Thats What I"m Talkin Bout Baby!!

2011

2011-01-08T21:26:00.000-08:00

I need an Awakening. Tomorrow I am starting a 21 day fast with my church based on the Awakening book (& website linked in title) by Stovell Weems. I have attempted this before. I have never been that successful at fasting but I am also not a quitter by nature. A friend recently said to me something like 'I need to let go of the past & the pain. It has changed who I am'. I think pain SHOULD change who you are. As cleche' as it is, pain in your life will make you bitter or better. I have been bitter. I want to be better. I am hoping by fasting, I can refocus & move in 'better' direction.

I am at a job that I am mostly happy with. I am dealing with being a working mom. I am a little more stable financially. I hate a little less. But it could all be better.

When I have tried fasting in the past, I never could focus on God much because I was so consumed by the discomfort of my flesh. I would be grouchy & have no energy and never managed to function at a decent level. The book Awakening has really got me amped about this fast though because I feel a bit more prepared and a little less legalistic & much more expectant. I feel my faith has been strengthened & my unbelief has been helped. It was a good book. I hope it is a great fast that awakens my relationship with God. Here's to hope in 2011.

Trapped

2010-11-29T11:04:00.000-08:00

I am a prisoner. Fear binds me, stripping me of my appetite and hope. I'm hot despite the lack of heat around me & I lack the ease & comfort one normally receives from being in their own bedroom. I sit tense on the edge of my bed doing the only thing I can at this moment. I am thanking God. Thank You God for You are good. I praise You for You are good. Over & over, without feeling, without meaning, hoping the words will work like a magic spell.

There are no accidents. You chose my parents, my siblings, my husband, my home. You know what You are doing & You see the big picture while I sit trapped. Unable to leave. Unable to stop the terrors that cause my fear to make my belly hot. Unable to find anything to control in the madness that God knew was going to be my existence.

He continues to blow me Kisses. After losing the job that made me miserable but would have gotten me on my own feet financially, I was out of work for 35 days, & I thought I was going to die from the depression & hopelessness. Someone who cares about me pointed out that having that job for the 5 weeks I did got me caught up on some of my finances and if I hated it, it was best I lose the job because I never would have quit. I see the big picture from that pain. Some.

Then after 35 days, I am offered a gift of a job which I love & makes me happy & uses my gifts but does not pay enough for me to take care of myself. I think maybe I am not supposed to take care of myself. I also see the vast sickness of my codependency. Still I can not see yet how being bullied and manipulated into taking care of other family members is going to work for my good, like Romans 8:28 promises. Being bullied is horrible. Having someone control you with fear is sickening. Not being able to trust those who are supposed to take care of you & protect you is lonely. How do I not let my circumstances blacken my soul and ice over my heart? How can I bear the thought of sending my daughters out into the world knowing what I found out there? How can I model to them 'God is all you need' when I don't feel that way from my prison cell? How do I show them freedom when I am not sure I ever lived there?

I can not deny His Kisses. He keeps blowing them & they are my oxygen. I know the next one will always come & I believe His timing is above my comprehension. I just get tired of feeling like I may die before my next Breath comes. I totally understand how the disciples felt in Matthew 9:25. 'Jesus help! We are going to drown!'

Thank God He keeps quieting my storms.

no respecter of persons

2010-10-06T20:20:00.000-07:00

Besides maybe one day getting out of debt, working again may gain me some really valuable lessons. What I want does not matter. How honest I am does not make people trust me. No matter how much you plan and organize (& pray & wish), there are only 24 hours in a day. You will not always get applauded for doing the right thing.

I hate when I think i have learned a biblical truth only to find out I just got the basic concept and the real lesson is a lot more likely to strip away big chunks of flesh. We can rejoice too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. Romans 5:3-4.

As adorable as that verse is, I am in the gross part right now. After 5 weeks of working all but full time, my kids are still a wreck, my finances are even worse off (dumb stuff keeps happening; truck repairs, speeding ticket due, credit card scam, etc, etc) I never see my spouse to work on our relationship, I still cant seem to do things right at work, so much so my job may be threatened, even though I am giving it my all. I have not been able to make it to church except the days I was asked to volunteer and it is getting cold. There is no time for friends and fun, only function and never frivolity. I live where the good die young and evil is blatantly rewarded.

while the end is no where in sight, I still hold to the belief that there will be a Light there. I remember that there always has been One before. The Light has been so faithful that I am not doubting the Light exists, but I really only continue to put one foot in front of the other out of habit. Out of pride. Out of spite. Out of lack of options. I just hope I make it to the end without getting lost. I expect some bumps and bruises along the way. Endurance, strength, character blah blah. So I keep at my rat race. Never giving up. Growing weary but never quitting. Waiting & working & falling & bruising and knowing one day I will again see the Light.

The Price of Truth

2010-09-09T20:00:00.000-07:00

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can & will be used against you. I never have been one to remain silent. I learned at an early age that what I said would be used against me. Still I could not keep the truth silent. Apparently I still cant.

I keep hearing one of my favorite songs play over & over in my head. A line actually. Aerosmith's Dream On. You've got to lose to know how to win. Sometimes when you are honest, when you tell the truth, when you refuse to remain silent, you lose.

There is not much I hate more than lies. I hate myself most when I lie. So I came clean about some lies I have been dealing with and it cost me something precious. I want to be mad about it. It is so much easier to just emote in anger. It is so much easier to rage than to be vulnerable & admit pain & brokenness. The anger belongs to me. My scars & the open wounds I have hidden with band aids were gifts from others. The anger, that is mine. Still, the truth is free. It is not prison & chains. It is not darkness & cold. I may lose but sometimes that is what it takes to win.

In the end I know the price of truth will be worth it. I trust God & know my broke needs His fix. I would never want my junk to bleed all over something I love & taint or jeopardize it. The truth has a high price. Maybe that is why I require it. Every body's got their dues in life to pay.

Permission to Speak Freely by Anne Jackson

2010-09-03T19:15:00.000-07:00

Love it! The first thing I love is the visual appeal of this book. I love the look and even the feel of the book. The cover art is great then the more pages you turn, the more artistically beautiful the book becomes.

The intro made me want to cry tears of relief. I fell in love with Anne Jackson before I even got to chapter 1! I am not often a fan of Christians but not only do I want to go to church with Anne, I would love to have her as a friend. I love that she took a huge chance with this book and the topics it covers and I am so relieved to see she is not offering up her book as a cure in 7 easy steps. I love that she acknowledges that humans are so individual that what works for one may not for the other. I love that! It is so frustrating to bring a problem to the church or a christian and be given a pat response that does not work and adds to our guilt.

This book was rhema words to me that left me wanting to curl up in Anne's lap and sob while she held me. I honestly do not think I can possible give a biased review of this book because it was written for me. I do believe that she has touched on something that Christians NEED to tap into if we ever expect to make it through our journey following Christ. Jesus is Truth. The Church are His people. When we, as His people cant speak about our personal Truth, we die a little. Sometimes we die a lot. Anne gave the gift of going first by writing this book. It is a gift. I hope I find the strength to go second with my own confession now so the gift will continue to live. I pray millions of others will be strengthened enough by her gift to do the same. I long to live in a world where we have the permission to speak freely. No matter how painful or how much it cost, Anne highlighted the messy beauty that results. That's what Im talkin bout, baby.

http://www.permissiontospeakfreely.com

New

2010-08-30T18:32:00.000-07:00

i believe tomorrow will make day 21 of the fast I recently mentioned. I have failed beautifully! A lot can happen in 21 days, insanity can be conceived, be birthed, breath & conquer & then die. All in 21 days or less.

Instead of floating into peaceful spiritual tranquility, I wound up stumbling Lipton Tea style into the dark abyss of pride, of evil, of sin. I hate to sound like a Christian but it was satan. Even though it is not the norm for me, I chose isolation and fear. I tried to walk into the light & instead cowered from it. I tried to stay pure & holy & wound up dirty & defiled. I tried to be strong & was weak. But that was where I found Truth and escape.

I have been noticed. I have been tossed a line. I have been rescued.

This week begins news for me. New job. New schedule. New counselor. New issues I have not cross examined. New relationships. New vulnerabilities. New hope.

In the Sanctuary of Outcasts

2010-08-15T19:11:00.000-07:00

I found this book to be an easy read and a quick read. It was not exactly gripping where I had to know what was next, but I definitely was anxious to continue reading. The real appeal may not have been Neil’s experience for me. His story and the lessons he learned were nice, but I was just completely curious about a place that was a prison to criminals and at the same time a refuge to medical outcasts.

The truths Neil learned are basics; a good life with loved ones does not require wealth. It is vital to be honest without worrying about your image. Helping others is nobler than winning awards. I was glad he learned those things, we all should but it was not what made the story interesting to me.

Ella was easily the character I was drawn to the most. I did enjoy Link too though. I loved the message that life changing relationships developed in this strange location where the river runs North (does it really??) though the people never would have been friends outside of the magic that was Carville. Not everyone gets a chance like that so it was definitely story worthy to me.

Some things that stuck with me after reading were in Ch 36 where Neil described how he used to date beauty queens and after time, their stunning beauty became common. He said the same thing happened with the leper patients. Over time, their deformities & disfigurements faded into the norm. On both sides of the spectrum, after time physical traits disappear. I wish more people comprehended that and put less importance into the physical. It was comical to me that Neil wanted to wear cologne while in prison so I was glad he got over his definition of beauty by the end of the book.

My favorite Link moments include Ch 30 when dealing with a leprosy patient, he called him a leper. Smeltzer got upset and told Link ‘don’t call me that’. Link said ‘you got leprosy don’t you? What you want me to call you then?’ Smeltzer did not know. That was profoundly sad to me but I love Link’s candor.

Also in Ch 38 after his wife told Neil she was divorcing him, Link asked why Neil was sad. He told Link about the divorce and he laughed. He said ‘you a liar, you lost $2 million and you in jai! What you think she gonna do?!?’ I paraphrased to keep the eff words out.

The last thing I found so noteworthy was something Neil’s mother said to him in Ch 41. He did not want to live in the town his children were in and had a long list of valid reasons why. His mom told him ‘you either live in the same town with your children…or you don’t. There is no in between.’ I don’t think people get that. I dare say fathers don’t get it. It is so important for parents to put aside their own wants for the needs of the children. I was so glad Neil got that!

Lemonade

2010-08-11T09:05:00.000-07:00

It is not happening. I have been waiting but...nothing. I have been on hold for so long now. I have been waiting for things to get better; for things to change. For people to change & circumstances to change and I have been putting everything on hold until it happened.

So it is time. Today was the start of another school year and I am no longer waiting. I have to be the one. I need to decide what I am going to do and do it instead of this being on hold bullshit. I am starting a 21 day fast today. Danielish in nature. No wine, sweets, & meat mainly. Cant give up coffee & dairy. I may actually kill myself.

I have some decisions to make and need to start living again. I need to be me again. I need to figure out who I am in the life I have. I may have hoped for a different life but who doesn't? Let's make some lemonade!

I am going to clean up. I am going to declutter. I am going to look up. I am going to move forward and 21 days from now, I hope to have a new direction. Come what may. That's what Im talkin bout.

Lead Me

2010-05-04T12:56:00.000-07:00

I was listening to the radio recently and there was a guy talking about a song he wrote. It caught my attention because it was about when his marriage was in trouble. It caught my attention because it sounded like so much of what I see everywhere I look. It also caught my attention because he was using a very public platform to admit where he failed and to publicly announce what he has done wrong in his life. I had to continue listening because I was so impressed with his courage & honesty. I do not know the name of this incredible man but the band is called Sanctus Real and the song is called Lead Me. It pretty much undid me.

Sanctus Real - “Lead Me”

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

She refused the rose

2009-11-21T11:52:00.000-08:00

I am privileged to be a part of a church that does something called Midnight Outreach where we bring long steamed red roses to girls who are in the strip clubs. There is a card attached that has our church info listed and says something like 'this is a little gift to brighten your day, no strings attached'. We do not preach and while some of the girls do not believe this, we do not judge. We just want them to know we think about them and Jesus loves them. No matter what they do in those clubs.

I went with the group to give out roses this week and saw many girls, but one who occupies my mind still.

As I pushed my way through the crowded club full of barely dressed girls, she spots me as I hand out roses and slurs "HEY. You know me!". Yes, I did.

As I took in her face and plastered a smile on mine, a million thoughts shot through my head all at once. We were best friends once. We had both buried a daughter, her after a long battle with something incurable. I remembered what her step dad had done to me and thought about what he must have done to her. I remembered the guy I liked that she slept with to prove a point and her mother's spaghetti. I remembered her mom having her at 15 and spending her money on pot instead of my friend and her little brother. I remember her dropping out of school at 16 because in all those years she had never learned to read.

As I focused on not looking anywhere but her eyes, my heart flooded with sorrow and began to spill over so much my smile started to crack. My lips twitched as I stood frozen knowing the rules say 'no conversations' (club rule, not church. They do not want us to have the opportunity to preach to a girl who could be making them money) and do not look anywhere but her face. Our rule, actually. We do not want to come across as better than them or judgemental. She went to slip her hand around my waist and I wanted to hug her so bad but instead I pulled back. She took offence but it was not because of her. It was not even because she was wearing less than a bra & panties, was drunk as shit and was straddling another girl dressed much the same. I wanted to hug her and drag her out and tell her I was so sorry for the life she was dealt and promise her it could be better! I wanted to, but I just stood there and smiled that big smile that was a cross between shock & crazy. I offered her a rose and she refused. She turned down the rose that to her maybe meant judgement and condemnation. She turned down a rose that showed the sharp contrast between my life and hers.

I was dressed for the weather in layers while she was hardly dressed. My husband of 11 years was at our nice home full of nice stuff sound asleep with 2 of our daughters to snuggle with and a hope for the future. She was 35 years old and drunk on a Thursday night that was moving fast into a Friday morning that looks a lot like hell if I had to guess.

She said to me, "God. You look so different". I KNOW, I wanted to scream! It was not my hair or the extra 15 pounds. My face looks exactly the same as it did when I was 10, actually. I knew what she meant. She saw the Hope. "His Name is Jesus!" I wanted to grab her and say. "You see Hope in me and you can have it too". Instead I said "Nice seeing you, Christian" and turned on my heels and walked out of the club into the cold night air.

I can not stop thinking about Christian and my heart & eyes continue to overflow with sorrow and sadness. The hardness of her heart was plain on her face but I pray she does not forget how different I look. I pray she experiences the Love of Christ even though she will have no idea how to comprehend it. I know my God will continue to pursue her and I pray she will not refuse Him again, like she did my rose. I pray she finds hope, before it is too late.

Redefined Beauty

2009-11-05T15:25:00.000-08:00

I have daughters. Plus I am a girl. If you have ever talked to me about having girls or even being one, chances are I have brought up the books I have read by Vicki Courtney. She used to be a feminist then became a Christian and writes about how to raise Christian daughters in this filthy world.

I really like her perspective and got all kinds of fired up recently after re-reading some of her stuff. I get so frustrated at the sex saturated unrealistic media standards about beauty and some days I am convinced the problem is too vast to even address. Then other days, one of my girls will make a comment that lets me know she is not giving herself the value she deserves and my blood boils and I am convinced the same power that conquered the grave is in me and all the powers of hell can not stop me from wielding the Sword of Truth and exposing the lies the world has told about what beauty is.

As women, Christians or not, we are more than the sum of our parts. I am so mad we do not live this truth and instead allow for a porn-riddled culture to impose this narrow definition of beauty, which does not allow for the natural effects of childbearing or aging.

After spending a week people watching (woman watching specifically) in Disney, where many different cultures were represented, I had to admit I found myself defining beauty based on the typical Hollywood standards. In doing so, I devalued my own beauty and that of the females around me. After reading 'we are more than the sum of our parts' and thinking about what beauty truly is, my vision began to refocus and I saw the loveliness of motherhood and the aged. I saw the beauty in uniqueness and remembered that I do not want to be like or look like someone other than me. I also was saddened to see so many women trying to be beautiful by being provocative and exposed. Girls! We do not need to sell ourselves by showing off our parts! We are more than that!

The facts are that the garment industry assumes the hourglass shape is dominate and manufactures clothing to fit that shape when only 8% of the 6,318 US women in a 2007 study in fact have that shape. So we shop and have trouble finding clothes to fit us nicely, then put ourselves down and vie for the figures of Hollywood stars.

Beauty should come from within first, but there is nothing wrong with trying to beautify the temple we are given as long as it is in good taste and not the primary focus. There just must be a balance and a realistic standard we measure ourselves by.

www.campaignforrealbeauty.com says only 2% of women would describe themselves as beautiful. Help me redefine beauty and find the beauty in yourself and the women in your world. Let's do our part to expose the unhealthy lies the world feeds us about what beauty really is. Do you think you are beautiful? I think I am.

Death & Divorce

2009-06-25T20:47:00.000-07:00

Funny I finally make time to type this up when I have been chewing on it for a while now. Funny, the day I finally turn on my laptop and log in here in the first time in weeks, is the day both Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson die. Consequently it is also the day I attended a funeral and devoted my evening to helplessly sitting by and watching my best friend try to make sense out of her husband telling her he wants a divorce because he does not love her.

I still spend lots of time watching my grandmother slowly move closer to death yet camped out firmly in her life regardless of the lack of quality there. Then there is the 60 plus year marriage my grandparents share that transcends quality of life despite the fact that it is killing him to care for her until death.

Johnny's dad died from cancer. He was 84 and left a wife who will have to learn to breath without the man she spent most of her long life with. Johnny lost his brother to cancer not but a few months ago and there is the fact that he has not recovered from losing his wife, Ned and it just seems cancer has a personal vendetta for this family.

Then again, lots of families could say the same thing. My young friend, Shannon could say cancer is after her. Or my childhood friend whose dad has fought it off, who lost her grandfather and now is watching her grandmother fight it. I remember when Ned was fighting for her life, it seemed everywhere I looked I saw cancer's aftermath.

Am I just getting to the age where the older generations in my life is dying off? Am I getting to the point where people in my life have tried for 10 years or so to make their marriage work and they decide to let it go? Today Farrah & Michael, but Monday Jon & Kate announced divorce. I totally get that the world is supposed to go to shit, I just feel before mighty acts of God take cities out, divorce and cancer will strip things pretty bare.

It is so easy to get comfortable where I am and allow complacency set in and forget all I went through to get here. It is too easy to forget where we are going and how little the time here will compare with eternity. It is far too convenient to forget the countless people bound for hell surrounding us because it is more natural to focus on the negative in our own lives. Nothing like a little, actually a lot, of death and divorce to help me to refocus on what is important. I may be assured of my own salvation but should that be enough? I would rather be able to say I'm the girl who pissed off the devil so often. Yeah. That's what I'm talkin bout.

To be

2009-05-11T06:46:00.000-07:00

If I had to pick the hardest day of the year for me, it would be easy to say Mother's Day is it. Not only does it seem to remind me of my rocky intro into motherhood and the missing daughter in my life, it reminds me of how my childhood expectations of motherhood were warped. That or my expectations today are warped. Either way, not fun.

I found a site called http://futureme.org where you write your self an email and it sends it in the future. I told myself to stop hatin. I also sent one saying to stop getting tattoos although I think my love likes my latest since he keeps taking pictures of it.

I have had a lot of internal chaos to face since deciding it was time to grow the hell up and deal with the issues that have not budged in the 10 years since I have met Christ and I gotta say, my world was rocked. In an extremely different way that I anticipated though.

I went through the phase of trying to fit in the church box and look like a cute little Christian should and I went through the screw that phase where I was going to be who I was and yall can kiss my ass. I was just always conflicted because I wanted to do the right thing but the view of that was never quite clear to me. Through it all, I simply held tight to a God Who loved me despite me and figured there was no point in trying to figure that reasoning out because it was not possible to.

I wanted to 'continue on my path' and 'mature to eat solid food instead of just milk' and 'live the purpose driven life'. I was jealous of my friends who seemed to progress through the Christian class system and move towards fame and success and I was frustrated at how I never seemed to move from the rock I was planted on.

I had this small, quaint little shack (think Sawyer's place on the beach) while my friends had moved into the suburbs and had cute little manicured lawns and neighborhood pools (Dharma and then The Others). We all accepted each other and even loved each other but I gotta wonder how much of the grass is greener on the other side possibly taints the relationships and holds them back from the glory that could be unleashed.

I have never been a neighborhood kinda girl and my love would crack under the pressures included and get us kicked out or ruin us financially trying to save face; yet, we long for something we do not even want. It frustrates me at times to see so many cookie cutter lives all around me and every once in a while, someone gets brave enough to break the mold and gets lifted up as a novelty for a time before coming apart at the seams.

I used to fail to see the hope but since I am the darker more morbid type, I think my vision is adjusting to the lack of light. I am starting to see my shack on The Rock for what it really is. I do not need landscaping when I have the sand. I do not need a neighborhood pool when I have the ocean. Sure, I might get stung by a jellyfish or even bitten by a shark but I also am recognizing that the pain I have felt in my life, the times I have given into it and not tried to escape with numbing tactics, that pain only intensifies my joy.

It hurts on Mother's Day to only have 3 daughters with me; but the joy the 3 bring is clarified by the lack. I can try to be better. I can try to be me. But maybe I just need to be. If I am sad, I am sad. If I am pissed, I am pissed. If I am elated, let it be. I like where I am. Why move? Back to the Lost references again, Sawyer decided to be. And it cost him his love. And it was beautiful. That's what Im talkin bout baby.

New Stuff Sucks

2009-04-14T13:50:00.000-07:00

I have millions of thoughts in my head that would love to come out and be recorded but when I have had the time, I just did not have it in me to sort and organize the tangle of thoughts that often drag me away from sleep.

I have spent so much time at my grandparent's that when I do find time to play on the computer, it almost seems counter-productive. I go from a house where things are over 50 years old and work beautifully to my own home filled with cheap disposable items and expensive modern conveniences that cause me more stress and money than I care to add up.

I often talk about how it is important to me to live a greener lifestyle and after being with my 82 year old Paw Paw day in and day out, I see a person who has never heard of 'going green' but does more for our planet than Star Sara Snow or Ed Begley Jr.

I often find tips about living more Eco-friendly that he has always done. I love how much we can learn from different generations when given the chance. Since my microwave caught on fire, I decided to try and live without it. I want to love and value my family. I want to not spend more than I have. I want to take care of what I have. I want to not put off what can and needs to be done now. I want to not always look for the convenient route because I swear convenience seems to be so stressful!

Now add in a pay cut and no more overtime even though we pay our bills with overtime and the new car note because the old car had to be replaced before it was paid for and while under warranty. HAD to be replaced. When did the meanings of these words change?

I long for simple. I do not want convenience. I am tired of leaning on my own whacked understanding and warped definition of good and easy.

