I am 3 days away from my surgery which I have been waiting for since May or June from last year and now I am fighting a cold and face snot stopping me! SNOT! I will be better by Wednesday. I WILL! I am knee deep every day in God's Word and the bible says Jesus sent forth His Word and HEALED them (Ps 107:20). Proverbs 4:21-22 says God's Word will penetrate deep within my heart and bring me life & radient health. I will be in RADIENT HEALTH on Wednesday! In Jesus' Name!
On a so very sweet note, I called my father-in-law and expressed concern over not having anything more than a mattress on the floor for company to sleep in while staying here to care for me and the girls during my recovery. I knew there was a bed upstairs but my husband was not that interested in putting it up. So Dad (I am trying to call them Mom and Dad) came over and looked at what we have. He also looked in my fridge and freezer and I was not sure what for. He leaves to go get what was needed for the bed and that was great! I mean, he was going to do whatever was needed to meet my needs (which were really more in the wants than needs). So he calls me from Sams and says 'You do not have enough in your fridge and freezer, tell me what yall eat so I can buy it for yall.'
No one has ever looked at my food and expressed concern over whether I have enough or not. I am not trying to say my parents or other loved ones never tried to meet my needs but this is more than I am used to. I can get so overwhelmed by the concern and care Kenneth's parents show me. I love them so much and it is not about the amount of money they spend on me. It has more to do with how they give to me with no alterior motive. I have never felt in debted to them or like I owed them anything in return. I feel like they want to help me. Not something I am used to.
Thank You Jesus for my family. Help me to love them and modle Christ to them. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Eating
With only 5 days left I have had to eat some. A piece of bread and half a plain pancake yesterday, today crackers and spinach and mushrooms. I was just at the point where I was about to buy a WalMart red velvet cake and consume it. I feel like avoiding certain things such as sugar, desserty things, even meat, will still be a sacrifice, but I am just getting to a point that I am not sure I should be. Grouchy, weak, wanting to avoid the girls and stay in bed and sleep or worse, watch tv.
The worse part is my clothes fit again. I mean, that is GREAT. But that should not be the great-est. I have enjoyed God's Word and making more time with Him. I just seem more excited about my pants. Maybe not but I just want so bad to have a right heart. I mean that is why I wanted to do this. To have a right heart. I will seek the Lord until I find Him. Again and again and again! That's what I'm talkin bout BABY!
The worse part is my clothes fit again. I mean, that is GREAT. But that should not be the great-est. I have enjoyed God's Word and making more time with Him. I just seem more excited about my pants. Maybe not but I just want so bad to have a right heart. I mean that is why I wanted to do this. To have a right heart. I will seek the Lord until I find Him. Again and again and again! That's what I'm talkin bout BABY!
Saturday, January 19, 2008
testimony part 2
I was seeing a guy in Florida so I packed my car up and headed to Florida to look for a job and place to live. I had been there a few weeks and my brother told me he was going home for the summer. He had been in collage in Mississippi. As much as I thought I would never go back to Prairieville, all I wanted was to go home so with my car still packed, I headed home for what I thought would be a long weekend.
My siblings and I had such a good time, I wound up staying. I even took a job that was to last a few weeks. I still intended on going back to Florida mainly for the beach, not the guy. But for now I was having fun. Then on June 13th, I got a phone call that my brother had been in an accident. He was dead at 19. My brother was everybody's favorite and loved life and had so much going for him. I was SO angry it was him and not me. Alcohol was no longer enough to deal with this kind of pain.
I sent for the things I had left in Florida knowing I once again had to step up and take responsibility for my family here. I took a job in a local club as a stripper and when drugs were offered, this time I had no reason to refuse. My pit just kept getting deeper. One night after a shift at the club, a co worker and I went out looking for our drug of choice. The dealer we found liked me and gave us a deal. He also started coming to the club I worked at and soon we hooked up. I had a regular that spent lots of money at the club I worked for and one night he was a little annoyed I was not drinking enough. I never drank much if at all while working but that was not good for the club because they made money off men buying me drinks. I was given a hard time and figured what was the harm in a few drinks so I gave in. They got me so drunk I did not even protest when the customer wanted to take me home. We did so much coke that night I remember being awake for days trying to come down. I was so mad the club sent me home with this guy! That was supposed to be against policy. I was told if the customer pays enough, they would let them do whatever they wanted. I quit that day.
I also decided I needed to sober up because I was way more out of control than I wanted to be. I even decided to get a more respectable job, even if it meant min. wage. 2 weeks later I had another kink in my plan. I was pregnant. I was so thrilled! I had always wanted children and now I had a reason to stay sober and I immedeitly told God I was sorry and I would be good and thank you for my baby. For the first time, I had a reason to live. Not an easy one though. I was not married and the baby was for a black man. Every single person in my family except my 16 year old sister disowned me. I lost my min. wage job because I had no medical coverage to see a Dr. and you have to get a Dr.s approval to work during pregnancy. Kenneth was not able to work because his withdrawl was severe and lasted for months. I did not know what else to do so I took over his job and became a drug dealer.
I also started going back to church. I went back to the one that kicked me out. I did not know where else to go. Determined to do things right for my child, I began volunteering and eventually was put in charge of one of the church ministries and was even offered a staff position. Once Kenneth was able, he began working, like me starting at min. wage and slowly working his way up. We were trying to do what was right and do the family thing and while every day was a struggle, life seemed good.
On August 2nd, I delivered our first daughter. She was stillborn. No reason was ever found for why after a normal, healthy pregnancy, our baby had died. Out of all the hard, dark times I had been through in my life, nothing came close to touching the intensity of the pain I felt from losing my daughter. I feel like I actually shattered. But this time I did NOT run from God.
Kenneth and I eventually married and got pregnant again. I also got kicked out of church again. Same reason, questioning doctrine. I had met a woman at a pg. & infant loss support group and we became best friends. We spent a lot of time together because we both had lost babies and understood each other and one day she invited me to a bible study. I went because I was so broken I was desperate for ANYthing to hold on to. I was pregnant again and when I walked into the bible study, the teacher sees my belly and says, "Oh, todays lesson is just for you!". It was about how sometimes you have to go through labor but the results, like having a baby, make it all worth the struggle. I was so stinkin mad! After the bible study was over I found out when and where they were meeting again and told them I would be back. I planned to go back so I could prove that woman wrong. She obviously had no idea what she was talking about. The second time I went, I do not remember what the lesson was on but hearing the Word of God had done something to me and I was told about having a personal relationship with Christ and that was it. I took hold of my Jesus' Hand and I have not let go since. I was delivered from alcohol when my oldest daughter was about a year old and I even started dancing again while pregnant for my 4th daughter. Only now, I do it for my Savior and realize my beauty is simply a reflection of Him.
Jesus said in John 12:24 unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. It is never easy to experience death, but with Christ, it is always worth it.
My siblings and I had such a good time, I wound up staying. I even took a job that was to last a few weeks. I still intended on going back to Florida mainly for the beach, not the guy. But for now I was having fun. Then on June 13th, I got a phone call that my brother had been in an accident. He was dead at 19. My brother was everybody's favorite and loved life and had so much going for him. I was SO angry it was him and not me. Alcohol was no longer enough to deal with this kind of pain.
I sent for the things I had left in Florida knowing I once again had to step up and take responsibility for my family here. I took a job in a local club as a stripper and when drugs were offered, this time I had no reason to refuse. My pit just kept getting deeper. One night after a shift at the club, a co worker and I went out looking for our drug of choice. The dealer we found liked me and gave us a deal. He also started coming to the club I worked at and soon we hooked up. I had a regular that spent lots of money at the club I worked for and one night he was a little annoyed I was not drinking enough. I never drank much if at all while working but that was not good for the club because they made money off men buying me drinks. I was given a hard time and figured what was the harm in a few drinks so I gave in. They got me so drunk I did not even protest when the customer wanted to take me home. We did so much coke that night I remember being awake for days trying to come down. I was so mad the club sent me home with this guy! That was supposed to be against policy. I was told if the customer pays enough, they would let them do whatever they wanted. I quit that day.
