for me without taking a nanosecond to find out if it is true or not. And since you had the guts to read this I will just tell you the truth; it makes you look stupid. Bless your little heart.

That said, I got a Fwd today and rolled my eyes but I opened it on the off chance the sender had included a personal note to me. She had not by the way. I did, however find a nugget. Maybe more than that even. This could almost be catagorized as a 6 peice nugget value meal. Supersized would be pushing it but I thought it worth posting here. It was titled:
I Am Invisible

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, "Can't you see I'm on the phone?" Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.

I'm invisible. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, "What time is it?" I'm a satellite guide to answer, "What number is the Disney Channel?" I'm acre to order, "Right around 5:30, please."I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going... she's going... she's gone!

One night a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, "I brought you this."

It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: "To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees."

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:
(1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.
(2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.
(3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.
(4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, "Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it." And the workman replied, "Because God sees."

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, "I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become."

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table." That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, "You're gonna love it there."As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

THATS what Im talkin bout baby.

That time of year

In the past, I go fetal around mid-October. I guess this year I have been too busy to fall apart. I feel bounced between the thoughts of Peace and War, Rest and Work, Life and Death. It seems this year those themes are amped in my life. It has been almost one year since the day Ned was diagnosed with cancer (Nov. 17th). Two new babies have been born into our family (Ned's daughter and son each had a baby in late October). I have my annual loss exhibit in November and annual memorial service in December. I have felt slammed by battles in my mind over things I thought were part of my past, not my present. I feel no repreave from Death and this time of year, I seem to be surrounded by it. I know it is part of my calling, my ministry, but it feels too heavy sometimes. Out of balance.

I have always heard the saying 'Little kids, little problems; big kids, big problems'. I am starting to live it. My girls are growing up and getting, well, big. I can no longer keep them under my wing. I have no choice but to allow them to venture out in the world where the devil roams around like a lion looking for someone to devour. I feel so little confidence in how I have prepaired and equiped them. I feel devoured some days myself; hardly able to survive my own wars, much less fight someone elses.

My tank feels empty often and instead of turning to my Source, I just get pissed and spew venom. Like that will help. Things are not all bad, like I said, I am not balled up in the fetal position not willing to open my eyes and face the day, I just feel emotional, drained, isolated and alone. I need to be touched and talked to and it would be nice for someone to walk along side me. Jesus is there. I want Him to be enough and I am mad at myself that I will not let Him be. I mean, when He tells me to do something and I refuse, I know who's fault that is. I just feel so vurnarable and sensitive. I feel confused. I do not seem to know where the line is between the Proverbs woman who never seems to sleep and David who rests in the Shadow of the Almighty and is willing to be still and know, even in the face of turmoil.

I want to live the Word. I want to be equiped by the Word, I want to show God my love by obeying His Word. Now to decide if I should do that after I finish the laundry or if I should get to bed before it is tomorrow already. That's what Im talkin about.

Backwards Period

Now that my period is over my face is all broken out, I have cramps and I am fighting depression so bad I have to force myself to shower and brush my teeth. Kenneth is on turn around. He works every night until it is over. He comes home and wakes everyone up before the alarm then goes to sleep. He then gets up about an hour and a half before he needs to go to work again. Thank GOD I am not a single mother or that things are not always like this. I am a wreck.

Usually I have enough anger to fuel me. I have enough fight in me to keep on keepin on. I can keep going, I just do not want to as much. I want the house to be clean, I want chocolate, I want to not care about what the chocolate does to my ass, I want good sex, I want ANY sex, I want to feel somebody is on my side, I want my own room, I want someone to say 'God bless you' when I sneeze, I want to weigh 10 pounds less, I want to not be in debt, I want to never pay late fees, I want to not have to be responsible, I want to ride a motorcycle, I want another tattoo, I want to drink, I want to do drugs, I want to be so satisfied with Jesus, I do not need sex, chocolate or a God bless you. Hmm. I want the Rapture. I want Peace. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.