Spend enough time with the elderly and it is easy to see the world has gone to shit. Thank my Lord I can live in the world and not be of it. My prayer is not for God to take us out of this world but to protect us from the evil one (John 17:15). That's what I'm talkin bout!

60 Year Love

2009-03-08T11:34:00.000-07:00

I can not wrap my brain around 60 years. I am 34 years old and I am shocked I have been married 10 years and have children ages 5, 7 & 9. 60 years in almost double my lifetime and as hard as 60 years is to comprehend, 60 years of love is crazy to me. Beautiful crazy. Wicked awsome crazy. Incomprehensible.

While I am very glad to get to love my family through Acts of Service (my #1 love language with Physical Touch being only a point or few less) by caring for my Granny so often, the greatest gift I am taking away is Love. My Paw Paw Loves my Granny. They have been married almost 60 years and the Love he has for her is tangible. You can see it in the way he cares for her. You can see it in the way he does not find the tasks difficult and gross. You can see it in the way he knows her inside and out and shows attention to every little detail for her. It is seen in the way he puts her wants before his wants and even his needs.

My grandparents are Catholic and to any Catholics that happen to read this, put your big girl panties on and try to not take it personally (Bub, we call them panties in my house. My husband has learned to deal with it, you can too). The church I grew up in taught a lot of lies. I am sure I was not the only one hurt by the false doctrine that was shoved down my throat and guilted into my heart. My grandparents along with most of their children did not acknowledge I even exsisted when I got pregnant out of wedlock. The lies were so imbedded I even went through a time where I thought God killed our baby as punishment for the premarital sex because that was what I was taught. Even though around the age of 2 I became not so stupid as to believe crap like that, in my grief and shock and isolation, I entertained that lie for a while.

The same guilt that ruled my life must have influenced my grandparents alot also because when our daughter died, they came to the hospital to say how sorry they were. As much as I believe most every word from my mother's mouth is a lie, she was the only one with the balls to say she did not want the baby in her life. But I know others thought it. I often wondered if my grandparents felt guilty for not wanting my baby after she died. I was convinced it was why they came to the hospital and spoke to me for the first time since announcing my pregnancy. Either way, once I found Christ I figured if someone like Him was willing to give someone like me a second chance, I could do the same in my relationships.

*sidenote* I tried real hard with my mother to forgive past hurts. Problem with her is she continues her lies, deception and manipulation to this day and a person can only take so much. She is lying to me about something huge right now and while I will forgive her, I refuse to be in relationship with someone who can not be trusted. I am pissed right now but in time it will pass until the next thing she does to me. The whole forgive 70 times 7 thing? I am well past the 500th chance with her.

I am so glad I took my grandparents back into my life because while there is a huge generation gap, I have learned more from those 2 than anyone in my adult life. I am convicted to love my husband more. I am convicted to not be as lazy. I am encouraged to apreciate Creation and nature. I have hope true Love still exsists because I see it daily while my Paw Paw cares for his dying wife. In a time where at least half of all marriages end in divorce, I have learned marriage can be sucessful and fulfilling and beautiful. I am honored to be a part of their daily lives and to witness their love. That's what Im talkin bout baby.

Update to accessories for former sex slaves

2009-03-08T11:33:00.001-07:00

Cyrus actually has an inventory of Sak Saum purses here in the office. Please feel free to use my contact information if anyone is interested in buying a purse. I can also send you some of my business cards if you would like. We are currently working with Sak Saum to develop a website in order to sell the products. I will let you know when that is up and running. So for right now, anyone can stop by the office and look at what we have. We also have Cyrus t-shirts in stock. The ones we have now are long-sleeved. We should be ordering some short-sleeved shirts soon.

Cyrus is a few blocks from HPC on Highland. East Petroleum Drive is directly across the street from Ruffino’s Restaurant on Highland. The Cyrus office is located inside Lee Domingue’s business “Appone”. I can give you further directions if needed.

Let me know if you have any questions.

Have a great weekend !!

Amanda Ferguson

Cyrus International
18153 East Petroleum Drive
Baton Rouge, LA 70809
225-663-0267 (cell)
225-819-0000 (work)

www.cyrusinternational.org

Accessorize to stop human trafficing

2009-02-26T19:33:00.000-08:00

I am not the most fashionable person but I like to look nice and have new stuff and be on trend. I am more on the practical side and am not the type to spend lots of money on things like accessories but this is important. This is something I not only was very willing to spend my money on, but I am asking you to spend yours on as well.

I attended my church's frilly fru fru woman's conference last year and was thrilled to see they offered products that were nice, practical, and purposeful along side the fluff. There was an organization featured that was offering products where the profits went 100% back to the ministry work. That said a lot to me.

The featured ministry is Cyrus International and they are worth checking out.

www.cyrusinternational.org

Basically the deal is this; Cyrus supports a ministry that rehabs former sex slaves by teaching them a trade to help them make a living. At the conference, beside t-shirts and such, there were these beautiful handmade purses, bags and scarves for sale. I bought a purse for $30 and ever since then have gotten compliment after compliment on my purse.

I decided maybe I could use the platforms I have to encourage others to make similar purchases and then others can learn what I have about human trafficking and tell who they know and the word will be spread and together we can make a difference. With our accessories.

http://www.in-his-steps.org/sak_saum.htm or click the title of this post.

Buy this stuff. For yourself. As gifts for others. For any reason. Buy it and show it off and tell the story of these women and children and thank God you have never been sold into slavery.

My birthday

2009-02-21T17:33:00.000-08:00

On February 20, 2009 I turned 34 years old. The night before, my love suggested I not make my own coffee because maybe someone else would want to make it for me. So I left it and went to bed and awoke to the pitter patter of little feet. I pretended to be asleep and soon the girls walked in with breakfast in bed. They had made my coffee and a bagel with butter and 3 candles in one half and 4 in the other half.They sang to me and each gave me a card they had made. The youngest had found a pink bead necklace and gave it to me and they were all super sweet and super cute.

My husband was working a day shift which meant he left at 3:30am so the girls did everything on their own. After I ate, they told me I had another surprise up front and I had to close my eyes and was lead up front to see that they had cleaned the house for me. All this before they ate their breakfast and got ready for school.

I brought the older 2 to school they went by Amy's to give her matching grills for her and I. After that I went to baby sit my Granny for a couple hours. She pooped on the potty so that was good. Amy called to ask me when I was going home and I figured something was up but had no ideas.

I got home and saw my love's truck stuck in the back yard and hoped he had just taken half a day off and was not fired. I walked in the house and Kenneth jumped out and yelled 'SURPRISE' and THEN I saw my girls!!!

YAY!! I think if the girls can miss 20 days and not fail, they should miss 19, but my love thinks they should have perfect attendance. So for him to get them out of school to be with me was awesome!! There was a card, a cake with my name on it, Gloria and Moto Moto from Madagascar 2 and Ken was not fired; he had just taken the day off and had been at his parents.
We went to lunch at my favorite restaurant (D'Angelos) and they came home to get in my bed and watch Madagascar 2. Again. During the movie, my brilliant husband tried to pull his truck out the mud with no help and my van. Then they were both stuck.

I took a little nap then started getting ready to go grab a bit to eat with my friends. It was simple and casual and awesome. I came home and my girls had stayed over at my in laws so I had a night with no little girls climbing in bed with me. Not sure if that was so great but at least I did not have to share my pillow or covers.

It was a super fantastic great day and that is totally unrelated to me getting a new top of the line Eco friendly washer and dryer. I love my family the berry mostest of all!

Where Will You Be?

2009-02-11T16:46:00.000-08:00

I am reading one of my books and it presented the thought of having an eternal mindset. Do I focus more on this life or the next? That sort of thing. As a mother with a child on the other side, maybe heaven is more often in my thoughts than others. Just a guess, I could be wrong. I do consider this life in comparison to the next and have even taught my daughters that sometimes we do things that will have no reward here on earth, but in heaven.

I was playing with the idea of where will I be when Jesus comes back and weighing the options of which would look better. I have been taking care of my grandmother and realized if Jesus comes back while I am bathing, or feeding or lifting my Granny on or off the toilet then I am good. If He catches me posting nasty flair on facebook, that will not be my shining moment.

While thinking through the possibilities from my past week or so I realized I miss God. I really miss spending time reading with Him and praying and not really 'doing' anything but seeking Him. I struggle so much with the balance of serving and doing (whatever I do for the least of these, I do for Him) and spending time with God for myself. I can not really get up earlier or stay up later and I have minutes here and there where I can read or pray but I wake up and hit the ground running to take care of people non stop. I am aware this is a season that will not last forever, but while I am in it, is it ok to not spend time with God and just show His Love to others? I will have to find time to ask Him. That is my favorite. Well, one of my favorites, even if I put Him off, when ever I turn to Him again, He is there, never to leave or forsake. That's what I'm talkin bout baby!

The twins are a year old and why I should not tell everyone

2009-01-31T08:55:00.000-08:00

I had my 2nd appointment in counselling and it was scary. I am not sure what we were talking about...maybe what kind of goals I had set or what I wanted to change and my girl asked if I wanted to stop being confrontational and aggressive. I was all 'hellllll nooo!'. Why would I want to stop that? She asked why and I spent quite a few minutes detailing why it was not a problem and how it was a good thing and people needed to get over themselves and I hated tiptoeing around sensitive people and I was doing them a favor and she dropped the WWJD bracelet into my lap.

She wanted to know if when I read the gospels, did I remember it saying anything about Jesus getting His point across like I did. SHIT. And I realized I never even told her how I use shock value all the time. I say stuff to shock the crap outta people and then am all, well you get what you get if you are my friend so don't throw a fit.

We talked about how I may be using such a tough exterior as a defence mechanism to protect myself from being hurt. If I confront first on my terms with all my ammo stocked up, not only do I feel in more control but it is easier to fight a fight I start.

So now, for like the first time I am feeling all convicted about stuff I never had a problem with before. Not only that, I can deal with that; just do not go around telling everyone the twins are now one (referring to my breast aug. that was one year ago on Jan 30th) because that is not proper, not only conviction but fear. I do not face fear often. It is either anger or aggression or extreme sarcasm laced with inappropriate humor. But almost never fear.

When I tell you the thought of dropping my aggression and confrontation sends terror through the depths of my soul I mean it is tangible. It is cold and slimy and dank and nauseating to me. I suppose that indicates a problem that may not be healthy for me. And as surprising as this sounds, I had no clue until sitting in that office next to a box of tissues.

It is not even just the fear of how to protect myself with out those things; it is who AM I without those things? I watch What Not to Wear and never understood how upset the people on the show would get about having to make changes, even though the changes were all for the better, for their good, and at the expense of others. To me it made more sense to change and I saw no reason for them to say the clothes and stuff they had to get rid of (hair, make up, whatever) defined who they were and they were afraid the new stuff would not. Well. I get it now. I not only feel safe behind confrontation but I feel it is who I am and without it, part of my identity will be lost.

I am slightly amused at how blind I was to what confrontation and aggression were to me. And while it is scary, I am willing to drop it if I can. I just hope I do not pick up something else that is worthless to keep me safe. Jesus is my Rock and my Shield. He is my Fortress and Strong tower. The Lord is my Protector and my Refuge. He is enough. Thats what Im talkin about.

A Black President & No More Meat

2009-01-24T13:51:00.000-08:00

As bad as my last year ended, the start of 2009 has really been pretty amazing. While I did not vote for Obama, I am a supporter of the President of the United States of America and also, I can not overlook the significance of electing our first black president. It was only 48 years ago that the first black student went to what was an all white school in New Orleans LA. The girl was 6 years old and in the first grade. Her life was not only threatened that day simply because of the color of her skin, but she was the only student in attendance that day. Every white child in her class was kept home by the parents because they did not want their children in the same room as a black child.

I have a 6 year old daughter in the first grade and there a lot of children in her class that I can not tell what race they are. There are also obvious white, black, Spanish & Asian children. It hurts my heart to even think of the kind of treatment that little girl experienced 48 years ago. I did not remember the inauguration until almost noon on the 20th but once I put the TV on, I watched for the remainder of the day. Once again, I surprised myself by being kinda emotional about the whole thing. Who knew I had so many feelings?!?

Today starts another big change in my world. I have a friend fighting cancer and she decided to try a vegetarian diet in an attempt to beat the disease. I offered to do it with her so she would not feel so alone. I have been telling everyone what I am doing to avoid situations like today. I told my in laws yesterday. Today I was offered sausage, a burger and chicken by them. As day one, it was easy to say no thanks but will it always be? I do need to drop a few pounds. 5 will work, 10 would be better. Lots of my clothes do not fit. Not sure if going veggie will help with that but I want to make healthier choices anyway. So, yeah, I am now a vegetarian. Meat is NOT what Im talkin bout, baby.

Cartoon Reaction

2009-01-18T15:31:00.000-08:00

I finally had my first appointment with a counselor. Bless her heart, she tried not to flip her legal pad and use a second sheet of paper for her 'getting to know me' notes but she had to end up writing very small and she was all up in the margin and every other blank space on that yellow sheet of paper.

My cartoon reaction happened when she mentioned we really needed to face the sexual abuse and assaults I faced in the past. My eyes got wide and just like in a cartoon when a huge anvil gets unexpectedly dropped on the character's foot, my eyes filled half way up with tears and started to spill down my face. I mean at the first MENTION of it. My resolve was left red and throbbing just like the cartoon foot would have been. I was surprised at myself.

Now I am kinda an all or nothing girl so as soon as my counselor shut the door, I dropped all walls and opened the vault. I am just not interested in playing games and totally believe in just ripping the band-aid off. It may hurt like a bitch but at least it is off quick. I am aware my situation is a bit more than a band-aid, more like a limb reattached with staples but whatever. Fear has never been something to hold me down.

I tried to get back to my unhealthy hatred for my mother and my counselor mentioned my reactions may be based on how the traumas changed me. So I am game for diving into that hell and know I will come out victorious. I even think I can take down a few demons along the way. God knows, I am pissed off enough.

Funny thing, my girl asked me if I had trouble making friends or in other relationships in my life. I told her I get along great with most people. I am actually very social and very much an extrovert. As long as people do not try to harm me, I am cool. It is when I feel threatened that I kinda go psycho. If I feel cornered, that is the only time for concern. But maybe that will all change. And who knows, maybe it will be band-aid quick. That's what I'm talkin bout.

The Start of Something New

2009-01-08T15:31:00.000-08:00

So 2009 has begun and it has been better than my end of 2008. I have much more hope. I hear God speaking to me which blasted the lie that He can not possibly still want someone who wishes her own mother would die. I will start counseling next week to deal with that issue and I have hope about that as well.

I got to write a verse, Matthew 8:20 to be exact, in a handwritten bible Zondervan is putting out this year and that was way cool! My older girls each wrote a verse as well. The title links to a website about that.

We had a death on my love's side of the family and it was interesting to see how all these agnostic, Methodist, catholic & Bahia people reacted to the death of a very old crotchety woman who had never been all that nice and needed a LOT of care because she was so old. Sometimes I wonder if God is disappointed that I do not 'witness' to this side of my family more. I just feel it will do more harm than good to tell them 'you are stupid for not believing in God. It is the ONLY thing that makes sense and you are going to burn in hell if you are wrong so again, it is stupid to NOT believe.' I dunno. I do not have time to beat myself up over that one.

My word for 09 is Home. I feel like I am supposed to focus on home more and be home more and make home a priority and here we are 8 days into the year and I think i have been home 1 week day so far. I also committed to sitting with my Granny a few hours a week for my Paw Paw to get stuff done and to have lunch once a week with my daughters. God never said it would be easy. Last year my word was joy. I thought that sounded great until I realized I was supposed to learn to keep my joy even when my circumstances were shit.

My love booked our Disney vacation for this year and we are stoked! Only thing is this time I am not making money like I was last time we went AND we do not have credit cards anymore so we are going to have to make some cutbacks all year to splurge for those magical 5 days in December.

I typically read tons of books at once and so far, here is my Book List:

Crazy Love by Francis Chan (actually a book club book with SCL)
Created to be his Help Meet by Debi Pearl
5 Conversations you Must Have with your Daughter by Vicki Courtney (I would love reviews from anyone who has read this)
Same Kind of Different as Me by Ron Hall & Denver Moore with Lynn Vincent

I am sure I will add more before I check any of these off but I am starting light this year so I can see how taxing this counseling stuff will be. Plus I am still working on becoming a non-profit so that needs much attention too.

So there it is. My version of a resolution. OH! And I totally plan to cuss a LOT.

Thats what Im talkin bout, baby!

Recap of 08

2008-12-30T16:16:00.000-08:00

After a couple blogs I frequent did year end recaps, I began to recap MY year. At first, thinking about my past month or so, I thought I did not want to recap, but as I began to look through the 88 posts I published this year, I realized it may be worth listing the highlights.

So here it is. 2008 experienced by daphne in one neat little blog post:

I had major surgery with even more major recovery needed including a botched boob job.
both my love and I were able to check off a goal we set last January. I will have read through the bible in a year and he finally got our credit cards under control and we NO LONGER USE THEM!
I blogged and shared my Testimony with a Moms bible study at my church and did not even get asked to leave. ; )
I discovered SCL, Twitter, & Facebook. Love all but Twitter!
Got a fab new Tat that was even in a contest that I did not win but I feel like I made the finals.
My family and I dressed as pirates and went to a Pirate Festival for Mother's Day
I followed the rise and fall of Todd Bently
I discovered archery and love it! My goal for 09 is to shoot a squirrel!
I decided cussing was fine then my pastor preached strongly against it and now I cuss almost as bad as when I was in the army. Not sure what that is about.
Wii Fit kicked my ass but then I started mastering it before the power went out for over a week and wiped the memory clean and I was too lazy to start again from the beginning.
I listened to The Last Lecture. This was his last year to give it before he died.
I celebrated the 10 year mark since my first daughter was born and died.
Our family attended a real and true family reunion and I learned about my family roots and history
My love and I learned about a kid in foster care named Leondre.
I attempted to up my efforts to go green.
With my girls almost 5, almost 7 and 9, we have had more talks about the birds and the bees and also race.
We fostered Yorkie puppies and it was hell but so fun. Like it to having a newborn but on a much lesser scale.
Gustav hit us HARD.
I splurged on a pair of high heeled Crocs and I Love Them!
Despite my aversion to Christian trends, I read The Shack and got hit below the belt with it.
My oldest discovered arm pit hair.
And finally it snowed in the deep dirty south!

Being in such a dark, cold winter season of my life right now, the snow covering the ground in Southern Louisiana was quite symbolic. I called a friend that is in her own blizzard and can handle my foul language and told her I was pretty sure we had brought down the wrath of God because the tree that the hurricane uprooted in my front yard was covered in snow.

After confirming I had not in fact missed the Rapture, I realized while things seem impossibly bad for me, this too shall pass. I may show my ass a lot on the journey and through the process but I will come out of this and I look forward to 2009. Thats what Im talkin bout, baby!!

Bles8ings

2008-12-22T19:44:00.000-08:00

My girls and I are huge fans of the TLC tv show Jon & Kate Plus 8. I have always admired the family and could see they had a faith in God despite their secular tv show. Maybe it made me like them more because instead of Jon & Kate Plus 8's Bible Verse Song Sing-a-long they chose a wider path to tell their story.

When I saw they had a book out, I asked for it for Christmas. While I was interested in the read about a family I have grown to love, I wanted a way to 'support' them as well.

As I started the book while avoiding the rage that threatened to boil over and as a way to steer clear of the bible, I was hit rather hard by the fact that God continues to speak to me no matter how hard and fast I try to run from Him. I guess Tarshish is all booked up this time of year.

I have almost no circumstances, no details to match that of Kate or even Jon Gosselin, yet page after page of the book spoke directly to what I face today. Who knows. It may even carry me to the next moment I am believing the lie that I have, despite all the power and sovernity that is God, found a way to seperate myself from His Love for me.

I say we have no sameness, but that is not really true. Just the major points of their story are not the major points of mine. But like Kate, I am a control freak who has an action plan and tons of to do lists to help me map out my life. When God's plans are different, that can be hard for personalities like ours. And while I have never really faced infertility, I remember what is feels like to believe that all my dreams had ben stolen and left me empty, betrayed and broken.

Kate mentioned Psalm 139:16 which says all of our days are fashioned for us before we even live one of them. God knew what was going to happen to me today. And He knows how I will move through this winter into more barable spiritual tempatures. I loved when Kate talked about how she reacted to her sickness during pregnancy with her twins that kept her in and out of the hospital. She felt she had paid her dues and should not have to suffer again in this way. It was not fair and she whined and complained the whole way through.

She shared about an adoption she had to walk away from that broke her heart and how knowing a decision is the right one to make, does not make the sting of the consequencs any easier to bear. Kate also shares about her many face to face confrontations with the Why me? monster. I mean, I am so sorry for all that family had to go through to get to the cute little 30 minute show we watch on tv, but I still find some comfort in the recording of her journey. Right before Kate was admitted to the hospital with the sextuplets, Jon lost his job because his company did not want to pay insurance for the family. Even after the courts admitted this truth, Jon still lost the hearing and was out of a job. That must have been horrible! We have been there, just on a much different scale. But Kate talks about how it grew them as a family and enabled Jon to be there for their twins while Kate was in the hospital for months. They realized God had a bigger plan than they could see. It felt like a nightmare at the time but in hindsight turned out to be a blessing that taught them trust in a God worthy of trust and so much more.

I am only 50 pages or so in and I have found what I need to finish today and start tomorrow. I accept the comfort my God is offering me and trust when I am next drained, He will continue to be faithful. That's what Im talkin about.

The Way Things Are

2008-12-17T12:57:00.000-08:00

I believe a good indicator of the future can be the past. Factor God in and anything can happen. I am not so cynical to believe things will never change. But I am a realist.

Right now because of a loophole, we are fighting to prove we own the home we live in. I told my love while I do believe we will get through this, something else will come up as long as my mother is alive. I believe this about sums up the Christian's life too. It must suck to not be a believer in Christ and hear that if you decide to become a Christian, things may not get better. I can say there is a difference to my trials and hardships now than there used to be. I can find hope and joy among the difficult things I face. I can find peace in knowing I am loved with a Love nothing can ever destroy. I find comfort in the fact that one day my life on earth will end and I will enter paradise.

But man, I am wasted. Just when I was getting over the holidays being traumatic, I am back to the way things are. I was talking to my mother-in-law about what is happening to us and she says she can not wrap her mind around it all. I told her I could because it is just my life. It is what I have known and what I am used to.