I also decided I needed to sober up because I was way more out of control than I wanted to be. I even decided to get a more respectable job, even if it meant min. wage. 2 weeks later I had another kink in my plan. I was pregnant. I was so thrilled! I had always wanted children and now I had a reason to stay sober and I immedeitly told God I was sorry and I would be good and thank you for my baby. For the first time, I had a reason to live. Not an easy one though. I was not married and the baby was for a black man. Every single person in my family except my 16 year old sister disowned me. I lost my min. wage job because I had no medical coverage to see a Dr. and you have to get a Dr.s approval to work during pregnancy. Kenneth was not able to work because his withdrawl was severe and lasted for months. I did not know what else to do so I took over his job and became a drug dealer.
I also started going back to church. I went back to the one that kicked me out. I did not know where else to go. Determined to do things right for my child, I began volunteering and eventually was put in charge of one of the church ministries and was even offered a staff position. Once Kenneth was able, he began working, like me starting at min. wage and slowly working his way up. We were trying to do what was right and do the family thing and while every day was a struggle, life seemed good.
On August 2nd, I delivered our first daughter. She was stillborn. No reason was ever found for why after a normal, healthy pregnancy, our baby had died. Out of all the hard, dark times I had been through in my life, nothing came close to touching the intensity of the pain I felt from losing my daughter. I feel like I actually shattered. But this time I did NOT run from God.
Kenneth and I eventually married and got pregnant again. I also got kicked out of church again. Same reason, questioning doctrine. I had met a woman at a pg. & infant loss support group and we became best friends. We spent a lot of time together because we both had lost babies and understood each other and one day she invited me to a bible study. I went because I was so broken I was desperate for ANYthing to hold on to. I was pregnant again and when I walked into the bible study, the teacher sees my belly and says, "Oh, todays lesson is just for you!". It was about how sometimes you have to go through labor but the results, like having a baby, make it all worth the struggle. I was so stinkin mad! After the bible study was over I found out when and where they were meeting again and told them I would be back. I planned to go back so I could prove that woman wrong. She obviously had no idea what she was talking about. The second time I went, I do not remember what the lesson was on but hearing the Word of God had done something to me and I was told about having a personal relationship with Christ and that was it. I took hold of my Jesus' Hand and I have not let go since. I was delivered from alcohol when my oldest daughter was about a year old and I even started dancing again while pregnant for my 4th daughter. Only now, I do it for my Savior and realize my beauty is simply a reflection of Him.
Jesus said in John 12:24 unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. It is never easy to experience death, but with Christ, it is always worth it.
Testimony
I believe every Word in the bible is true. I may not always act like it but I believe in the Word of God fully and completely. I believe according to Jer. 1:5 that before I was even concieved, God knew me, He loved me, He set me apart. Eph. 1:4 & 18 tells me that because I have trusted Christ, I am chosen & called. I also believe Romans 8:28 which says all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purposes. I believe Satan knew I was to be a daughter of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords and from as early as I can remember, he tried his best to stop me. He failed.
My childhood was not ideal. It was not as bad as some but I grew up not knowing love or security or acceptance. As the oldest of 4 I had too many responsibilities and to this day I have more of a mother role to my siblings than one of a sister.
I was raised in a Catholic church and while I do not think there is anything wrong with being Catholic, the church I was raised in caused me a lot of pain. I had no knowledge of the Word of God but found myself questioning doctrine. I held on to "God" as tight as I could because I needed something to keep my head above the water. My life was drowning me and I was not trying to cause problems but I questioned things in the church and that did not go over so well. I became know as a trouble maker, I was told I was going to hell and eventually I was kicked out.
Back up a few years before I was ex-communicated and my already difficult life took another dive. At 13 I lost my virginity to date rape. I was very confused and could not seem to find anyone to help me or side with me so I started drinking. By the time I was a Sr. in high school, I was drinking on the way to school in the mornings.
High school brought with it all the trauma most girls experience I guess. But my world was tainted by alcohol and loss of hope. When I was kicked out of church, I felt like I lost my faith. I felt like I had nothing to believe in and was so angry at God I wanted nothing to do with anything I thought He represented. I also began believing that the beauty I possessed was a curse that only caused me hurt and pain. I would think I had finally found love and acceptance and find I was only wanted for what I could give.
As I sank deeper into alcohol and hopelessness, I became desperate for escape. So in order to get away from my life, I joined the Army. I was a military police officer and left for Alabama 21 days after I graduated from high school. Unfortunatly I found myself in the same circumstances just with different people, mostly men. From Alabama I went to Korea for a year and before I was in country 2 weeks, I was raped. He was more up there in rank and had a good reputation and in the end I was told 'sorry for the inconvienence'. That was a rough year. From Korea I went to Georgia where things just continued to get worse.
From the very beginning of my army career I not only dealt with sexual harrasment and assault, but also with being stalked. I just could not believe how often it happened and my beliefs that my beauty was a curse intensified. Once when a stalker forced his way into my house, I had to call 911. The stalker actually convinenced the 2 officers that responded that we were just fighting and I was suicidal and he was just trying to protect me. They left him there with me that night. He slept right next to me in my bed. What could I do? The next day, one of the cops came back to 'check on me'. He said it was obvious I was not happy in the relationship and asked if I would like to go out with him instead.
So I am the type of person that you tell me I am bad, I will show you bad. I had decided if men were going to continue to use and abuse me for my looks, I was going to use that to my advantage. I had always loved to dance so I took a job as a nude dancer at a club downtown. I actually was treated more respectfully as a stripper than in the Army. No one was allowed to touch me or even say ugly things to me. My bags were carried for me, I was walked to and from my car and no one was allowed to leave after me until my car was out of sight so I was never followed home. I had this false sense of power and control not to mention, men paying me just to look. As powerful as I felt, I can not put into words the damage that did to my soul.
So back to my stalkers, I had this one kid that started following me and he was young and after some of the other more serious incidents I had been involved in, I could do little more than roll my eyes at this poor kid. Well, he would up attempting suicide after my repeated refusals. My superiors actually called me in to tell me I was to blame and I could have prevented what had happened.
The police station manager was a guy I was ok with and I barged into his office and unholstered my 9mil. I dropped the mag. out and slid it across his desk. I unchambered the round that was in the gun then forcefully slid that across his desk into his lap. I told him if he was smart, he would not put a gun in my hands again. I told him to find a way, any way to GET ME OUT. I was done. I was sent to an Army shrink and all it took was me telling just a few of my sexual harrasment stories and they quick got me an honorable discharge and all my benefits and even a little extra to keep me from calling Dateline.
My childhood was not ideal. It was not as bad as some but I grew up not knowing love or security or acceptance. As the oldest of 4 I had too many responsibilities and to this day I have more of a mother role to my siblings than one of a sister.
I was raised in a Catholic church and while I do not think there is anything wrong with being Catholic, the church I was raised in caused me a lot of pain. I had no knowledge of the Word of God but found myself questioning doctrine. I held on to "God" as tight as I could because I needed something to keep my head above the water. My life was drowning me and I was not trying to cause problems but I questioned things in the church and that did not go over so well. I became know as a trouble maker, I was told I was going to hell and eventually I was kicked out.
Back up a few years before I was ex-communicated and my already difficult life took another dive. At 13 I lost my virginity to date rape. I was very confused and could not seem to find anyone to help me or side with me so I started drinking. By the time I was a Sr. in high school, I was drinking on the way to school in the mornings.