Body Talk and Football

My oldest daughter turned 8 yesterday. I just found out more changes occur between the ages of 8-13 in girls than in the first 12 months of life when we go from a tiny helpless newborn to a fat toddeling one year old. I also learned that your feet grow faster than any other body part so they reach full size first. I bought myself books, my daughter books, read every article I notice on the topic, listen to every radio or tv teaching on this type of stuff and I can. not. believe. I am living it. When I was pregnant for Avery I went to a parenting class. When I learned it was a girl I narrowed my field of study. I think I was so worried I would be too scared to do things like have 'the talk' and answer questions and properly educate that I went over board with it all. I am no longer fearful of dealing with this type of stuff (periods, bras, body hair, boys, sex, etc) I am just finding myself a tad bewildered that I am living in this world already. Like I have been preping for 8 years or more and am just taken aback to find myself here. It is almost not even a big deal. It is just life. Our world. The Norm.

I often find myself feeling like day after day just slips by so fast I hardly have time to catch my breath but I still did not acknowledge my children were growing up before my eyes faster than I could blink twice. It is not scary. It is even kind of beautiful in a bizare sort of way. I just want so badly to VALUE my time as Mother to my girls. I need to slow down and be intentional about what matters and not sweat the small stuff more often.

THAT brings me to football. While I am very aware that my opinions and lack of restrainment often hurts and offends others, this is my blog so put your big girl (or big boy) panties on if you want to know what I think. Can some people please grow the hell up and stop investing so much into something that counts for NOTHING!! I am just so sick of people getting so bent out of shape about something that will not last into the eternal. Now before you think I am talking to you, understand it also pisses me off what athletes get paid. People want to bitch and moan that my Pastor and many other Godly people I support live a NOT simple life and spend money on non-necessities when they can give MORE to the poor (because they are already giving a butt load away) and should live a more simple ie poor lifestyle or their preaching will fall on deaf ears. Give me a fliping break and try spending as much time seeking the Lord as the money spending people of God and THEN come tell me you think they are wrong to spend the way they do. And then set your salvation aside and go watch a football game. I see the log in my eye. I do. I just feel like I am consistant. I am what I am and while I may appologize to you about it, I do not really mean it. I really think you need to get over your self. You do not have to like me. I will see you in heaven anyway. I am greatful for the awesome friends I have. The ones who allow me to be me and accept me as I am. They never have to agree with me but they do not ask me to not be me. To the rest of you? I say God bless you out loud with a smile on my face. The Word tells me to try my best to get along with everyone and live in peace as much as it is up to me(Romans 12:18). I will fake it till I make it. That's what Im talkin bout baby.

Do you want to be FREE?

Set Me Free ------Casting Crowns
It hasn't always been this way
I remember brighter days
Before the dark ones came
Stole my mind
Wrapped my soul in chains
Now I live among the dead
Fighting voices in my head
Hoping someone hears me crying in the night
And carries me away
Chorus: Set me free of the chains holding me
Is anybody out there hearing me?
Set me free

Morning breaks another day
Finds me crying in the rain
All alone with my demons I am
Who is this man that comes my way?
The dark ones shriek
They scream His name
Is this the One they say will set the captives free?
Jesus, rescue me

Chorus

As the God man passes by
He looks straight through my lies
The darkness cannot hide
Do you want to be free?
Lift your chains, I hold the key
All Power on Heaven and earth belong to me

You are free
You are free
You are free

I think this song touches me so deep because I still fight some lies from my dark days. I still remember the smells and the taste of the death I walked in. My stomach churns remembering the rich sweetness of sin in my mouth and the vile bitterness of it in my stomach. I still fight to stay free. I am forever greatful He heard me crying in the night.

You are not Alone

I was asked to share the story of how my ministry Angels Among Us came about in a national newsletter. It is always emotional compiling thoughts on my grief journey and I struggle with putting over 9 years of life into words. It smells like the color nine but here is what I got.