I tell you the difference this time; compared to 10 years ago, or even 5, the rage boils internally but Christ gives me a sliver of self control so I do not have to heap guilt and condemnation on my brokenness. The blackness of rage feels so sick as it swirls around a home Christ dwells in. It is so hard to walk into a church service, or talk to the Pastor's wife or do all the other cute little things Christians do and not let the darkness show through. Then there is the idle conversations with her about traffic and whatnot after she just said she was going back on her word and she owns everything I thought to be mine. To be honest, it is all fucking exhausting.

It matters not if we are right or wrong. It matters not what we suffer or what our children are put through. It matters not what is true or just. There is a price to pay when you sue your mother to keep your home. Especially if it leaves her with nothing in the process. On the outside, people will look at me different and on the inside, because I have daughters of my own, what it does to the inside is vile.

Hatein on Joyce

2008-12-04T21:28:00.000-08:00

I was introduced to Joyce Meyer veeery soon after becoming a Christian and have followed her ever since. It helped that my church likes her and has her over (to speak, not for a pajama party or whatever).

I bought this teaching of hers a while back even though I almost never do that. I am a reader. I can not 'get it' by listening but I watched her on TV one day and thought the teaching would be helpful to someone else in my life. Maybe my sister. Don't even remember and I never got around to giving it away. Funny, right?!? So I put it on for positive background noise while I worked like mad on my non-profit stuff and it was about the exact things I have been thinking about so here is an email to a few choice friends that resulted;

So I am listening to Joyce M because I am trying to not sit around and think of ways to make my mother disappear and I got some conviction which I guess is good because it means I can still hear Him.

She said something that pissed me off and I thought it good enough to share. She said if your life is crap (I am paraphrasing) change your thoughts and attitude. She said even if nothing ever changes and gets better or even gets worse, if you choose to think on Good, ie God and His Word, even if your life is still crap, you should feel better because of the power of the Word.

So I think to myself, Joyce is nuts. She don’t know. But then I go to read my bible reading o’ the day and it is Psalm 121 (because I have been busy premeditating murder instead of reading my bible and I am behind) and I think to myself, do I believe this or not? Not how do I feel but do I believe it is True. I say yes. So I read it a few times and thought of all my friends that I can not even encourage and support because I am in such a hole and I prayed the Truth for yall.

I may not believe Joyce or believe that things will ever get better for me or you but I still have enough faith to believe the Word is True, even if only on the other side of heaven.

Psalm 121
I look up to the mountains – does my help come from there? 2 My help comes from the LORD, who made the heavens and the earth! 3 He will not let you stumble and fall; the one who watches over you will not sleep. 4 Indeed, he who watches over Israel never tires and never sleeps. 5 The LORD himself watches over you! The LORD stands beside you as your protective shade. 6 The sun will not hurt you by day, nor the moon at night. 7 The LORD keeps you from all evil and preserves your life. 8 The LORD keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever.

Things are shit right now. Some of the things my friends are facing are vile. I hate it! I hate drug addiction and divorce and bad economies and sickness and doctors that can not heal and red tape keeping a child in an orphanage and parents that have children but abuse and I am gonna stop before I start cussing but I hate it. But I guess I still think my God is Good. And He is gonna have to be enough. Thats what Im talkin bout.

Psalm 19:14

2008-12-01T15:41:00.000-08:00

I do not feel it, I do not even really want it, but how can I deny a God Who sends me so much support and encouragement when I am at my worst?

I am still in the Word and have chosen to say out loud as often as I can Psalm 19:14 May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing in Your eyes oh Lord my Rock & my Redeemer.

Thanks to each of you for holding me up when I could not do it myself. Yall are gold.

Backsliding

2008-11-30T11:22:00.000-08:00

Since I wrote last, I have hit a wall so hard and so high I can hardly breathe from the impact. It was almost exactly 5 years ago that I found myself in this very similar situation and it hurts so bad to be back I wish for the sweet release of death. No I am not suicidal. My heart is just turning to stone. Blackness is covering my soul and my being is so filled with rage and hate that I can. not. see. straight.

My mother was always very clear that she loved me but she was also very clear that she despised all that I was. I do not know what it feels like to be mothered, to be safe, to feel cared for, to not be a burden and a disappointment. My mother in law showed me to an extent. It was way cool. But she has a granddaughter that she has raised off and on that will always have priority over me. I do not hold that against anybody. It is what it is.

My mother does not even live next door yet but her poison and venom towards me has me so sin sick I feel like I would rather eternal damnation and forever separation from a God I have loved for the past 10 years over doing His Word.

I continue to read The Word and feel the powerful Truth bouncing off of me and leaving me prayerless as I realize I am not willing to Love Him enough to do what it asks of me. I can not love my enemy. I can not pray for those who curse me. I can not bless those who hurt me. I can not turn the other cheek or forgive 70 times 7.

I understand I do not deserve to be hurt like I have but how can I say I love God and believe in the Cross when I use free will to refuse It's Power? I have heard stories and testimonies of others who have been abused much more than me and they overcame the power of sin and death in their lives. Even if they still fight it, they do not consider eternity in hell as an option over forgiveness and love.

If I were only fighting my feelings this would not be so hard. I believe God's Truth trumps my feelings and emotions. It is my actions that are the problem. I chose to say vile hateful things to the woman who gave birth to me and have no remorse for it later. I even want to do it again and hurt her more. I want her to suffer and feel pain that came from me. 10 years of trying to follow my Lord and this is where I am. Hopeless, heartless and hurting. Unable or unwilling to prove my love to my Jesus by obeying Him. Where the hell am I supposed to go from here? Where the hell. Exactly.

Home Part 2

2008-11-16T17:53:00.000-08:00

I called Mr. Florida, broke it off and told him I was not coming back. I had the temp job but needed to make a living so I tried waiting tables. If you have gotten any idea of my personality through reading me, you will understand I did not do well at that job. I could not make my bills and support my habits that way.

While still in the Army, I had began moonlighting as a stripper (again, a bit of that in My Testimony) and since waiting tables did not work out, it made sense to slip back into that situation. That job also made it easier to self medicate. It is an atmosphere that combines the sex trade with mind altering substances and illusions of control and adrenaline producing power. Oddly enough, it was my waitress job that offered drugs first. I had no reason to say no at this point in my life when alcohol was no longer enough to get me through to tomorrow.

My Gram was in a nursing home and while her house was barely standing with no heat or a/c and only half the outlets working sometimes, I stayed in her house to have some privacy but still be on the family property to help take care of things at home. I was not home much anyway and when I was it was usually to sleep off a high.

One night after the strip club shut down, another dancer and I went out looking for some X. She spotted a guy she had dated that dealt in coke but may be able to hook us up. He got us what we wanted and then began pursuing what he wanted. He started coming to the club I worked at and we started talking. I was not interested in a relationship and he said he was not either but we seemed to be drawn to each other regardless.

Within 3 months of meeting I was pregnant. I offered him an out. No strings. He wanted in and we both wanted to clean up. The baby was our reason. We could not afford his place for a lot of reasons and after much debate borrowed money from my mother to buy a trailer and set it up on her land. She had gotten a settlement from my brother's death otherwise she never would have been able to help us. I was raw and feeling maternal and thought it would be great to have my mother there for me.

She informed me she could not be because the baby was half black. But we had our start of a family and a home and my dreams were coming true in the most warped of ways. Fast forward to 5 years later and I am pregnant for the 4th time. Married now,we had paid back what we had borrowed with interest that was beyond any monetary value, not in love with living by my mother anymore but living a life with Jesus, I know it is going to be ok.

Then hell broke open. My mother split with her husband for the 5th time in 4 years and was living alone in her 4100 square foot 25 year old falling apart house. She offered it to us. I was not willing to pay her prices again. I had learned that my first pregnancy had stirred some feelings in me that made me face the realities that I did not have the mother/daughter relationship that Hallmark profits from. I begged my husband to turn down the offer but he refused saying he would make it worth it to me. He did. But we both, along with our children paid a price higher than we ever imagined.

Regardless of the difficulties that came with acquiring the house I grew up in, my love and I settled in to raise our daughters. I delivered our 4th daughter less than 3 months after we moved in and I lived each day in awe of all the beauty God created from my ashes.

A year and a half after I moved back into the very home I had run away from about 12 years earlier, hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans, Louisiana. Because we were in such a large home so far from where the storm made landfall, we were able to offer a place to stay for all my love's family who lived in NOLA. Right after Katrina, Rita hit where my sister and her love lived. She brought friends here to stay also. It was hard. We had 13 people move in with us. I had a 1, 3 & 5 year old. I had a part time job with our church. My love worked hurricane hours. But being able to offer his family, my family, our family a place to be safe made it all worth it. I knew God had called me home for this. Besides all the healing I had faced just coming back on my own, I could offer something to others I loved as well.

We had people staying with us right about 3 months before everyone began to start their lives over in various places. The next year, the other side of my family needed me. My Nanny who is my mom's sister and had lived next door all my life got cancer. She needed me, her kids needed me, her husband needed me. I was able to be there because I lived right next door. Ned died. I blogged about it a bit. I am thankful to have been here for her and her family through something so difficult for them. That was 2 years ago.

Now my mother needs a place to live. She is a bit toxic but my mother none the less. She is not happy about the terms we are asking her to live under but I can not help but believe I live here for a reason. I live where I never wanted to for God's will to be done. I have no doubt it will be difficult. It already has been. But I trust God today. Unlike 16 or so years ago when I chose crack heads and no hot water (did I mention the trailer I lived in had no hot water, ever?) over this very house. Unlike when I had no hope and no plans for a future. Unlike when I did not live loved by my Savior. I will live where I never said I would again because I know that this is not my permanent home. My True Home is being built. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.

Home

2008-11-08T14:29:00.000-08:00

I joined the Army the day after I turned 18 for a reason. I tried to join at 17 but needed BOTH parents to sign even if they were not involved. No exception unless they were dead. Unfortunately for me, they both were alive and kicking.

I moved out of my mother's at 17 into a healthier although not ideal environment. I lived in a piece of shit trailer with 3 30 something crack heads. Pun intended. It was the first time I saw grown adults crawling on the ground eating whatever was on the floor in case it happened to be a rock. That enforced my desire to say no to drugs which I held to until my resolve was broken by death. Read that story in My Testimony. Somewhere around January 08. No idea how to link.

I resolved to leave the small town in Southern Louisiana as soon as I could and vowed never to return. I knew by the time I was 18 that my drinking was out of control so collage would be a waste of money and possibly the death of me. I was interested in Law Enforcement and was told military experience helped that career. That was where I got the idea of a free ticket out of town.

I left less than a month after graduating high school for Alabama. I made it through Basic Training and began my specialty schooling to be a Military Police officer. I had my ideas for what I thought I wanted to do and I made these cute little plans in my head. Not really knowing how things usually went down, I was hit pretty hard with my orders for my first duty station.

Almost everyone got sent overseas. A few did not but were going to highly deployable units which meant they may be based in the States but got sent overseas where ever there was action. It was Saudi at the time. There was a single mother of 2 and a married guy with 3 kids that got nice little assignments but when it came down to it, we either were going to Saudi, Germany for a 3 year term or the one I got; Korea for a year. I was devastated at the time, not having a clue how good I had it.

Korea is a whole other story.

From Korea, I got a cush assignment in Georgia. I was in a relationship with someone higher in rank that knew the ropes and pulled some strings for me. I loved Georgia. I was there a while too. Maybe over 3 years. I considered staying there after I got out. But by then I was in a different relationship with a guy from Florida and the beaches were calling out to me. So when I got out of the Army, I headed to Florida to try to find a life there.

As I type I hear the Casting Crowns song playing in my head because I lived it. The one called Does Anybody Hear Her
She is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying but the canyon's ever widening in the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older and she's three more steps behind
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?Or does anybody even knows she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple with all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

She is yearning for shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching for a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming and he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason and she gives herself away
If judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her

While there was a time in my life I counted the cost of following Christ too much, I must be growing up because now the thought appals me.

So I am in Florida staying my with boyfriend's sister, knowing things will not work, yet embracing denial until it pries this newest dream out of my cold stiff fingers. I am now the ripe old age of 22 and feel old and worn out. I was dying.

This was mid-May and I found out come June, my brother was going home from collage and my sister would have the summer off from high school and I had this desire, this urge to go home and see my family. The family I ran from. The family that found a way to continue to suck me dry from across the world. I loved my siblings and knew I had abandoned them so Guilt was ingrained in me. It was me. So I went home to Louisiana for a 'visit'.

I actually enjoyed being with my siblings so much I wound up staying more than a few days. It was the first time in over 4 years we were all home at the same time. I will never thank God enough for those days because they were Joy. They were Peace. They were healing.

I had been home about 2 weeks and was at a temp job I had taken with my sister. A neighbor was opening a store and asked us to be on the opening crew. We painted, cleaned and trained the new employees. I answered the phone on June 13th and was told my brother had been in an accident and I needed to come to the hospital. I refused to let my little sister come with me and made her stay at work because I did not want her to see my brother if he looked bad.

I remember every detail of that drive to the hospital.

I arrived and told the info desk worker about my phone call. I was ushered into a tiny room that was packed with my family members. I do not remember who told me or what they said but he was dead. I screamed NO a few times then decided I needed to pull myself together for what had to be done. I said 'where is he? Where is the one who killed him?'. I was told the other driver was dead also and later found out that was not true at the time but was was soon. Good. So I did not have to kill him myself.

I realized I would need to stay in Louisiana to take care of my family once again. I cried only in the shower and slipped back into the role of caretaker like I had never left.

Change

2008-10-31T07:49:00.000-07:00

As a person who emotes almost solely in anger, I am learning to look past the surface when I get angry to see what the true issue involves. I just have so little time that surface cleaning has become a wasted effort. I almost need to go straight to soaking my heart in bleach. Or Jesus. Depending how mature I am acting on a given day.

One of my daughters is a Tinkerbell fan. I actually like the little wench myself. While goodness usually triumphs in fairy tales, Tink is not sweet and kind and is actually much more realistic than most characters. There is a new movie out about Tinkerbell and in it she is given a voice for the first time since she was introduced in 1953 in the Peter Pan movie. That made me mad. It was all I thought about during the entire movie. While my daughters are pointing out the facts of the movie that are unbiblical, I am pissed she has a voice in this movie. I realized I felt the same way when Blue from Blue's Clues was given a voice. I also remembered when I was in Korea, a girlfriend and a Korean woman convinced me I needed to get my eyebrows done.

At the time I sported a unibrow and never thought much of it. It was what it was and I do not think the skinny brow was a thing yet in the states anyway. I was so stinkin mad after my eyebrows were waxed! It looked so different I actually had people comment on it. What is different they would ask. Shut the eff up! I would yell at them and turn away. I hated it for one reason. It was different. A change.

Today I keep my brows groomed and while do not go for the super skinny brow, I feel uncomfortable when I need to let them grow out a bit before I go in for a professional appointment. Just so ya know.

I think I am mad about the movie because it is a change. Why is change so hard? Even change from a bad to a good situation is hard. I had been in many relationships that had ended and while it was always hard, the one I had the most trouble with was the one I wanted out of most. I found a way out of an abusive relationship that lasted about 3 years and even though I had wanted out for a long time, I had the hardest time letting that one go. I was appalled at my reaction and knew I not only needed out but wanted out but I had trouble functioning outside of the relationship for a long time. It baffled me to react that way and I can only think it was so hard because it was such a big change.

I love what Jon from Stuff Christians Like wrote recently about our comfort zones in post #429. Our definition of comfort is so different than God's it is truly an injustice to allow us to play the Almighty and create our own comfort zones. I want to change. I need God to change me otherwise I will not have the same attitude as Christ (Phil 2:5).

I heard a teaching on inner core pain once that said the bad has to come out in order to have room for the Love and Good that is God to go in. Maybe when I feel the anger rise up in me over a change, I can let it come all the way up and out and let it leave me so I can have room for God to equip me with the change He wants to bring to me.

I feel some changes coming in my life and I can not just allow the anger to consume me this time. I want to embrace the adventure God has called me to and trust Him to be my Comfort through whatever comes. It will not be easy but maybe it is time to drop anger as my protection and defence and accept the change that God has in mind for me. Skeery.

5 years later in the shack

2008-10-18T05:36:00.000-07:00

Since I am not generally a fan of Christians, I do not often jump on the bandwagons than seem to ride unchecked through Christianland, so when The Shack was the latest book 'ya gotta read!!', I was like, NAA.

But I have this friend, see, that somehow can talk me into stuff I am not into on my own. She talked me into a facebook account of all things! And she talked me into reading The Shack once she started reading it. I can understand why more than she realizes. It is an emotionally traumatic read that will strip you raw and then dump some salt on you.

By page 2 I was naked and shaking at the relatableness of the story. A parent who had a horrible childhood loves his kids but now lives with grief. The word imagery is an incredible description of life with grief and I find myself on my knees at the relief that someone, ANYone can understand my guts. My friend wanted someone to understand what she carried from reading this book and I get that so much. There are things I carry, we all carry, that we want someone to understand but that is not always an option.

As a human, I think it is a natural (albeit fleshy) desire to want to be understood by another human. God is my Creator, of course He understands and while that can be enough, at times, it is not. Right or wrong, it is hard to live with thousands who do not get you. Is it good and beneficial to not be understood, but I am just talking about basic carnal wants.

So the words I need to use up today are about another area of me I have never been able to share adequately. Ironically, it happened almost exactly 5 years ago.

My girls were 7months, 2 & 4. The baby and I had gone to WalMart to do the weekly shopping and my husband was 'babysitting'. Reluctantly. I had been a Christian just about 4 years and my love was still wrestling with the concept. Life was not easy then and I was still in a lot of pieces from an extremely traumatic year during the pregnancy with my youngest. I had bounced a lot the previous year between thinking it was too hard and cost too much to love Christ and knowing deep that my Savior was the only lifeline worth even reaching for.

My love faced his own demons daily and I am ashamed to say, I was not exactly fighting on his team all the time. I was on my way home when my phone rang. It was him telling me he could not find Emery. I screamed into the phone something like do not call me and say that. Do not say that to me. If you mean it you call 911. Then I hung up on him.

By the time I got home, he was outside running around and I left the car full of groceries at the end of the drive where it would sit for the next 2 days. The cops arrived soon after I did followed by fire, friends, family, neighbors and lots of emergency responders.

Nothing made sense. We had an alarm system installed recently when death threats were made against me and the girls and she was 2. Mem was not the type to wander off and Kenneth had been playing video games in the front room. Add in his extreme paranoia and someone sneaking into the house made no logical sense. Nonetheless, I slipped into crazy irrational mode.

I avoided my husband and he avoided me. I avoided the kitchen where there were knives. I was afraid if he looked me in the eyes and I could get a hold of a knife, I would try to hurt him. I had a baby on my hip that wanted to nurse and was tired and reacting to my emotions and a 4 year old by the hand that kept asking what if we never find her sister.

I remember a police officer telling me to start looking in the house for her and I began looking where ever he was looking. He shooed me out the room he was in and I just wandered around my house praying and cursing God. At times when the 4 year old would say what if we never find her I would scream at her 'do not say that because in Jesus' Name, we WILL find her' thinking He owes me that. After all I had been through, after all I had been through because of Him, how DARE He take another of my daughters.

I shudder now at my lack of fear and I shudder at His Love and grace for me for allowing me to spew my venom all over Him.

She was found an hour and four minutes after I was told by my husband he could not find her. In those 64 minutes my mind took me down many road full of horrific possibilities. I was sick that ANYone who did not love her would even touch her soft brown skin and disgusted at the idea that she may have called out for me or her daddy and felt let down. I remembered the death threats and the books I had read, movies I had seen and news stories I had watched.

I remembered thinking not her, not this one and being horrified that I even considered the thought that it would have been better to be one of the other 2 girls.

I got put on daily anti anxiety meds not long after this because some of the places my mind went were too evil to deal with while attempting to function outside of padded walls.

When she was found asleep in my bed wrapped in 3 king sized comforters, I fell to my knees. Someone grabbed the baby from my arms and the 4 year old from my side as I gave in to full blown hysteria.

I remember going into the fetal position and violently releasing everything that had held me together the last hour, maybe the last 20 years. I have no idea how long they let me go on but eventually an officer told me to pull myself together. He said 'mom you need to get up and get yourself together, you have 3 little girls who need you to take care of them'.

So I did. I dried it up, inside and out, sat up with my legs out in front of me and all 3 girls were given to me as I sat there. I did not speak and I did not move for at least a couple of hours. Kenneth was told outside and people started to clear out slowly.

I was so weak and drained I could not speak or get up but I remember some emergency responder who was a woman telling me she understood how I felt. If I had the strength, I wanted to get up and beat the crap out of her then drag her to the cemetery where my daughter was buried and slam her face in the dirt covering all that was left of my baby and ask her if she still understood me. I never even lifted my head to see her face above me. If I knew what she looked like and I saw her again, I would hate her.

Hear me when I say I am just barely scratching the surface. I remember not speaking for a day or two until everything was tucked away nice and tight on the inside as I righted my house that had been torn apart during the search. As I put things away on the outside (every cabinet and closet had been emptied) I stuffed things away on the inside too. I had little to say and just as uncharacteristically my husband had so much to say.

He does not read so I can not ask him to read The Shack after I do but I wonder if his internal closet would explode and spill it's overstuffed content at the trigger of this book.

5 years later I have grown a lot and I still have the safety net of my medication. My relationship with my husband and more importantly our God has grown and matured.

I kept looking at my Mem with her narrow beautiful features and the huge gap from her 2 missing teeth that is my favorite and remembering that for one hour and four minutes I questioned if I would ever have today. I thank God over and over that I do. And I break for those who do not.

I may need more than a weekend at my shack with my Papa. At least now, 5 years later, I trust Him enough to allow Him to help me clean out my closets.

a broken book

2008-10-10T11:46:00.000-07:00

I have been reading Jeremiah for about a week now and I have the same reaction I often do to God's chosen people.
What a bunch of sorry losers!

I mean really yall. You got to walk through the parted red sea, you have prophets to tell you what to do and not do. The terms seem easy to understand; follow God and be blessed or don't and die.

I know. Why I have not been struck by lightening is beyond me.
I guess I just can not get away from conflict and confrontation.

I have been praying for increased conviction and to let go of control and to trust God. Ballsy, I know. I am what I am.

The problem is, I am being called out. As I read Jer. 16:10-13, I wondered if God ever thought that about me?

16:10 "When you tell the people all these things, they will ask, 'Why has the LORD decreed such terrible things against us? What have we done to deserve such treatment? What is our sin against the LORD our God?'
16:11
Tell them that this is the LORD's reply: It is because your ancestors were unfaithful to me. They worshiped other gods and served them. They abandoned me. They did not keep my law.
16:12
And you are even worse than your ancestors! You stubbornly follow your own evil desires and refuse to listen to me.
16:13
So I will throw you out of this land and send you into a foreign land where you and your ancestors have never been. There you can worship idols all you like – and I will grant you no favors!