High school brought with it all the trauma most girls experience I guess. But my world was tainted by alcohol and loss of hope. When I was kicked out of church, I felt like I lost my faith. I felt like I had nothing to believe in and was so angry at God I wanted nothing to do with anything I thought He represented. I also began believing that the beauty I possessed was a curse that only caused me hurt and pain. I would think I had finally found love and acceptance and find I was only wanted for what I could give.
As I sank deeper into alcohol and hopelessness, I became desperate for escape. So in order to get away from my life, I joined the Army. I was a military police officer and left for Alabama 21 days after I graduated from high school. Unfortunatly I found myself in the same circumstances just with different people, mostly men. From Alabama I went to Korea for a year and before I was in country 2 weeks, I was raped. He was more up there in rank and had a good reputation and in the end I was told 'sorry for the inconvienence'. That was a rough year. From Korea I went to Georgia where things just continued to get worse.
From the very beginning of my army career I not only dealt with sexual harrasment and assault, but also with being stalked. I just could not believe how often it happened and my beliefs that my beauty was a curse intensified. Once when a stalker forced his way into my house, I had to call 911. The stalker actually convinenced the 2 officers that responded that we were just fighting and I was suicidal and he was just trying to protect me. They left him there with me that night. He slept right next to me in my bed. What could I do? The next day, one of the cops came back to 'check on me'. He said it was obvious I was not happy in the relationship and asked if I would like to go out with him instead.
So I am the type of person that you tell me I am bad, I will show you bad. I had decided if men were going to continue to use and abuse me for my looks, I was going to use that to my advantage. I had always loved to dance so I took a job as a nude dancer at a club downtown. I actually was treated more respectfully as a stripper than in the Army. No one was allowed to touch me or even say ugly things to me. My bags were carried for me, I was walked to and from my car and no one was allowed to leave after me until my car was out of sight so I was never followed home. I had this false sense of power and control not to mention, men paying me just to look. As powerful as I felt, I can not put into words the damage that did to my soul.
So back to my stalkers, I had this one kid that started following me and he was young and after some of the other more serious incidents I had been involved in, I could do little more than roll my eyes at this poor kid. Well, he would up attempting suicide after my repeated refusals. My superiors actually called me in to tell me I was to blame and I could have prevented what had happened.
The police station manager was a guy I was ok with and I barged into his office and unholstered my 9mil. I dropped the mag. out and slid it across his desk. I unchambered the round that was in the gun then forcefully slid that across his desk into his lap. I told him if he was smart, he would not put a gun in my hands again. I told him to find a way, any way to GET ME OUT. I was done. I was sent to an Army shrink and all it took was me telling just a few of my sexual harrasment stories and they quick got me an honorable discharge and all my benefits and even a little extra to keep me from calling Dateline.
Friday, January 18, 2008
half way
so I guess I am half way through. I did give in and eat soup the day of my last post. But considering Kenneth tried to talk me into a pizza buffet and I made it through his fast food runs, I feel ok about soup. I have been licking a lot more spoons that I meant to but maybe I am being too hard on myself.
I want to start compiling my testimony to share at the moms bible study I attend. There is so much to my story and I want to make sure it is something that Glorifies God and only speaks life and not death. I would love the opportunity to share what God has done for me not only for others but to remind myself of His Wonder and Goodness and just the vastness of Love He has showered me with. And I hope to be allowed to dance. I want to show other women how He took my ashes and made Beauty. Thats what Im talkin bout.
I want to start compiling my testimony to share at the moms bible study I attend. There is so much to my story and I want to make sure it is something that Glorifies God and only speaks life and not death. I would love the opportunity to share what God has done for me not only for others but to remind myself of His Wonder and Goodness and just the vastness of Love He has showered me with. And I hope to be allowed to dance. I want to show other women how He took my ashes and made Beauty. Thats what Im talkin bout.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
4pm and counting
This is the first day I reeeeaaaalllllly just wanted to quit. Yesterday was my first water only day (not counting the small pot of coffee) and this morning I felt so weird. I was dizzy and just felt weird and today was one of my first HUNGRY days. I ate the peelings from Adrian's apple, a pepermint Jane gave me and 2 popcorns while fixing the kids an afterschool snack. I just want to give in and eat ANYthing. I have been drinking juice and I do not think I will do many more (if any) water only days.
Talking to a friend, she said no one does just water on a 21 day fast. Maybe not but they may do just juice. I also have not spent hours and hours in prayer or bible reading. Not sure what I expected. I have kept up with my daily reading plus other Spiritually beneficial endevers. AND I have not wasted as much time vegging in front the tv or computer. Oh. Except the horrid movie Kenneth talked me into watching. It was funny but full of nudity and casual crazy monkey sex. Not good for a time of seeking God. But then I think, do I want to shut Kenneth totally out? He spends so much time on other things I will have nothing to do with. I do not want him to think I am playing the Holier than thou game with him. It is not an excuse to sin! Seriously. I feel so much spiritual distance from him already I am careful not to create more.
If I were closer to the end I may have more endurance so for now all I can do is wait for this day to end and hope tomorrow (and the next 11 days) are easier. I am re-evaluating the plan I started with. I think I will do juice every day and maybe even soup or fruits and veggies on weekends. I have rasins and trail mix that I may need before this day ends. It does not help I really like what I made the family for supper. Neither does it help that I think my pants fit better too. I have not weighed so that is one goal I have stuck to but I keep thinking I may have lost the 5 pounds I wanted so now is a good time to eat again.
Denying the flesh and empathising with the poor is supposed to be part of fasting so maybe I just need to Praise through this. I can do all things through Christ. That's what I'm talkin bout Jesus.
Talking to a friend, she said no one does just water on a 21 day fast. Maybe not but they may do just juice. I also have not spent hours and hours in prayer or bible reading. Not sure what I expected. I have kept up with my daily reading plus other Spiritually beneficial endevers. AND I have not wasted as much time vegging in front the tv or computer. Oh. Except the horrid movie Kenneth talked me into watching. It was funny but full of nudity and casual crazy monkey sex. Not good for a time of seeking God. But then I think, do I want to shut Kenneth totally out? He spends so much time on other things I will have nothing to do with. I do not want him to think I am playing the Holier than thou game with him. It is not an excuse to sin! Seriously. I feel so much spiritual distance from him already I am careful not to create more.
If I were closer to the end I may have more endurance so for now all I can do is wait for this day to end and hope tomorrow (and the next 11 days) are easier. I am re-evaluating the plan I started with. I think I will do juice every day and maybe even soup or fruits and veggies on weekends. I have rasins and trail mix that I may need before this day ends. It does not help I really like what I made the family for supper. Neither does it help that I think my pants fit better too. I have not weighed so that is one goal I have stuck to but I keep thinking I may have lost the 5 pounds I wanted so now is a good time to eat again.
Denying the flesh and empathising with the poor is supposed to be part of fasting so maybe I just need to Praise through this. I can do all things through Christ. That's what I'm talkin bout Jesus.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Still Going...
One week ago today I started a fast and while I licked a few spoons and fingers I am hanging in there. I have to say I am supprised that this is harder on a mental level than a physical one. I mean, I am hungry and I am trying to avoid being around food but it is not that bad. I almost feel like Weight Watchers was harder at times as far as hunger goes. I keep wanting to eat out of habit or bordom or for pleasure. I have kept up on my bible readings and have done some other things as well. I have tried to not waste idle time and have kept up with more household chores than usual. Funny what I can get done when I am not wasting time. I do see that I have more to do than I can handle though. I will never catch up and that is going to have to be ok. I will keep on keeping on and not let my joy be stolen.