You are not Alone

After a perfectly normal, healthy pregnancy, I delivered the 1st of my 4 daughters on August 2, 1998. My intro into motherhood, however, was anything but perfectly normal and healthy. My 1st daughter was stillborn. Looking back at my experience, I believe the hospital staff was trying to help me by giving me space and not coming in my room much. Not even the professionals seemed to know what to do. I had a doctor walk into my room and inform me not to ask any questions because she had no answers for me. It was just ‘one of those things’. I was even discharged before I got to take a bath so I would not have to stay in the same place as other recovering mothers. I remember the wheelchair ride through the hospital to our car when I was discharged. I was sure every person we passed looked at me and thought, “What a failure.”

I went home and dealt with the aftermath of a full term pregnancy, labor and delivery, but without my baby. I felt confused and isolated. I had no idea who or what I was anymore. I had had a baby but no one seemed to want to acknowledge that. Was I a mother to the daughter I named Rya? Why did everyone seem to want to pretend she had never exsisted? Physically I had all the signs I had just delivered a baby, yet I was alone.

The barrage of emotions I faced were so forceful and intense there is no way I can put them down in black and white. While my family and friends cared about me and wanted to help, they did not understand at all what I was going through. I understand now their intentions were right but more often than not they just caused me to feel more pain and isolation. The common theme seemed to be ‘forget about what happened and move on’. I would have loved to move on from the most painful experience of my life and not continue to feel so crushed and ruined. It was just not an option for me no matter how hard I tried.

I actually thought I was going crazy and that something was wrong with me because I loved my daughter so much and could not get over her death after a month. I was becoming more and more confused and isolated and could not find anyone who understood me at all. I heard about a local support group and forced myself to go out of desperation. The relief I found was so overwhelming I actually cried myself sick. These women actually understood me AND I was not crazy! That support group truly became a lifeline to me. I was offered a platform to express how I honestly felt without the subject being changed or something hurtful or inappropriate being said to me. My healing had begun and I was no longer alone.

As God grew me spiritually and helped me move through my grief, He also opened my eyes to the opportunity to minister His Love and Healing to others. 2 Corinthians 1:4 says God comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. It became so important to me to let others mothers who had lost a baby know they were not alone. Out of the local support group I attended, some of the mothers formed an organization that offered additional pregnancy and infant loss support in various ways. I began volunteering to help this group and found a new level of healing that comes with reaching out to and helping others.

Not long after I got involved with this group that brought me so much comfort in the year following Rya’s death, they decided to move out of state. I felt I had to do something for our area to keep other mothers from feeling that extreme isolation I felt that first month after my loss. I needed a way to let other mothers know they were not alone. I took a few ideas from the organization that helped me so much and made them my own and formed Angels Among Us. One of my favorite ideas was donating teddy bears to local hospitals to give to mothers who had just lost a baby. The idea really touched my heart and it became my mission to get a teddy bear into the empty arms of as many mothers who had lost their babies as possible. I also re-wrote a grief information packet with many articles on topics I had faced on my own grief journey. I included information I wish had been available to me during the first days of my loss that could have guided me in a more healthy direction.

I am not a professional, but I am powered by the Holy Spirit. I have no training to back what I do, but I have lived through loss. I have experienced the devastating loss of my baby and have done more than survive. I have walked out Romans 8:28 which says ‘all things work together for our good for those who love God and are called according to His purposes’. I have peace; I have joy and I no longer feel alone. My God has said He will never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5) and I need to help mothers who have lost their baby discover this Truth. I do this through Angels Among Us with these sweet little teddy bears I found to donate. I attach a tag to each bear that says Galatians 6:2 Bear One Another’s Burdens and also has In Memory of…a baby that was lost to miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death. This enables those who have lost a baby to do something positive in memory of their baby and reach out to other families going through the same thing. It is my way of saying to mothers facing a pregnancy or infant loss, "You are not alone".

Seeking my Call

Church this weekend was...Powerful. Like make you want to vomit and thankful for it, power. John Bevere spoke. I am a fan of he and his wife and most of his messages are Pepto material. Mr. Bevere issued a challange to my church, to me this weekend that really shook things up. My friends that heard the message before me warned me. It was all the buzz. When I heard it, it still was a hard hit to the gut but I PRAY the Words spoken are imbedded in my heart.