I have all 66 books of the bible to guide me but I still am blind in so many ways.
One example? Well, instead of asking God to give me a healthy relationship with my parents, I try to just get by with niceties and hope they die sooner than later. Sad, but true.

I think God is asking me to love my mother and maybe even become a little vulnerable with her and I would almost rather be taken into captivity by Babylon.

If I do not yield to and obey the Holy Spirit's leading in my life, my soul can not be conformed to the image of Christ which will keep me from carrying out His purposes.
I may as well just set up a statue of buddha.

I know me loving and possibly supporting my mother will not go over well with those who love me and know the risks but the Word also says in Jer. 15:19 that I am to influence them and not let them influence me. Or the Holy Spirit in me anyway.

Sometimes I wish I had a prophet that would come over and scream at me and tell me what to do. That is just how I like to roll.

Arm Pit Hair

2008-10-04T12:21:00.000-07:00

My oldest will turn 9 this month. Her little breast have started budding and this week we found arm pit hair. Mercy.

I was 9 when I got my period. (sorry men.)
You hear so often how fast your children grow up but sometimes it is hard to see the forest through the trees. 9 is pretty much a half way mark. 9 years down and I have 9 left to parent my daughter and equip her for life and the world.

Have I done enough? She is a great kid but she does not read her bible daily or want to be a missionary in a foreign country. Not having any kind of parental example to follow and becoming a Christian later in my life I am unsure about so much.

I easily get overwhelmed by the complexity of the Christian subculture I live in. I have so much to work on myself and so much to pray about between all the people I know about that need prayer, it can consume me to the point of not serving. I can serve so much and so hard I get sucked dry and to the detriment of my spiritual health.

Here is where I hold on to; Love. 1 Corinthians 13:13 says the greatest is Love. I know Christ loves me no matter what I have done, am doing or will do. I feel the same for my girls. I may not deal the right way with arm pit hair but I will love the crap outta my girls. That has to count for something. That must count for a lot. I know My Father's Love for me is enough.

So I bought her pink shaving cream and pink razors and helped her shave her pits. I also reminded her this was a sign of her growing up and we talked again about what is to come. She asked for some books to read on getting her period so I went to the library and got her some.

I never thought arm pit hair could be so provoking for me. Who knew?

The Freedom I long for

2008-09-27T11:04:00.000-07:00

If this year ends and I am not living freer than I was at the beginning of the year, I think that is a problem. I have no good excuse to stay in bondage when I have been given the Truth that will set me free.

I have started sleeping with my house temp. set at 77 which is NOT an even number or a multiple of 5. I have let go of that control. I also do not even look at the digital dial as I lower or raise the volumn on my radio. I just turn until it sounds good. More freedom.

While I am a firm believer that you never can know how you will react in a situation you have never been in before, after my Pastor raised the question 'what would you do if you knew Jesus would be coming to your house in one hour?', I felt my answer was pretty free. I would need to clear some places for people to sit, I would chill some wine and I would invite over people who need some Freedom Jesus as much as me. I would not want to lock up my kids or clean house or cook or change my clothes. I am ok with who I am and while I know I need improvements, I feel free to be who I was made to be without apology.

I was praying on the toilet this morning (my children have a rule to not ask me a thing while I am on the toilet so I throw up popcorn prayers there) and I prayed how I talk. I cussed in prayer. Not like 'Come the F on, Jesus, bless the sh!t outta me, Man!' but real me. The free me. The slightly angry, defensive, lover of my Savior, tryin my best me.

I was tempted recently to follow a posting trend to come clean about my faults and shortcomings but I just did not think that was the direction I needed. There is value in confessing your sins 'one to another' but I would just rather focus on where my freedom takes me today and where I want to try and go tomorrow.

Tomorrow I want to be able to listen to some slamin older favorite music and not flash back to swinging naked around a pole for money. Tomorrow I want to be free to forgive my loved ones that hurt me daily every. single. time. Tomorrow I want to take down another layer of defence and not want to fight for a change. Tomorrow I want to rest & be still and not keep looking over my shoulder. Tomorrow I want to be freer than I am today, no matter what it costs.

Thats what Im talkin about, baby.

Mark 7:24-30

2008-09-21T19:35:00.000-07:00

Mark 7:24
Then Jesus left Galilee and went north to the region of Tyre. He tried to keep it secret that he was there, but he couldn't. As usual, the news of his arrival spread fast.
7:25
Right away a woman came to him whose little girl was possessed by an evil spirit. She had heard about Jesus, and now she came and fell at his feet.
7:26
She begged him to release her child from the demon's control.Since she was a Gentile, born in Syrian Phoenicia,
7:27
Jesus told her, "First I should help my own family, the Jews. It isn't right to take food from the children and throw it to the dogs."
7:28
She replied, "That's true, Lord, but even the dogs under the table are given some crumbs from the children's plates."
7:29
"Good answer!" he said. "And because you have answered so well, I have healed your daughter."
7:30
And when she arrived home, her little girl was lying quietly in bed, and the demon was gone.

I enjoyed church today. The set up was Pastor asking if we were told Jesus would be coming over to our home in about an hour, what would we do. I think I would put a bottle of wine to chill. I would not really worry about cleaning up because that would be hypocritical and He is Jesus. It is not like He does not know how my house often looks. I would clear some places for Him to sit and wipe down the table in case we sat there. No reason to get syrup all over Jesus.
I may also make beer bread. Because it is so fast and easy and it is fresh, hot bread.

So back to the verses in Mark. The woman was not only a Gentile and a woman, but was of mixed races, which made her even more undesirable. You gotta love a mom that risks going to a distant land that does not welcome her. Then Jesus calls her a (female) dog. *giggle*

It was shocking what Jesus said to her He but He wanted to see if she was for real. She was quick and persistent. She did not care what Jesus called her as long as her daughter got help. If she had gotten offended, she would have been no use to her daughter.

See, that's the kind of mom I want to be. No matter what names I get called, no matter if I am not accepted, no matter if I am not 1st choice, I never want my feelings to control my destiny. I do not want to get offended about something that is temporal and lose a miracle for anyone in my family.

I just thought it was a cool picture of a mom that I could relate to and a great lesson to remember.

The Good, the Bad...and the Bitchy?!?

2008-09-20T13:48:00.000-07:00

My oldest has a birthday coming up and we are planning a cupcake party. We will decorate cupcakes, play pin the cherry on the cupcake and have a cupcake eating contest.

She requested a cupcake t-shirt and we went on line and found some AWESOME ones that were a million dollars (that means 20ish in my world) and some $8 ones at Target. It said on the website they had them in the store so I went to Target.

While I did not find the t-shirts at all, (here comes the GOOD!) I found CUPCAKE bath & body products for .25 each! They have body wash, glitter lotion, lipgloss, bath salts, etc. It was perfect!!!

Here comes the bad, altogether I spent $65 on clearance items.

ANNND, the bitchy. I am in the check out line and look down at about where my 2 little ones would be eye level and there is a magizine that says 'How to be just bitchy enough'. Look right on the cover girl's left boob. Yep. Thanks Target.

Maybe I can blame them for the fact that my youngest is out playing in the rain singing 'Its raaaiiiining, its whooooorrrrring'.

Thats what Im talkin bout, bitches!

Im Blue/Abba dee abba dii abba dee abba diiii

2008-09-18T10:38:00.000-07:00

So my mom's yorkie had 4 pups and she moved and could not take the parent and 4 pups to her new place so my newly widowed uncle next door took them but during the hurricane I realized he can still hardly take care of himself so I took the 2 pups that were not sold when they weaned off the tit.

Today we found the little girl's mouth was blue. No. Idea.

I married a dog lover.

Romans 8:1

2008-09-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

I became a Christian while pregnant with the daughter that will turn 9 next month. I was about 25 I guess. Those 25 years before were chock a block full of some dirty, nasty, freaky sin. I even went through a phase where I purposely tried to rebel & sin against God. So when I became a Christian I had to accept some heavy grace. I had to set my mind on the Truth that Jesus loves me despite what I have done and He has made me so fresh and so clean and now I am a new person all together. No matter what happens, I will never deny that Christ loved me enough to take on every one of my sins and pay the full price for them until death. I have that Truth in a death grip that whitens my spiritual knuckles because I need that to survive.

Because I can hold on to that Truth, I find it easy to tell people who are battling guilt that there is no condemnation for those of us in Christ. I figure, He can forgive me, He can forgive you and us wallowing in that muck will do nothing but keep us from doing His will. Looking back keeps us from moving forward so leave that shit behind and let's GO!

So why am I now camped out in condemnation? The title of this post links to some pics of the aftermath of Ike. Galveston Island is where my love and I 'honeymooned' back in '99. I was pregnant with the oldest (NOT the first, we married between the 2).

There is a couple at our church campus my love and I like and they just got power back this weekend. Almost 2 effing weeks without power!!! There are people around here (my neighbor included-posted a pic of his house in an earlier post) that sustained serious damage! Our insurance company finally made it out yesterday and chances are, our damage costs will not exceed our deductible which means out of pocket because it is so minor. Then I look at what Ike did to Galveston and I want to cry.

I want to cry and I am so pissed I was such a baby about my 5 or 6 days without power! I think Katrina and Rita was easier for me because of how much my family sacrificed. We moved 10 people in from Katrina and 3 more for Rita, most of which were here almost 3 months. My girls were 1, 3 & 5 and we gave up their bedrooms and all 5 of us stayed in my room. It was hard. I also was able to reach out to other families affected and even offered childcare, friendship and practical support to some strangers that evacuated here and knew no one. I loved on people at church and prayed for people. Basically I did some works that alleviated my guilt for not losing anything other that some privacy at home.

I do recognize my reaction to our loss of power and water was probably so strong because I felt so out of control. I am really starting to see how much I try and control and how directly related my emotional well being is connected to it. I think I need to go back and face a little more of the abuse I experienced and maybe I can learn to trust God a little more. I want to learn how to let Him be in control and let go of it myself.

Can I just say I totally do not get that whole 'let go and let God' saying. What the hell does that mean? How in the world do I do that? When people say that I just get angry because I can not process that. Show me. Tell me in a step by step process. Lay it at the cross. That's another one. The hell? What?!? I do not GET THAT! Where is the translation for people like me? Seriously. You may as well tell me it smells like the color nine.

So if you read this, please pray for those affected by Gustav and Ike. And pray for me to let go and let God. That's what Im talkin bout.

You know you are from Louisiana when...

2008-09-11T12:24:00.000-07:00

you wear high heeled crocs! Yes. I know. But it makes sense now. See, when they first came out I remember thinking NEVEERRRR!

They were ugly, more than I like to pay for shoes and they were ugly. I heard they were comfortable but as much as I love comfort, they are ugly.

So then I realized that young children can put them on by themselves and if they accidentally tee tee on them selves, you can just rinse the shoes off!

Brilliant! All my girls got a knock off pair.

They were everywhere! Women wore them to church even! Now, usually they were the ones with the sparkly diamondy things in the holes so they were 'dressy'.

My aunt that lived next door wore them and when she passed away, I inherited my first pair. I loved her a lot and wore them often around the house. They were perfect for walking the girls to and from the bus, putting the trash out, burning trash, cutting grass. LOTS of things! They slipped on and off easy. You can wear them with or without socks and when they get wet or dirty it was no big deal! And they were comfortable.

Still, I never left the house with them on, well, not on purpose anyway.

Then we went on vacation with my sister and her husband and she had croc flip flops. They were not that cute (not ugly really but not that cute) but WOW they were the most comfortable flip flops I ever wore PLUS they can get wet and clean up so easy!

Still, for the money, they had to be something I would want to wear out the house which they were not. Until now!

I found these cuties and they are so berry comfortable and I can wear them outside without worrying about the weather or where I am walking. I can even walk the acre and a half gravel driveway toting the trash cans in them. Perfect for southern Louisiana!

That's what I'm talkin bout baby!

ps..that is my love's feet in the first pic with mine and yes, he is wearing 2 different flip flops. He could not find their matches. Next I am buying the Lenas for my winter pair.

Better is one day in His Courts

2008-09-07T15:50:00.000-07:00

I was able to go to church today. I was not sure how that would be because my church has been serving the community and being the hands and feet of Jesus like crazy and I could hardly take care of myself.

Only a few cords into the first worship song and my world was made right. As soon as I turned my face towards my God, the grime and guilt for not being impossibly perfect washed away as easily as the dirt and sweat did during my first shower after 3 days with no water and power.

So many people that I looked at as powerhouses for God said some of the same things I did. A friend even confessed in a hushed tone that she only made it through each night because she was taking Zanex and was concerned she was addicted.

I laugh at her addicted and told her I drank at night hoping to usher in sleep and when that did not work, I chased the alcohol in my bloodstream with strong coffee until the 2 drugs mixed and countered and fought against each other until I added more of one or the other in a crazy dance that had no real rythem.

Everywhere I went, the conversations revolved around one fact; power. Do you have power? When did you get power? Who do you know that has power? I go to a megachurch and during service we were asked to raise our hands if we had power back. Only about 40% of us did. Then those who did not have power were asked to raise their hands and to look around the massive sea of hands raised was almost like getting hit in the stomach. This would be day 7 for them. My mother and brother are included in this group.

I alternate between walking around without turning on the lights because after the first 2 days when you keep flipping switches and getting nothing you learn to stop, and turning on anything and everything whether I need it or not.

Here I was trying to go green and most of the time now, that is all out the window. I turned on 4 lights to make my coffee this morning. Absolutly no need but it is almost like I am trying to make up for the light I missed out on. I turned the a/c lower than I normally have it on and I tried to make brownies on the stove (damn you Pancake Puffer!!!) and told my daughters I could not do it because the heat was making me angry. Then I put them in the oven and forgot to set the timer and burned the crap outta them. So sad. Burned brownies is sad.

I saw a friend who is a counsiler and asked when the PT SD support group was and she was like, yeah, we all need that! At least I am not alone in my crazy. I know I was up close and personal with Katrina but I did not loose everything I owned. Good thing because this experience may very well have been harder for me. I am starting to feel a little back on track though and at least now I remember that better is one day in God's court than a thousand elsewhere.

Gustav

2008-09-04T19:22:00.000-07:00

small tree down across my driveway
lots of work for my pool boy
this is what it looks like under a tree

Tree on and through neighbor's home. They had evacuated.

Pecan tree uprooted in my front yard.
Tree snapped in my back yard. I walked out my back door almost into the tree

The pictures do not come close to capturing the power...

I went out during the height of the storm and the wind was moving me where it wanted me. It was insane.

The View 3 Hours from Home

2008-09-04T07:16:00.000-07:00

Perspective. I must like the word. I use it often. I feel it is educational to see things from another view. I teeter between the prideful/humble thought that my perspective is not possibly the only way or the right way.

I recently began fasting on Mondays for the orphans everywhere and as my flesh curses my will, I remind myself my slight hunger pains in perspective to what some African orphans feel must be a joke.

I lasted 3 days at home with no power and water before I left. 3 days, only 2 nights, and still I fought panic attacks, pity parties, whining, complaining, not to mention I got drunk.

I drove 3 hours to my sister's home and am so pissed at how the people here are acting. I know Rita got Lake Charles good. I see the PT SD rage through people around New Orleans at the mention of a serious hurricane. I had Rita victims move into my home so I am sure that is here too. I am just frustrated that everywhere I go in this town people talk about how bad they have it. Limited menu at McDonald's, delayed delivery trucks at grocery stores, the inconvenience of having to evacuate for the day the storm hit. They have power! They have water! And supplies and gas!

At home people lined the shoulders of the roads for MILES to wait H.O.U.R.S. to be allowed to fill gas cans only. Not you tank to your vehicle but the small portable gas cans. Friends and family that are not getting paid as they sit home with no power can not keep filling their generator with gas when no paycheck is coming in even though we are being told it will take weeks to get power back.

Then I realize what I ran from is better than the best days some of the children I pray for have. My heart breaks as I think of mothers trying to offer their babies comfort as I tried to offer mine in the heat and in the dark. My heart breaks that my weaknesses and sin surfaced so fast in the slight trial we are facing. My heart breaks that only now as I sit clean and in a house with A/C in front of a computer drinking my gas station coffee that I get the idea to look up. To look up to where my Help comes from and see a different perspective.

I am still tired, physically and emotionally. I feel like once I get a little more sleep, a little more coffee, a little more of my meds and spend a little more time with Jesus reminding me He will forgive me for being such an ass and He loves me anyway, I will be ok. I mean I am ok. I am better than ok. I can just be better. I can change my perspective.

Leandre, Lord

2008-08-30T15:50:00.000-07:00

Today my love and I attended an adoption workshop our church put on. My husband was still saying 10 years but I just prayed for both of our hearts to be wide open to whatever He had to say to us.

I will be honest. I did not really feel we belonged to this group. Not that I felt we were out of place exactly, but our hearts were going in a slightly different direction. I mean, we have had a family and did not have a desire left unfilled like some couples facing infertility and such. We got pregnant 4 times in 5 years and have done the newborn thing and while we would do it again in a heartbeat if a child fell into our laps, I just did not feel our desires were quite like those of the other families there.

Kenneth and I are both more interested in the foster care system and that was not touched on as much as I hoped it would be. I was very glad to be there and felt Kenneth was too even though we had circumstances that could have made it difficult. My love is not one that can be dragged along to pursue a passion of mine without silently protesting louder that a two year old's temper tantrum. He seemed to want to be there as much as I did. It was time well spent together but as we gathered our things to leave, I had no new direction to take my prayers.

There was a display in the back of all these profiles of kids in the foster system that needed homes and I have no good reason for not going look. The display had recently been featured at church and I missed it then also. It was information I had hoped for but never went after so when it was time to go, I said 'wait, let me go look at the profiles first'.

My love had already looked and said so. I said well now I need to. He said see if you can figure out which one I want. I said if I do, can we have that child? He said SURE because there were so many to choose from the odds were STACKED in his favor. You know where this is going. I picked the exact child he did.

His name is Leandre and he is 6 years old. He loves Cheetos and hopes to have a puppy one day. I have no idea what this means. If nothing else, that child will be prayed for like he is mine.

Now my love who said 10 years this morning said if the youngest was 8, he would take him in a second. That is in 4 years. 6 years sooner that his original plan. He also said a few other things that got my heart racing.

Now as I prep my home and family for the hurricane, I wonder where Leandre is. I wonder if storms scare him and if he has been hugged today. I wonder who will tuck him in tonight and if he will wake tomorrow smiling.

I took a profile of his and there is a number on there to call but I do not think I can yet. Until my love tells me to bring him home, I can not do more than pray. There are too many children that will not be hugged today or tucked in tonight or wake up smiling and my heart can not handle that. So for now I pray for Leandre. And all I can say is Leandre, Lord. Leandre, Lord. Leandre, Lord.

Again, I do not know what this means but I do not believe in coincidences and all my spirit says over and over is Leandre, Lord! That is my new direction. Leandre, Lord.

It's Just Another Manic Monday

2008-08-25T07:49:00.000-07:00

Recently my pastor featured a couple at church and the wife has a http://www.thewardrobeandthewhitetree.com/ blog.

I decided a couple years ago to face some sexual traumas from my past and I began blogging my way through that insanity. I had all this crap to get out but did not want to share my ugliest demons with anyone I had to look into the eyes so I blogged and assumed no one read. I assumed that because I had never found a personal blog I would like to read. Once I posted a comment on our church blog and a good friend of mine informed my dumbass that a comment would link directly to my blog. ERASE!! Eventually I started a less XXX-rated blog and was emailed a link to Stuff Christians Likestuffchristianslike.blogspot.com. I wish I knew how to make the words be a link but as noted earlier, dumbass on the keyboard. I would respond and a few people checked me out and thus begins my blog addiction.

I am now interested in reading other blogs so when my pastor mentions this woman has one, I looked her up. She is cool but I do not want to respond to her blog because she was featured by my church. I am not as much of a dumbass as I was in all things blog so I just figured her blog is getting lots of church attention right now and I am attempting to NOT be center of attention in my church because that does not often turn out how I expect and is often a painful lesson in humility.

So this featured woman links to another blog and this is where my point (and title link) come in!! *WOW, I can spiderweb!! It is a gift.*
I go to this other blog and she is talking about fasting on Mondays for the orphans. I am so in!!
Here is why, one thing I want to do this school year is fast more often and more regularly. Also I need to lose 10 pounds because my clothes do not fit and I like pants with buttons on them.

Also, for whatever reason, orphans have been on my heart a lot. In this way;

I came up with a God sized dream that was about helping orphans
my church called me and interviewed me about my dream (WT...! Of course I spiderwebbed the hell outa my dream and the lady was done with me and I had never gotten back to my original point so not sure how that will turn out)
I committed to 40 days of Prayer with Children's Cup, all for the orphans and stuff relating
my husband and I are attending an adoption seminar this weekend (WHAT?!? That is GOD people!!)
The first mentioned blog is kinda orphan related and then the fast on Mondays thing
I got a letter from the child we sponsor through Missions of Mercy
I am hurting more over the daughter I lost. It is intensified and I feel it is related

I dunno, I just do not believe in coincidences. It is a lot of focus in one area for me. I am excited to see where this goes.

If you are interested, click the title of this post to find the blog that started the idea. I feel something supernatural around me. Like anticipation and excitement or something. Come on in boys, the water's fine!

The number 4

2008-08-23T13:00:00.000-07:00

I am not that great with numbers. My girls have even been known to say things like 'mom is not that good at math'. Also I have that weird thing with numbers I can see being even or a multiple of 5. Then all alarm clocks (which I hate and are of the devil) must be set on odd numbers. Then there is the number 4.

Middle child actually has a birthday on the 4th and she is the non-official favorite if such a thing were allowed without CPS being called and if the other 2 were grounded enough in my love to not need therapy later in life. Anyway, her birthday is the 4th and that is a weird dynamic because it is the very same birthday as my mother. My mother turned 50 the day I had a baby and I chose that induction date because she wanted it that way but I almost feel like I will pay for it the rest of my life. Middle child is the sweetest thing ever in the whole wide world. God still reigns.

Sometimes the number 4 hits me like a soccer ball to the bagina and knocks me on my ass. That is what happened yesterday. I have 4 daughters. But I do not get to be a part of the 'I have 4 children club'. There are only 3 car seats (boosters) in my van, 3 pair of pink cleats littering my kitchen floor, 3 kisses goodnight, 3 different voices saying my name.

Sometimes the number 4 hurts. And sometimes it just represents.