Today I heard something from God that was lovely. I am not under the control of anything other than the Spirit of God. Not sugar, not coffee, not anything other than the Spirit of God. I want to be able to have A piece of cake or A serving of something delicious and not sin in my eating. Whatever I eat or drink or whatever I do, let it all be for the glory of God.
I have to admit I am still thinking about the scale and my pants size and how this fast could get me to my goal weight and I know that is not the mindset I want to have. If I am not under the control of any foods, I CAN be my goal weight and have my pants fit properly and not be too tight and uncomfortable. I just see I am not where I want to be. I am still seeking God's hand instead of His face. I have 13 days left to get there. That's what I'm talking about.
Today I heard something from God that was lovely. I am not under the control of anything other than the Spirit of God. Not sugar, not coffee, not anything other than the Spirit of God. I want to be able to have A piece of cake or A serving of something delicious and not sin in my eating. Whatever I eat or drink or whatever I do, let it all be for the glory of God.
I have to admit I am still thinking about the scale and my pants size and how this fast could get me to my goal weight and I know that is not the mindset I want to have. If I am not under the control of any foods, I CAN be my goal weight and have my pants fit properly and not be too tight and uncomfortable. I just see I am not where I want to be. I am still seeking God's hand instead of His face. I have 13 days left to get there. That's what I'm talking about.
Monday, January 07, 2008
21 Day Fast
Can I blog about this? I always have the feeling it is never read so it is not like I am bragging or even letting everyone know what I am doing.
I decided to join my church in a corporate 21 day fast to start the new year. I want to stop talking about moving to a new level with God and start DOing. I have a few goals, persay, for 2008. My God Word for the Haynes family is joy. My prayer is for every member of my family to hear God's voice more, better, louder, whatever.
Kenneth wants to get our finances in order (which is an answer to a long going prayer for me) so of course I want to do whatever is necessary to accomplish that.
Personally, I want to read the entire bible in a year and finally LISTEN to what God has been telling me about my eating habits and the way I treat my body (the temple of the Holy Spirit). I have been praying about eating better and He has REALLY been speaking to me about that but I have not acted yet. Well, not before today anyway.
My clothes (the ones I can still get into) are all uncomfortable but it is not just that. It is not a dress size or number on the scale. My family has horrible eating habbits! How in the world can I teach them right when I refuse to do right? It matters not that they see me eat the salad and not sneak the 3 pieces of cake with extra icing and ice cream. God has shown me I have moved into sinning when I eat. He wants me to stop, I want to stop and I want my heart to be more interested in glorifing God and not grieving the Holy Spirit within me than how I look in my pants.
I am doing this fast for God. To hear Him, to seek Him, to finally move into that next level of intimate relationship with Him. I am on day 1. Of 21. It sounds so scary. Today was good though. My bible study brought me to 1 Cor 10:31 that says whatever I eat or drink, whatever I do must all be for the glory of God. I have failed in this area so much but I am ready to repent and start fresh.
My daily bible reading just happened to be on fasting. Hmm. I hear my Father. He says He loves me. He says I can trust Him. He says He will help me. He will show me new things if I will follow Him. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.
I decided to join my church in a corporate 21 day fast to start the new year. I want to stop talking about moving to a new level with God and start DOing. I have a few goals, persay, for 2008. My God Word for the Haynes family is joy. My prayer is for every member of my family to hear God's voice more, better, louder, whatever.
Kenneth wants to get our finances in order (which is an answer to a long going prayer for me) so of course I want to do whatever is necessary to accomplish that.
Personally, I want to read the entire bible in a year and finally LISTEN to what God has been telling me about my eating habits and the way I treat my body (the temple of the Holy Spirit). I have been praying about eating better and He has REALLY been speaking to me about that but I have not acted yet. Well, not before today anyway.
My clothes (the ones I can still get into) are all uncomfortable but it is not just that. It is not a dress size or number on the scale. My family has horrible eating habbits! How in the world can I teach them right when I refuse to do right? It matters not that they see me eat the salad and not sneak the 3 pieces of cake with extra icing and ice cream. God has shown me I have moved into sinning when I eat. He wants me to stop, I want to stop and I want my heart to be more interested in glorifing God and not grieving the Holy Spirit within me than how I look in my pants.
I am doing this fast for God. To hear Him, to seek Him, to finally move into that next level of intimate relationship with Him. I am on day 1. Of 21. It sounds so scary. Today was good though. My bible study brought me to 1 Cor 10:31 that says whatever I eat or drink, whatever I do must all be for the glory of God. I have failed in this area so much but I am ready to repent and start fresh.
My daily bible reading just happened to be on fasting. Hmm. I hear my Father. He says He loves me. He says I can trust Him. He says He will help me. He will show me new things if I will follow Him. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
2008
It is a new year; 2008. My church, HPC (www.healingplacechurch.org) is reading the bible in a year. I have never done that. I plan to give it a go. My prayer for this year is for my family to hear God's Voice when He speaks to us and to support my husband's goals. I would also like to have more joy in my home. We choose joy despite our circumstances and I want to have more positive than negative this year.
He wants to keep his desk clean and get out of debt (which means stop spending huge amounts on our credit cards). The get out of debt thing will not be easy but I HOPE and PRAY he will stop the out of control credit card charging. My surgery is going to cost us a lot and I hope the medical bills will give him a practical reminder of his goals. I want to be positive with him and not critical. When I am critical, I know it makes it that much harder for him to follow through.
The girls and I have been watching Hairspray and we really love it. I had to explain some things because it is set back in 1962 and is about intergration and segragation. Also, they smoke and drink while pregnant because they were not aware of the dangers yet. I was quite amused when yesterday my 5 year old asked if it was ok for black people to marry white people. I asked her if she didn't think her daddy and I looked different from each other but I think I embarassed because she was like, Oh sure, I know. I was just talking about on the movie. I am not sure what she thinks. I guess it can be confusing to them. We never differentiate when people are white or black so maybe it is harder for her to tell. Especially with me being dark and her daddy being light. So now I have to decide if that is good or bad. Well, not really. I will just let it be and have joy that she does not understand prejudice.
I am getting excited about my surgery and hope I stay saved through my recovery. I plan to blog quite a bit about it. Fixed insides and new boobs. That's what Im talkin about.
He wants to keep his desk clean and get out of debt (which means stop spending huge amounts on our credit cards). The get out of debt thing will not be easy but I HOPE and PRAY he will stop the out of control credit card charging. My surgery is going to cost us a lot and I hope the medical bills will give him a practical reminder of his goals. I want to be positive with him and not critical. When I am critical, I know it makes it that much harder for him to follow through.
The girls and I have been watching Hairspray and we really love it. I had to explain some things because it is set back in 1962 and is about intergration and segragation. Also, they smoke and drink while pregnant because they were not aware of the dangers yet. I was quite amused when yesterday my 5 year old asked if it was ok for black people to marry white people. I asked her if she didn't think her daddy and I looked different from each other but I think I embarassed because she was like, Oh sure, I know. I was just talking about on the movie. I am not sure what she thinks. I guess it can be confusing to them. We never differentiate when people are white or black so maybe it is harder for her to tell. Especially with me being dark and her daddy being light. So now I have to decide if that is good or bad. Well, not really. I will just let it be and have joy that she does not understand prejudice.
I am getting excited about my surgery and hope I stay saved through my recovery. I plan to blog quite a bit about it. Fixed insides and new boobs. That's what Im talkin about.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Follow up post to Shopping for a hooker
this is why I shopped for a Hooker. For this outreach. I wanted to go but I think I chickened out. Still, I was a part.