Ok, it was about Eternal rewards. We can be saved and get the big rewards or get nothing. This to me is not about the rewards. I have been without Christ. Better is ONE DAY in His Courts than thousands elsewhere! The thought that I let my God, my Father down by not living my call seems too much to bear. The thought that because of me refusing to die to my rotting flesh, a soul (or numerous souls) would have eternal damnation is too heavy. Now I know my God; He will find someone else to do my job if I do not step up and the lost will be witnessed to. He is Fair and Just and He will not come back till all have had their chance. But how much more effective is the first choice? If I were choosing a babysitter for my children and had to go with my 3rd choice because 1 and 2 did not come through, what then? I will not be as happy, my children not as happy and there is a..ripple, if you will, that changes the course of things. Maybe not a life altering change, but maybe. The way we were going had to be altered some and is no longer as pure, as right, as..The Way.

This all makes sense in my head. God created me with a purpose, with a direction He wanted me to go. The main thing is to get there but like the children of Isreal that were brought out of Egypt by Moses, do I really want to be known as the daughter that, for simple refusal to listen to SomeOne Who knows better, wandered the wilderness for 40 years before reaching the finish line? Eternal perspective should be a no brainer! Like the Promise Land I guess. Hmm let's see, do we want slavery and oppression or freedom with milk and honey?

Lord, You made me; You created me. Now give me the sense to follow Your commands. Ps 119:73. I want to honor my God by living my call out of adoration for Him. My love for Him is beyond words, but it is NOT beyond actions! It seems so stupid to ever focus on my circumstances. An eternal perspective makes much more sense. So what is with all the sand and cactus in my views?

I do not care about the rewards as much as I need to love Jesus. How can I love Him? John 14:15 If you love Me, obey My commandments.

Worship equals obediance. My reward is my Father in heaven being aware of my love for Him. The Word says if I seek God, I will find Him. (1 Ch 28:9) Plus He gave me the best roadmap! That's what I'm talking bout baby!

Pepto

Yesterday was a Pepto day. I talked to lots of my girlfriends who cried as they sent their little ones off to school. Instead of some sweet mama tears I am stinkin up the bathroom with direaha and drinking Pepto straight out the bottle hoping not to vomit. Why I gotta be so gross?!? Then my OBGYN office calls to say they have booked my Hysteroctomy for January 16th. So I have to get up off the couch where I am laying with my pants unzipped with my plastic trash can 'just in case' and an ice pack on my head to take that call. And if giving up my uterous is not hard enough, I will be getting breast implants also. I feel my reasons are honorable. I will go to a C to balance my body. We spent much more on remodeling the house with things that were not 'necessary'. It seems the decission should not be that tough. So why am I more scared of breast than terrorist?

While many women may buy clothes to enhance their larger bust I keep looking at bigger stuff to make sure 'no one thinks I am trying to be a whore'. As a wife, a mother and a Christian, I never know what to do when I am hit on in public. It is only when I am not with my husband or girls but keeping them with me does not seem to be an option. While I am so flattered to still have men find me attractive after 4 children and almost 9 years of marriage, it sends terror through my soul when it happens. And at the same time I crave it. Could it really be simple? Could it all just boil down to my past where I only seemed valued for my looks? It is hard to explain and I have not found many people who understand, but while I know I possess physical beauty, I usually feel it is more of a curse than a blessing. I have wished too many times to be scarred or disfigured but at the same time, I now have freedom in Christ.

Freedom to get boobs? That's what I'm talkin bout Baby!

Happy Birthday Baby.

Nine years ago today I delivered my first baby. My first daughter. She was tiny and she was silent. I was only 3 weeks away from being full term but she died before she was born. Rya has taught me much. Her life and death have not only impacted my life, but the lives of many. Romans 8:28 And we know all things work together for our good for those who love God and are called according to His purposes. That's what I'm talking about baby.

One Touch (Press)

from Sharecropper's Seed Vol. 1
Nicole C. Mullen

Been ostracized for 12 years
I'm used to being alone
Spent everything I had and now it's gone.
I'm used to being put down
my issues tell it all
My only Hope is ancored in this fall

If I could just touch the hem of His garment
I know I'd be made whole
If I could just press my way through this maddness
His love would heal my soul
If only one touch...