Every year my oldest has been in soccer, I have made a t-shirt to wear to games. Avery's Biggest Fan or Avery's Soccer Mom. This year all 3 are playing. I have been trying to decide what to do because I need a shirt for all 3. My love calls me from work to say he found a deal online and is getting me a professional shirt this year! I am stoked as we talk about options. We decide on Team Haynes and some other things and he asks if I know what my number will be. I take a guess and with a touch of pain in my voice (from getting slammed in the croutons earlier) I say I guess 5 because that is how many we are. My love says, "No. Your number is 4".

Oh, that man knows my heart! DAMN!

My Father knows it too. Sometimes 4 hurts and sometimes it represents. That's what Im talkin bout BABY!

The End

2008-08-21T10:26:00.000-07:00

So for the last 3 nights the Oldest has had some confession to make. It seems she was sword fighting a boy with a pencil and had lied the previous 2 days about the details of her offence.

I am so disappointed she did not trust me with the truth and she lied. And lied. And lied..

Really, I could care less about the trouble she got in. I just do not get why she did not trust me with the truth. I can even understand lying. I mean I struggle with telling the truth and I am an adult. But she lied to me.

I want her to trust me and I think she needs to be punished for lying so much. My husband does not agree.

This sucks.

She is taking it pretty hard and I am glad. I pray my children can not tolerate sin in their lives. I still feel my prayers are being heard and answered. This just hurts my pride. Which I guess can be a good sign. I do not want to raise up my children in the way they should go so I can be admired as a great parent. It should be for God's glory.

Looks like we both need to move our pin.

Update

2008-08-19T16:56:00.000-07:00

She did not do it! She chickened out and did not even give the teacher the note. Knocked me off my high horse right quick. Now I gotta punish her and talk to the teacher and it was supposed to all be over by now. CRAP! CRAP CRAP CRAPP!

Heavy Hearted

2008-08-19T06:42:00.000-07:00

It is with a heavy heart I sent my oldest into the world today, equipped with a pack of tissues and an encouraging note full of scriptures to stand on.

I do not claim to be a great parent but I feel I do a decent job considering the facts that when I was not raising myself, the verbal and mental abuse I suffered made me crave the streets and/or alcohol. I try hard, that is for sure. I do my best to educate myself with parenting books and teachings. I ask advice from women I admire in the area of motherhood. I beg my God to help me not screw up too bad. And I love hard. My love for my girls is fierce, almost an angry love. All my 'feelings' include anger, a defence mechanism I am working on. I know I love them enough to give my life for them and even more, to do what is right by them. Even when it hurts.

Kenneth and I actually had a situation with the youngest recently and I told him I was clueless. Despite all my studies I was not sure how to handle the daughter that is so like me. I often remember how traumatic the pregnancy for her was. It was one of the hardest times in my life. It was insane what I went through while she was in utero and on occasions I think she may need some sort of deliverance exorcism Holy Ghost smack down but to be honest, I am too fearful to even go there.

I recently listened to a teaching on inner core pain and how it has to come out and be replaced with Love and I have this vision of becoming vulnerable and letting my walls down and releasing that pain and if anyone were there that was a seer, they would see demons. Yeah. Deep shit. So what do I do? White knuckle it and keep my secrets and pain to myself. It is better to keep my demons secret that to risk people knowing what I really live with. Pretty effing stupid, I know.

So last night the oldest says she needs to tell me something. She is crying and I know her. This will take hours. She, like her daddy, has trouble expressing herself in words when deeply troubled. Basically, she had a sub. who told her to move her pin for shaking her pencil. This is a child who has NEVER in all of pre-school OR 3 years of primary school ever had to 'move her pin'. Her teachers adore her, her subs usually adore her and see me in the school and run up to me to tell me how great she is. Considering the history of this child and my angry emotions, I think 'how dare that bitch!'.

I ask oldest child to show me exactly what she was doing with her pencil and if the teacher was upset. Was the entire class giving her a hard time? Did a lot of people have to move their pins? It did not make sense to me. Then she tells me she asked a question that took a while to be answered and by the time she was done with the question, she forgot to go move her pin. Now by this point, much time has gone by so I say you have to tell the teacher what happened. But I knew the teacher did not have this much time to invest so I suggest we write the teacher a letter. We do and I think it is over and put her to bed and it is not long before she is back in my room crying because she was not honest with me. She did not forget, she just did not want to move her pin. So we have to re-write the letter to be more truthful and deal with more snot and tears and prayer.

I so wanted to tell her, let's just keep the story about forgetting because this is getting exhausting. I seriously considered it but just as my daughter could not sleep on her sin, I could not condone it either. While she knew she had to do the right thing, she wanted me to do it for her. I wanted to do it for her! I want the teacher to let her off the hook for being honest and because the original offence seems stupid to me. So what if she was shaking her pencil! Give her a warning if you have some sort of whacked hang up about shaking pencils but do not mar my daughters perfect record and cause her emotional distress you CRAZY PSYCHO SUB! LET'S TAKE THIS OUTSIDE BECAUSE YOU MUST WANT TO FIGHT!

The oldest does not go to this class where it all went down till after lunch. This will be a long day. Anticipation almost paralyzes my oldest. I dare say the day will be almost as hard for me as it will be for her. What I have going for me is increased faith that my prayers are heard and answered because I pray for them to not be able to tolerate sin. If this is any indication of what kind of person she will be, my fears that my children will make mistakes like I did are vanished. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.

How I am Saving the Planet

2008-08-12T13:08:00.000-07:00

When I was in highschool, my contrabution to saving the planet was a bumper sticker on my car that said 'Save Water, Bathe with a Friend'. That and I used o.b. tampons.

Now that I am a grown up with children that need a nice planet to live on, I have started trying to find ways that I can go green since I no longer have a uterus and that bumper sticker may or may not be appropriate.

One of the things I have done that takes a bit of a commitment is to purchase some recycled totes to shop with instead of paper or plastic. They were a dollar each and I bought 4, figuring one for each of the girls and me. Plus, I think I just had a five dollar bill and had to factor in tax. The cashier that sold them to me said she thought they should have been free but I felt it a good investment.

My church serves coffee in paper cups but from now on, I will bring my own mug each week. I did it last week and they were cool with it since it is to save the planet our God created and all.

The other thing I have done is my favorite. I now tivo Battleground Earth (title links to the show site)! Being an ex-rocker, I very much enjoy watching Tommy Lee from the Crue and while I have never been a fan, Ludacris is very easy to look at. I have only seen one episode so far but I am COMMITTED and plan to watch them all! I do it because I care.

You're welcome.

How missing my kids reads

2008-08-08T09:47:00.000-07:00

aka..how crazy I am. So my older two girls started school today and I am trying to clean my nasty house (and by nasty I mean I do not blame the roaches for blogging about the all you can eat buffet at my house) and I saw some gum I bought for my girls and this is the thought process I had;

I hate gum. Gives me a headache. Unless I am taking X and there are no girls to kiss. Then it is good.
I wish my girls could take a pack of gum to school to remember I love them and buy them gum.
Remember that bitch who wrote me up in the 4th grade for eating candy at school that time? (candy, not gum but whatever)
If my girls ever get in trouble for something stoopid I will prolly buy them more gum.
That and I will want to fight the teacher that wrote them up.

Unfortunatly I am serious. I ran into the teacher that wrote me up for candy after I had grown up and was an adult and had children of my own and the entire time I am talking with her I am thinking 'really bitch? It was a stoopid peice of candy!'. Sorry for the excessive use of the word bitch for the 3 of you who read here. Gum makes me say bitch a lot.

So now I am all anxious about anti-gum/candy bitchy teachers who will try to hurt my children and I feel the need to get out my punching bag or box on wii fit because I am all angry even though my girls have no gum/candy paraphernalia on them.

When they get home I will hug them and give them gum and tell them not to worry about mean people ('bitches' in my head) because I got their backs and they can have all the gum they want.

The Birds and the Bees

2008-08-07T17:38:00.000-07:00

Did I blog this? We read Superfudge this summer and after telling the older 2 how babies were made I got a book from the library detailing and illustrating the point. Not being able to leave the youngest out, I read it to her also.

There are times in my marriage when I am pretty sure my husband totally disagrees with me about something but he is just not into confrontation. I think this is one of those issues. He made another comment today and the book is already returned after a 2 week stay at our home.

I think I am right. SURPRIZE! I think my girls need to know the truth so when they are confronted with lies they will be equipped. Unlike I was. Ooohh. Am I projecting? I started my period at 9 and thought I was dying when pressure did not stop the bleeding. My mom did not know till I was 13. I want open lines of communication. I think my husband just does not want to deal with girl things or all things sex because he does not want to think of their sexuality on any level. My thoughts are what can I do to give my daughters a healthy view of sex and let them know we can discuss anything and everything.

We had a last day of summer family fun day. Well, we were supposed to anyway. Some certain male in our family did not soo much enjoy our idea of a fun day (window shopping at the mall). It is funny. I think he would rather me spend all his money that force him into quality time situations. Speaking of money. I so very much will one day spend $50 plus on a pair of high heeled crocks. I wanted them so bad today but I am an adult. They were like sex for my feet. If you like sex which I do.

I should have bought the shoes. Not only is it the last day of summer for my older 2 but football has started. At least my feet could be having sex.

40 days of prayer and perspective

2008-08-05T16:52:00.000-07:00

Recently I was asked to share a dream of mine. Something big that was beyond myself. I dream of a clean house and freedom from debt and a retirement plan in Orlando with a part time job at Disney World (THE happiest place on earth! Seriously. The church can learn a thing or two from Disney). I was asked about a dream beyond what I could do. Something God inspired.

So here goes. I dream to visit orphans in Africa (specifically Mozambique where we have a church plant) with my entire family to do missions work. Like, for a year. I know. My husband hates to fly, to work hard, to not have all modern conviences within arm's reach, to sweat and to be face to face with things that may invoke feelings. My children are 4, 6 and 8 and cried for their own beds after 3 nights in a posh Disney suite. We have a mountain of debt (Matthew 17:20). I can hardly stay saved around my mother. I know. It is a God sized dream. And since He reigns and all...

And listen. I understand how long a year is. I am not trying to set a time limit but I just do not feel a 6 day mission trip to anywhere other than Orlando is where my heart is. I was in the Army. While my best friends were getting drunk at Senior Frogs in Cancun, I was getting up before 4am to get screamed at while I ran agabazillion miles with a ruck on my back almost as tall as me and only about 50 pounds lighter than me. I was shipped straight out of basic training to Soul, Korea at 18 years old without even a pair of underwear that was not basic issue.

I understand what it is like to not understand the main language spoken and shove a wad of foreign money at shop keepers and pray they do not screw me too bad as they take 'what I owe' for my purchases. I understand how after a while, the thought of an Exxon gas station or a WalMart can make a person cry from a new level of homsickness. I am just an all or nothing kinda girl.

My family sponsors a boy named Tokozoni through Mission of Mercy and it makes me a little sick as I sit at my 19 inch hot pink Dell loptop shoving a buttered toasted bagel (breakfast for supper night) in my overweight mouth but I try not to go there. I cant really. I just thank God for the geographical grace He gave my family to be a 'rich American family' and join in on things like Children's Cup's Forty Days of Prayer. And I dream.

Pray with me. Dream with me. Let's move some mountains.

Ps..that child belongs to us. It is the middle child at about one year old on a day her daddy was in charge. *giggle*

The Sneak Attack

2008-07-31T14:09:00.001-07:00

So middle child has had 2 loose teeth all summer. Oldest finds a slight wiggle in her mouth and within 24 hours has extracted tooth. We have been on the middle child to get that thing out of her head but she has just been so cautious.

Not sure why but last night we all worked on it and thought we would get it out before midnight. I thought it would have been special since yesterday was National Cheesecake Day. It did not happen but we all felt optomistic about it coming out in the very near future. We celebrated with cheesecake anyway and since the tooth was still not out I had a martini. I was not upset but just thought it a fine excuse for a White Chocolate Strawberry Martini.

We worked on it all day and every time she asked for something I would say, 'ok, after you get that tooth out'. I did not mean it but she worked hard on it. I tried yanking on it a few times but she whined and I did not want to make her cry because then the lost tooth gift may cost even more than it already will.

So I was getting ready to go to the post office and I hear the older 2 yelling. Oldest had done the sneak attack and snatched that thing right outta middle child's mouth! Thats what Im talkin bout cuz that is just how we roll around here! That's my girls!

July 30, 2008

2008-07-30T09:46:00.000-07:00

So I am all emotional (on the inside but still) and a little anxious. Saturday is August 2. 10 years since my first daughter was born.

My weekend is slammed busy. In fact, starting this evening we have lots of stuff going on, over lapping activities and it kinda makes me mad. I want the 2nd to be more sacred. Not sandwiched between agabazillion other commitments.

Would we make a big deal out of Rya hitting double digits? Would her black hair be long like Adrian's or short like the other girls? Would her beauty bring tears to my eyes like her absent does?

Her life changed me. Her death changed me more. And I am greatful. I would never want to take paradise from her to satisfy my curiosity. I would not give up the life lessons I learned to have her back. Rya's death lead to my promise of eternal life. Our loss will be her gain as one day our entire family will join her to abide where Love reigns.

Rya gave me purpose. She gave me definition. She gave me dreams and smiles and hope. She taught me love that showed me a pain so deep and complete I began to need a Savior. She melted my frozen heart to the point it could finally be molded.

Jesus said in John 16:22 you have sorrow now but I will see you again; then you will rejoice and no one can rob you of that joy. I believe in the Word of God; help my unbelief.

School Year Goals

2008-07-27T13:28:00.000-07:00

I love tourchuring myself with long to do lists and furthering the torment with a time frame. I find some sort of morbid thrill in boxing myself in and hope I burn off a few hundred calories from self inflicted panic attacks.

We have only 2 weeks of summer left and the only goal we have not crossed off the list is to go bowling as a family. Granted our summer fun list is easy (albeit expensive) to do. We get together as a family at the end of school and list all we want to do over the summer. We saw a movie and dressed like pandas. We ate at a restaurant AND developed an interest in archery on our Bass Pro Family Fun Day. We hit Sonic up for $1 shakes. We went to Lake Charles (not enough but CHECK!). We visited the library. This one was more educational than usual. I checked out a book on how babies were made. It even had pictures and diagrams. Yup. A moment of silence for my husband please.

Thank you. We had movie night where we made pallets in the living room, made popcorn with chocolate chips in it and threw bed time out the window for the night. We gave belly dancing a good go. We had friends over and had swim days and went on vacation. We even went to the New Orleans zoo. It was a great summer. My tan is BLAM! My boobs in a swim suit KABOOM! I am just saying. $5000 and yours can be too. Believe me, no one even noticed my fat ass. Thats what IM talkin bout baby. My pool boy/husband did a bang up job this year. I love my pool and I love my husband.

So now, I need to start compiling my school year plan. I need to revamp the girl's schedules and to do lists (of COURSE I make them do lists. It says to do this in the Old Testament, remember Hezikiah?). I need to factor in soccer and dance and pottery and worship practice and whatever else they can talk me into that my balancing husband does not talk me back out of. I also like to set some personal goals for me, the girls individually and the family as a whole. *squeel* I am giddy with panicy excitement!!

I have to have the list in black and white so I can cross through compleated tasks. This is very important. We have our daily lists in sheet protectors and cross through each item with a dry erase marker but the goals needs to actually be crossed through.

The only thing I know for sure that will make the list is going non profit. I have said I was doing that for years now. Time to walk the walk. I also really want my punching bag put back up. I want to put 'punch hard and daily' on my list. YEAH baby! I am not actually making the list yet but will be soon. For now I will just enjoy the nauseating feeling of butterflies while I contemplate just how many goals I will attempt this school year. Whoop!

Color and why I hate professional Photographers

2008-07-21T11:25:00.000-07:00

This weekend was the big family reunion in NOLA. It was fun like listening to my mother-in-law rant about white people then reminding her in mid rant that I am white is fun. No one could figure out if it was me or my husband that was related by blood because I am almost as dark as him. We liked that.

My youngest refused to be in most of the pictures except one set with the professional and only then if we let her wear her daddy's coat. She is 4. He is a 3x. I think the photographer hated me as much as I hated him.

My oldest was 'hired' to make balloon animals for the children that attended and I told her to only give the kids 3-4 options to make it easier. One thing she made well was a sword, except it looked like a penis to my husband after a jack and coke. Most of the kids in the room were playing with them. *giggle*

I did love that all 135ish people who attended reconized we were all 'family' on some level and there was every color there. From blond to black, then back to shades and hair tectures from every where in between. It was nice to be defined more by family line than race because race was too muddled to consider. That is the kind of world I would like for my daughters. Not black pride or white power or having to choose a side.

Now getting 135 people into a single photograph the photographer was happy with made me want to break up with everyone there but I am not that fond of photographers to begin with. That experience was way too familiar and made me want to stab people with plastic cutlery.

So even though I do not try to act like having a black husband makes me personally black, I did see color from a different perspective this weekend. And really, the only thing white about me is my teeth. Thats what Im talkin bout.

Pardon me while I go non-PC

2008-07-18T10:13:00.000-07:00

During the summer my family enjoys Wednesday night church services. We picnicked out at the lake before service, and then I checked the girls into their classes. I walked into the sanctuary just as the first song was starting. I went to the section we usually sit in and there was a row with only one guy so I asked if I could get past him. He moved over so I could come into the row.

The entire first song he stared at me. My McDonalds double cheeseburger slowly rose to my throat and my shoulders started inching up. It was obvious there was something not right about him. Not sure if it is PC to say he seemed retarded, but he did. His movements were spastic and sporadic and his hands were curled. Only a few notes into the second song he sticks his hand out to me and introduces himself as Brian. I gave my name and try to smile and act like a Christian since I am in church but he was really in my personal space. My skin was crawling and as cold as I know it was in church, I could not feel it.

I acted very into worship but I was actually inventorying the exit routs and how many people I had between me and each one. I am thinking, ‘Is this normal? He is just a harmless retarded dude! How do I process this and my reaction after Monday night?!?’. My plan became to respond to the first nursery number that went up. Not a single one did. Not one. The entire service.

I am trying to make myself calm down because I realize I am wound so tight, if he tries to touch me, I may over react. He is IN my space. Coming over onto my chair! My sense of smell goes into overdrive; someone near me smokes. I feel like I will choke on the air that has turned foul around me.

The break between worship and the message lasts an eternity as Brian makes small talk with me. I barely speak and plaster a smile on my face that may or may not reveal my underlying hysteria. Somewhere during the offering he hands me a slip of paper and says I can call him if I ever want to get together. I take the paper, stuff it into my purse and concentrate on the head in front of me. In hindsight I should have just politely said it would not be appropriate since I was married but I was beyond speech at this point. I remember thinking if he touches me, I will be justified in beating the shit out of him. Then I remembered Monday night at Suzanne’s and got a little confused.

He talked to me through service as I silently prayed for a nursery number to go up or another reason to leave. Several church members spoke to him so he was not a stranger and I felt like Alice in Wonderland. Completely unsure if what was happening to me was rational, sane or even real. He asked me several questions I did not respond to including what my phone number was.

At the end when married people were asked to stand I did and he did as well (he had told me earlier some stuff about his ex-wife) mumbling he was technically still married. By the time the prayer was over I could not sit in my chair again if I wanted to. He had moved so close that he was more in front of my chair than I was. Fortunately the couple on the end of the row next to me left so I moved into the space where they were sitting and as soon as Amen was said I grabbed my purse muttered nice to meet to ( how effing stupid was that?!?) and bolted.

It was just creepy. I flipped through a book I did called On the Threshold of Hope and there was a part on boundries and control and I think in my attempts to find balance in those areas through the grid of trauma, there are times when I teeter way to one extreem or the other. To a person not facing the issues I am, the logical thing would have been to move the moment they felt uncomfortable. I fell into a trap where I did not realize that was an option. But I see Truth today and I continue to work through lies when they surface. Next time a retarded dude freaks on me, I am outta there!

offence, not defence

2008-07-15T17:28:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I faced the victomization I experienced in my past. I pretend it does not define me but last night my friends gave me a wake up call that it does. I like control. I mean the responsibility and lack of freedom that binds me is not fun but I feel I need it. I like even numbers and multiples of 5 and revealed that even though the most comfortable temp for my house to be is 77 degrees, I can not keep it on 77. It has to be 76 (too cold) or 78 (too hot). An even number or a multiple of 5.

I also get angry at my husband for spending the majority of his time in 'his chair' in front of his computer in our bedroom and not interacting with me often. Often I want to discuss something that I feel will affect us and all he says is 'I dont care', and even gets mad. I thought because I was disturbing him and he did not want to be bothered with 'us' (me and the girls and our issues).

My friends pointed out that if he is nonconfrontational and avoids conflict then dealing with me on any level may be difficult. It reminded me of the question I so often got asked as a child, "why dont you ever come out of your room? Why do you isolate yourself in there so often?". To me it was a no brainer. Why would I come out when every time I did I got critized and put down and all my wrongs were pointed out? It was safer to stay in my room and get lost in a book or occassionally music. I realized last night in horror, it may be the same for my husband.

That hurt. I mean, he has issues. Big fat ones. But I was not seeing so many of mine and was totally falling for the lie that I was done with certain parts of my past. I do not want to be vulnerable to my husband or anyone, ever, including God. That can not be good or fun. And how can I grow as a person when I am in such a bondage.

I want another tattoo. On my foot I believe. I just need to figure out what I want to say. I do not know what I want to say! I say so much so often but last night's discussion showed me it is all defence. I do not even have an offence. I spend so much of my time fighting and ensuring I have some control that I stay in the defencive mode most of the time.

I want to learn how to be vulnerable. I think. Maybe.

One Drop

2008-07-09T10:48:00.000-07:00

I have a family reunion in a couple weeks. A real reunion based on the origional family lines from the first settlers to Louisiana. This is the family I married into. My husbands family. I am reading a book on the geneology called One Drop by Bliss Broyard and I must say, I am quite fasinated at the story.

So this girl finds out when she was like 23 that her daddy was 'black' but had kept it a secret and lived as white until he was on his death bed. She then goes on a quest to discover who the black her really is. Which even she realizes is a little silly. I mean, not that I think she should not have done the research or hooked up with her black family members. Just that while she can have black in her history does not necessiarly mean she has to figure out how to 'be' black.

So one thing I read that really stuck out to me was it was not legal for different races to marry until 1972. That is 34 years ago. I admit, I have gotten annoyed with my husband at times for playing the 'black card'. I never tried to say he did not experience racism, but I just felt it, well, stupid for lack of a more suited word, to have a mentality of 'my people were slaves and held back by the white man for too long' drama. I am glad I started this book because I feel I am learning a thing or two.

Funny that at the same time I am reading, I watched a Chris Rock special and he talks about how black people were bred to be big, strong and dumb so they do have genetics to overcome. No one will admit they think slavery was ok, but what Bliss realized on her quest to discover her blackness as a white girl, was people will show their true colors when they think they are talking to white people. After Bliss discovered her daddy's secret, she began to notice little things that were actually racist, even in herself. She had friends tell black jokes in front of her and for a change, she no longer found them funny. Once someone made fun of her name and said it sounded like a 'black name'.