Outreach Testimonies: Part 2
I got this note for the people of HPC from Alliece Cole - written by Donna Frank after a very special outreach a few days ago:
‘Twas the Midnight Before Christmas
192 roses, 3 strip clubs, 2 Hooters restaurants and Bennie’s Bar
The Alamo is quiet tonight…dozens of rooms left empty after a rash of break-ins forced people to seek safer housing. The man working security tells us we should go; that it’s not safe. We smile and thank him for his concern. We give his girlfriend a rose and a gift bag. She hugs us and thanks us profusely. He is skeptical but takes the box of chocolates we offer him. We wish them a Merry Christmas and get back in the shuttle. We talk to several more women before we leave; each one of them confused by our presence but clearly grateful. For most, we are their only reminder that Christmas is good.
The ladies working at the clubs are equally confused by us. They struggle to maintain composure as the peek into their gift bags to look at the earrings, chocolates, trinkets and gifts. Excitement replaces skepticism as they start pulling out their small treasures. A bouncer tells us that these are the best gifts these ladies will receive.
The bags contain mostly HPWomen leftovers: sparkly crowns, head bands, t-shirts, coffee mugs, jewelry, hand lotion and fancy chocolates. They also contain the necessities of life: tissue, breath mints, Tylenol and a copy of Pastor Dino’s book, Turning Points - everything a girl needs to get through the holidays.
The streets always hold an undercurrent of desperation, but this near to Christmas, everything is magnified. The tears are closer, the rage is hotter, and everything can turn on a dime. That’s why we’re there. We want to be available when people are willing to turn… we want them to have an option other than violence, drugs or hatred. Jesus is never closer to people than when they’re on the edge. Tonight, you allowed us to walk the edge with them.
Your prayers, your support, your commitment and your willingness to serve is what opens the door for us to walk the streets at midnight and pray for the people. You allow us to bring light to a dark and discarded world. You bring hope to the hopeless. You love the unlovable. You are the hands of Jesus.
Drug addicts, prostitutes, pimps and dancers were reminded tonight that they are not forgotten. God didn’t forget them, and neither did Healing Place Church. Thank you for enabling us to be a healing place for a hurting world.
All for His glory.
Outreach Testimonies: Part 2
I got this note for the people of HPC from Alliece Cole - written by Donna Frank after a very special outreach a few days ago:
‘Twas the Midnight Before Christmas
192 roses, 3 strip clubs, 2 Hooters restaurants and Bennie’s Bar
The Alamo is quiet tonight…dozens of rooms left empty after a rash of break-ins forced people to seek safer housing. The man working security tells us we should go; that it’s not safe. We smile and thank him for his concern. We give his girlfriend a rose and a gift bag. She hugs us and thanks us profusely. He is skeptical but takes the box of chocolates we offer him. We wish them a Merry Christmas and get back in the shuttle. We talk to several more women before we leave; each one of them confused by our presence but clearly grateful. For most, we are their only reminder that Christmas is good.
The ladies working at the clubs are equally confused by us. They struggle to maintain composure as the peek into their gift bags to look at the earrings, chocolates, trinkets and gifts. Excitement replaces skepticism as they start pulling out their small treasures. A bouncer tells us that these are the best gifts these ladies will receive.
The bags contain mostly HPWomen leftovers: sparkly crowns, head bands, t-shirts, coffee mugs, jewelry, hand lotion and fancy chocolates. They also contain the necessities of life: tissue, breath mints, Tylenol and a copy of Pastor Dino’s book, Turning Points - everything a girl needs to get through the holidays.
The streets always hold an undercurrent of desperation, but this near to Christmas, everything is magnified. The tears are closer, the rage is hotter, and everything can turn on a dime. That’s why we’re there. We want to be available when people are willing to turn… we want them to have an option other than violence, drugs or hatred. Jesus is never closer to people than when they’re on the edge. Tonight, you allowed us to walk the edge with them.
Your prayers, your support, your commitment and your willingness to serve is what opens the door for us to walk the streets at midnight and pray for the people. You allow us to bring light to a dark and discarded world. You bring hope to the hopeless. You love the unlovable. You are the hands of Jesus.
Drug addicts, prostitutes, pimps and dancers were reminded tonight that they are not forgotten. God didn’t forget them, and neither did Healing Place Church. Thank you for enabling us to be a healing place for a hurting world.
All for His glory.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Happy Birthday Jesus
Well, I miss Disney, but Christmas was still ok. I still find it hard to only see the Wonder of Christ's birth in the midst of the gifts, food, traveling and especially through the humaness that makes up family. I think Disney was so magical for me because while I have had wonderful family vacations with my own husband and children, this was a trip I had been on as a child that held less than magical memories. Kinda like Christmas and holidays. Momma often talks about the wonderful family get togethers we had and here I remember anything but joy. I remember her anger and disappointment and there is still the running family joke of who will get blamed for ruining the current family holiday or event for her. Rachel took Christmas this year. ; )
Disney was a good replay; like a do-over that was a lovely reminder that the past does not determine my present or future. Alas, the holidays still have parts of the past chained to them. I try to learn that it is my choice in how I react to those parts. My emotions and scars just still rule me more than I care to admit. Thanks to my Savior, I can try again tomorrow to honor Him and allow Love to reign in my life. That is what I'm talkin about.
Disney was a good replay; like a do-over that was a lovely reminder that the past does not determine my present or future. Alas, the holidays still have parts of the past chained to them. I try to learn that it is my choice in how I react to those parts. My emotions and scars just still rule me more than I care to admit. Thanks to my Savior, I can try again tomorrow to honor Him and allow Love to reign in my life. That is what I'm talkin about.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
He Speaks to me
While I SOO want to blog about the magical wonder that is Disney and the most incredible time we had, I have to say this first. Church Sunday was preached by Pricilla Shire. I have only done one bible study of hers but it was FAB. Church Sunday was FABULOUS. She taught that if you are a Christian, God will speak to you. He will. That is Truth. We need to accept that for what it is.
So yesterday I had some great things happen, mainly I prayed and asked for at least $200 in TS orders and I got right at $1000. Today I woke up not knowing how I was going to accomplish my TO DO list. I had to find the time and money to go to the post office and mail a bunch of stuff and possibly give up my weekend to hand deliver some stuff to Lake Charles (only 3 hours away). Rachel called and asked if she could give me my weekend back by asking mom to bring the girls and stuff to LC without me (YES!!!-well, almost. Have not heard from mom yet). Also, I found enough cards, card sized gifts and a TON of stamps so all I had to do was brave Hwy 73 and put the stuff all ready to go in the mail box. Also, I had on my list to go buy some stuff for Avery's class (more time and money) and got an early morning email saying I did not have to, some one else took care of it for me. AND THEN! I brought Em's blanket to get monogramed and they said Thursday it would be ready but called today to say it was done!! AND I have time to go get it because of all the other places I do NOT have to go. That's what I'm talkin' bout BABY!!!
So yesterday I had some great things happen, mainly I prayed and asked for at least $200 in TS orders and I got right at $1000. Today I woke up not knowing how I was going to accomplish my TO DO list. I had to find the time and money to go to the post office and mail a bunch of stuff and possibly give up my weekend to hand deliver some stuff to Lake Charles (only 3 hours away). Rachel called and asked if she could give me my weekend back by asking mom to bring the girls and stuff to LC without me (YES!!!-well, almost. Have not heard from mom yet). Also, I found enough cards, card sized gifts and a TON of stamps so all I had to do was brave Hwy 73 and put the stuff all ready to go in the mail box. Also, I had on my list to go buy some stuff for Avery's class (more time and money) and got an early morning email saying I did not have to, some one else took care of it for me. AND THEN! I brought Em's blanket to get monogramed and they said Thursday it would be ready but called today to say it was done!! AND I have time to go get it because of all the other places I do NOT have to go. That's what I'm talkin' bout BABY!!!