So many people calling
How could He ever know
That just a brush of Him would stop the flow
If He knew would He rebuke me or shame me to the crowd
well, I am desperate cause it is never or it is now

Suddenly He turned around
He said somebody has unleashed My power
Well, frightened and embarrased I bowed
you see I told Him of my troubles and how

I had to touch the hem of His garment
and I know I've been made whole
and how I had pressed my way through the maddness and His love had healed my soul

Then with one word He touched the hem of my garment
and you know I've been made whole
And somehow He pressed His way through my maddness
and His love has healed my soul

I tell you He touched me
He reached way down and touched me
when no one else would touch me
Jesus sho nough He touched me
and I know I've been made whole.

Funeral Arrangements

I want the following songs played and I think I want to be creamated like my baby girl. After that, do what you will but do not worry about me. Just make sure you join me one day.

It is Well

IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,It is well, with my soul,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
It is well, with my soul,It is well, with my soul,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
It is well, with my soul,It is well, with my soul,It is well, it is well, with my soul.
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,It is well, with my soul,It is well, it is well, with my soul.

In You by Mercy Me
"In You"
I put my hope in You
I lay my life in palm of your hand
I'm constantly drawn to You Lord
In ways I cannot comprehend
It's the Creator calling the created
The Maker beckoning the made
The bride finding what she's always waited for
When we find ourselves that day
[CHORUS:]In You where the hungry feast at the table
The blind frozen by colors in view
The lame will dance, They'll dance for they are able
And the weary find rest Oh the weary find rest in You
It's no secret that we don't belong here
Those set apart by the grace of You
And we look for the day when we go to a place
Where the old becomes brand new

Definition

Ultimately, we are what we do every day. What defines us is not one large good intention to be a good person, or parent—it's a hundred thousand ongoing choices of every size that arise when we're tired, satisfied, distracted, full of ourselves, threatened, happy, reactionary, sentimental, hurried, bored …

Just because I will no longer be able to bear children after my partial hysterectomy does not change who I am in my day to day life. I sometimes live life in the 'if onlys'. If only I had help with my responsibilities, if only the children were older, if only we had more money, if only we had less debt, if only I had one more daughter, if only Rya had not died, if only things were different.

That is no good. Not for me or anybody in my life. I have a choice every day, every hour, every minute. I can choose life or I can choose death. I can choose light or I can choose darkness. It is time I stop letting my circumstances define me. I need to start defining my circumstances instead. That is what Im talkin bout baby.

7 Books

I do this alot. I decided to make a list of all the books I am reading. There are 7. I never thought of myself as someone who starts but never finishes things. I more think I am an all or nothing person. Guess I am wrong.

The 7 are: Love & Respect
Voyage of the Dawn Treader
With All Their Hearts
Proverbs (that counts, right? A chapter a day plus 31:10-31 daily for me and my friends)
Praying God's Word Day by Day
6 Hours One Friday
and the one I want to talk about today;
Hannah's Hope by Jennifer Saake.

Under the title on the book it says, "Seeking God's Heart in the midst of infertility, miscarriage and adoption loss". I am only 38 pages in but I find it a wonderful resource and have already recommended it to someone else. It is one of those books that helps you put words to something you have felt for nearly a decade but could not quite figure how to say out loud. It is also a book that will force you to face yourself in the light of God's Truth. That can hurt but in that good cleansing way like a good cry.

I have found myself in a situation where I am judging the parenting abilities of others and am thinking myself the better parent and it is causing me heartache. Perhaps simply from being out of God's will from my sin. Perhaps because I am having to face some truths about myself I have been in denial about for so long I convinced myself I was right and God's Word did not apply to my circumstances.