There used to be a law called the One Drop rule which said if you had one drop of black blood in you, you were considered black. I am reading about lots of mixed or even white family members (that were considered black by association, i.e. they had mixed siblings) that lived in a world that did not value them as human beings. I decided I wanted my girls to learn about what some of their family went through, if for no other reason, than to be considerate of how we treat others in this world.

We may have come far in society, but I am seeing that is not far enough. One thing that I know of is it is no longer required to list a race on birth certificuts. None of my girls have a race listed on their birth certificuts and neither does it list what Kenneth and I are. I hope I can learn from the history of my family and open my eyes to see what is going on around me. I want to be a part of the solution and never a part of the problem. And I will educate my girls about their 'blackness'. That's what Im talkin bout!

Know what you dealin wit before you run up on me

2008-07-05T09:37:00.000-07:00

[Intro: Snoop Dogg]Snoop Dogg, Big Will

Ay lil' homey you need to {*"pump ya brakes"*}

Real talk, we came to have a good time

We ain't got time for all that

Man homey look {*"pump ya brakes"*}

Now slide right, and just {*"pump ya brakes"*}Wanna holla at you in a minute

F'real, ha ha {*"pump ya brakes"*}

[Verse One: Will Smith]All this excess, stress I can't take it

Slow that thing down, pump ya brakes kid

Why you gotta be all up in the face kid?

The AVS'll get you numbers and a name, kid

I mean really, houndin on girl

Was that really necessary, see your itinerary

Is all awe, you need to be hauled off

She start flippin, she ain't trippin, it's your loss

This a simple case of a anti-brake pumper

You don't have to talk to women bumper to bumper

That mighta got you a couple numbers when you were younger

But dude switch your whole approach, that ain't proper

Be a gentlemen and try to be gentle man

The essence of stimulation mental man

But if you actin like you just got out a kennel man

Put your foot on the pedal and, pump

[Chorus: Snoop Dogg]If your girl in your face and she out of place

What you need to tell her is {*"pump ya brakes"*}

Now if you out but your girls they pressin you hard

What you need to tell 'em is {*"pump ya brakes"*}

Now if you underage and you actin all grown

What you need to do is {*"pump ya brakes"*}

If you offended by this record and you know it's you

What you need to do is {*"pump ya brakes"*}

[Verse Two: Will Smith]Outside the restaurant, girl sees boy

Girl likes boy, girl meets boy (boy)Boy doesn't know that girl thinks he's fly (fly)

Boy's a nice guy so boy says hi (hi)Boy's girlfriend returns from goin to park

She sees them together this ignites a spark (what?)

Boy's girlfriend has a real loud bark

Now this is where the pumping of the brake should start

Girlfriend thinks that somethin's goin on

Girl tells girlfriend nuttin's goin on

Boy in the middle of the commotion beginnin

Girlfriend mad cause boy keeps grinnin

Now why is he grinnin? But that's beside the point

Girlfriend she chill 'fore they rolled up in the joint

Jumpin to conclusions get you nowhere honey

Pump ya brakes and be a crash test dummy

[Chorus][Verse Three: Snoop Dogg]Rule #1, is just like 2

The who-dos and what-nots and what you should dizzoo

No loud talkin, no back talkin

If you do either believe it you back walkin

I hate to sound rude but then again I have to

My rap bang and my mack game it'll smack you

Click-clack you, spit at you

I don't do it cause I want to, I do it cause I GAT to

I gotta question to ask you

Would you fall, stand tall, ball, or let him smash you?

If I was you, and you was I

Would you keep it G, or would you stay fly?

If you was rich, in a ditch, livin low, would you push the button

Keep it cuttin, or would you just let it go?

Calm down lil' homey

And know what you dealin wit before you run up on me

[Chorus]Pump ya brakes [to end]

Be Careful What you Wish for

2008-07-03T09:48:00.000-07:00

I am not a fan of debt. My first 3 vehicles I paid cash for. So they were peices of junk but I was not in debt. Then the two became one!

My husband and I are different in many ways. He is black. I am white. He is into computers and electronice, they hate me and conspire against me. He hates heights and to fly. I love flying and heights. He is not a fan of water. I want to be a mermaid. Oh! And he is a credit card lover! Me, not so much.

I have always watched enviously the debt consolidation comercials on tv and wished to be the wife in them. My husband does not trust help and feels if he asks for it in any way, shape or form, The Man will get him!!

God told me years ago to hand over the finances to my husband and I balked at the idea. Basically God informed me Kenneth would never learn until he got behind the wheel. After years of him running us into trees, posts and concrete blocks, I was like, 'really God?' He was like, 'Yeah. Really. Trust Me. Trust him. Stop trying to control everything.'

So, I do not know what happened. I maybe do not want to know, but my husband asked if I was ok with not having any credit cards. I was like HELL YEAH. He did some kinda debt consolidation. Just like I wanted.

Uh. Shit. No back up? None? What about all the times I went to buy food and my check card was denied and I whipped out the credit card? What about emergancy car repairs, medical bills and what about vacations?!? All that stuff was on credit cards! What about dates and family fun days and shopping trips when Kenneth does something wrong and buys me something pretty?

This is just what I asked for. Hmm. Maybe me and Kenneth hame more in common than I thought. Maybe Trust is not either of our strong suits. Crap.

I got what I wished for. Thats what Im talkin bout baby. HA!

Silence Solitude & Sun

2008-07-01T19:20:00.000-07:00

Wow. Wow. I had the most lucious day! Last night my husband took the girls to his parents in my van. They spent the night and all day away. If I had had my van, I would have felt compelled to go get the girls in the morning but since I did not, I had a day.

I watched a movie last night. I slept naked. I slept in. Once I woke up, I read in bed. I took a nice long shower and even shaved my legs without inturruption. I did a few things while I had some coffee then got a brunch together and headed out to the pool. Ahhh.

I love my pool. It was so still and refreshing. The weather was perfect. I read a book. I swam. I floated. I laid out. Topless.

I do not wish to be a nudiest or anything. I like to sleep naked. My sister likes to sleep in super soft things. I just like it. I dont often because the girls have a hard time comprehending modesty. Swimming and laying out topless has a little to do with tan lines and is just fun. I like that too. I have a privacy fence and no neighbors. It was clean fun.

The day was not long enough, yet too long. I needed it so bad but it showed me I would not want any other life. I kept thinking I would listen to music or watch tv but I never did. I just soaked in the silence, the solitude and the sun.

I missed my family, but I enjoyed myself without them.

As I was floating on a raft-without small people climbing on me-enjoying my surroundings, I had a thought. Last year I used weed killer and tried to kill everything along the outside of the fence because it comes in, but this year, I have not done that. I thought of the inside of my fence as man made and outside the fence as God made and realized there is no way to keep God out. God made is much more powerful than man made. The proof of that is clearly seen in the buckles and cracks in the concrete around the pool where little green weeds have pushed through. I like to think of the me made walls and fences I built being invaded by God.

His Work is so lovely too. Water being one of my all time favorites! I hope to be like a mermaid (or wormaid as my little girls say) when I get to heaven. I love how things look and sound under water. Slower and sensual. Flowy and graceful. Delicious and refreshing. I drank living water today. Thats what Im talkin bout baby!

Mercy!

2008-06-30T06:35:00.000-07:00

Good thing I am starting to feel better.

My oldest and I finished the Chronicles of Narnia. The Last Battle finds our people in a train accident and in the Real Narnia, aka, heaven. One of the great Queens did not make it in. She stopped believing. We finished 2 days ago and my girl is still talking about it. It really rocked her world.

I try to always be honest with my children and equip them with the truth. I want so bad to keep them in a sterile Christian bubble but this world is much to sharp and rough for any kind of bubble to last. And seeing as how my bubble was popped so early in life, I can not expect the one I errected for my girls to last very long.

What I told her was Matthew 24:24, even the elect will be deceived. I told my sweet 8 year old that even people like Pastors and teachers of the Word of God will be tricked into believing lies or into not believing by Satan. I told her because it was so easy to be deceived, we had to protect ourselves by staying in constant contact with God. Through prayer and serving and reading and learning His Word, we will know the truth and not believe lies.

While that was heavy for a young girl, I also think I took the chicken shit way out. While I told her alot, I did not go into the heart of Avery's question. She was asking where Susan was. Susan was a beautiful, valiant queen of Narnia who ruled during the Golden Years. I remember when my sister came across verse Matthew 27:5 and learned that Judas had taken his own life. We were taught in the Catholic church that suicide sent you to hell. She called me hysterical because Judas was one of Jesus elect! One of the chosen 12 who walked with Jesus through the majority of His ministry on earth. She felt it was not right that Judas went to hell. First of all, I told her it never said he did. I have no idea if he made it into heaven or not. He certainly seemed sorry for what he did. The truth is, the road to heaven is narrow, the path to hell, wide.

I should pray harder for the Rapture.

The youngest also had a problem last night. After I put her to bed, she came into my room to tell me Jesus does not listen to her. She has a Bella Dancarella Princess wand that lights up and plays music when you press the button. She informed me she asked Jesus to make her wand not make noise and He would not listen. I taught her the word manipulation.

The middle child is not quite as screwed up. This morning she did confuse Reggie Bush with George Washington, but come on, who has not made that mistake before?

Moments

2008-06-27T14:23:00.000-07:00

I am so very tired today. This summer has been difficult for me for whatever reason but last night the 6 year old was up till almost midnight with some issue and I was awoken around 6am. Not unusual I must say.

We have had lots of 'family fun' too so combine that with all the nasty junk food and lack of time for exercise and the fatigue can be heard in my voice.

We saw Kung Fu Panda and the girls decided we should all wear black and white, like a panda and I did their hair to give them 'panda ears'. The movie was cute and we got snowcaps in popcorn. I ate till I was sick. SICK. The movie was at 3ish and I could not eat again that day my stomach was so messed up.

So today, the 4 year old comes in my room while I was reading and said her stomach hurt. Often something hurts on someone and I tell them they will be fine and go away. I was feeling lovey so I told her to come lay down and I would rub her belly. She did but said she just wanted me to pray for her so she could feel better. What a moment! Here I am feeling like I am a big fat tired, emotional, sinner and failure and I see some good I have done. I pray God equips me to continue my race till the end. Skidoosh!

New Pursuit of Happiness

2008-06-23T07:16:00.000-07:00

My father-in-law is a hunter. He was thrilled beyond words at my excitment over this new hobby I would like to pursue, at his expense of course! That's what Im talkin bout baby!

I should update my profile to mention my interest in punching things and shooting things.

The bruise is a result of my lack of proper form. I guess I will have to practice LOTS when the PINK right handed bows come in (only left handers in stock in the store where I shot).

Popped Can of Biscuits

2008-06-22T14:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I will never again get a decent night's sleep.

Sometimes I feel like I will never catch up on what needs to be done in a day.

Somestimes I looked like a popped can of biscuits in my pants but the thought of not eating anything that taste delicious makes me want to cry.

Sometimes I get woken up by being handed a dead hamster that does not even belong to us.

Sometimes I get bit by ants when cutting grass with the push mower. Actually, I almost always do.

Sometimes I am overwhelmed and running on empty.

And sometimes I am given a cute gift for no reason outside of love. The mug is from my sister and brother in law. His Grace is enough.

Common Theme

2008-06-19T08:13:00.000-07:00

Tuesday on the News is the story about legal gay marriage, yesterday (Wednesday) the girls and I are out at the pool and heard a weird noise that wound up being mating frogs (they guessed several reasons why one frog was on top of the other and I just kept saying 'YEAH. Maybe!'). Then last night church was about God's Purpose & Divine Order for Marriage and Family. Also, my neice living with my in laws is in a lesbian relationship, my inlaws hate each other and act like it and my mother has left her husband.

It was an old school pastor and I was so pleased that he was brave enough to preach on homosexuality the way he did. He was so all about love the sinner, not the sin. It was powerful. The old man has SKILLS. I recommend anyone, married, single, straight, gay, red or yellow listen to the message. I linked the title to the church's online sermons and the date was June 18th. He also touched on living together before marriage and the divine order God wants for our homes.

I took mad notes besides the 3 pages we were given but the one thing that stood out to me most, possibly because I needed it, was how we need to view our spouse as the image of Christ.

Romans 8:29 says we were created in the image of Christ. If our spouse ask us to do something (I am talking take out the garbage or clean up the kitchen, not rob a bank type thing), if we were to look at it like 'I am taking out the trash for Christ' it will 1. be easier for us to do 2. show the love of Christ IN us 3. set the example of Divine Order and Christian Love to those in our home 4. earn us rewards in heaven 5. please our Lord, shall I go on?

I have noticed lately my eyes are dull. I can smile but it does not reach my eyes. My eyes look tired and old. My light has gone out. I think it is because I am outside the will of God. I need divine order in my home.
It should be:
God
Christ
Man
Woman
Children
If God and Christ are equal (which they are), then man and woman can be equal and still stay in the order God designed.

Sadly in my home it is often: Children, Woman, Man, then Christ & God.

I titled this post common theme because what I see in the Spirit is an attack on the divine order in Christian homes. Satan does not have to wait for us to tip toe into the world to attack us when he can do his best work in our marriages and families. The battle rages in our homes and I have been so completely oblivious lately.

Nehemiah 4:14 says fight for your family. I have been fighting against mine.

Thank God for the Cross where I can repent, take up my sword and charge back into the battle, this time on the right side; the victorious side! That's what I'm talkin bout baby!

I am gearing up for a big fight. My plan is to fast the internet, junk food, possible meat, everything I can think of and seek God's Face until He shows me His Glory.

I pray for divine order in all the homes of all the people I know. Christian or not. My purpose has been redefined. It is to show the world Christ in me. I will not stop until the Light is back in my eyes.

Chocolate Milk Martinis

2008-06-17T14:50:00.000-07:00

Chocolate milk taste better in a martini glass. Or is that a margarite glass? As many things I can be crazy nuts about, I hope doing little things like letting my girls drink out of a martini glass will imprint good memories.

I feel the rage boiling up in me again. Strong and forceful, yet still no match for the Power of the matchless name of Jesus. Yet I fight. I even threw some stuff and kicked something the other day. The Martini day.

I love my family. I love my life. I love my Savior. And nothing is easy.

At prayer last night with my girlfriends, I shared about the cussing thing and church and the alter call and how I did not respond because there were so many more important things I needed to focus on. Cussing is a symtom, not a root.

I mean, just today I had to explain same sex marriage to my 8 year old because my grandparents watch the news while my girls are over and convince the 4 year old you can not:

drag a hamster by its tail

put a hamster in a purse and swing it around

drop a hamster on a ceramic tile floor

throw the hamster in anger at a sister (yes, she is me with curls)

The 6 year old is here. She is just easy most days. She did have 'bleeed' quite a few times today but nothing a few bandaids could not fix. Well, except her tongue. She wanted to put one on her tongue that got bit in a wresteling match and I had to say no. Even though it had bleeeeed on it.

I am not going to meet my quota for my business, need to make a large purchace for my ministry and the credit card is maxed. The dog that was missing is back in all her nasty glory, knocking over the trash can, rolling in every stink she can find, trackin in the outside. My husband got a new position at his job and is working every single day although he is more work when he is home. I am not trying to whine but maybe it is normal for me to feel like not getting out of bed some days.

Hopefully pancakes for supper will help my girls not notice the strain of life sucking the energy out of me. Maybe I just need to drink chocolate milk in a martini glass.

Calendars do not control me

2008-06-14T17:38:00.000-07:00

The only time in my life I ever wore a watch was while I was in the Army. It was almost required. I just have never been one to need to know the time. In fact I have to set an alarm to alert me when to get my children off the bus (often forgetting them on early dismissal days) because I am not aware of time too much. I do not like to keep track of where we are on the calendar either. Now, I do use a super FAB calendar I got from my girl the FLYLady. Click the title of this post for her website and believe me when I say, the FLY calendar is worth every penny I paid for it. I need a good calendar to keep track of our family happenings. Kenneth's shift work, EARLY DISMISSAL DAYS, when I need to be to church on time for a change because I am working Children's Church, stuff like that.

We live in a world where time is money and it is the responsible and right thing to keep track of time; HOWEVER, I am not controlled by time. Yesterday was especially annoying. June 13th; Friday the 13th. Eleven years since my brother was killed, also on a Friday.

While I am aware that I seem to reguard death and loss from a harder point of view, I was so annoyed yesterday at the people who let the lining up of the stars dictate their emotional wellbeing. Way too many times I heard my mother (who spent waaay to much time at my house yesterday for me to not be annoyed no matter what day it was) ask people who called her if they were 'making it through the day' and to 'just hold on, you can make it'. Like their airplane ride of a life hit some turbulance and the fasten seatbelt light came on and the oxegyn masks dropped down.

A friend asked me if it was a bad day and I say NO FOOL! This is the day the Lord has made! I saw some beautiful things and some very ugly things but it had nothing to do with the month, date or day of the week. My mom even texed me later to ask for prayer because she saw (or prolly heard about knowing her) a wreck where 2 people died and it was just '2 hard!'. People die every day. God still reigns. My cousin fell and needed stitches. When I called to check on her, she blamed it being Friday the 13th. She was fine. In fact, she still made it to the party she was going to when she fell where she was encouraged to drink to amp her meds from the ER.

Maybe my mom is not my favorite person but she actually told someone this yesterday, 'my son died on the 13th, my dad on the 14th, my mom on the 16th and my sister on the 17th so it makes for a real tough week'. The thing is, the deaths were not all the same month. Do people just want an excuse for their negitivity? My mom loves attention and sympothy has been the motherload but I mean in general.

My inlaws told us we were insane for going to Disney in December. They said it was only magical during the summer. I am serious. I think the heat made them see things they took for magic. It is like the people who can not attend church on Saturday because it just does not feel right. Or family members who feel you can only celebrate a holiday ON it's designated day. Kenneth works weekends and holidays; we make our own holidays! We are not controlled by the calendar.

Do I ever say, 'well, sure today sucks, it is Monday' or 'sure I am depressed, it is December' or 'of course I am in a bad mood, the date is not an even number or a mulitple of 5! (truely, I can not breath right if the radio volumn is not on an even number or a multiple of 5). I do not want to be that person. I want to be greatful for every day I am given, every breath I take, every chance to attempt to do what I do, yo!

Cussing

2008-06-11T19:02:00.000-07:00

Oh my GOODNESS! So during the summer we go to Wednesday night service. It starts at 7pm and during the school year the girls go to bed at 730 so we opt out. Well, after my explosive cursing post earlier today, I go to church to hear a message on speaking the Gospel Language. I am thinking Love, Forgivness, Service.

I took lots of notes and enjoyed the message, praying for God to remove bad words from my vocabulary. Works like doubt and unbelief. The ending prayer, well, it went long. Actually, Pastor felt lead to pray again. He prayed for people who wanted to stop cussing. Like, he said sorry I am keeping yall here so long but I feel there are people here who want to be set free from cussing.

Then he shared how afer being a Christian for only about 5 weeks he responded to an alter call for someone who wanted to stop cussing and got delivered. MAANNN!

Listen, I respect my Pastor. I do not take his word for Truth, only THE Word, but I do submit to my Pastor's authority. So what does this mean?!? Am I wrong that cussing matters little? I do not cuss around my kids. Much. I try not to around others. I watch tv with cussing and my kids will be in and out the room and recently I said 'shit' where my friend's daughter could hear me. Not on purpose but I did not have to say it. My friends have corrected my language before. Things like crap, pissy, oh, and yummy! I refered to a good looking guy as yummy and some of my friends freaked. They asked if I said that about my husband and I said YES! Well, they did NOT approve. That is, until we were all at a women's conference and Tammy Trent said it. Then they said it was ok. A little funny but also kinda crappy.

So here are some of my notes:

words build up or they tear down
we speak life or we speak death
Time does NOT heal all things but our words can bring healing
God can cleanse a dirty mouth (anyone have an Orbit gum commercial pop into their head?!?)

There were a lot of Proverbs used but one of my favorite verses was not mentioned. Prolly just because so many other scriptures were used. A Word I try to live by is Eph 4:29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of my mouth but that which is good for the use of edifying, that it may minister grace to the hearer.

Granted, if I call my daughter a little shit, that is BAD. But the guy who said shit in his stats about starvation, not so bad in my opinion. I will, however take this matter to prayer. Tonight was NO coincidence. His Word does not return void. Thats what Im talkin about.

Emotional me

2008-06-11T09:41:00.000-07:00

Tony Campolo quote:

"Last night, according to U.N. statistics, approximately ten thousand people starved to death. Furthermore, most of you don't give a shit. What is worse, most of you are more upset with the fact that I just said 'shit' than you are over the fact that ten thousand people starved to death last night."

I do not know who this guy is but I am looking into it, thanks to google. I do know the quote rings my bell hard. I understand I am not going to 'get' everyone and everyone is not going to 'get' me but some things are big enough that it should be easier. It should be easier to care aout ten thousand people starving to death than a person saying shit. It should not matter if it is the Pope saying shit. Shit should be minor when grouped with starvation. Why is that hard?

And if I have not said (typed) shit enough, go ahead and tell me I do not speak the truth. I will then say you are full of shit. Maybe you, YOU, really do not care about the use of the word shit more than the ten thousand deaths yesterday but it is just an example. Tune in to it. Really pay attention and you will see what I mean.

I will admit, I am emotional today so I could be overly hard about this. My dog is missing and my husband is devestated. It does not help that less than 2 weeks ago I called him and told him I was so over the dog, I wanted to kill her with a plastic spoon. The responsibility of the dog and lack of effort he put into his pet actually made me cry recently. Now, she is missing and I feel hopeless and confussed and want to find her more than I do not want to find her and I also want to adopt a son for my husband.

At first I thought a really black afrotastic crispy little man, but now I wonder if it would not be better, i.e. funnier to get a white one. Blond head, blue eyes, the works. Maybe I will just ask God who He has for us. He already told me we will have a son. I just need to find out what flavor he will be.

Summa Summa Summa TIME/old school big willy styles

2008-06-10T11:49:00.000-07:00

We had family vacation early this summer. It was awesome but like any good vacation I am spent. Even after sleeping past nine and drinking a huge pot of coffee (the kind where you only have a scoop or 2 left in the bag so you add the last bit to go ahead and end that bag?). I have agabazillion loads of laundry because we had a beach front cabin on the lake, and I chose to not wash there OR at my sister's. In fact, we were not due home till late tonight or tomorrow but I could tell my sister needed us to GO. AWAY. Bless her heart, HA! She and her husband were great. I only got frustry with them a little. I tried to give them marital advice (married less than a year) and had to keep reminding myself not to try to make them feel better by downing someone else, mainly my husband.