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Shoppin for a hooker
I love my church. I attend a Moms bible study which is geared towards stay at home moms and their young children. Today was so awesome. A lot better than usual in my opinion. A woman who does inner city outreach shared about the things she does with the homeless, with the dealers, with the strippers and the hookers. She gave us suburban middle classed have enough money that we dont have to work dressed in our trendy fashions latte sippin moms an insight into her world and invited us to join her on whatever level we wanted to. Our origional plans for the next time we met was to bring a pair of earings or a bracelet to do a gift swap with each other but after hearing this woman talk about how touched these women she encountered are to get the smallest gift, we decided to step it up and give all the gifts to the strippers and hookers. I Love my life and want the steril safe environment I created to stay intact on a lot of days. I would love my daughters to not know the ugly side of life and often I am too tired and overwhelmed with the Others in my life to look across the street to the person in the ditch. When I see them, then I have the pressure of reaching and streatching some more and I admit most days I just would rather avoid all that.
Now I have had a heart for strippers for a long time and wanted to get involved with the out reach to them. I plan to try to make the next outreach on December 21st but when I got home Kenneth said he wanted to go get a pair of shoes and some shirts. I got pumped and told him I was coming because I needed to get a Christmas present for a hooker!
Bless his heart, he tries to understand me. He thought the stuff I bought was too hookerish and I should get them something more modest but I think I did good. I also spent a bit extra on a lovely velvet gift box. He asked who the gift box was for and when I told him the hooker he tried to stop me but after 10 years together, he reconizes unstoppable passion in me when he sees it. I need my boat rocked sometimes. I need to see that the more I stretch the farther I can reach. I have to face the ugly to appreciate the Beauty.
God has given me so much beauty for ashes and pulled me out of so much ugly and I KNOW He did not do that for me to just settle into comfort and a world of nice. He did it so I can shine my light to someone like who I was so they can become the trend wearing latte drinking girl I have become. I do often feel like I am uncomfortable in my skin and while I know I have issues to work out I also think that can be the itch of comfort. We think comfort is good but I think it is deceptive. Was Jesus ever comfortable? Then why should I strive for that to be the norm. God knows my hooker's name. I pray she experiences the love of Christ. Tonight as it dips into the mid 40s and when she gets my pretty velvet box. That's what I'm talkin bout, baby.
Now I have had a heart for strippers for a long time and wanted to get involved with the out reach to them. I plan to try to make the next outreach on December 21st but when I got home Kenneth said he wanted to go get a pair of shoes and some shirts. I got pumped and told him I was coming because I needed to get a Christmas present for a hooker!
Bless his heart, he tries to understand me. He thought the stuff I bought was too hookerish and I should get them something more modest but I think I did good. I also spent a bit extra on a lovely velvet gift box. He asked who the gift box was for and when I told him the hooker he tried to stop me but after 10 years together, he reconizes unstoppable passion in me when he sees it. I need my boat rocked sometimes. I need to see that the more I stretch the farther I can reach. I have to face the ugly to appreciate the Beauty.
God has given me so much beauty for ashes and pulled me out of so much ugly and I KNOW He did not do that for me to just settle into comfort and a world of nice. He did it so I can shine my light to someone like who I was so they can become the trend wearing latte drinking girl I have become. I do often feel like I am uncomfortable in my skin and while I know I have issues to work out I also think that can be the itch of comfort. We think comfort is good but I think it is deceptive. Was Jesus ever comfortable? Then why should I strive for that to be the norm. God knows my hooker's name. I pray she experiences the love of Christ. Tonight as it dips into the mid 40s and when she gets my pretty velvet box. That's what I'm talkin bout, baby.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Last Week before the Secret Reveal!
So last night I went shopping and spent some of the funnest money EVER! My origional intentions were for new kicks for myself (I do not own tennis but felt I needed some for the Disney trip) and the annual PJs for the girls' Christmas tradition. This year I thought I would do them with a twist.
It is important to Kenneth and I to have some annual traditions and one of them for Christmas is new PJs for the girls. With the surprize Disney trip just over a week away I came up with the idea to get the PJs early, get Disney ones and pack them to give the first night of the Disney stay. Well, there I was with money, shopping on the brain, the trip a week away and mounting excitement, not to mention Sale signs, and my ideas kept growing. I bought 2 additional outfits for each girl plus some Disney attire for my self. And after looking at hundreds of pairs of shoes and trying on a dozen pairs AND talking with quite a few over zealous sales people, I FINALLY found some new kicks I liked so much, I bought it in 2 colors!
I was so excited I came home and put the girls to bed as fast as I could so I could start packing! Then this morning I realized I needed some stuff I packed already. But I am super stoked!
So tomorrow is Monday and we just have to get through the entire week (which is pretty full!) and the Secret will be REVEALED!!! Om my gosh so many times I went to say when we got to Disney... or when we get back from Disney... or HEY GIRLS LETS GO TO DISNEY!!!
The plan is to wake them Monday and say time for school. Go get in mama and daddy's bed and I will bring you your clothes. I bring in the Disney outfits and when they say ANYTHING we will start screaming at them LET'S GO TO DISNEY!!! On an AIRPLANE no less!!! This is gonna be so stinkin fun!
I gotta go make a buncha lists. Oh my gosh, so close! THATS WHAT IM TALKIN BOUT BABY!!!!
It is important to Kenneth and I to have some annual traditions and one of them for Christmas is new PJs for the girls. With the surprize Disney trip just over a week away I came up with the idea to get the PJs early, get Disney ones and pack them to give the first night of the Disney stay. Well, there I was with money, shopping on the brain, the trip a week away and mounting excitement, not to mention Sale signs, and my ideas kept growing. I bought 2 additional outfits for each girl plus some Disney attire for my self. And after looking at hundreds of pairs of shoes and trying on a dozen pairs AND talking with quite a few over zealous sales people, I FINALLY found some new kicks I liked so much, I bought it in 2 colors!
I was so excited I came home and put the girls to bed as fast as I could so I could start packing! Then this morning I realized I needed some stuff I packed already. But I am super stoked!
So tomorrow is Monday and we just have to get through the entire week (which is pretty full!) and the Secret will be REVEALED!!! Om my gosh so many times I went to say when we got to Disney... or when we get back from Disney... or HEY GIRLS LETS GO TO DISNEY!!!
The plan is to wake them Monday and say time for school. Go get in mama and daddy's bed and I will bring you your clothes. I bring in the Disney outfits and when they say ANYTHING we will start screaming at them LET'S GO TO DISNEY!!! On an AIRPLANE no less!!! This is gonna be so stinkin fun!
I gotta go make a buncha lists. Oh my gosh, so close! THATS WHAT IM TALKIN BOUT BABY!!!!
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
9 years
Today is November 20th, 2007. I married my husband 9 years ago, just 3 months after our baby girl died. I often realize what a good husband Kenneth has been to me despite our rough start. He did not have to stay with me for the first baby, or after we lost her and had nothing commiting us to each other. He has worked hard and despites his faults, has provided extreemly well for me and our girls all this time. I am not always good to him. I have often been horribly disrespectful to him. I do not often support him, but he loves me and shows me and continues to try to do right by me. I love him more, and even better, I like him more the longer we are together. He makes me laugh. He melts my heart. He is a gift from God to me.
I have to admit our Anniversary did not start too great. We both hate to wait with gifts and want to give them right away so we exchanged gifts last night. I did not like mine and he did not like his. I was even upset because I thought to myself, 'I gave the man a list of what I want and I already HAVE what he bought me (if you know Kenneth, no surprize, he got me the upgrade) and I love what I have and just because HE thinks I need an upgrade, it does not do what the old one does that I love and how can he do this to me WHINE WHINE WHINE!