I take it to deep heart when I feel a child is being mistreated or neglected or even not reconized as the gift they are. While some of my emotions are righteous anger many more are rooted in prideful envy. That is NOT plesant to know. It is NOT easy or fun to say outloud, 'I feel I know better than God', but that is the truth. I want to call Him to account for decisions that make no sense to me from my limited perspective. I want to look at my current circumstances and accuse God of making a mistake when I am only privy to the view of one peice of a 1000 in the puzzle. I feel I am owed something, acknowledgement, reward, payment, a seat at His right Hand or at least an explanation, yet He owes me NOTHING.

God perfectly orchestrates the necessary timing for each new life to fulfill the plans HE ordains. My opinions on who deserves children and how many and who does not are not vaild. I want to understand my being denied the gift of a child can work the same purpose as the woman who faces the trial of a child. What hurts me not to have may hurt her to have and both can be used to fulfill His purpose and plan. In both, heartache must come first.

I want to trust my Savior and His Word. I want to relinquish the desire for control in not only my children's lives but in others lives as well. I just need my heartache to result in God's Glory. That is what I'm talking about, Baby.

To unreconized Mothers

Every one is different. We all have different circumstances when it come to our angel babies. Why and how they died is different. How we grieve is different. The hardest day for you will be different from my hardest day. Mine is Mother's Day, by the way. Our babies were individuals, we are individual and our grief will be individual; but there is something we have in common. We are all Mothers (and Daddies but this is about this weekend).
I wonder if Mother's Day grieves me so because now that I have been blessed with babies after my loss, I have experienced all sides of Mother's Day. There was the one I was pregnant with the daughter I lost. It was my first baby so while I was acknowledged, all parents with living children knew I was so clueless as to what it was like because I was not really a mother yet.
The next Mother's Day, I had delivered Rya. She was dead so those who did not know about her assumed I was not a mother and those who did know about her tip toed around on eggshells making sure not to remind me I had had a baby because that might upset me. I stood by in silent rage while 'mothers' were acknowledged and I realized I was truely an outsider, not fitting any catagory from even the most expansive Hallmark isle.
The next Mother's Day experience was probablly the hardest for me. I had my prize. The baby I had dreamed about since childhood. The physicial evidence of all I ever wanted to be. The grief hit me so hard that year I could hardly stand to my feet as the call to reconize mothers was made in church. I clutched the baby I refused to put down that day and sobbed at the memories of the fight I had come through to be allowed to stand up in church that year. Again I raged, not so silently this time.
There was the Mother's Day I had a newborn and for the first Sunday since delivery was able to wear non-maternaty clothes. A family member was holding the new baby and the toddler was in her little nursery class and as I stood in church that year, a sweet gentleman standing next to me patted my arm and said "Happy Mother's Day to moms-to-be, also". I smiled at him and wondered how it was that once again I felt like I was recieving the concellation prize. The Thanks-for-showing-up-with-your-best-effort-but-you-just-do-not-make-the-grade trophy.
Was I just being overly sensitive and emotional? Did I have unresolved issues or a bitter outlook at life due to the hand I was dealt? Maybe. But then I have had the Mother's Day experiences where I look around at the faces of the women who do not stand at the call to reconize Mothers and I have seen the grief, the loss, the looks that say 'I do not fit anywhere'. There have been the Mother's Days where I could not get the numerous stories of baby loss out of my head. All I could think of were the mothers who had called or emailed and shared with me the gut wrenching pain I was so familiar with. I have had idealystic picture perfect Mother's Day celebrations by the normal standards until I counted heads and felt I had been sucker punched when my count was one short.
I have been around the Mother's Day block and if it were up to me, there would be a Hallmark isle for us, there would be the opportunity to stand without the option of judgement and opinions of how we need to get over it. There would be the grace to express the love and loss. I am working on it. From my little corner of the world, I am doing what I can. For now that may be little more than a prayer and an unread post saying I RECONIZE YOU, MOTHER! I continue my mission to give teddy bears and grief packets to MOTHERS and I continue to remember your baby and mine.
You are not forgotten this year, this Mother's Day. Not only do I remember you, but our Heavenly Father does also. He understands. Seek His face and hear Him call you to stand as He reconizes you for who you are; Mother to one of His precious children. Happy Mother's Day.