He was super fantastic this trip, even better than he was at Disney. And this is WITH his fear of water and all things pertaining his girls factored in. Like seriously, I want to buy him something pretty, or at least something electronic. He was so engaged with us the entire time! It was livin the dream, fo shizzil!

Another cherry on top (if you like cherries, which none of us do) was coming home to my house looking like a magazine. My mom needed a place to stay and she straightened the entire house! I had every intention of using the little cash I had left to pay for someone to clean my house but now I can buy those high heeled crocks I have been wanting! God is soo bery good. I mean like, I am tearing up right now good.

I am a weird version of a nature girl. One of my daughters is a true nature girl, all up in the dirt and playing with bugs and can spend all day out doors. Trees are my favorite thing God made in nature but just to look at. Water is my favorite thing he made to put my hands on. I saw the movie and have gotten emails on the talk by Louie Giglio and that did not amaze me as much as the beach or the ocean or the huge lake we stayed on. I can not deny God after swimming in a huge body of water but I hate to garden or get dirty really.

I had such glory to look at on this trip and I kept looking at myself. God gently pointed it out and I do not know why it was so hard to look at Him instead of myself. Being in a swimsuit all sunlight hours of the day made it hard for me to not be concerned about how I looked and I was constantly compairing myself to other moms I saw. Seriously, I have no idea why I was so concerned about how I looked. I guess I still struggle with wanting attention and approvall of man. When my cup overflows as much as mine does, I do not get why I am still so fleshy but at least there is still His Grace. Thats what Im talkin about baby.

Wii Fit

2008-06-02T19:33:00.000-07:00

Wii Fit kicked my ass today. Actually, my ass is not what hurts the most. I can not decide if it is my legs or my ego since I was told I was fat, weak and 12 wii years older than my actual age.

So as I sip my glass of wine in front of my computer I am debating if I should nominate my self for TLC's 10 Years Younger or keep practicing until I can beat at least one of my kids at this latest greatest technology that reigns in my home. Being a naturally lazy person I am not sure which option would take the least effort. I kid, I kid. I actually enjoy exercise, I just do it very little. I may have blogged about this before, but I tried Spin classes and thought I would NEVER be able to hang but I LOVED IT/Jack voice from Will & Grace!! I swear after a good spin class I had that out of breath spent in a good way feeling like you get after some freaky monkey sex, WITH your spouse of course! Spin class actually turned me on, which is weird. Not sure if it was the crazy loud techno music or the black lights or the 11 other people crammed in the tiny space with me sweating and making those animal noises reserved for good sex or good spinning. I miss the gym.

Now I have Wii Fit though! I thought it would be crap. It is worth the money! Says the non gamer/non electronic lover. My problem is gonna be getting a turn that is not at 9pm. Is ok. I do not know whether to laugh or cry at the fact that my children will stay physically fit by playing their video games. OH! But this is funny. My girls figured out how to move the wii remote to make it think they are running when all they move is the hand holding the remote! HA! That's what I'm talkin bout babii!

The Last Lecture

2008-06-01T17:56:00.000-07:00

Church was spot on today. I actually read this morning. A luxery I do not often afford myself but seeing as how I woke up to dog poo. Again. I indulged. I am reading The Call by Rick Joyner and the chapter I read touched on a prison scene where people grouped themselves with their own kind. They despised differences and searched for the group of people most like them. It was about some other stuff too but the thought stuck with me how unwilling we, as a people, are to embrace differences.

Church was about The Last Lecture; What Matters Most. Some guy wrote a book or something because he is dying. Pastor posed the question 'what do we want to be known for?'. I thought about how individualism often leads only to judgement which drives us to find our own kind and water down who we are. Sad reality all around because we have so much to learn from others who are different and we need to be who we are or who we really are will die.

I love my tattoos (most of them anyway) and I spent way too much time trying to convince myself since becoming a Christian I should not love them. Two people that I love, respect and want approval from just can not stand that I have them and occassionally let me know. While I do not think someone who likes me needs to like tattoos, it pisses me off that someone would hold them against me. I have a friend that hates tats and loves long hair on women. He told me once that if when he met his wife, she had had a tattoo, he never would have dated then married her. And he ment it. Yet, he has never once made me feel like a bad person because my hair is shorter than his or judged me about my tats.

At church during the 20 second T.O. (5 minute break between worship and message) some parents asked if they could talk to me because I had taught their son in Children's Church the week before. The boy asked his parents why I had tattoos. The mom told her boy she would have to ask me and she did. I appreciated that. Truely.

I told her I just like them, like my favorite color or favorite food. I just like them but I do not feel getting one is a decission to be made lightly. 1 Samual 16:7 says people judge by outward apperance, but the Lord looks at a person's thoughts and intentions. I think you need to pray and have a peace from God about getting one but you also have to factor in judgement. If they can not be hidden, will it keep you from some jobs? Will your in-laws be appalled? Will you want to work in the church nursery and have parents feel comfortable leaving their children with you? I am just saying. We live in a world where people judge by outward apperance. I thank my God He looks at my heart and intentions.

So what would I want my last lecture to be about? I do believe it is impossible to predict how I would react if I really knew when my death would be but I know what I want my loved ones to know about me today. I have walked without the Lord as my Savior most of my life and I am convinced that without Him life sucks. It is dark and foul and vile and not worth it. I do not recommend doing life without God because it is hard enough with Him. If I die, I want to leave my love ones this advice, Matthew 22:37-39 says love the Lord with all your heart, with all your mind and all your strength and love your neighbor as yourself. Love God, love your neighbors and love yourself. To know what it means to love, see 1 Corinthians 13. Pray about everything and do it afraid. I want my girls to embrace who God created them to be and say screw anyone who does not approve. John the Baptist wore weird clothes and ate gross stuff and lived in the not so popular neighborhood and did what he was created to do despite what others thought about him. Now, he did need to be checked by Jesus when he let pride get the best of him (Matt 11:6) but he stayed true to who he was until the day his head was served on a platter to the king. I pray I can do the same and that my girls will follow that example.

Nostalgia

2008-05-31T15:27:00.000-07:00

I had to search for a picture of my cousin for a birthday party and got to take a sweet stroll down memory lane. Good times, good times.

Livin the Dream

2008-05-30T14:38:00.000-07:00

While I occassionally feel I am not comfortable in my own skin, today was not one of those days. I made my 6 year old feel especially beautiful, my 4 year old allowed her 8 year old sister help her get dressed and after doing my mom a favor-a long favor-my girls and I hung out at the pool for a while.

My pool has always been one of those places where I can totally see how good my life is. As a child I wanted 2 things. I mean consistantly and passionatly. I wanted to be a mother and I wanted an inground pool. I so very much love to lay in the warm sun and watch and listen to my children play in the pool and I reconize the luxery of it all.

My mom is in a vulnerable place right now so it is easy for me to show her love and not be in that constant state of bracing myself for the next blow. I thought to myself while lounging at my pool today that my mom never got to enjoy a day like I had today. Whatever the reason, even self inflicted; financial strain, too busy, too stressed, to emotionally spent, too burdened, too over committed, she quite possible never had a day like mine. Comfortable in her skin and appreciative of her situation in life. I was a little sad for her. I am often too stressed, too spread thin, too ungrateful to reconize God's Fingerprints all over my life, but when I find myself slathered in sunscreen lying under the Sun my God created hearing the music of childhood while floating in the best $30,000 ever spent, I can appreciate the story of my life.

I have often thought my life may make for entertaining material. Be it pride or conceit or whatever, I felt my story was worth telling. Today I got a picture of my Story and it was the Red Letter edition. What I saw was more red letters than not.

I did not spend hours in prayer today. I have not even read my bible yet and on top of that I fit in a good 40 minutes with Dr. Phil. I was not religious or spiritual and I even wore a 2 peice to swim in but my day was still all about God and His goodness to me and mine. I have no veils or strongholds blocking my view of the truth. Today I was free. I was livin the dream. That's what I'm talkin' bout baby.

The Donuts did it

2008-05-23T06:17:00.000-07:00

My husband recently did something to hurt me and I was pretty mad. He talked to a friend of his about it and the friend actually sided with me and suggested flowers. Now I have to give it to my husband, he is hit and miss a lot of the times when it comes to knowing me and what I want and need. I tell myself it is the thought that counts. A lot.

Well, I guess Kenneth thought about flowers but he had tried a couple other things that did not work. Actually, one worked ok the other made things worse. He likes to play the baby card. He found an exceptionally cute picture of one of our girls (so not hard to do) as a fat baby and emailed it to me. It made me smile while I was mad but I still find that a lame way to say 'I am sorry'. Honestly I have often wondered to myself why those words were so hard to say when it makes things so much better. I think for myself I rationalize that it is counterproductive because it just let's people off the hook with no solution to the problem. If I thought taking the blame for a situation, my fault or not, would make things better, maybe it would be easier to do. I just think saying sorry for peace's sake is not productive in a situation where resolution is scarse.

For example, if I say I am sorry for never doing laundry and leaving people with no clean clothes to wear but do not actually start doing laundry, how can that be right? Take it up a notch or 8 and say I am so sorry I had that affair. I am so very sorry and I want to make our marriage work. Even if the affair stopped, if the offender continued to be unavailable and not make an effort to earn back trust what is the point? Both of those examples were just that. Examples. I do laundry every day and Kenneth helps with the laundry often. Also, neither of us have ever had an affair so that is not from our lives. Just saying that saying 'Im sorry' for Im sorry's sake is lame.

So in lieu of flowers, I got donuts! That's what Im talkin bout BABY!
OH! But that did not get him off the hook. I still need clean clothes to wear. Ya gotta start somewhere though.

Movies I want to see

2008-05-20T17:04:00.001-07:00

I enjoy movies. I love to read but make more time for movies these days. Not that I am getting a mushy brain in my yogert eating old age but I tend to get so absorbed in a book I neglect the rest of my life. So we got this new cable channel that is nothing but movie previews. Wow.

Often the previews are the best parts and a lot of times the movie is a big let down after an incredible preview but I still love watching them. Ken and I actually found ourselves glued to this new channel for over an hour the other day and here is the list of movies I want to see after watching the previews:

Wanted starring Angelina Jolie and Morgan Freeman. WOW! This looks bad ass. Angelina did not cover any of her tats for this one. YEAH BAby!

The Happening starring Marky Mark. Normally I would not want to see this type of movie but I will see anything with Marky Mark in it. He is yummy and oh so talented in my opinion. In your face NKOTB!

Prince Caspian I read the book, I read the series, and I heard it was great plus I try and support Christian based movies.

Adam Sandler's movie called something like Dont Mess with Zohan. What can I say. I am a fan. I make no apologies.

Lakeview Terrace with Samual L! Love him too! Not as much as Danzel but I gotta see this because a black cop (Sammy) tries to run off his new neighbors which are a mixed couple. Gotta support interracial marriages. It is a requirement or something.

Snatch. Dont remember a thing about it but I wanted to see it enough to write it in one of my notebooks. Mushy yogert brain!

Surfwise. Now this looks so awesome! This old dude had a bunch of kids, like 8 or 9 and they lived in a mobile home and traveled and surfed and he was a bastard but in the good way so now his kids are wanting to give their kids the same experience. It is either a documentery or like one.

What Happens in Vegas I like Ashton mainly because Bruce does and if you are alright with Bruce you are alright with me. I am NOT a fan of Diez however and the movie may or may not be funny but I am sure one day I will need a mindless watch and it will fill a need.

So, there it is. The List. Hopefully one of these will be a winner. Like when I saw the Village I had to tell everyone to see it. And Man on Fire. And She's the Man. That's what Im talkin bout!!!!!111

Communication aka the breakdown of Pink vs. Blue

2008-05-18T12:38:00.000-07:00

I read this fab book on marriage and it really opened my eyes to a lot of things. I am guilty of hearing a message or word or whatever and thinking 'MAN! My husband needs to get this!' when just as often I need something too. I just can not tell what that something is because of the stoopid plank in my eye. Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs rocks for lots of reasons. The main one was it showed me what an ass I was being to my husband and how great he had been; I just did not reconize it. Eggerichs used a concept that was so brilliant to me. He broke it down to this; men speak and hear blue and women speak and hear pink.

If your marriage is jacked up, read this book. If your marriage is good, read this book. If your marriage is perfect, read this book and share what you learned with your married friends. I love communication and it is an area my marriage needs work in. My husband will often say he told me something and I remind him if he does not say it out loud and to me that does not count. He feels he communicated something to me but when it is too blue I miss it. Now my Love is one who will think to himself he should tell me something and not remember that he never said it out loud but most times I think it boils down to pink vs. blue.

Our latest communication misshap occured when I went to him and asked how he felt about me getting another tattoo. I had been inked 7 times already but all before our daughters and I felt it was a big decission that I did not want to make alone. He gave me one of his standard answers of 'I dont care'. I knew what I wanted but wanted his imput of where and, well, just his imput. All I could get out of him was 'I dont care. Do what you want. I dont care.'

So the day I was to get said tat he seems annoyed and even teases me about being too old for a tattoo. We had some major life stressors occuring at the same time and I was having trouble reading him so I kept asking him if he was ok with what I was doing. 'I dont care'.

Can you imagine my shock when I get back and he freaks on me?!? DUDE! What the hell? He freaks about it being on my back and the size. He says to me, 'I thought you would get something small and tasteful on your ankle or (he said some other location-I heard BLUE BLUE BLUE, BLUE BLUE!). I was like, 'well Simple, what's done is done. I can not take it back.' With the location it is in I need help taking care of it and I hated having to ask him but what could I do. Last night we were lying in bed and he says 'it really is a beautiful tattoo'. I said 'that you wish I did not have?' He said 'yeah'. Blue bastard.

I have a ring I call my family ring and that is what the tat is of. Jesus is the center of our family. The 2 hearts are Kenneth and I joined as one. The colored jewles on the tips of the cross are the birthstones for each of our daughters. Our firstborn, Rya, is green (peridot). Next is Avery in October. Then Emery and last Adrian, both in March. Joshua 24:15 As for me and my family, we will serve the Lord! That's what I'm talkin bout BABY!

Twitter

2008-05-17T08:18:00.000-07:00

I found this new site that I thought was cool. Well, I did until I started using it. The site has issues. I like the concept still. And I guess I should say maybe it is not the site but the user but whatever. Be not afraid of greatness/she's the man quote.

Speaking of She's The Man, I have to say, it is one of my favorite movies. Granted, it is not of the same caliber as Man on Fire but really, who can compair to Danzel? Let's be fair, now. I have few words to use up today that are not She's The Man quotes so until I can get someone to take a picture of what my next entry will be about, I am going watch the rest of She's The Man. Thats what Im talkin bout.

Bon Qui Qui and Offence

2008-05-14T12:57:00.000-07:00

I love to tell my friends 'you get what you get, and don't throw a fit'. I am who I am and I do not like walking around egg shells with people who are supposed to accept me. It just gets old when I feel like it is best to not be myself all the time. If you want to see something funny, click the title of this post and feel free to laugh. It is ok! I will not be offended; Bon Qui Qui will not be offended; my black husband will not be offended. It is what it is. My husband and I often say 'it's funny cuz it's true'. Bon Qui Qui is funny cuz it's true.

I had a Bon Qui Qui email incident with my friends and I think maybe God allowed that to happen to allow me to see that I am not The Norm. I do not want to 'fit the mold' and I do not. I want to rock the boat and I do. I TOTALLY understand that what I find funny and entertaining is NOT what others enjoy and I accept that. That is not my problem. I do not get offended easily. I was offended to have my friends think I would be offended. Ha! No, actually I was just surprized that as transparent as I am, some of my friends do not get me at all. I will be ok with that though because I have to think Jesus must be able to relate. He did not go with the flow; He offended others all the time, He was transparent but misunderstood and He came to give me fullness of joy (Ps 16:11). Now, that's what I'm talkin bout baby.

Pirates & Ponies

2008-05-10T20:09:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. It will probably be nice but today kinda rocked. I mean, it had it's rocky parts but all in all, in included a lot of my favorite things. Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens does not make my list on most days. Today (and tomorrow) I did not talk to my mother. I was with my husband and kids AND my sister and her husband. I got to go for a boat ride. My horse loving daughter got to pet AND ride bareback on a beautiful creature named Playgirl. She was petting the horse while in her Uncle's arms and said to him, "I can not just pet it, I have to ride it. I just have to!" How can you say no to that?

After visiting horses (and rabbits-not exactly on my list but whatever), we went to Lake Charles Contraband Days pirate festivle. I still have eyeliner caked on my face. It was a cool event but the best part was dressing up in our pirate tee shirts, hats, eye patches and putting pirate tattoos all over us and branding plastic swords and a sleeping beauty doll going out in public as a family. Speaking of family, my sister and I have noticed an abundance of interracial couples in the Lake Charles area. That is on my list. Interracial couples with biracial kids, even better! I did see a pregnant girl smoking today and had to leave because I was afraid I would ruin my Christian witness by saying something nasty to her. You would be surprized how difficult it is to not ruin your Christian witness while trying to be a pirate, savvy.

At the pirate festivle I tried some carnival food that may just make my favorite thing list. We had deep fried oreos and chocolate covered cheesecake on a stick. The oreos tasted like a donut with an oreo in the middle and the cheesecake was covered in chocolate and on a stick!

I got to watch SNL and actually laugh. I got some great email affirmation from my friends. They think I am funny. Especially when I make fun of Catholics and have content warnings on my blog. That's what I'm talkin bout baby.

Christians may like me

2008-05-08T06:05:00.000-07:00

This title links to a disturbing blog I recently found. Sidenote, I am learning to use some of the options on my blog!! This other blog is called Stuff Christians Like. I SO fit the flippin mold!! Man, that pisses me off! Here I am, stumbling through my life feeling like I do not fit anywhere, not in the world, not in church, not in my life and come to find out, IT"S ALL A LIE!!!!

I am being dramaticly scartastic. If you did not realize. I actually enjoyed this other blog very much and Todd Bentley is actually mentioned on this other blog (mentioned in my last post). And how funny is this? I have an appointment to get a tattoo and planned to get a scripture inked on my back, but after reading this blog, I am thinking I may not just so I will not be liked as much. Ref. # 23.

I have read or at least skimmed almost every post this dude made and I must say one I totally plan to use to the fullest advantage is post # 37 which is on Abstinence. Here is what it says:

I'm a huge fan of abstinence, especially now that I'm married and don't have to follow it. But I almost left it off this list because I think despite how much we like the idea of abstinence, we've done a really poor job explaining the benefits.

Here's what usually happens for 13-year old Christian boys. Their parents or their youth leader says, "Look, you should stay pure and not have sex so that you keep your marriage holy." That's their first option. Then the world says to them, "Look at me! Sex is wild and fun and neon and loud and whoa Spring Break!" And as a 13-year old that was an easy decision for me to make. (And if you believe that the pursuit of holiness alone will inspire your 13-year old son first let me say that's adorable, and second I honestly hope he does not come in contact with one of the 25% of teenage girls in this country that has an STD.)

Here's what we should be saying about abstinence. The best reason not to have sex until you're married is that it makes your sex life so much better after you're married. When you don't bring baggage into a sexual marriage relationship things get wild a lot faster. You get to have crazy, awesome, Prince type sex. There's no memories of other people, no hang ups to work through. It's just you and your wife getting ridiculous and enjoying the hot sexy good time that holiness makes possible. This is what it sounds like, when doves cry.

Abstinence. That's what I'm talkin bout BABY!

Not another Prophet in an Armoni Suit

2008-05-08T05:06:00.000-07:00

I have been hungry for God. It has been easier to choose Him over the world. I have been reading Rick Joyner's Final Quest series. I am on book 2, The Call and while still in the 1st chapter I have like 3 pages of notes. I have also been watching Todd Bentley as often as I can but not often enough. I mean to get stuff done but I just want to sit and watch or pray or worship. Title of this blog will link you to Todd's site.

I feel spread as thin as always and I am getting frustrated I can not give more time to God. I need more time with Him. Reading about visions and prophecy and watching revival and healings I need to know the Holy Spirit better so I can know what to do. I have always been one of those people that believes things are not going to get better, but worse. Maybe begining my bible studies with Revelation or maybe just my realistic, cynical outlook will not let me 'hope for a better future'/hearts and squiggles. I believe things will continue to get worse until Jesus comes back. I want that to be soon but seeing all these signs of the times that show the end is near has me nervous.

I am back to loving my new breast and I would love a tummy tuck and a little lipo and I want to be in shape and lose weight but FOR WHAT?!? To either die or be raptured?!? Something I got from reading the Call was looking at myself and all my faults is PRIDE and will keep me from God. I have been asking for more judgement and conviction *yikes* and I found that looking at myself will bring confussion and make it harder to hear the Holy Spirit. I can not abide in His presence and be self-conscious or self-absorbed. It makes sense, how can we hear from God when looking at our own inadequacies and unworthiness? We will never be worthy or adequate. That is why we need Him! We can never make ourselves into what we should be and it is Pride to try and focus there. ALl I can do is trust God to use me despite myself. The Call puts it quite simpily. Our call is to abide in the Holy Spirit and let God use us. In His Presence is where we will see Glory.

I can see in my limited understanding why Romans 8:1 is in the bible. When we are in condemnation for our sins and focus our our unworthiness, we are not looking to Jesus. I tend to struggle with not being repentant enough for my sins and chalk it up to being human then go into condemnation for NOT being in condemnation and just a bunch of stupid crap that is not SEEKING HIS FACE. Eph. 4:3 NLT says Always keep yourselves united in the Holy Spirit and bind yourselves together with peace. That's what Im talkin bout Jesus!

Growing Up

2008-05-03T10:48:00.000-07:00

I recently found myself in an emotional situation where I initially responded in my usual way of anger, violence, and agression. I scared the crap outta my girls but I pulled myself together right quick and in no time I actually began handeling the situation like a Christian, an adult Christian no less! You do not hear pride in my words but shock and awe!

I have been in the Word more this year than ever in my Christian walk and it has made such a difference. I really believe in the POWER of the Word; help my unbelief! I actually acted on Eph. 6:12 and realized my battle was not against flesh and blood but against the evil powers that rule the world I live in. I not only feel I may be moving up a level in my relationship with God but I feel as a family we are moving.

Speaking of Joshua 24:15 As for me and my family, we will serve the Lord, I have an apt. to get a tattoo that has that meaning and possibly the scripture ref. too.

I have felt some fear lately, serious fear and while I know I have not been given a spirit of fear, but one of power and love and a sound mind, I was surprized how much fear I felt. What does it mean? Being in God's will = stronger attacks? Feeling fear = need to cover areas in prayer and the blood? Fear = NOT being in God's will? I dunno. I do know that no matter what I face, I have not turned away from my God, but to Him. See? I am growing up finally! That's what I'm talkin bout, savvy?