But I decided to wake up today and just be glad about the gift of 9 years of marriage to a man I still love. I went got him a cheesecake and told him Happy Anniversary and asked for a gift of him cleaning the stove (a job he does not mind as far as actual work not on the computer goes and one I loath). He may or may not do it but I am ok with that. I am, however a little sensitive to the fact that both my mom and his mom called and did not mention what today is. I still feel my mom does not support my marriage (she was so against it in the beginning) but I think my main issue today is Ned was the one who NEVER forgot our anniversary. I could count on her to remember when no one else did and she is not here. I was very blessed in a bunch of tiny ways today even though I woke up with a 'the whole world is against me and its not fair' attitude. How like Jesus is it to kill me with kindness. So Happy Anniversary to me. There will be many more. That's what I'm talkin about. Baby.
I have to admit our Anniversary did not start too great. We both hate to wait with gifts and want to give them right away so we exchanged gifts last night. I did not like mine and he did not like his. I was even upset because I thought to myself, 'I gave the man a list of what I want and I already HAVE what he bought me (if you know Kenneth, no surprize, he got me the upgrade) and I love what I have and just because HE thinks I need an upgrade, it does not do what the old one does that I love and how can he do this to me WHINE WHINE WHINE!
But I decided to wake up today and just be glad about the gift of 9 years of marriage to a man I still love. I went got him a cheesecake and told him Happy Anniversary and asked for a gift of him cleaning the stove (a job he does not mind as far as actual work not on the computer goes and one I loath). He may or may not do it but I am ok with that. I am, however a little sensitive to the fact that both my mom and his mom called and did not mention what today is. I still feel my mom does not support my marriage (she was so against it in the beginning) but I think my main issue today is Ned was the one who NEVER forgot our anniversary. I could count on her to remember when no one else did and she is not here. I was very blessed in a bunch of tiny ways today even though I woke up with a 'the whole world is against me and its not fair' attitude. How like Jesus is it to kill me with kindness. So Happy Anniversary to me. There will be many more. That's what I'm talkin about. Baby.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Fwds
I must admit I am usually annoyed beyond belief at stupid Fwd emails about send this prayer to 10 people or your house will burn down or send to all your friends and the one who sent it to you so you can see how many people love you and my BIGGEST pet peve is the well intentioned ones sending me the latest warning about cleaning products, scams and other ways people have come up with to ruin my life. There are MANY websites people, to check the validity of this stuff! Google it even! Here is one for you on the off chance one of you suckers takes the time out of your life from saving the day of the common stay at home moms to read my blog: www.snopes.com. Please. For the love of all that is good and holy, do not send me crap out of the concern overflowing out of your heart for me without taking a nanosecond to find out if it is true or not. And since you had the guts to read this I will just tell you the truth; it makes you look stupid. Bless your little heart.
That said, I got a Fwd today and rolled my eyes but I opened it on the off chance the sender had included a personal note to me. She had not by the way. I did, however find a nugget. Maybe more than that even. This could almost be catagorized as a 6 peice nugget value meal. Supersized would be pushing it but I thought it worth posting here. It was titled:
I Am Invisible
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, "Can't you see I'm on the phone?" Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.
I'm invisible. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, "What time is it?" I'm a satellite guide to answer, "What number is the Disney Channel?" I'm acre to order, "Right around 5:30, please."I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going... she's going... she's gone!
One night a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, "I brought you this."
It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: "To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees."
In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:
(1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.
(2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.
(3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.
(4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.
A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, "Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it." And the workman replied, "Because God sees."
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, "I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become."
At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.
When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table." That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, "You're gonna love it there."As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.
THATS what Im talkin bout baby.
That said, I got a Fwd today and rolled my eyes but I opened it on the off chance the sender had included a personal note to me. She had not by the way. I did, however find a nugget. Maybe more than that even. This could almost be catagorized as a 6 peice nugget value meal. Supersized would be pushing it but I thought it worth posting here. It was titled:
I Am Invisible
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, "Can't you see I'm on the phone?" Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.
I'm invisible. Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, "What time is it?" I'm a satellite guide to answer, "What number is the Disney Channel?" I'm acre to order, "Right around 5:30, please."I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going... she's going... she's gone!
One night a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England . Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, "I brought you this."
It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe . I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: "To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees."
In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work:
(1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.
(2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished.
(3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.
(4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.
A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, "Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it." And the workman replied, "Because God sees."
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place.It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, "I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become."
At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.
When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, "My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table." That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, "You're gonna love it there."As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.
THATS what Im talkin bout baby.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
That time of year
In the past, I go fetal around mid-October. I guess this year I have been too busy to fall apart. I feel bounced between the thoughts of Peace and War, Rest and Work, Life and Death. It seems this year those themes are amped in my life. It has been almost one year since the day Ned was diagnosed with cancer (Nov. 17th). Two new babies have been born into our family (Ned's daughter and son each had a baby in late October). I have my annual loss exhibit in November and annual memorial service in December. I have felt slammed by battles in my mind over things I thought were part of my past, not my present. I feel no repreave from Death and this time of year, I seem to be surrounded by it. I know it is part of my calling, my ministry, but it feels too heavy sometimes. Out of balance.
I have always heard the saying 'Little kids, little problems; big kids, big problems'. I am starting to live it. My girls are growing up and getting, well, big. I can no longer keep them under my wing. I have no choice but to allow them to venture out in the world where the devil roams around like a lion looking for someone to devour. I feel so little confidence in how I have prepaired and equiped them. I feel devoured some days myself; hardly able to survive my own wars, much less fight someone elses.
My tank feels empty often and instead of turning to my Source, I just get pissed and spew venom. Like that will help. Things are not all bad, like I said, I am not balled up in the fetal position not willing to open my eyes and face the day, I just feel emotional, drained, isolated and alone. I need to be touched and talked to and it would be nice for someone to walk along side me. Jesus is there. I want Him to be enough and I am mad at myself that I will not let Him be. I mean, when He tells me to do something and I refuse, I know who's fault that is. I just feel so vurnarable and sensitive. I feel confused. I do not seem to know where the line is between the Proverbs woman who never seems to sleep and David who rests in the Shadow of the Almighty and is willing to be still and know, even in the face of turmoil.
I want to live the Word. I want to be equiped by the Word, I want to show God my love by obeying His Word. Now to decide if I should do that after I finish the laundry or if I should get to bed before it is tomorrow already. That's what Im talkin about.
I have always heard the saying 'Little kids, little problems; big kids, big problems'. I am starting to live it. My girls are growing up and getting, well, big. I can no longer keep them under my wing. I have no choice but to allow them to venture out in the world where the devil roams around like a lion looking for someone to devour. I feel so little confidence in how I have prepaired and equiped them. I feel devoured some days myself; hardly able to survive my own wars, much less fight someone elses.
My tank feels empty often and instead of turning to my Source, I just get pissed and spew venom. Like that will help. Things are not all bad, like I said, I am not balled up in the fetal position not willing to open my eyes and face the day, I just feel emotional, drained, isolated and alone. I need to be touched and talked to and it would be nice for someone to walk along side me. Jesus is there. I want Him to be enough and I am mad at myself that I will not let Him be. I mean, when He tells me to do something and I refuse, I know who's fault that is. I just feel so vurnarable and sensitive. I feel confused. I do not seem to know where the line is between the Proverbs woman who never seems to sleep and David who rests in the Shadow of the Almighty and is willing to be still and know, even in the face of turmoil.
I want to live the Word. I want to be equiped by the Word, I want to show God my love by obeying His Word. Now to decide if I should do that after I finish the laundry or if I should get to bed before it is tomorrow already. That's what Im talkin about.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Backwards Period
Now that my period is over my face is all broken out, I have cramps and I am fighting depression so bad I have to force myself to shower and brush my teeth. Kenneth is on turn around. He works every night until it is over. He comes home and wakes everyone up before the alarm then goes to sleep. He then gets up about an hour and a half before he needs to go to work again. Thank GOD I am not a single mother or that things are not always like this. I am a wreck.