Ladies and Gentlemen, CASTING CROWNS

2008-04-21T18:45:00.000-07:00

Once again, a song by my boys Casting Crowns ministered God's love to me. I never really got this song until I just lived it out.

"East To West"
Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me
Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other

Attack of the Killer Breast

2008-04-21T17:40:00.000-07:00

I have been wanting to write about the emotional turmoil I have been experiencing but honestly, I could not put into words what was wrong with me. Basicly I faced some situations that resurfaced my past and kinda freaked and thought I wanted my implants out.

First, a few set ups. Recently I came face to face with a guy I 'dated' for lack of a better term. I have been raped twice and as weird as this sounds, neither time was that tramatic. Well, the one in Korea was violent but kinda anti-climactic, no pun intended. This guy would threated to kill himself if I broke up with him and his mom would call me from the hospital and beg me to be his girlfriend. I was 13 and did not know how to get out. After the date rape, he found out, told me he was supposed to be my first and insisted I give it up to him too. Like that. We now attend the same church service every week.

Then I shared my testimony with the bible study group so my past was just brought up again and I was forced to revisit places I do not often go. That was not so tough but I think maybe using so much ugliness for God's glory may have needled the devil some, savvy? Then, my trip to Chicago.

Hmm. Ok, let's see. To sum up that trip I would say lesbians and liquor. My cousin lost her lover of 34 years and her best friends are in her wine club. So, yeah, I got drunk and talked about ex-girlfriends. Faced a little condemnation from that.

So in light of that, I realized, well, not at the time, I could not put it into words until now and at this point I am over it but I digress. I realized my new breast size was causing me some uncomfortableness. First of all, padded bras conceal nipples. Now, in regular bras they just scream at everybody all the time. Plus, being a D they are just out there. I like the way they look but feel like that is wrong. I am not wearing anything revealing but unless I am in something very baggy I just feel I am doing something wrong. I realized I was confusing how I used to be with who I am now. Maybe I used to use my body in a perverted way but my heart is pure now. It is harder to not be sexy but just because I have larger breast does not mean I am going to use them for evil. That souns funny. Like ATTACK OF THE KILLER BREAST!!! Run for your lives! Do not look directly at them or the nipples will poke your eyes out!! ; )

Ok, so how did I get over all the lies? With the Truth. Psalm 33:15 was part of my daily reading and it says He made my heart so He understands everything I do. I felt like a huge weight was lifted off me when I read that. It should not be such a struggle to not look like the world, especially when I do not look like the church either. So I will just believe the Word of God for what it is; TRUTH. I am going get a tattoo. That's what IM talkin bout baby.

He will never leave me

2008-03-29T19:21:00.000-07:00

Hebrews 14:5 reminds me that God will never leave me or forsake. Recently in a bible study lesson, I prayed for God to show me how to practice His Presence with me and to just be aware of Him more. With that in mind the girls and I decided very last minute to head on over to Lake Charles for a short visit with my sister. The drive was not bad and I had just called my sister to tell her we were almost to LC and confirm the exit I was to take. There was a bit of construstion and the 2 little girls had just woken up and I was just being silly with them and suddenly traffic went down to one narrow lane and came down to a slow crawl. I slammed on my breaks but not soon enough to avoid hitting the car in front of me. I was forced to pull off onto the exit ramp. I stopped the van and collected myself and reconized I had just avoided an accident and God was there. I was even able to back up a little and get back onto the interstate.

Honestly I did not think I was following too close or speeding but I was thankful to have avoided an accident for sure. I got back on I10 and got right into Lake Charles when the road seemed to get really rough. The girls were all hollering about how bumpy things were when my stomach got all knotted up and someone pulled up on side of me and yelled 'you have a flat tire'. I was on an over pass and had to drive a little further to have somewhere to pull over but I was still kinda in the road. I called my sister who was checking out at Wal Mart and she said she was going to find her husband-who had just gotten off work-and head my way. I called Kenneth to see if I could call AAA but he said I had Kia roadside assistance. I called them but my phone was in the red and I had been on it talking with the woman for 20 minutes about vin numbers and milage and policy and it was getting very hard to not get agravated with her. She wanted to update my info and kept asking me the color of the vehicle and FINALLY we got to my location. Well, I was not sure of my location. Not only was I out of town in an area I was unfamiliar with, I just happen to be no where NEAR any readable sign at. all.

So, Rachel beeps in and I answer hoping she can tell me where I am. She needs to know herself so they can find me. She and Josh are on their way and I am thinking it is going to be impossible for Josh to change my tire with the van half in traffic at the top of an overpass in high traffic considering I know the tire in NOT easy to change. As Rachel is figuring out where I am, a roadside assistance vehicle pulls up behind me. YAY! I am very certain it has nothing to do with the Kia conversation but my vehicle information is updated at least. They are now aware that my van is RED! The guy tells me to pull over as far as I can and gets set up. Josh and Rachel call and they can see me (they were close-even with traffic) and the guy helping me.

The guy has all his fancy stuff perfect for changing any tire and Josh and Rachel pull up and we get the girls into the truck and the tire changing commences. Now with Josh there to help. The guy jacks the van and Josh unblots the spare ANNNND it is flat. No worries (God is with us)! The fancy truck has an air pump so they pump up my flat spare, get it back on the van and in not a lot of time really, we are all on our way! The tire holds the air so well we pass the first exit we come to and opt for the next one which happens to be the one to go to their home AND what do you know but right off the exit (well, not RIGHT off but for a difficult situation things are going extreemly well!) is a Tire Shop! They are closing up and washing their hands but we pull in, plead our case and since God is with us, we get a tire to replace the blow out and the flat fixed. And Josh had enough cash in his pocket to cover it all.

A blow out alone could have caused an accident. We had God so all over us that it was almost comical. Favor. Mercy. Grace. Love. THAT is what I'm talkin about, baby.

The Fog Finally Lifts

2008-03-20T17:09:00.000-07:00

I went into the plastic surgon's office today and the nurse asked me how I was feeling. I told her I was way out of it and very confused and mentally this recovery was much harder than the last one. I could not walk in a stright line and Kenneth had to help me do everything including go to the bathroom. Melissa (the nurse) looks at me and asks if that is my nausea patch behind my ear. I told her yes and she said that was why and I should take it off right away.

Tonight I can read and write (type) and have a conversation and my depth perception is back to normal and I am not sleeping all day and I just feel normal again. And how about these apples; Kenneth actually took good care of me! He was nice to me almost the whole time. ; )

Now, about my breast. Despite the blood and stitches, I think I can see a difference already. Now the paranoid part of me feels the bottom of the breast that still feels empty and deflated and I am horrified to think this 2nd surgery is not going to work. I guess it is the old part of me that believes God will punish me for doing something others may judge un-Christlike. Today is Thursday and the surgery was Tuesday so it is pretty un-realistic to expect final results right now. Maybe it is because I have final results on the right already. I mean really, is life not about more than food and clothes? (Mat 6:25 & Lu12:23)

I will continue to seek God and fear the Lord so I may have health and vitality. A healthy boob. That's what Im talkin bout baby.

Surgery

2008-03-17T12:34:00.001-07:00

My surgery is tomorrow. I would like to be too busy to think about it until it is time to go. Grr. I just want to be a two year old about this and stomp my feet and scream IT'S NOT FAIR! I prayed before the first surgery that this exact thing would not happen and that I would not need a second surgery and here I am going into my second surgery and not sure how to pray before this one. I would LOVE to come away from this with another easy recovery and results on the left like on the right. I would love for 6 weeks from now to be saying it was all worth it in the end. At least I am not one of those people scared of surgery and being put under. The only thing I am concerned about is going through all this again, putting out all the money for this surgery and wind up having to have the implants removed all together. I love the one! More than I thought I would. I just want to learn what I am supposed to learn (rest????) and have beautiful breast. It is funny how that was never on my wish list before.

I did not trust Kenneth very good last time. I will try to be a better paitent and allow him to care for me and the girls without micromanaging him. Really. I will. I will try harder than last time.

I would like to book a bunch of TS parties too. I want to make more money. I think. Maybe. I did back out of the New York trip. Kenneth asked me once if I really thought that would ever actually go through and I have to admit, I really had hopes for it too. Then again, Rachel and I did not respond the way we did when we were told about it if we actually thought our mother would pay for us to fly to New York and see a Broadway show. It never made sense on any level and I must say I feel a lot better not being under that 'gift' anymore. It is so much more familiar for us to not go. No one offers a gift like that to someone then asks for money to buy food because they have not had food in the house for 3 days. The latter is familiar. I do not want to go off on that topic. I need to clear my mind and focus of perfect lovely breast. Now, thats what Im talkin bout BABY!

Reading List and a Random thought or two

2008-03-11T09:27:00.000-07:00

As is the norm for me, I am reading many things at once. Some more than others. Here is my current list:

The Bible. More specificly Numbers and Mark.
The Beloved Disciple by Beth Moore. As great as I find this one, I am not giving it much priority. Maybe during my 2nd recovery from surgery it will get more play.
Loved by God by Liz Curtis Higgs. This is actually a bible study the Moms group at my church is working on. I enjoy it a lot and waiver from giving it full attention and rushing through the lessons to get to something else I am working on.
Prayer Portions by Sylvia Gunter accompanied by the daily study guide written for Prayer Portions by Amy Bills. One or the other is deeper than I take the time for but I love it. One days lesson in the study guide could easily take me a week and I would not have done much more than waded into the waters.
The Final Quest by Rick Joyner. This one I begrudgingly started at the pressing of a good and respected friend and now I do not want to put it down. Also it is one of those books that jump starts me into wanting to give myself more fully to Christ and here come the random thoughts.

I want to be more fully committed but I feel my life and circumstances does not allow that. For example; I will not watch a movie my husband downloads that is not released yet where as he has no problem doing so. On the other hand I will watch just about any movie out no matter how vile or perverted it is. I justify this by saying I gotta have something in common with my husband besides our children. Am I holding back me or him?

I do not want to be so desensitized to evil and I know some areas I dabble I should not but other areas I am not sure about. The Final Quest talks about the good vs. evil thing and Christians are on both sides. The ones on the evil side are decived and believe they are on God's side and are fighting for Him when in reality Satan is just using the crap outta them to defeat their own. Part of me wants to know where I stand. I am not a seer and find myself so oblivious sometimes to what is going on around me. Part of me wants to have a glimps of which side I am fighting for but the other part of me is so content to have no idea and just continue blindly on. Man, I sound so LAZY and lukewarm. Bleck!

I know I want to fight for Jesus not against Him. I just gotta decide how much I am willing to pay. How much of a sacrifice am I willing to give. How much am I willing to die so He can reign? Stupid flesh! I hate the influence it has over me.

One more random thought. Kenneth is upset and got on me about not doing enough laundry and house work. He says he has to work and does as much as he can on his days off. I am doing quite a bit more than I should and am facing even more limitations with this next surgery and I am not sure where to go with this. He pointed out I should be fine now because it has been almost 6 weeks and I pointed out he stopped helping after less than one week and he spends lots of his off days with his computers and scratching his balls. He said touche' but now what.

It is too easy to think I am a good Christian while judging him. I do not want to be used by Satan to bring both he and I down. Can someone help me get this plank out of my eye? It is going to scratch my monitor. Jesus is my banner of victory (1 Cor 15:57). That's what Im talkin bout baby!

Up and Down

2008-03-09T19:07:00.000-07:00

I suppose it is normal. I cried all morning. One minute I feel strong and like I can handle everything and the next I seem to have lost all faith. One minute I have the right perspective, the next it is so very lost and I just want to have the biggest pity party. I understand the lack of truth, but I actually compaired this to losing Rya. Let me elaborate. I am the only one of my group of friends (which is large) that has lost a baby to stillbirth. Now, of allll the people we know who have implants, I am the one who winds up needing a re-do.

Then there is the issue of Kenneth and his inability to be healthy when I need care. As soon as I could hold my own, he stepped back with what little he managed. Again, easy to slip into the whole pity party. Poor me, not enough help, too much work, blah, blah, blah.

I know it will all be fine. I just gotta get through it. And this is a little funny but I kinda have to tell lots of people I have to have another surgery and I am so mad it is the aug! I do NOT want to tell just anybody about that part of it. It was easy to leave that part out with alll the other stuff I had done now the only thing that is being spotlighted is my breast. I hated wearing the medical bra because it seemed so obvious and I felt it drew attention to my breast. Now I will have drains and have more to wear than before (medical bra plus an additional band). I will not be able to do as much physically and I fear my lack of mobility will be a tale tell sign.

I must still have more guilt issues otherwise I would not worry as much about secrecy. Then again, I believe it is normal to not want to discuss a boob job with my Paw Paw who is in his late 80's. I dunno. I know in the back of my mind I still question whether I deserve to spend this kind of money on myself and it is a sort of taboo topic, especially in a Christian world. I mean it is kinda crazy how the times can complicate biblical standards. Today a breast augmentation is compaired to make up or hair high lights or even home improvements. Then again, there is the whole 'why change what God made' side. I have to be sure of myself and the choices I make. I do not want to be up and down. I need a steady foundation. I have One. I just need more time with Him. That's what I'm talkin about.

Capsulation

2008-03-07T13:33:00.000-08:00

I finally got in to see the doctor. The nurse lead me to the exam room and asked how I was doing. I told her I was nervous and she told me not to worry and asked what side I was concerned about. Then she turned around and looked at me. I had slipped my jacket off and she said, 'Oh, I see. It looks like it is in capulation.' The doctor walked in took one look and told me surgery was my only option. So I scheduled my surgery for March 18th which is only a few days after I should be pronounced 'fully recovered' from my January 30th surgeries.

I have to admit I was very upset at first and of course second guessed the decission to even have such an unneccessary surgery and wondered if I heard God wrong and thought about the extented recovery and how a $4100 surgery is turning into a $4750 surgery with higher risks the 2nd time around. I had quite the pity party. Kenneth was great though and spoke with wisdom and compassion and support. He really loves his boobs! Bless his heart!

Funny side note!! I often say 'Bless his/her heart!' and recently at church that was the title of the message. The Pastor informed us 'bless your heart' translates to 'You are an idiot". So TRUE!!

So, the doctor is not charging me but I do have to pay for supplies, etc which is $650 and I just so happen to have gotten a refund that is more than that and normally I would have had to book the surgery 6 months out but they had a cancellation on March 18th that I was able to take. I kept getting little reminders that some people are struggling with their health and I am struggling for the perfect breasts so I got a little better perspective. I also took a few minutes, climbed into my Father's Lap and let Him love on me and accepted that even if I did hear Him wrong and did not have His blessing for a boob job, He was still with me and loves me and has had His Hand on all that has come my way. I listened to Nicole C. Mullen sing Convinced and felt my God's Presence so it's all good.

Then of course, I wound up getting personal with the nurse and she told me about the baby she lost 12 years ago and I was able to share some of my story with her and validate her feelings for her baby when she did not think she had that right. How sweet of God to use me because of a broken boob. That's what I'm talkin bout BABY!

Lyrics to Convienced:
I don’t know if light is brighter
In the earth or the soul
I don’t know which night is darker
The one I do or don’t know
Chorus: But I’m convinced
I’m persuaded
I will not be separated
From the love
I have in You
‘Cause neither death or life can severe
Neither height or depth could measure the love You have
And my love for You

The wind will blow on everybody
And rain will fall on us all
And if the, weather of my lifeIs not like I want it, still
I’ll survive thru the storm

I‘ll give it all

I made the call

2008-02-26T09:45:00.000-08:00

One of my breast is so very beautiful. The other is not. I have been trying to wait it out and only have one person I know that has implants to run things by. But it has been 6 or 7 years since hers and she has different kinds and blah blah blah and even though she has been telling me it took her a lot longer than where I am at to settle into her final result, it has really been a worry on my mind to have the issues I am having.

So I kept trying to talk myself out of calling but today I just decided, let me just call them, get it over with, and have them tell me I am being parinoid and to get over myself and be paitent. That is NOT what they told me. Apparently it is not as normal as I hoped to have the issues I do so they want me to come in. She even mentioned a possible 2nd surgery. *insert big fat sad face*. What a bummer. I will try to stay positive till the doctor sees me and I know for sure what I am up against but man. Man.

I am so very glad I called and almost wish I had sooner (although the doctor is not in at all this week so I would still be waiting till next week to see him). It may not even big that big of a deal even at the worst case senerio but who wants to pay that much and go through recovery to wind up needing additional treatment. I am glad I decided to do the photo journal too because it also shows the problem but all it takes is a look at my breast to see the issues. Even in clothes it is obvious one implant is much higher than the other. I often put a shirt on and it is too obvious so I need to change.

It could be worse and I still get tons of compliments and not only do other people think I look slimmer but I do too. Who knew the results could be this good. One the one side anyway. Both sides will eventually be lovely, I am sure. In Jesus' name, right? That's what I'm talkin bout.

My New Secret!

2008-02-23T18:45:00.000-08:00

I have been keeping a photo journal of my breast augmentation recovery and while my recovery has been incredible, I was quite upset with my 3 week pics. First I could not find a bra that worked and had the crazy notion I would be in a sports bra forever. Then, even though I read that a normal recovery is much more tramatic than mine, I keep fighting panic that the left side will never drop like the right has. I keep thinking I will need a second surgery or live with a deformity and just basicly being silly.

So kinda spur of the moment, I went bra shopping. I looked and looked and could not find exactly what I wanted then finally tried on a few with devestating results. I thought to myself, these C cups are just not big enough! Then I realized no one ever told me I was a C. As far as facts go, I have implants that are 400cc's. People ask me my new size and I always say 36C. No idea why if I think about it.

So I went got the bras I thought woud work in D cups and what do you know? They fit wonderfully! I am a D. A 36D! OK, so. Here is where I am on that note:

First of all, a certain part of me wanted to say 'if I am gonna do this, then let's do this! Let's go Jessica Rabbit!' But it is like I told Kenneth, it is one thing to say I wanted to repair pregnancy and breast feeding damage by going from an almost B to a full C and quite another to say, yeah, I went from an A to a D. That is not repair work, that is 'I want bigger tits' work. But I LOVE them! And Kenneth loves them! I just feel like I need to keep it a secret. I am not one to lie really so if people ask I may go ahead and tell them, but so many people asked already and think C so I think I should keep that a secret and it makes me feel a little naughty and giddy.

Too bad I bought some C bras and even had a friend give me one as a gift in a size that apparently is not my actual size. So I am a size I kinda wanted to be but I do not want people to know that I am but it is kinda cool so That's what Im talkin bout BABY!

33

2008-02-21T06:56:00.000-08:00

My birthday was lovely. It really was. I got some yummy doghnuts with candles in them and Kenneth and the girls sang. I really like the card Kenneth got me and he also bought me a Valentine coffee mug that is really cute AND it was 1/2 price! I like that. I also got some super cool surprizes. My cousin works for Woman's Hospital where I had my surgery in accounting and emailed me to say I had been over-charged for my surgery and she would bring me a check on my birthday for $850! That is a BIG refund! WOO HOO!

Then, and this may be my favorite, I got a get well card from my friend Debbie who is a nurse at Woman's and she got some nurses she works with to all sign the card and each one wrote a personal message about how much my bears mean and they collected $50 for Angel Among Us bears. Knowing what I do is making a difference is what means the most to me. Those women did not even know me but they not only collected money but wrote me a personal message. It was so sweet. So encouraging.

I also was taken to lunch by a friend who gave me a gift as well. A sexy red lacy bra in my new size. I can not wear it yet but the intentions were sweet. I can not wear it because the left side is still very high and they are just not exactly fitting into any cups yet. not sure what that is about. I am keeping a photo journal and while they look better, they are just very lopsided right now.

I got a small cookie bouquet and a way cool journal from Erin and my father and mother in law brought supper and cake and ice cream (plus they give me a check-usually $50). My dad came by this weekend and weirdly gave me soap, lotion, a candel and a card with $100. After the New York plane and show ticket from my mom, I feel my cup is overflowing.

The last thing I felt was a huge gift, this one from my Heavenly Father, my tree bloomed this year! Full up and on time! For the first time in 8 or 9 years! My sister bought it for me when I was pregnant for Avery but I did not know I was pregnant yet. I took the test on March 4th, Em's future birthday. Back to the tree; she gave it to me my birthday February 1999. I guess that was 9 years ago then. There was also a lunar eclipse but it was too cloudly and too late to see anything.

All in all, it was a super great birthday. I loved it. That's what I'm talkin' bout BABY!

His Words

2008-02-12T12:52:00.000-08:00

This is a vent. Nothing more. It has not even been 2 weeks since all my surgeries. My floor has never been mopped and things are getting gross. I have found Avery's uniforms in Emery's closet and my socks in Em's sock drawer. Kenneth stayed in bed till after 10am and once he got out, he slept on the couch. He also does not feel good. His ear hurts. This is what he said;
"It is like my body responds to you having a need. When you need me, it is like my body reacts by getting sick or something."

I know what I should be doing and what I should not be doing but then there is what needs to be done and what is important to me. I understand that what is important to me may not be best for me physically but what about my mental needs? My emotional wellbeing should be considered too, right?

I know he did not get sick on purpose. He said he did not mean to get sick on me. And really, if you think about it, at least he has a reason to not help and be there for me. It really is worse when he is fine and still does not step up. Now this is funny considering what God told me about needing and trusting him and all. I am just unsure how to proceed when I have needs, the girls have needs, the house has needs. I believe God meets all my needs. I guess He will find a way to get my floor mopped if I just trust Him. Help my unbelief!! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout.

Unusual Recovery

2008-02-11T09:15:00.000-08:00

I understand my surgery situation is not the norm. For so many reasons. First of all, I feel God's favor and mercy all over my situation. I have not found anyone who has heard of someone who has had as much surgery as me recover so fast. I have been reading a lot of breast augmentation sites on line and I can not believe how easy my recovery has been compaired to what I read. I understand I slept through the worst of the breast aug. recovery. I told my mom I really do not remember a lot of the first few days Post Op.

The sites I read had the first few days of recovery as very difficult. I remember a lot of pressure on my chest. I remember feeling like I worked out my chest too hard. I know I vomited a lot from my pain pump but I also remember thinking it was not that bad considering all my surgeries.

I told 2 friends considering a breast aug. it was easy peesy lemon squeezy. I wonder if I lead them astray. I went to church 11 days after 3 doctors did surgeries on me. Now as far as the breast aug., I did talk to other women who had an easy go themselves. And I was very stretched out already, I have been bigger than I am while nursing. I dunno. Maybe it is just a huge blessing from God. Maybe I am just God's favorite. That's what I'm talkin bout, BABY!