Usually I have enough anger to fuel me. I have enough fight in me to keep on keepin on. I can keep going, I just do not want to as much. I want the house to be clean, I want chocolate, I want to not care about what the chocolate does to my ass, I want good sex, I want ANY sex, I want to feel somebody is on my side, I want my own room, I want someone to say 'God bless you' when I sneeze, I want to weigh 10 pounds less, I want to not be in debt, I want to never pay late fees, I want to not have to be responsible, I want to ride a motorcycle, I want another tattoo, I want to drink, I want to do drugs, I want to be so satisfied with Jesus, I do not need sex, chocolate or a God bless you. Hmm. I want the Rapture. I want Peace. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.
Usually I have enough anger to fuel me. I have enough fight in me to keep on keepin on. I can keep going, I just do not want to as much. I want the house to be clean, I want chocolate, I want to not care about what the chocolate does to my ass, I want good sex, I want ANY sex, I want to feel somebody is on my side, I want my own room, I want someone to say 'God bless you' when I sneeze, I want to weigh 10 pounds less, I want to not be in debt, I want to never pay late fees, I want to not have to be responsible, I want to ride a motorcycle, I want another tattoo, I want to drink, I want to do drugs, I want to be so satisfied with Jesus, I do not need sex, chocolate or a God bless you. Hmm. I want the Rapture. I want Peace. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Body Talk and Football
My oldest daughter turned 8 yesterday. I just found out more changes occur between the ages of 8-13 in girls than in the first 12 months of life when we go from a tiny helpless newborn to a fat toddeling one year old. I also learned that your feet grow faster than any other body part so they reach full size first. I bought myself books, my daughter books, read every article I notice on the topic, listen to every radio or tv teaching on this type of stuff and I can. not. believe. I am living it. When I was pregnant for Avery I went to a parenting class. When I learned it was a girl I narrowed my field of study. I think I was so worried I would be too scared to do things like have 'the talk' and answer questions and properly educate that I went over board with it all. I am no longer fearful of dealing with this type of stuff (periods, bras, body hair, boys, sex, etc) I am just finding myself a tad bewildered that I am living in this world already. Like I have been preping for 8 years or more and am just taken aback to find myself here. It is almost not even a big deal. It is just life. Our world. The Norm.
I often find myself feeling like day after day just slips by so fast I hardly have time to catch my breath but I still did not acknowledge my children were growing up before my eyes faster than I could blink twice. It is not scary. It is even kind of beautiful in a bizare sort of way. I just want so badly to VALUE my time as Mother to my girls. I need to slow down and be intentional about what matters and not sweat the small stuff more often.
THAT brings me to football. While I am very aware that my opinions and lack of restrainment often hurts and offends others, this is my blog so put your big girl (or big boy) panties on if you want to know what I think. Can some people please grow the hell up and stop investing so much into something that counts for NOTHING!! I am just so sick of people getting so bent out of shape about something that will not last into the eternal. Now before you think I am talking to you, understand it also pisses me off what athletes get paid. People want to bitch and moan that my Pastor and many other Godly people I support live a NOT simple life and spend money on non-necessities when they can give MORE to the poor (because they are already giving a butt load away) and should live a more simple ie poor lifestyle or their preaching will fall on deaf ears. Give me a fliping break and try spending as much time seeking the Lord as the money spending people of God and THEN come tell me you think they are wrong to spend the way they do. And then set your salvation aside and go watch a football game. I see the log in my eye. I do. I just feel like I am consistant. I am what I am and while I may appologize to you about it, I do not really mean it. I really think you need to get over your self. You do not have to like me. I will see you in heaven anyway. I am greatful for the awesome friends I have. The ones who allow me to be me and accept me as I am. They never have to agree with me but they do not ask me to not be me. To the rest of you? I say God bless you out loud with a smile on my face. The Word tells me to try my best to get along with everyone and live in peace as much as it is up to me(Romans 12:18). I will fake it till I make it. That's what Im talkin bout baby.
I often find myself feeling like day after day just slips by so fast I hardly have time to catch my breath but I still did not acknowledge my children were growing up before my eyes faster than I could blink twice. It is not scary. It is even kind of beautiful in a bizare sort of way. I just want so badly to VALUE my time as Mother to my girls. I need to slow down and be intentional about what matters and not sweat the small stuff more often.
THAT brings me to football. While I am very aware that my opinions and lack of restrainment often hurts and offends others, this is my blog so put your big girl (or big boy) panties on if you want to know what I think. Can some people please grow the hell up and stop investing so much into something that counts for NOTHING!! I am just so sick of people getting so bent out of shape about something that will not last into the eternal. Now before you think I am talking to you, understand it also pisses me off what athletes get paid. People want to bitch and moan that my Pastor and many other Godly people I support live a NOT simple life and spend money on non-necessities when they can give MORE to the poor (because they are already giving a butt load away) and should live a more simple ie poor lifestyle or their preaching will fall on deaf ears. Give me a fliping break and try spending as much time seeking the Lord as the money spending people of God and THEN come tell me you think they are wrong to spend the way they do. And then set your salvation aside and go watch a football game. I see the log in my eye. I do. I just feel like I am consistant. I am what I am and while I may appologize to you about it, I do not really mean it. I really think you need to get over your self. You do not have to like me. I will see you in heaven anyway. I am greatful for the awesome friends I have. The ones who allow me to be me and accept me as I am. They never have to agree with me but they do not ask me to not be me. To the rest of you? I say God bless you out loud with a smile on my face. The Word tells me to try my best to get along with everyone and live in peace as much as it is up to me(Romans 12:18). I will fake it till I make it. That's what Im talkin bout baby.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Do you want to be FREE?
Set Me Free ------Casting Crowns
It hasn't always been this way
I remember brighter days
Before the dark ones came
Stole my mind
Wrapped my soul in chains
Now I live among the dead
Fighting voices in my head
Hoping someone hears me crying in the night
And carries me away
Chorus: Set me free of the chains holding me
Is anybody out there hearing me?
Set me free
Morning breaks another day
Finds me crying in the rain
All alone with my demons I am
Who is this man that comes my way?
The dark ones shriek
They scream His name
Is this the One they say will set the captives free?
Jesus, rescue me
Chorus
As the God man passes by
He looks straight through my lies
The darkness cannot hide
Do you want to be free?
Lift your chains, I hold the key
All Power on Heaven and earth belong to me
You are free
You are free
You are free
I think this song touches me so deep because I still fight some lies from my dark days. I still remember the smells and the taste of the death I walked in. My stomach churns remembering the rich sweetness of sin in my mouth and the vile bitterness of it in my stomach. I still fight to stay free. I am forever greatful He heard me crying in the night.
It hasn't always been this way
I remember brighter days
Before the dark ones came
Stole my mind
Wrapped my soul in chains
Now I live among the dead
Fighting voices in my head
Hoping someone hears me crying in the night
And carries me away
Chorus: Set me free of the chains holding me
Is anybody out there hearing me?
Set me free
Morning breaks another day
Finds me crying in the rain
All alone with my demons I am
Who is this man that comes my way?
The dark ones shriek
They scream His name
Is this the One they say will set the captives free?
Jesus, rescue me
Chorus
As the God man passes by
He looks straight through my lies
The darkness cannot hide
Do you want to be free?
Lift your chains, I hold the key
All Power on Heaven and earth belong to me
You are free
You are free
You are free
I think this song touches me so deep because I still fight some lies from my dark days. I still remember the smells and the taste of the death I walked in. My stomach churns remembering the rich sweetness of sin in my mouth and the vile bitterness of it in my stomach. I still fight to stay free. I am forever greatful He heard me crying in the night.
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